To not play happy families because stepson is here?

[karmathreefold]

DSS (21) is coming this weekend. We haven't seen him for a while, so it'll be nice for him & DD (16 months) to see each other.

I'm not particularly keen on 'playing' happy families though. I'll be prefectly pleasant & polite to DSS, and try my hardest to not let him feel uncomfortable, but I really don't want to put on an act for (D)H's sake.

I'm heavily pregnant (imminent within weeks), and suffer from very bad SPD at the moment, incredibly painful, but as the primary carer of DD I have to keep going, when all I want is to lie down (which in fact makes the SPD worse)!

I've been feeling inceasingly unwell, and have been having migraines. My midwife has told me to rest (i.e. sleep), during the day, but it is impossible to do so (though she told me to find someone to mind DD, which just isn't possible right now). When I told DH this, he retorted that I spend a lot of time sitting down, so I am resting, and that the midwife must think I'm walking into town???

DD periodically has sleeping issues. Usually she is as good as gold, put her down awake, and she sleeps from 8pm - 7.30am (after having to use controlled crying).

For the last three nights however, she has been a bloody monkey! She's been waking about 4am (last night she woke at 3am) and has refused to go back down into her cot.

I've tried everything - she is teething so I gave her Calprofen before bed, and when she woke gave her a dose of Calpol. Still she refused to sleep, except in my arms.

Thing is I'm not getting sleep. I'm not happy to sit in a chair, letting DD sleep on me, whilst missing out myself. Besides, she is leaning against the bump - which hurts, is hardly on my lap (due to bump) and is giving me dead arms.

I tried to take her into our bed, but she still won't even lie down she climbs on top of me, and puts my arms around her.

She eventually went to sleep at 7am this morning, but was awake at 8.30, I begged DH to get her up, to feed her etc, and let me sleep - his reaction was to shout, pull the duvet over my head, and tell me that he's going to start going to pubs & parties, as this isn't the life he wants.

I'm at my wit's end. This can't go on - I will not be able to hold DD for hours at a time, with a newborn, and I'm worried about how anyone looking after her will manage overnight. I guess controlled crying is the only answer - but next door get very upset, so I have to keep her quiet.

I'm especially annoyed at DH, who takes sleeping pills, has a good nights sleep, and still expects me to go without sleep, and moans about the mess of the house.

His son is coming today, and he's going to be nice to me, and has suggested we all go out for a meal, but he's so detached from my agony that I can't pretend things are fine

When he goes put tomorrow, call your Mum, ask her if you can stay with her, pack a bag and leave the bastard.

If not your Mum is there anyone else you can ask for help.

Your DH is a prick.

OP, you mentioned having a DS? Does he also live with you or is is an adult like your DSS? Is he old enough to help out with looking after your dd this weekend?

Having read your other thread, I'm failing to see what positives your DH brings to your life. Go and stay with your DS and DParents.

Your Dh is a git
You poor poor thing, do you have family nearby who could have dd overnight whilst you sleep?

What's you h going to be like when the baby arrives?

Give him permission to sod off and party and NOT come back

FFS fabby what's al this kick someone when they're down.

I agree with many of the others OP. Go and stay with someone so you can get rest and support. Your not so D H is behaving like a complete idiot.

Fabby is always a dick, OP, ignore it.

OP your DH is a dick too.

Your DH is vile, sorry. Please stop making excuses for his inexcusable behaviour.

What were the circumstances of his split with DSS's mother?

The OP wasn't at all what I expected from the title. Really DSS has nothing to do with it-the huge problem is DH who is abusive. Have you got anyone to give support?

OP, I've re-read your post again and again.

Your DD is anxious which explains the clinging to you. We're all especially vulnerable at night times which is why she's worse at these times. There could be other factors like teething etc but I'd bet my life that she's picking up on your high stress levels and your anxiety. Children are like radars - she's distressed because you are distressed.

You two deserve so much more. Please go and stay with your parents, or good friends. You need help and your prat of a H is letting you down.

I'm not for one moment defending OP's slob of a husband. But Madam52 - a woman who marries a man with adult children needs to be aware that she will be sharing him, and that there will be times when he has to be their father first; it comes with the territory.

But when DW2 is pregnant and having a bad time that is not one of those times. I wonder whether DSS is even aware of how badly his father is behaving and how he would react if he did?

Andrew, I've not read any other threads started by OP (but have the feeling that they won't be a happy one ), but this thread is overwhelmingly not about being a step Mum.

You are right though, marrying a Mum or a Dad is fraught with politics and these children always have to take first place (am speaking from experience). I think though, that this thread started as something about the DSS because the OP is so unhappy. Clearly, the DSS isn't the issue here at all.

I hope OP comes back

Poor you. Its not really to do with DSS, you are just very close to the end of your tether. Your DH needs to step up, this just isn't fair. Does DS have a sleep in the day at all?

Sorry DD

I agree with booking yourself into a cheap bb and b for the weekend. Let DH care for his child. Your DD might be waking at night because she senses all is not well with you, hopefully once baby is born you will feel loads better.

Fabby There is just no need. We are not debating CC here. OP needs support not judgement.

I am sorry you are having such a terrible time with your SPD and hope you are okay after your fall.
All that aside, I think it's terribly important your dh sees his son, grown up or other wise, and stick to arrangements.
Gosh don't people realise you can still feel unwanted or sidelined or pushed out or second best even over the age of 18.
I realise you need tons of support and help. So it is up to your rather unpleasant sounding dh to sort it out.

Thank you all for your support (and I don't mind what Fabby said, as unless you're actually going through a stage of a little one not sleeping, then you forget how torturous it is - I've sure forgotten from when DS was a baby).

