To not play happy families because stepson is here?

[karmathreefold]

DSS (21) is coming this weekend. We haven't seen him for a while, so it'll be nice for him & DD (16 months) to see each other.

I'm not particularly keen on 'playing' happy families though. I'll be prefectly pleasant & polite to DSS, and try my hardest to not let him feel uncomfortable, but I really don't want to put on an act for (D)H's sake.

I'm heavily pregnant (imminent within weeks), and suffer from very bad SPD at the moment, incredibly painful, but as the primary carer of DD I have to keep going, when all I want is to lie down (which in fact makes the SPD worse)!

I've been feeling inceasingly unwell, and have been having migraines. My midwife has told me to rest (i.e. sleep), during the day, but it is impossible to do so (though she told me to find someone to mind DD, which just isn't possible right now). When I told DH this, he retorted that I spend a lot of time sitting down, so I am resting, and that the midwife must think I'm walking into town???

DD periodically has sleeping issues. Usually she is as good as gold, put her down awake, and she sleeps from 8pm - 7.30am (after having to use controlled crying).

For the last three nights however, she has been a bloody monkey! She's been waking about 4am (last night she woke at 3am) and has refused to go back down into her cot.

I've tried everything - she is teething so I gave her Calprofen before bed, and when she woke gave her a dose of Calpol. Still she refused to sleep, except in my arms.

Thing is I'm not getting sleep. I'm not happy to sit in a chair, letting DD sleep on me, whilst missing out myself. Besides, she is leaning against the bump - which hurts, is hardly on my lap (due to bump) and is giving me dead arms.

I tried to take her into our bed, but she still won't even lie down she climbs on top of me, and puts my arms around her.

She eventually went to sleep at 7am this morning, but was awake at 8.30, I begged DH to get her up, to feed her etc, and let me sleep - his reaction was to shout, pull the duvet over my head, and tell me that he's going to start going to pubs & parties, as this isn't the life he wants.

I'm at my wit's end. This can't go on - I will not be able to hold DD for hours at a time, with a newborn, and I'm worried about how anyone looking after her will manage overnight. I guess controlled crying is the only answer - but next door get very upset, so I have to keep her quiet.

I'm especially annoyed at DH, who takes sleeping pills, has a good nights sleep, and still expects me to go without sleep, and moans about the mess of the house.

His son is coming today, and he's going to be nice to me, and has suggested we all go out for a meal, but he's so detached from my agony that I can't pretend things are fine

Hey Karma, I popped back. Thanks for your kind response, no need to apologise. Again so sorry for all this shit you're going through - your frustration and anger is completely understandable. You must have been so scared over your bleed, love. I won't go over my points again, because I've said them more than once (I do stand by them). I am really concerned about you and hope you will take on board some great advice on here re your h who has torn you apart from your ds - once you are strong enough, take some important steps.

God, threads like this just make me want to cry , how do such cruel, cold people get loving partners? You must feel so isolated and lonely op, I really really feel for you and second other suggestions to go to family.

Karma.
Your "D"H is a cock. Your DSS is behaving like a bit of a spoilt brat, not just over this weekend but also over the Christmas issue. Bedrooms - meh, I can see that he wouldn't want to share but your H should have found a way to deal with that, not just sidelined your own DS.
The female friend situation which has just been mentioned sounds highly dubious

But what really concerns me is this: after this fall you had, resulting in a bleed and the fact that you are not supposed to be lifting your DD, why is it that your H cannot see that there is a risk you could go into labour while he is out gallivanting? Have you actually realised that yourself? (I'm assuming you have, you just haven't mentioned it). Only a complete prick would leave you alone with a toddler at this stage! I am beyond angry at him - but have YOU spelled it out to the pair of them what the risks are? Or have they dismissed your concerns as melodramatic?

Ah, the Lundy Bancroft book - good call, SGM.

I think you need to be in your own flat by Christmas, maybe v close to your Mum's, and where your DS and his GF can come and spend christmas with you.

Stewie is right - this man is more than selfish and negligent, he is emotionally abusive.

You shouldn't have to beg for kindness and basic care and respect, you are the mother of his DD and pg with his baby.

Thank you all.

Unfortunately DSS has caught me out on here.

I had to go out to collect a prescription (DH actually drove me).

We left DSS here, getting ready for going out with DH by the time we got back.

When we got back DSS had gone, left a note telling his dad not to bother.

I noticed my laptop was on. I'd carefully left it off when we'd gone out, I'd actually ensured it was off. I also made sure that facebook was the last page I'd looked at before turning it off (call it gut instinct).

When I came in it was on, the history page was up, and the whole of this thread, was the most recently viewed - and as I've read the first pages I never had cause to look at them again.

