Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to complain to the school about what rugby coach said?

146 replies

olderyetwider · 13/10/2011 13:22

GS (11) has just started rugby coaching as out of hours activity at school. The coaches are sports students from local university. Gs enjoyed his first session very much. While telling me about it he said that the coach said it was a tough game, and they mustn't 'bitch out' when tackled etc. I explored this a bit and apparently the coach said that it means acting like a girl when faced with bigger players etc. (GS also said coach said not to tell teachers about the language)

I can't stand that word, or the denigration of girls implied by it, and it's not the way we've brought him up to think about girls

Is it me being a humourless old feminist, or should I complain?

OP posts:
BoffinMum · 13/10/2011 16:42

Rugby is a game for men too scared to attempt lacrosse against teenage girls. Grin

TakeThisOneHereForAStart · 13/10/2011 16:42

I don't know if I would complain as such OP, but as this is an out of hours activity could you turn up a bit early to collect him from the next one and perhaps use your judgement to decide if you want to have a word with the coach in question after seeing him in action.

If this was your GS's first time at the club, was it also the student's first time coaching it? Perhaps his actions were misguided because of first time nerves and a habit of speaking like that during games at the college with fellow students. It could have been a one off slip, compounded by his explanation of what he meant by it.

Probably the best thing to do, if you decided to do anything, is explain to your grandson why it's not a word you would use or a fair description of girls and although it may be something he hears used by other people both at sporting events and elsewhere, it's not something most people would necessarily say or believe. Point out that there are a lot of accomplished women involved in sports, including those that are traditionally "men's sports" and then just keep listening to his talk about his lessons to see if he mentions any other comments like this from the coach.

I am a little surprised at how many people are defending the coach using the words "bitch out" and ignoring his definition of it ("apparently the coach said that it means acting like a girl when faced with bigger players etc.") to suggest it is just a harmless unisex word implying that the boys were complaining a bit or acting scared of the other players.

Especially since we have a thread going somewhere about sexist christmas presents from the PTA, which seemed to have everybody up in arms about the potential damage to the girls who were to receive them. How can we infer sexism from a Christmas present but be perfectly happy about words like "bitch out" and definitions of it meaning to "act like a girl"?

There is a difference between "Don't tell so-and-so I did that", "Let's keep this a secret" and "We are making this as a surprise."

Although my son is still a little too young to understand all this we are trying to teach him the difference between good secrets ("don't tell Grandma what we bought her for her birthday, it's a surprise...") and bad ones ("Your Mum and Dad will be cross with us both if you tell them, it's our secret...") and promise him that we will never be angry with him for telling us the truth.

If this is a one off slip of the tongue then it's probably not the end of the world that he asked the boys not to tell the teachers. After all, your GS still told you so he didn't ask them to keep it a secret from everyone. As long as your GS knows he can tell you anything, even if he is asked not to, then I think you are okay on that one.

AmberLeaf · 13/10/2011 16:45

Frikonastick

What you said re substituting 'Bitch out' for 'paki out' is just so ridiculous I dont know where to start.

Me and my children have been victims of racism and Ive challenged it when ive witnessed it happen to other people so dont think that im the sort of person that would think that sort of thing is acceptable, I just find your attempt to say its the same thing ridiculous.

It so isnt the same thing and implying that someone who doesnt take issue with 'bitch out' would advocate the use of the word 'paki' is offensive and stupid.

grovel · 13/10/2011 16:47

I think this thread is bonkers.
Can't get worked up about the OP's indignation at all.

TakeThisOneHereForAStart · 13/10/2011 16:50

I think frikonastick has a point actually.

It's not so long ago that it was okay to use racist language to describe both good and bad traits in people.

For example, to imply that people from a certain country were all work-shy or that others with a particular skin colour would work hard but only intelligent enough for manual labour.

That's not accepted now and the few people who do still think and speak that way are swiftly criticised, and rightly so.

ramblinrose · 13/10/2011 16:51

I agree grovel
The replies make interesting reading though.Some massive over reactions.

Chocobo · 13/10/2011 16:52

Amberleaf - I don't think Frikonastick was implying that somebody who uses sexist language (and inferring that girls are bitches and to act like one is inferior is sexist imo) is ok with racist language - just that society does not place the same importance on anti-sexism as it does on anti-racism.

