To not play happy families because stepson is here?

[karmathreefold]

DSS (21) is coming this weekend. We haven't seen him for a while, so it'll be nice for him & DD (16 months) to see each other.

I'm not particularly keen on 'playing' happy families though. I'll be prefectly pleasant & polite to DSS, and try my hardest to not let him feel uncomfortable, but I really don't want to put on an act for (D)H's sake.

I'm heavily pregnant (imminent within weeks), and suffer from very bad SPD at the moment, incredibly painful, but as the primary carer of DD I have to keep going, when all I want is to lie down (which in fact makes the SPD worse)!

I've been feeling inceasingly unwell, and have been having migraines. My midwife has told me to rest (i.e. sleep), during the day, but it is impossible to do so (though she told me to find someone to mind DD, which just isn't possible right now). When I told DH this, he retorted that I spend a lot of time sitting down, so I am resting, and that the midwife must think I'm walking into town???

DD periodically has sleeping issues. Usually she is as good as gold, put her down awake, and she sleeps from 8pm - 7.30am (after having to use controlled crying).

For the last three nights however, she has been a bloody monkey! She's been waking about 4am (last night she woke at 3am) and has refused to go back down into her cot.

I've tried everything - she is teething so I gave her Calprofen before bed, and when she woke gave her a dose of Calpol. Still she refused to sleep, except in my arms.

Thing is I'm not getting sleep. I'm not happy to sit in a chair, letting DD sleep on me, whilst missing out myself. Besides, she is leaning against the bump - which hurts, is hardly on my lap (due to bump) and is giving me dead arms.

I tried to take her into our bed, but she still won't even lie down she climbs on top of me, and puts my arms around her.

She eventually went to sleep at 7am this morning, but was awake at 8.30, I begged DH to get her up, to feed her etc, and let me sleep - his reaction was to shout, pull the duvet over my head, and tell me that he's going to start going to pubs & parties, as this isn't the life he wants.

I'm at my wit's end. This can't go on - I will not be able to hold DD for hours at a time, with a newborn, and I'm worried about how anyone looking after her will manage overnight. I guess controlled crying is the only answer - but next door get very upset, so I have to keep her quiet.

I'm especially annoyed at DH, who takes sleeping pills, has a good nights sleep, and still expects me to go without sleep, and moans about the mess of the house.

His son is coming today, and he's going to be nice to me, and has suggested we all go out for a meal, but he's so detached from my agony that I can't pretend things are fine

I feel dreadfully sorry for you. The problem here is your shit of a dh. I know it's not the done thing to say leave him but I think you're going to have a shitty life if you stay with this man.

Porkchopster - so if one poor kid is being pushed away, the other one should be penalised too to make it equal?

Err... Proudnreallyveryscary I'm not sure how you figure that DSS is being penalised??? Or being pushed away???

Karma - I just can't agree with you. I still think DSS is absolutely every bit as important as your baby.

I am very sorry about the issues surrounding your son and am concerned about how that will affect him too. That is an unacceptable situation.

But it worries me that you blame your DSS for this, rather than your dh.

I am a 'step child' and even at the age of 41 situations and conversations still hurt me. I always felt second best and unwanted and those feelings still arise - sometimes it's quite subtle, sometimes unintentional. I could talk about it/give examples for hours but I won't!

It all sounds like a big old mess to me and I'm afraid I think lots of children here will/have end up hurt.

Once you are well and have a lovely healthy baby can you have a big 'clear out'/pow wow and sort out as many issues as poss so everyone feels valued and heard and get equal time with you/dh?

I have flu so sorry if this is rambling and not making much sense.

(and as I hope I've made clear above, your dh is the root of the problems, not DSS or anyone else)

I didnt see the post about falling down the stairs! My bad.

Sorry.

Proudnreallyveryscary If you mean he may feel upset if his dad changes plans - then tough shit!!! If something were to happen because he 'sulked' then his dad & I would truly be over, but I'd make damned sure that DSS would miss out on seeing his half-sister again!

I'm sorry but I don't think that DSS is like that, and it's not reasonable to expect a DH whose been told to help his wife with their DD, to trot off - and if he did cancel with DSS then that is not penalising DSS, and if he felt it were, then he'd be a prick tbh.

Surely anyone with half a brain would realise that a medical reason for not going, trumps 'hurt feelings'. After all I've not banned them from going out tonight, but to leave me all day with DD, just because it may upset DSS is very stupid, and would make me never want to see DSS again.

If his dad was suddenly taken to hospital then should he jump out of his hospital bed so as to meet his son's needs? Because it's the exact same thing, but the health of me, our unborn baby & DD (if something happened when alone with her) that is at stake here - surely you're not seriously suggesting that DH should put his son's feelings above us?

Does your DH have any redeeming qualities?!

I'm sorry about the loss of your DS's baby :(

I'm going to ignore all the serious deep down problems here to point out that your DD does not "need" a bath, not enough to endanger your health. You can wipe her down with a flannel and if she pongs a tiny bit so be it - DH can bathe her tomorrow.
And she can have a "special picnic tea" on a rug on the sitting room floor (or wherever works for you).
In practical terms she only needs to be fed, (with low mess food, DH can sweep up the crumbs tomorrow) warm and loved. Everything else is an optional luxury for the next 24 hours.