I would love to go to my mums, but my parent's home is not the safest environment.

They have two dogs (one of whom my brother found. The latter is huge, resembles a pit bull, but the vet said it's impossbile to identify what breeds he has. He's a gentle beast by all accounts, but he's never been alone with kids, and we have no idea of his previous history (he was thrown out of a car). Whilst I would dearly love to trust him, his face is far larger than DD (he's bigger full-stop), and my mum is very forgetful, and when I've been in another room, has let the dog in, where DD was in her pushchair alone. My sister is also a dog-walker, and tried to encourage the dog to lick DD's face, whilst the dog was reluctant & DD was crying (it was best for DD apparently, and my parents accepted it as DS is very intimidating).

They also have buliders walking in and out, have guests just 'pop' in, all use the back doors, so none are locked - it's chaotic. Not too bad when I'm there, but I'd worry if DD was left there, and have been keen on DD to be looked after at my house, where she is safer.

Added to that, my sister has a menagerie of animals coming in and out, some of who wee on the floor, and it doesn't get cleaned immediately.

My DS is the same age. He has his own place, but it is not one where people can stay over (not even his GF). His GF recently had a miscarriage, and my DS is busy consoling her at the minute.

DH doesn't seem to realise how serious the other day was. As the bleeding has stopped, he appears to have misinterpreted the doctor's advice, and said that not picking up DD, was more related to 'pain' than the fact that my cervix may be opening.

I'm still in a lot of pain, and DD needs a bath (I've allowed her to go two nights without one Leaning over to bathe her, hurts at the best of times, but I've really put it off, but tonight she needs one.

DSS does know I was rushed to hosptial, does know I had a bleed, knows I'm not supposed to be picking up DD, can clearly see that I'm in agony when walking, but has still encouraged DH to take him out.

Of course I don't blame him, he's a nice enough lad, and I'm not trying to come between them, but the issues on both threads need to take priority, and I'd happily play host come earlyish new year, when things are more normal

Gosh don't people realise you can still feel unwanted or sidelined or pushed out or second best even over the age of 18.

OP also has a son the same age as DSS, who isn't 'allowed' to live/visit with her - why do his needs not count?

I've read the other thread too and I'm for your OP.

Please please think about this relationship and whether it's worth it to you to stay with this man -- he's now unemployed and if you have money troubles it will only get worse for you I fear.

At the very least, get yourself some distance away from him for a few days, take DD and go to your parents so they can help (if possible) and get yourself some time and space to think about what's best for you and your unborn baby and your little DD.

If you're unable to stand up to him and tell him what he needs to do to support you and make sure he follows through with it (and I can understand how you might be, given your current state and especially with your manipulative DSS around to give the one-two punch) then please just take yourself out of the situation for now, and go to the people who will love and help you.

I cant believe what im reading. I thought my DH was somewhat awkward when I was pregnant but jeez he would never in a million years of acted like this and pissed off for the day when medical advice was his wife and mother of his unborn needed to rest. He sounds like he has zero respect for you at all and sees you purely as an incubator for his children.

proudnreallyveryscary I do appreciate that, however DSS was supposed to come up for the whole of summer, I was fitter then, there was more room etc.

However, DSS was warned that if he came now he wouldn't get much attention, that it was really quite inconvenient for him to visit, and that I wasn't fit.

To be fair whilst I do feel sorryish for him, I think as an adult his views of being sidelined are his - and my priority (and DH's) should be with our unborn baby, who was put at risk.

The fact that DSS may well be feeling pushed out is his own fault, he cancelled plans, even though DH told him not to come now, and he cancelled the summer arrangement.

Also I have my own DS and if anyone should feel pushed out it is him. His birthday is next week, yet he knows I won't be up for going out for the meal with him, he wasn't able to live with us as DSS didn't want to share a room with him, he hasn't spent christmas with me for the last two years, as DSS has told DH that he won't see him if I go to my parents (where DS spends christmas), and although I invite DS here, DH refuses to give DS a lift home, as he & DSS are "having a drink".

Yet DSS makes a big thing about us being "family" at christmas, which involved me losing my temper last year, as I can't accept his view of "family" when my own DS is elsewhere

As I put in the other thread, I have no desire to host DSS this christmas, and to be fair I don't give a damn if that makes unreasonable!!!

Of course it's not DSS's fault, and I do try to ensure that DH takes plenty of photos of him with DD, and I encourage DH to phone him, and I have taken DSS's side over DH (when I fell DH has been unfair), and I realise that any bad-feeling is the result of DH not DSS. But, irregardless, DH was explicitly told that he had to lift DD for me, and his son's feelings of being 'pushed-out' should not even be considered, not in this case.

Crossposted with you OP -- but from reading your other thread, your DSS does NOT sound like a "nice enough lad" or at the very least he was born with his father's sense of courtesy and empathy .

So you need to drill it home for the two of them how serious your situation is. Can you do that? Would you be able to forgive yourself if something happened to your unborn baby because you and your DH could not follow through with your doctor's orders?

Actually to be fair to DH, it was my suggestion that he go out with DSS (before I landed up in hospital). So it's not DSS's or DH's fault there, but when the situation changed, then I think it's fair to make sacrifices, I would be happy for them to go to the pub, when DD is asleep (as long as she stays asleep), but it's the plan to be out when she has dinner, and her bath that worries me. Dinner is OK, but involves lifting her, and also then bending down to pick up all her dinner the food she drops, and DH has always helped here, and because of what's happened I really don't think I can cope

notmyproblem no I couldn't forgive myself, how I could make myself heard I'm not sure, especially as DH seems to think that the bleed was 'trivial'.