AIBU to want to smash the laptop over his head? I'm so angry!!!

[NewShooz]

DH popped out to the shops this morning and left his facebook page open on his messages page. I noticed there was a conversation on there between him and a girl he used to work with, in which they had both put 'love and miss you xxx' to each other at the bottom.

So, yes you've guessed it, Me being the idiot I am decided to read the whole conversation and wish I bloody hadn't! I have NEVER checked his emails or phone before by the way, I completely trusted him and had no reason or interest enough to do it.

Anyway, he was basically coming on to her, asking to see pictures of her boobs, saying that he would go up and spend the night with her but 'don't tell newshooz lol' And also said he wasn't getting enough sex from me.

AIBU to be so angry and upset by this? We ended up having a row, well more like me shouting at him, and he said nothing has happened and that he was just messing about but he can understand why it looks bad. He's now gone out and I'm sat here wandering wtf has just happened!!!

i would defo insist on access to all emails/texts/calls etc. And if he said no then say that was it for me. i understand privacy and trust but he needs to earn thos back. If it was me that's the way i would feel.

I probably would not end it, but he would need to know the seriousness and be very sorry, rather than all this 'i was only messing around' bullshit.

Poor you.He cant even admit hes in the wrong and has gone out to think up some excuses.Of course this isnt ok and you and he knows it.
Even if he hasnt phyically cheated he wanted to and that wont change just because he's been caught out.
I found about a thousand calls to the ow's number and exh did the same,ranted about me not trusting him and made excuses,i chose to believe him cos the alternative was too painfull to contemplate with 4 kids one very new. The truth came out a few months later and i got rid.That was 7 yrs ago.Was hard but better than staying with someone i no longer knew.

scaredbear good advice

He's 34 (Sorry forgot who asked that now).
I made him give me his phone, and asked who everyone was on there that I didn't know. She isn't on there and he hasn't got msn. I know his password to facebook, so if he changes it then I will be asking why, and demanding to check. To be fair he has never had a problem with giving me his phone if I want to borrow it, and he always forgets to log out of facebook, so he is either very careless, has nothing (else) to hide or deletes everything straight away
I'm not sure what is going to happen now. I just needed him to leave me alone for a while.
Like a silly cow I'm missing him already. This is fucking horrible.

Bledkr you have hit the nail on the head I was in similar situation.

Try and stay angry anduse it to make him understand how wrong this was. Just the sheer invasion and humiliation of saying to someone that he doesn't get enough sex, or asking for boob shots would be enough for me to rethink how i felt about DP. Let alone the 'love you' 'miss you' part.

You can use this to fix things which may not have been working for YOU and teach him a valuable lesson about trust and how to communicate issues (if he genuinely feels he wants more sex etc) with you.

He was probably getting a vicarious thrill. But when you are in a relationship there are things you give up that you did when single. And you use that energy to make an effort with your wife.

If he wanted more sex did he try thingslike buy you saucy undies etc? If not why not? Why just tell a girl from work?

i feel sad and angry for you - i hope you get what YOU want out of this.

You can't miss him be strong have you got his mobile phone bills if so check them or the next 1 which arrives in post keep, check he did go 2 see his dad earlier, check his credit card bills, does he stay away from home? have you checked his facebook? check his computer what has he been on any dating sites? what does he do for a job? I went through his shredings in his office and found receipts, New if i was you i would check everything for peace of mind have you contacted this woman and asked her? do you open his post? mine wouldn't let me when I started OMG he even had Viagra delivered to the house and me the fukwit was handing it to him and I didn't know!!!

Nothing on his phone, no number for her or texts or calls in the call log either. I checked his facebook and it was just that one conversation, which took place on Friday night whilst I was out.

He hasn't got a credit card (we only have the one joint bank account between us) and no, he never stays away from home, so he hasn't gone there for the night, and if it were going to happen then he would have had to come up with a bloody good excuse to be away.

I haven't contacted her, no. DH says all the lads at work are like it with her, so she sounds like a silly girl lapping up the attention from immature blokes.

I could open his post, but don't. He opens everything infront of me. He is never secretive about anything, as I said before he'll pass over the laptop and then apologise for not logging out of facebook etc And sometimes he'll ask me to check his emails if I'm on the laptop, So I think it's a one off, although that doesn't make it any easier as I still don't know what was being said face to face at work.

For those who asked, we did used to be a lot more sexually active before DD came along, and he does make jokes about it sometimes, like when he buys condoms he'll say that they will last us a year. I used to laugh and tell him to bugger off. I didn't think he was THAT pissed off about it!