My laptop is most definitely NOT a family one! DH has his own (his is fingerprint protected), and mine has no password - but I've never bloody needed it, it's my personal property. Sure DH could look (and has), but I'm quite happy for him to see, as I've not lied. But, to be fair, he doesn't...he'd be more likely if he thought I were having an affair, but he knows I'm not, so he doesn't really care what I do.

If DSS had asked to borrow my laptop - to check emails etc - the answer would have been NO, his dad set him up with an account on his, and we have a family computer, so there is no earthly reason, or defence, that can excuse him from violating my personal property...FFS I have photos on here I don't want him to see!!!! And if he can't respect my privacy & property, and I can't leave things in the house, without him intruding, then TBH he can never come here again.

DH phoned him (DH has no idea). He told DH that he was pissed off, and had to go out for air, so DH has now gone to get him, and they are going out on their day & night together. Of course DSS will tell DH & I'm scared tbh, but I cannot believe that DSS has violated my trust in such a way.

Our bedroom door has also been opened.

It reminds me of an incident at christmas. DSS came here pleading poverty, and I paid for him & DH to have a night out, and for them to have takeaways. DSS saw me take money out of my bag, but I thought nothing of it.

The next day I went to get some money for DH. I'd had £180 in my bag (for cash over xmas), after I'd given DH money the night before (I gave him £50).

Later DH picked up DSS's trousers & a wad of £20s fell out. DH asked DSS why he claimed to be broke, and DSS said that he'd forgotten about the money.

I never said a word, not one. I just tried to convince myself that I'd been mistaken, and really didn't want to believe that DSS could have taken it - the idea was so awful!

Oh karma I am sorry. The apple has obviously not fallen far from the tree. Give them both the air.

Karma , I don't have anything to say that hasn't been said above .

Just wanted to wish you good luck with your baby , I hope your both ok , and your dd too x

Thank you all.

I really expected to be flamed, and for everyone to have sympathy for DSS, when they read that he'd looked on my laptop, and wrote that post quite defensively.

I do think I've not been unfair, on writing what I have, as I said it's my personal property, and I never expected him to look - if I'd used the communal computer it would have been different.

I guess it'd be like him getting the key to my diary (which I don't have), and reading that - he must have known it was a violation, and I was always told you never hear well of yourself if you listen in on other's conversations

I'm so sorry to hear that. Ask for the thread to be pulled if you lik as mj said?

Best of luck. I hope perhaps ultimately this thread being seen will after the furour dies down (sp?) improve things for you.

karma

Huge sympathy for you, this sounds like a terrible situation to be in. Perhaps a name change might suit you, or have the thread moved elsewhere?

I second SGM's recommendation to read the Lundy Bancroft book.

Agree with Andrewofgg that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree - "D"SS is a nasty piece of work - wonder where he gets that from.

Btw say that as someone who had a bad relationship with my step mum (not inferring that you are a bad sm at all karma, just commenting on my situation).

I didn't like her (long story) but would never have dreamt of behaving in such a disrespectful way.

I am really sorry to hear this, Karma.

And doubly sorry that in addition to being so vulnerable over your health, you now don't even have your own privacy in your own home.
H and your DSS to have a night out without you - but your DH won't give your DS a lift home so that he can see you on Christmas Day?

There's a big imbalance, isn't there?

It's tough standing your ground, Karma, but better than being a doormat.

Sorry - 'you paid for DH and DSS to have a night out...'

I think it's okay for them both to know how you feel, and you have said good things about DSS, with maybe one or two exceptions. It's good he realizes how you feel about your shuffled aside own DS. DSS should realize that he stopped your DS from living with you as he may have doctored that up in his memory. And DH needs to know how you feel and what DSS has read, because, DH, you have been an ass. DH, you need to grow up and take care of your wife and babies. You have been downplaying her injuries and pain. How would you like to be walking with a broken pelvis, with a thirty pound pregnancy belly strapped to you, and getting very little sleep while you struggle to get up and care for toddler, while your spouse dozes on after taking a sleeping pill???

Wow Karma!! I think you and your husband need to have a serious talk about where you are heading. You are both in the wrong, and seem to have forgotten that there are FOUR children in your relationship, and they are not YOU, Your HUSBAND, DD and DSS!!!

saffron, why is what you've posted helpful? In what way is the OP in the wrong here?

I think the OP has been trying her best. she is the victim in a controlling relationship from what I can make out. That is very difficult.

She has tried to accomodate her DSS over the years yet he has rewarded her by helping push her son out and by spying on her. He is an adult and therefore capable of adult behaviour. At no point has teh OP ever suggested that her DH should not spend time with his son.

TBH if he had been helping over the past few weeks and letting her get some rest from time to time. I would be more sympathetic towards her DH wanting a day out., but he hasn't has he. I would be even more sympathetic if he had helped and had arranged for a friend to come round today.