to think perhaps working mothers should have priority when it comes to nursery places??

[SJaneS]

My OH has a new job starting the end of next month - its a big role and more money (good news!) but a long commute which means during the working week we won't see much of him. Currently he does the drop off and pick up from our childminder three days a week and our 3 year old daughter is in the local nursery the other two days.

I don't drive and will have to do the childminder drop off and pick up which will involve a two hour journey for three days a week (its in the next village and we have an infrequent bus and train service). We live in a village where everyone is relatively well off and the majority of the other local mothers I know have been able financially to choose to stay at home. I completely respect that and if we were in a different position then I'd prefer to be bringing up our daughter. As it is I work a five day week.

We have one nursery and one childminder in the village. Nursery places are allocated on a first come first served basis so completely democratically. The only other local working mother I know has an equally complicated juggle to source and get to good childcare. There are no spare days at the local nursery and many of the children there come from homes where the mother isn't out to work.

I fully believe that each child has the right to good nursery provision. I know that looking after a child/children full time is bl$$dy hard work and women need and deserve a respite. On the other hand in the current situation part of me does feel that working mothers should be given some form of priority when it comes to nursery places. Is that very wrong??!

I do nearly 1.5 hours each way commute including dropping of dd. It what you have to do sometimes.

Meant to add, I think this is a problem to do with a lack of discussion/agreement between you and your dh, than a problem with nursery policy.

OP, I hear you when you say you've tried to learn to drive. Really, I do. But you are going to have to make that fourth attempt. Because this is only the beginning - what are you going to do when your DC are at school and have various after-school activites, parties and so on?

Driving is an important life skill, and a vital one if you live in a rural area. Otherwise, you're going to have to move to somewhere with better public transport links.

YABU. You have a difficult juggling act to do. That's no-one else's responsibility to alleviate, including them having to wait on a waiting list longer than you. We're not talking about SN here so you should get organised, get on the waiting list earlier or stop whinging.

Do you know the driving thing upsets me. Especially when people infer you are letting your children down if you don't.

Why is it deemed ok to have a go at someone who cannot drive? I can't drive and odds are 99.9% I won't unless I'm very lucky. Even my own parents don't know the reason why, so I tell people when they ask that had lessons and couldn't do it it.

If driving is such an important life skill I must be superwoman to have got this far without doing it

But a lot of your situation is down to where you chose to live. We chose to live on a frequent bus route as I couldn't drive at the time, as we knew that would make life much easier for me and DC. We rejected the lovely rural villages we looked at where transport was very difficult and services were few, because it didn't meet our needs.

So while I recognise the difficulty it creates for you, you did choose where you live and the pros and cons that come with this.

Hungry it depends on where you live surely?

I live in rural wales, I have kids at distant (SN- so closest available) schools. Lack of buses means without a car available I could not get to aprent meetings, be able to collect them if sick or snow day (taxis don't run in snow and ds1 can go sick several times a term which would cost I worked out around £500 per term where he is!)

Therefore, not only do I drive but we find the cost of a second car. Rurally it is saved over taxis for shops / activities / appointments etc

However my eyesight deteriorates each year and one day I won't be able to drive, at which point either we move or accept the isolation it will bring.

In a city it would be far less problematic.

Yeah I have to say it seems a bit self-defeating to live in a small village with no public transport if you can't drive.

I live in quite a rural area but I considered the transport options before hand, I would never move anywhere where I knew I'd have to depend on someone else.

Peachy, I am a little overly sensitive about it, I dislike having to validate myself solely on this one thing to strangers. So feel a bit for the op. I got lambasted by another poster once when I admitted I didn't drive, she basically accused me as some sort of leech on society....not sure she realised you have to pay to use public transport bless her

Agree with the posters who say location is your fundamental problem here. I'd love to live somewhere rural for the kids' quality of life, but we just can't consider it because of the problems it would cause for our jobs/travel to and from. I guess it explains why most of your neighbours are well off - you have to be in order to make it work. Not fair but so it goes. Move, become a CM or blow a ton of money on a nanny?

YABU to suggest such a system or priority, but YANBU to be frustrated with trying to organise childcare and a difficult commute to work. We are in a similar position so I know how you feel. However, there have been some excellent suggestions of lifting sharing and the possibility of you being a Cm yourself.

As for driving, I finally passed my test this year. I cannot begin to tell you how nervous I was, and how I truely felt like the worlds worst driver. It really felt like the most unatural thing in the world to me. So, if it is something you might consider trying again, do not give up hope. I truefully believe the right instructor is the key.

As for posters saying 'move house', have you seen the state of the property market? OP's DC will be walking to school alone by the time they bought and sold! What a flippant remark to make.

YANBU. It would be much better for the economy (in the short-term at least) if nursery places were given to working parents first.

Around here (not rural, commuter-belt to London), only families with a parent at home can really make use of the playgroups and preschools because of the limited hours they offer. The provision is totally geared towards stay-at-home parents. Loads of mornings-only groups and pre-schools, but only day nurseries and childminders as options for those who work.

Also, lots of stay-at-home parents do NOT have additional issues that might mean they are more in need of childcare or help with early years education than working parents. Lots are well, have time in the day etc. etc. and still get better (and cheaper, given that more playgroups and preschools offer the EYFS funding) provision of early education and childcare than working parents. That's all very nice, but it doesn't help working parents or the economy!

Hungry those posters are everywhere LMAO- only people who pay for anything is them, right?
Ignore them. Apparently i get my college free, my home free, a free car.... if only! DH could stop the 18 hour days then LOL, and we would not have a constant run of last-leg cars. Silliness and lack of exposure to real world.