Ok just keep ur ears & eyes open, he needs to know he has crossed the line and you both need to talk but also he needs to apologise to you, don't let him make it your fault re sex etc. Don't make it easy for him he is in the wrong no matter what you decide!!!

Thanks Sand x

Good luck New if you need me private message me and we can talk, I'll be thinking about you xx

he is your best friend ?

is this how best friends treat each other ?

I think it's natural that you miss him. But be careful. He doesn't sound like he's that sorry and I don't think men who aren't sorry change.

new you dont miss him,you are hurt and frightened and unsure about the future and he would normally be the person you share your fears with.You must try to find someone to talk to other than him.
I am more annoyed that he has pissed off and allowed you to stew than face up to you and discuss it,what a coward.
You do not have to end things and make big life changing decisions but you do need to address this and he needs to realise its not acceptable in order for you to move on.
Do not become the woman who never feels good enough for her dh and nervously wait for him to do it again,stand up to him,show him you will not tolerate this and make him realise you deserve far far more.
HE IS IN THE WRONG

Bloody hell - he's really not facing up to how much he has hurt & betrayed you has he? He's acting like he's done nothing wrong & you are over reacting (he HAS and YOU HAVEN'T).

He is not your best friend (if he is you need new friends).

Yellow is right.

You are starting to make excuses for him and you are starting to blame her - that is a slipperly slope. Of course you miss him - you'd miss a rash too if you suddenly didn't have it, it doesn't mean it was a good thing to have but seriously, you are missing him - you are missing what you though was 'normal' - it doesn't mean that what you had was what you thought you had though.

If I wanted him to stay (to talk or for me to carry on shouting (as you had a right to!!)) and he walked out - I would have told him that if he walked out he could stay out - permanently. He is acting like a proper prat right now and if he is this blase about it, you can put money on the fact that it's more than a bit of banter.

He could have deleted her off of the phone earlier.

She could be 'Fred'

She could be 'Mike - work mobile'

You have NO idea.

She wasn't lapping it up though, was she.

She wasn't really responding at all.

He was scoping out a shag.

He's a scumbag, and a liar, and an arrogant prick who even now can't simply apologise for doing something so UTTERLY out of order. Because apparently he thinks it isn't actually that important.

Trust, fidelity, honour (not discussing you and your wife's sex life with a total stranger) - these things aren't important to him. There you have it, right out of the horse's mouth.

PS: Her not really joining in, 'LOL' but not telling him to piss off = probably quite immature woman who didn't know how to handle the situation, bit flattered, bit eurgh, almost definitely actually thinks he's a bit of a slimebag, especially as she presumably knows he has a baby daughter.

Yuck.

Oh yes, and hotfooting it out of the house = deleting anything incriminating like billyo!!

chipping in I think he is aware of how serious it is but has fucked off to think of a good excuse/way to blame his wife,classic avoidance.
new the way you handle this will set the president for the rest of your marriage.

Agree with every word of shouty hamsters last post.

She wasn't "lapping it up". At best she was barely tolerating and certainly not responding to the imature advances of a man she has to work with. At worst they are having a relationship and she knows better than to leave incriminating evidence all over facebook chat.

You need to get an itemised bill and go through it with a fine tooth comb. That will tell you everything you need to know.

I don't think from what has gone on anybody can say it has gone further.

Yes he works with her but it does not mean that he has slept with her, it is easy for the bravado to come out when you are only talking on the internet via IM or message.

I don't think it has gone further, if it had he would have been secrative as it was he wasn't he made no attempt to ensure he had signed out of FB, why? because for him it is an ego boost.

It isn't right no way, but to ask him to leave for a few days? That to me is overdoing it.

If it was more than it is he would have had her number, been texting her. He hasn't even got her number on his phone.

yes I admit, I shouldn't have said she was 'lapping it up', that was me just being angry and lashing out at her as well as him.

He text me late afternoon to see if he could pop back to get some things and say goodnight to DD and then he would stay the night at his Mum's to give me some space, which I said was ok.

He is still insisting it was just a joke, nothing happened and it never would etc etc and he loves me so much blah blah blah We decided we would sit and talk after DD went to bed, but unfortunatley it didn't last long!!! He let it slip that the last time they spoke prior to this conversation on Friday, was when she emailed him at work to find out if we had a nice hioliday. So then I kind of lost it a bit when I found out that they have been emailing each other whilst he's at work.

I really don't know what to do, I need to either give myself a good kick up the arse, accept and believe that it was just 'messing about' or tell him to piss off and throw away 15 years of being together over this...