To not play happy families because stepson is here?

[karmathreefold]

DSS (21) is coming this weekend. We haven't seen him for a while, so it'll be nice for him & DD (16 months) to see each other.

I'm not particularly keen on 'playing' happy families though. I'll be prefectly pleasant & polite to DSS, and try my hardest to not let him feel uncomfortable, but I really don't want to put on an act for (D)H's sake.

I'm heavily pregnant (imminent within weeks), and suffer from very bad SPD at the moment, incredibly painful, but as the primary carer of DD I have to keep going, when all I want is to lie down (which in fact makes the SPD worse)!

I've been feeling inceasingly unwell, and have been having migraines. My midwife has told me to rest (i.e. sleep), during the day, but it is impossible to do so (though she told me to find someone to mind DD, which just isn't possible right now). When I told DH this, he retorted that I spend a lot of time sitting down, so I am resting, and that the midwife must think I'm walking into town???

DD periodically has sleeping issues. Usually she is as good as gold, put her down awake, and she sleeps from 8pm - 7.30am (after having to use controlled crying).

For the last three nights however, she has been a bloody monkey! She's been waking about 4am (last night she woke at 3am) and has refused to go back down into her cot.

I've tried everything - she is teething so I gave her Calprofen before bed, and when she woke gave her a dose of Calpol. Still she refused to sleep, except in my arms.

Thing is I'm not getting sleep. I'm not happy to sit in a chair, letting DD sleep on me, whilst missing out myself. Besides, she is leaning against the bump - which hurts, is hardly on my lap (due to bump) and is giving me dead arms.

I tried to take her into our bed, but she still won't even lie down she climbs on top of me, and puts my arms around her.

She eventually went to sleep at 7am this morning, but was awake at 8.30, I begged DH to get her up, to feed her etc, and let me sleep - his reaction was to shout, pull the duvet over my head, and tell me that he's going to start going to pubs & parties, as this isn't the life he wants.

I'm at my wit's end. This can't go on - I will not be able to hold DD for hours at a time, with a newborn, and I'm worried about how anyone looking after her will manage overnight. I guess controlled crying is the only answer - but next door get very upset, so I have to keep her quiet.

I'm especially annoyed at DH, who takes sleeping pills, has a good nights sleep, and still expects me to go without sleep, and moans about the mess of the house.

His son is coming today, and he's going to be nice to me, and has suggested we all go out for a meal, but he's so detached from my agony that I can't pretend things are fine

It speaks volumes that Karma's H has a passworded computer to which she has no access, and yet her laptop is viewed as fair game for anyone.

I think it unfair to blame the OP for anything in this horrible mess except not putting HERSELF first more often.

And snooping is really low. It was completely unacceptable for him to look - while waiting for his father to come home and take him out for the day.

Leaving and saying 'forget it' was pehaps a generous and sensitive act, if the DSS saw how unhappy, ill and neglected the OP is - in which case good for him.

yes - I agree with your seocnd point - ammend to 'not putting herself AND HER DS first'.

But re the passwords - he keeps his stuff private, she does not protect herself.

Tadlow.
I appreciate Karma is in a lot of pain, I really do. I haven't had SPD but my sister has and I could see her agony.
But, This line WOW!!! So you're saying that DSS's happiness is as important as the LIFE OF MY BABY???? was over the top and very childish.
Also, it would be a cold day in hell before I married a man who pushed a child of mine out of my life. and both Karma and her husband seem determined that there should be an adult child that is left out of the family. Karma doesn't want her DH's Son in the family and her husband doesn't want Karma's Adult Son either.

Well, altinkum, you know what they say about eavesdroppers, and I think cyber-snoopers are laying themselves open to the same risk that they'll find out what unpleasant thoughts people are having about them. He didn't have to go snooping around in his stepmother's laptop: he's an adult and should know what the boundaries are.

saffron the op isn't say one is more important than the other. She is saying that the life of one is more important than the other's feelings - there's a big difference.

Her baby could die to save the feelings of this grown up DSS. He won't die if his father doesn't take him out, he'll just be put out for a bit.

Hope everything is ok, OP.

Hang on altinkum - karma's son was pushed out because her SS didn't want to share a room. How come his wishes take precedence? And why feel so sorry for him - didn't you read upthread about him effectively stealing from her?

Strikes me he is not the victim here - and that he takes his behavioural cues from Dad. He sees Dad treating his stepmum like crap and acts accordingly.

Also, a fall when you are heavily pregnant is bloody well dangerous and scary, and she's been left, exhausted and in pain, plus at risk of going into premature labour - to look after her toddler DD while H and SS head out on their jollies?

I think some people must have read a different thread to me because the behaviour of H and SS here is just awful. Thoughtless and inconsiderate is the best spin you could put on it.