This is not just a rural issue. It was the same where we lived in London and is the same in the commuter-belt. It's the basic assumption by the local authorities providing childcare / education that mums will stay at home.

Dozer are all aprents at home in the day non working then? Must tell that to DH next time does a run of night shifts.

thanks for all your comments both positive and negative ladies! There are some good points here. Where I was coming from is completely rooted in feeling really fed up about the current situation. I'm not saying that giving working mothers (or fathers booyoo!) priority is workable or right from a socialisation and educational point of view but just comes from a pretty frustrated black and white place of who has to have childcare to financially function and keep the roof over their head? The overall answer is obviously that wholescale investment is needed in the childcare system so all parents, working or not have the childcare they need. But thats not going to happen anytime soon, certainly not in time for me!

Living in a rural area is especially difficult for women and yes while I do appreciate its a choice thing to move to the middle of nowhere, most people I know have done it for their children to grow up in a great environment with a good school (any big city dwellers will appreciate how difficult it is to get both!!). Whats tends to be the sacrifice is by and large one of the parents careers and typically more often than not its the womans. I'm lucky to work locally but there isn't much of the way of well paid employment (particularly part time) or childcare (good or bad) for women who would really like to have a working option. Its a complete waste of skill and talent but rant over!

I should I know give driving another go - it does terrify the bejesus out of me though and the roads are probably a safer place without me on them judging by my previous efforts! Thanks for the taxi suggestion - its £10 each way (so £40 a day) so unfortunately not workable. The car share is a good idea - not sure how the child car seat bit would work but worth at least looking into.

And for anyone who's commented that the root of this seems to be how I feel about the OH's new job - absolutely! He's really happy about it and professionally I can objectively see its a great role but from a family and my point of view it means our daugher won't see him during the week and I'm going to have to do a lot more juggling around my work that'll won't please my boss. But I've not said an outright no as I'm trying to be supportive and I guess in the long run when our daughter goes to school problem solved in terms of commuting to the childminder. I also agree with the commentator said of her commute that you've got to do what you've got to do - totally! Giving up work isn't an option unfortunately (and believe me I would 100% rather have spent the last three years with my daugher than at work) or going part time even with the additional income we'll have (after travel costs much of this will be swallowed up).

Life's fun at times isn't it?!

YANBU. I think working parents/parents with special reasons, should have a priority for places over non-working/"kid needs to socialise" parents. But I guess if the nursery is a private business, then the can come up with whatever entry criteria the like.

Our kindergarten, provided by the LA+the church, (but we still pay fees according to income), has a list of entry criteria: 1) single, working parents, 2) working parents, 3) local (from the village or not), 4) age of child (the older your child, the more likely you are to get a place.)

I guess this is fair. (I'd prefer they add a priority for kids with siblings at the kindergarten too. )

That said, I live in a village and having a license to drive is sometimes invaluable. (Last week my DS2 suddenly became ill, and I had to do a dash to the doctor, I made it 15 min. before they closed, with the bus I simply wouldn't have made it.) Don't give up trying to get a license, sometimes it takes a while, but it's so handy once you have it.

Peachy, never suggested that, I mean families with one person not working, not working from home or shifts or whatever.

OP someone upthread suggested you becoming a childminder, I dont know if you missed that post

That is exactly what I was going to suggest too.

Something to consider?

But it shows how complex it is no?

After all why couldn't DH (this was when I was ayt uni) take him to a preschool and sleep later.

This is it: everyone's situation is different and IME very few SAHMs use nursery care unless there is a lack of play schools / pre schools anyway. So chances are anyone choosing to use a nursery does so for a reason. Are the nurseries supposed to stand there ranking reasons?

Mrs P can get her Dh to do it and she's studying not working so not actually bring taxes to the economy so she should go behind mrs D who is in work FT but mrs F has a dependent mother who needs hospital visits three times a week so where should she go oh bugger mrs H who was at bottom's son has been referred to SLT and the Psych wants him in a nursery so Mrs T who is at college will have to drop off and....

I managed a waiting list like that for the charity, for service access, it was shite and evebtually the charity fell apart.

(Apols for contant use of Mrs, asomeone rightly said can be dad and or Ms, dr etc etc etc)

so why did you become a child minder - well it was because I couldn't pass my driving test and couldn't get my dc to the childminder int he next village I realised their was a lack of childminders here

so not due to liking children then

OP, don't give up on the driving, I know people who have failed 5 times and eventually passed and become confident drivers. I started driving again this year after 15 years of not driving, had some refresher lessons, but and am still not amazing, but it's becoming normal.

I am another one who can't drive op and I know I never will. Scares the life out of me and I have problems with a bloody bike let alone a car!
My not driving means I do live walkable distance from most amenities. This means we are in a much smaller house than if we were 'out of town'.
As for the nursery thing - up to age 3 I do sympathise with you but feel your plan unrealistic.
I am not working at present and would love to be able to afford to send my toddler to nursery so I could tidy up my shitty house properly!

YABU

I'm sorry I think you are being ridicolous. People have all kinds of reasons for using a nursery.

If you are going to prioritise then prehaps those with health and social issues should be top. For example a mother with severe postnatal depression maybe unfit to look after a toddler. Or having a young child in nursery 3 mornings a week might facilitiate breastfeeding. People don't normally pay lots of money for something that they don't need.

I have lost my job and I need to have my daughter in nursery so that I can apply for jobs. My daughter is happy and settled in her nursery and it would be distruptive to move her.