To me the only difference between sexist and racist language is that one is socially acceptable and the other is not.

stealthsquiggle · 13/10/2011 16:57

I shall try "jessie" on DS and see if it works, or maybe "quiet play" vs, "rough and tumble" as there are definitely "quiet play" boys in his year as well. Unfortunately, he really means "silly, feeble, squealy, annoying as hell girls" and he knows I find them annoying too Blush.

grovel · 13/10/2011 17:15

stealth, that made me laugh (with you, not at you).
My sister was here was here recently with my nephew (12) and niece (11). Nephew thinks niece's friends are all "girly" (meaning silly, feeble, squealy, annoying as hell). Niece thinks nephew's friends are soooo "laddish" (loud, chaotic, boorish, rough). Are they both being sexist? Or one of them? Or neither?

Hungrydragon · 13/10/2011 17:26

frikonastick

that comment simply wasn't cricket Wink

dangalf · 13/10/2011 17:54

I'm upset on behalf of all female dogs. I knew several who loved rugby and would be shocked and appalled by the denigration of their kind by this hideous young man.

scarlettsmummy2 · 13/10/2011 17:59

Haven't read all the posts but I don't know what you would achieve by complaining. This is pretty common language within the rugby fraternity and it won't stop by you saying anything. Yes, you might get the coach in trouble, but how will your grandson feel about that?
I would say pick your battles.

Hungrydragon · 13/10/2011 18:23

That's true, we regularly suffer from "bitchin' out" in this house, my poor old girl leaves the room as soon as she hears World in Union, as she knows her strenuous afternoon of napping will otherwise be interrupted by loud shouty people Smile

youllbewaiting · 14/10/2011 08:15

He could have said don't bottle out.

Or would this open the breast against bottle debate?

grovel · 14/10/2011 10:28

youllbewaiting
Smile

minimisschief · 14/10/2011 10:31

Agree with squeakytoy

he simply told your child to not cry when they get tackled. get over it jesus. Your child probably hears language like that from their peers/use it themselves on a daily basis

and i can guarantee not one of them uses these words in any gender discriminate way.

Shakey1500 · 14/10/2011 10:47

I'm staggered at this thread.

If you complain, the consequences will far outweigh your, imo, overboard outrage. These coaches are students, volunteering to teach an extremely worthy sport. A sport, in fact, which has one of the highest level of respectability seen.

If you make a complaint they will probably feel obliged to launch an "official enquiry", coaching will probably be suspended whilst said enquiry is being done. The coach will lose his position/be suspended/similar. Fellow rugby players WILL find out what has happened and GS will be ridiculed.

So yes, YAB completely U. For his sake, NOT for a cause, leave it be as there is nothing to be outraged about.

ElaineReese · 14/10/2011 11:06

A better analogy with race would be telling them to 'play the white man', which hasn't been gone all that long really.

Anyway. I'd just tell your GS you're not keen on that phrase, and then let it go.

MIFLAW · 14/10/2011 11:11

I've already posted to say that, as a man, I agree that it is not on for a man in a position where he is likely to be idolised by 11-y-o boys to use sexist language with them; but that complaining about an isolated incident is probably counter-productive.

However.

I am the father of two girls of (nearly) 4 and (nearly) 1. I would love to think that, in 10 or 15 years' time, when they start looking for boyfriends, they will have the choice of dating boys/men who do not, in one breath, say that they love/respect my daughters; and then, in the next breath, refer to women as bitches, imply that women and girls are weaker or less competent than men, or otherwise show an explicit lack of respect for my daughters simply because they have vaginas (or "cunts" - extremely derogatory word implying strong dislike) rather than penises (or "dicks" - mildly derogatory word implying that something is not to be taken seriously).

I know that this is only a dream - but is it actually unreasonable?

Because, if not, then what this rugby coach is doing is obviously not reasonable and is worth being angry about, whether or not it gets reported.

TootAndCommon · 14/10/2011 11:13

Standing ovation to MIFLAW.

DidYouSmashHerShireHorses · 14/10/2011 11:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page