Proudnreallyveryscary WOW!!! So you're saying that DSS's happiness is as important as the LIFE OF MY BABY????

I've NEVER said that DSS wasn't as important as our baby, and have never thought that.

But you think DH should go out, and if something did happen (god forbid) then you would be OK with that???

Surely the life of my baby, my health & the safety of DD is MORE important than DSS's feelings here???

Surely a wife who fell down the stairs, who had bleeding - was warned not to lift DD in case of pre=term labour - surely that trumps DSS's little outing with his dad - if not it damned well should, and if DSS thought different, then he would never be welcome again.

One is about feelings (not life or death) one is life or death ffs

Karma, wow calm down, what I wrote was from the heart and very clearly not said aggressively or with any malice.
As you seem to be absolutely, off-the-scale spitting mad with me, I'll leave this thread.
My main point was my concern that you blame DSS and not your husband for the situtation with your son and the current situation, and I think that is warped.
Your husband sounds stunningly selfish if not abusive.
I've said many times how sorry I am for what you are going through and I wish you and your baby all the very best.

You seem to be focusing your anger on a 21 year old. Your dh is your husband two of your dcs father. He is the shit one here.

Proud - it isn't as if Karma has a choice - she is medically unfit to care for her toddler because of a medical emergency. It isn't about choosing 'who is most important'. She could have lost the baby.

Plus the DH and the DSS have acted in a pincer movemnet to totally sideline Karma's DS. As if the men in his side of the family are marking out territory, literally (the bedroom) and emotionally - the emotional blackmail in which your DH manages to keep you from your DS at Christmas and your DSS attempts to 'claim' your DH's time by driving to Scotland (FFS)

Frankly, Karma, your DH and his DS are treating you like a brood mare - her indoors to look after the offspring with no care or consideration. I know you are in a very vulnerable state at the moment, but you need to take a more assertive stance wrt your own needs. Hindsight is a luxury, but it would have been better if you had refused to give up your house and move in with H until he had found a bigger house for you all. So learn form that and from now on, think 'what do I have to lose, what needs to happen so that all MY needs are met, too'.

Proud - tbh I think it was your v narrow comment: of course the DSS is important, as is the OP's totally ill-treated (by his step-father!!) and pushed out DS, and in the immediate circumstances it is the P's health which is acutely important. The need to respond to the OP's medical emergency and general vulnerability doesn't mean that in the longer term, and over the wider picture, the DSS isn't equally important.

In the long run, you need to either kick H up the arse or leave!
What would have happened to his day out if you'd had to stay in hospital? Or if (sorry I dont know how pregnant you are) the baby had been born early and been in SCBU? What would he have done with DD in order to still have his precious day out?
Short term, as Lulu said, a bath isnt essential, and picnic tea on the floor. And leave the mess for him when he gets in!!! Can DD climb into her buggy? To save you lifting her into bed, maybe she could sleep there til TH (twat husband) gets home?

Karma, it's a sideline to this thread, but if I were you I would go home to my own family at Christmas and tell your H to lump it. He doesn't have the right to keep you and your DS apart. Bastard. I feel furious typing this. I'm not sure why you're not more angry with him, to be honest. Your SS doesn't sound great either, but I imagine that's inherited.

If you can't go to family (and I can see why not) do you have family or friends who could come over and look after you and your DD?

"I'm going to ignore all the serious deep down problems here to point out that your DD does not "need" a bath, not enough to endanger your health. You can wipe her down with a flannel and if she pongs a tiny bit so be it - DH can bathe her tomorrow.
And she can have a "special picnic tea" on a rug on the sitting room floor (or wherever works for you).
In practical terms she only needs to be fed, (with low mess food, DH can sweep up the crumbs tomorrow) warm and loved. Everything else is an optional luxury for the next 24 hours."

Absolutely.

By all means use this forum to vent your rightful anger at dh (not dss), but there are practical things you can also do if you are left alone.

I would also consider leaving a dh like that.

"low mess food"
Fuck that, give her spaghetti bolognese!!

Proudnreallyveryscary as you said you were leaving this thread, I don't know whether you'll see this or not...but firstly I unreservedly apologise.

You're right of course, my real issue is DH. It could have been any random friend who popped up, and that would inspire my anger, it is DH's dismissal which is so hurtful, and I' angry, tired, emotional & in pain, but really didn't mwan what I wrote to you.

Secondly I have namechanged, and although this is an entirely different scenario, still DH seems to be at fault.

It's not just with DSS I come so low, I also don't get a look-in WRT DH's female friend (his ex), who he's been busy fixing something, all week, for a friend of hers, despite my obvious anger over this, add in DSS, a fall, a non-sleeping DD & a bleed (scared me to the core), and I've just about had enough, and long to come first, for once, in one person's life...if only for a few seconds.

[hwink]

I think I recognise from "DHs female friend"
If you are who I think you are, you seriously need to get out. If you cant do it for you, do it for DD and the baby
[hsad]