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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to complain to the school about what rugby coach said?

146 replies

olderyetwider · 13/10/2011 13:22

GS (11) has just started rugby coaching as out of hours activity at school. The coaches are sports students from local university. Gs enjoyed his first session very much. While telling me about it he said that the coach said it was a tough game, and they mustn't 'bitch out' when tackled etc. I explored this a bit and apparently the coach said that it means acting like a girl when faced with bigger players etc. (GS also said coach said not to tell teachers about the language)

I can't stand that word, or the denigration of girls implied by it, and it's not the way we've brought him up to think about girls

Is it me being a humourless old feminist, or should I complain?

OP posts:
ClevelandAnnie · 13/10/2011 13:28

I would complain. Then it's up to the school to decide how they deal with it.

I would also complain about the coach saying not to tell teachers about the language. Why say that? Sounds dodgy to me. Would make me think the coach has been warned about it before.

The school is responsible for all their staff, regardless of whether it is during school hours or after school.

AMumInScotland · 13/10/2011 13:29

I think you need to report it - specially since the student told them not to! He obviously knows full well that it is not an aceptable way to speak to the children, but chose to do it anyway. The school needs to get someone to have a polite word with him about what they expect. If he's going to be a PE teacher or sports coach then he needs to start learning the wiser aspects of the job too.

MrSpoc · 13/10/2011 13:29

i think the context of "stop bitching" has nothing to do with sexism or feminism but more about meaning dont wimp out or complain.

Most women use the word bitchint to discribe people (men or women) who stand around complaining.

But for you explore "what ever that means" his meaing i feel you have put crap into his head.

I agree with the coach, it is a rough sport and if you do not like it then you should not play.

Original poster
olderyetwider · 13/10/2011 13:32

MrSpoc, did you mean to be offensive when you said I've put crap in his head?

OP posts:
sunshineandbooks · 13/10/2011 13:34

I would complain. The coach quite clearly stated that it meant "acting like a girl" so this is a blatant act of sexism.

Whatmeworry · 13/10/2011 13:35

I wouldn't. DH used to coach kids' rugby, it is a physical game and the coaches are pretty unrepentant when it comes to sensitive parents whingeing FYI. I also suspect GS would be mortified if you complained, and may well then be teased for it so this ism not going to help him.

This isn't about your sensitivities, its about him and giving him a fair shot at a game he clearly already loves.

sunshineandbooks · 13/10/2011 13:35

And all professionals involved with children should, as part of their training, have been told in no uncertain terms that it is never acceptable for adults to encourage children to keep secrets from other adults.

MrSpoc · 13/10/2011 13:35

just said it how i saw it. May not be true but i get the impression that you pushed your son to describe it the way he said as it falls in line with your feminist points.

Am i wrong??? (also i doubt you felt offended by that)

mumblechum1 · 13/10/2011 13:36

I think he probably meant the word in the complaining sense, ie if you get hurt, don't bitch about it?

Rather than the women are bitches sense, iykwim.

I personally wouldn't complain, rugby is a rough sport and the culture is going to be rough and ready.

DS does American Football which is even more brutal. The (Christian) coaches stand on the sidelines screaming "Kill Him!!"

watfordmummy · 13/10/2011 13:37
Biscuit
squeakytoy · 13/10/2011 13:37

Oh come on.. its on a rugby pitch.. .what do you expect?

By "GS"... do you mean grandson or godson? Either way, what do his parents have to say about it??

cumbria81 · 13/10/2011 13:38

You are completely and utterly overreactng.

sunshineandbooks · 13/10/2011 13:38

It is the unwillingness to challenge gender stereotypes that, in part, leads to their persistence. They may seem harmless but they contribute alongside a million other small things that denigrate women.

I don't hold with the 'it's just words' argument, since I'm pretty sure if anyone's DH on here called them a "fucking fat cunt" the argument "it's just words" wouldn't hold much water.

Whatmeworry · 13/10/2011 13:39

I also don't think "bitch out" necessarily means behave like a girl, it also means don't complain, suck it up etc.

squeakytoy · 13/10/2011 13:39

How the hell can you compare calling someone "a fucking fat cunt" with saying someone is acting like a girl.... Hmm

sunshineandbooks · 13/10/2011 13:40

Because they are both insults that can be used to apply to both sexes but stem from the basis that femaleness (cunt/bitching) is somehow inferior.

Whatmeworry · 13/10/2011 13:40

And it really isn't your call OP, its the parents' call.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 13/10/2011 13:40

As a feminist I have to say there is a time and a place: pick your battles. We probably have to accept that rugby is one of the last bastions of old fashioned macho attitudes. But it it so brilliant for boys of this age ( I have two ds) that this is one to let go. Complaining will only backfire on your ds.

mosschops30 · 13/10/2011 13:41

I think you are being pathetically sensitive.
Hes 11 not 5, im sure he hears worse every day, unless you home school!
You cant keep them from hearing stuff.

I agree rugby is a tough sport, coaches and clubs are tough and if you complain about things like this it will have a knock on effect for your ds.

herbietea · 13/10/2011 13:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

NorfolkBroad · 13/10/2011 13:42

mumblechum! :O

I also hate language like this but....I wouldn't rush in there and complain as a one off. Mainly because your DS has to see this person on a regular basis and he might be an excellent coach. We had an athletics coach visiting our primary school for half a term, he was very "old school" and in some ways it jarred with our approach a bit. However, he was also a fantastic, inspirational teacher and we all grew to love him!

sunshineandbooks · 13/10/2011 13:42

BTW, if this was my DS, I wouldn't be going in there all guns blazing. That would be a massive over-reaction. I would be having a word with the coach, not getting him into trouble with his superiors, and I would be doing it in a non-confrontational way that tried to get him on board and see the plus points of change, rather than making him feel I was attacking him.

This is not crime of the century, but it should be tackled IMO.

Hungrydragon · 13/10/2011 13:43

Also has a feminist who played Rugby, this sounds no different to the expressions used when I played at this age.

I think it is a case of picking your battles, maybe respect your god/grand sons wishes on this one?

squeakytoy · 13/10/2011 13:44

Because they are both insults that can be used to apply to both sexes but stem from the basis that femaleness (cunt/bitching) is somehow inferior

Only if you want to think that.. most people calling someone a cunt are just calling them a cunt because they dont like the person, and it has fuck all to do with a womans anatomy. Exactly the same way I could say to a woman to stop behaving like a dick... its a sexless term in todays language. You only see "denigration" in it if you really want to...

Salmotrutta · 13/10/2011 13:44

It may be that the phrase came out unintentionally and the student realised he'd overstepped the mark (and he definitely has!) so hence asking the kids not to tell. That doesn't make it right but it may be an explanation.
Is it your grandson? Are you his guardian? If not, I'd let a parent decide.