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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not play happy families because stepson is here?

217 replies

karmathreefold · 14/10/2011 11:59

DSS (21) is coming this weekend. We haven't seen him for a while, so it'll be nice for him & DD (16 months) to see each other.

I'm not particularly keen on 'playing' happy families though. I'll be prefectly pleasant & polite to DSS, and try my hardest to not let him feel uncomfortable, but I really don't want to put on an act for (D)H's sake.

I'm heavily pregnant (imminent within weeks), and suffer from very bad SPD at the moment, incredibly painful, but as the primary carer of DD I have to keep going, when all I want is to lie down (which in fact makes the SPD worse)!

I've been feeling inceasingly unwell, and have been having migraines. My midwife has told me to rest (i.e. sleep), during the day, but it is impossible to do so (though she told me to find someone to mind DD, which just isn't possible right now). When I told DH this, he retorted that I spend a lot of time sitting down, so I am resting, and that the midwife must think I'm walking into town???

DD periodically has sleeping issues. Usually she is as good as gold, put her down awake, and she sleeps from 8pm - 7.30am (after having to use controlled crying).

For the last three nights however, she has been a bloody monkey! She's been waking about 4am (last night she woke at 3am) and has refused to go back down into her cot.

I've tried everything - she is teething so I gave her Calprofen before bed, and when she woke gave her a dose of Calpol. Still she refused to sleep, except in my arms.

Thing is I'm not getting sleep. I'm not happy to sit in a chair, letting DD sleep on me, whilst missing out myself. Besides, she is leaning against the bump - which hurts, is hardly on my lap (due to bump) and is giving me dead arms.

I tried to take her into our bed, but she still won't even lie down she climbs on top of me, and puts my arms around her.

She eventually went to sleep at 7am this morning, but was awake at 8.30, I begged DH to get her up, to feed her etc, and let me sleep - his reaction was to shout, pull the duvet over my head, and tell me that he's going to start going to pubs & parties, as this isn't the life he wants.

I'm at my wit's end. This can't go on - I will not be able to hold DD for hours at a time, with a newborn, and I'm worried about how anyone looking after her will manage overnight. I guess controlled crying is the only answer - but next door get very upset, so I have to keep her quiet.

I'm especially annoyed at DH, who takes sleeping pills, has a good nights sleep, and still expects me to go without sleep, and moans about the mess of the house.

His son is coming today, and he's going to be nice to me, and has suggested we all go out for a meal, but he's so detached from my agony that I can't pretend things are fine

OP posts:
SmethWitchBelle · 15/10/2011 15:49

YANB remotely U. What you can do about it I don't know but once the baby is here it isn't going to change things so if there is a big conversation brewing it is probably better to have it sooner rather than later.

His comment that this isn't the life he wanted needs examining because it doesn't sound like it is the life you were after either! Hope you can work it out - but you really don't sound unreasonable.

buzzskeleton · 15/10/2011 15:51

You certainly can complain. How can he expect you to manage your dd alone when you're not supposed to lift her?

SheCutOffTheirTails · 15/10/2011 16:02

Please get away from this man who treats you like shit.

That you think it would be "unfair" for your DH to change his plans so that you can follow medical advice is chilling.

No! It would not be unfair. That is what would happen in a normal loving family.

You shouldn't be left alone with a toddler you can't lift. It isn't safe.

It is your husband's responsibility to look after her today.

Where did you get the idea that you fell down the stairs because you were "stupid"?

Who else knows about how he treats you? Is there anywhere you could go to get away from him temporarily? Anyone who will cosset and care for you?

amIbeingdaft · 15/10/2011 16:05

Wow...where are they going that's so important you're risking your baby's life? Because that's what it is. You have been told that lifting could bring on preterm labour, but you are planning on looking after a toddler all day. And you had to go to the hospital on Your own after falling down the stairs?

What are you planning to do about this fuckwit? Will you leave if he punches you in the face? Cos that'd be less damaging than what he's doing now.

TadlowDogIncident · 15/10/2011 16:06

Hear hear to SheCutOffTheirTails.

Definitely say that either he can't go or they have to go somewhere where they can take DD with them: you've had clear medical advice which he should be supporting you in following.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 15/10/2011 16:09

Well said amI

lesley33 · 15/10/2011 16:11

Although i agree with other posters, from the stress you are under I'm not sure you will have the stregth to change how your DH is going to9 be tomorrow. So could your mum take your DD tomorrow to looka fter or a close friend?