Mysterious - You say 'the op isn't say one is more important than the other. She is saying that the life of one is more important than the other's feelings' this is the bit I don't understand. In the OPost Karma says 'I'm heavily pregnant (imminent within weeks)' so how can she say 'WOW!!! So you're saying that DSS's happiness is as important as the LIFE OF MY BABY????'

Am I missing something. I had a good ole google and couldn't see how SPD at such an advanced stage could kill her unborn baby.
Surely by staying downstairs and Karma keeping her fully charged home phone and keeping her mobile phone on constantly with plenty of credit and battery. Karma would be able to call for an ambulance/dh/Karma's parents/her sister if she needed them. To say anything else is a tad dramatic and self serving.
Awaits flamming.

Saffron, she went to hospital with bleeding and they told her to rest and not lift her DD in case it brought on pre-term labour. I think that's fairly clear.

saffron - it's the fall and subsequent bleed that could lead to premature labour - according to the DOCTOR. Not the SPD.

Be a love, read the thread before commenting

x post Tadlow

I had ds at 27 weeks.
Believe me I know everything there is to know about being a scared mother.
I believe Karma is heavily pregnant (imminent within weeks)
I am leaving now to put my 12 year old (the 27 weeker) in the bath before bed he needs a little help.

OP's other thread says she's due 3 weeks before Christmas...

OP, I have been lurking but others have (mostly) been giving you good advice. I feel very sorry for you and especially your DS. I know you have a lot going on right now, but perhaps you need to consider your options seriously? Perhaps speaking to a solicitor (I believe many offer a free half hour) to see what your options are? Perhaps also speaking to CAB about benefits/housing if you were to leave? You don't have to follow through with any of these steps, but it might feel empowering to know you have other options than just staying put?

I hope the bleeding has stopped and everything goes okay with the rest of your pregnancy. Sending unMN hugs your way too.

"As I said, all this is fooked up, and instead of dealing with the situation, everyone is skipping round it."

Well I agree with you there altinkum it certainly does sound messed up.

The H could certainly be doing a lot more to help and I believe SS behaves like he does cos he is modelling behaviour displayed by his Dad.

Andrewfogg on Saturday 21:10 I posted on here about this strange phenomona of over protective dads with their adult sons which comes up time and time again on the stepparenting forum. Always the detriment of the Dad and new wife/partners relationship and any other children is fair game before any consideration at all will be given to changing the routine etc of the SSs visit by even one iota. Raising the adult SS to an almost 'golden child' or 'messiah' like status - both terms used on threads on steparenting topic born out of severe frustration and resentment caused by this 'lioness with cub' (another term used on there) mentality of the Dad.

Your reply to me states that this just 'goes with the territory' and 'you know what you are getting into' etc.

God how we stepmums hate those phrases. Yes - as you say we do know - and of course there are times when their 'child' adult or not must come first. I was talking more about instances like the OPs - and I thought I made that clear - where this defensiveness of the adult child is totally misguided and disproportionate. As I think the OP herself said as an example - putting DSSs possible hurt feelings about a cancelled/postponed day out above the safe delivery of his unborn baby.

Yes it is good and normal to protect and defend your own offspring and their feelings - absolutely - adult or not. Ditto with putting one of them first at times of need - or even for the hell of it sometimes if the others are all diddling along ok - absolutely. But to put even their slightest whim or perceived need for absolute consistency re: their visits etc. before everyone else in your life and even if its to their detriment is surely not healthy and just to be accepted with a shrug ?

Saffron, a placental rupture at 39 weeks can be fatal. Bleeding, possible rupture ay home unattended IS dangerous at any stage!

Madam52 Perhaps I should say that I am not a stepfather or a stepson!

I am not in any way defending the OP's slob of a DH, or indeed her DSS. I entirely agree that he should be putting OP and her needs first and that the adult son should wait. Sorry if I left that in any doubt.

In fact some good may yet come of DSS's behaviour. He may care to remember - if by chance he has caught the bug, joined up, and is reading this on his own machine - that the child now due is his own half-sibling, and who knows? he may even tell his father how thoughtless he is being - and that their men-together-time must wait.

OP, if you are still there, all the very best to you whatever you decide to do and good luck with the imminent LO. Try to believe that possession of a Y-chromosome does not automatically produce an arse.

Saffron, exhausted from weeks of broken sleep (while her H takes sleeping tablets) and with terrible SPD she fell down stairs carrying washing and suffered a bleed. Yes, such a fall / bleed could kill her baby.

Altinkum - the DSS will also have read that she
-accepts and acknowledges that the real issue is not ac the DSS but her H's behaviour
-that in general she is very happy to support a relationship between her DH and his DS, and has herself treated the DSS to a takaway etc, so is not so unwelcoming
-that she is happy for her DSS to come, but that this is just a bad moment

• that while facilitating or allowing her H to take control of Christmas arrangements she has missed time with her own DS