WelshMoth · 15/10/2011 16:13

God almighty OP, does your H acutally know what SPD is?
Major wanker, sorry. Your DSS isn't the issue here at all - it's the tit of a Father that's the issue.
He needs to educate himself, because at the moment, ignorance would be the only thing saving his backside from a mighty kick. Show him this thread.

Google Symphysis Pubis Disorder, you cruel dickhead. That's to your H.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 15/10/2011 16:20

Well he doesn't appear to know that his wife is a human person deserving of respect and support, so I doubt he gives a fuck what SPD is.

He's not likely to get it, so why should he care?

WelshMoth · 15/10/2011 16:21

So Sorry OP. Are your parents around to take the strain?

IdjustassoonkissaZombie · 15/10/2011 16:22

My children are 17 months apart and I found it exhausting at this stage and I didn't have SPD although my H was a bastard and behaved much like yours Angry We're now divorced.

SheCutOffTheirTails is spot on.

amIbeingdaft · 15/10/2011 16:24

Lesley has a point. What help is available to you tomorrow OP? Can you and DD camp out at your mum's for the day so you can have a bit of a rest?

TadlowDogIncident · 15/10/2011 16:25

Or if your mum isn't anywhere near or able to help, do you have a close friend you could ask to come and be with you and entertain DD? It really doesn't sound as though you should be on your own with her.

So sorry that you're having such a horrible time.

Thzumbazombiewitch · 15/10/2011 16:31

Gosh.
Your DH is a knob.
You need to get some help so you can sleep and someone else can take your DD for a bit. Have you no family who can come and stay/help out? Any friends nearby?
Your DH is also a knob if he doesn't allow you to have one-to-one time with your DS (presumably he lives with his father, does he?)
In fact your DH appears to be just a controlling knob all round and you are in a sorry position :( indeed.

Atwaroverscrabble · 15/10/2011 16:37

It sounds like you are having a really rough time with your dh and dss (i have read your thread re xmas on stepparents)... Could you go and stay at your mums for a few days to relax and be looked after?

StewieGriffinsMom · 15/10/2011 17:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FabbyChic · 15/10/2011 18:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

amIbeingdaft · 15/10/2011 18:39

Oh FFS Fabbychic, is that really necessary? This woman already has rock bottom self esteem due to her partner treating her like shit, and you come along and criticise her parenting methods? She's not abusing the child, just paarenting in a way you don't agree with.
Kicking someone while they're down is pathetic. Shame on you .

thefirstMrsDeVeerie · 15/10/2011 18:58

Fabby do you have anything constructive to add?

margerykemp · 15/10/2011 19:26

Omg, this situation sounds awful! Why on earth did you marry such a prize wanker?

Dd needs a parent tomorrow, as you are medically out of action tell him to step up or would he prefer you call ss to take her.

bottlebank · 15/10/2011 19:30

Fabby, are you drunk? Is something wrong? You've been especially horrible tonight.

Rollon2012 · 15/10/2011 20:30

You do know you probably fell down the stairs because your soooooooo tired , which isnt helped by your fucking evil husband who doesnt help.

Im sure im not the the only one thinking its basically his fault you fell down the stairs and everything else thats going on?

Do you have a realtive you can ring at short notice and stay with?

tbh I would pack some things and leave him I know its not easy but things cant go on like this.

madam52 · 15/10/2011 21:10

Anyone who anytime on the steparenting site will notice how common it is for men to be so bloody stubborn for some reason about anything to do with their adult son/s. As in they will not shift one iota from the 'norm' or arrangement. There have been so many threads on there about how absolutely everybodys needs and feelings in the home have to be apparently put to the bottom of the pile on the altar of 'the visit' . It has resulted in stepmums using terms such as 'messiah' or 'golden child' to describe their adult ss and 'lionness with cub' to describe their DH DPs behaviour during their visit. It is a strange phenomena and causes awful resentment in blended families. I have no answers - OPs DH seems simiiarly entrenched in this strange state of putting his adult offsprings visit before his relationship with his wife or any other children - unborn or otherwise it seems in this case.

madam52 · 15/10/2011 21:11

Anyone who spends any time..

Midori1999 · 15/10/2011 22:53

Christ Fabby, a heavily pregnant woman has fallen down the stairs and is bleeding, not to mention her very difficult family circumstances and that's all you can say? Utterly vile!

OP please ask your husband to change tomorrow's plans for the sake of your unborn baby, or at the very least get some help with your DD. I hope you are ok.

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