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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to smash the laptop over his head? I'm so angry!!!

348 replies

NewShooz · 09/10/2011 12:11

DH popped out to the shops this morning and left his facebook page open on his messages page. I noticed there was a conversation on there between him and a girl he used to work with, in which they had both put 'love and miss you xxx' to each other at the bottom.

So, yes you've guessed it, Me being the idiot I am decided to read the whole conversation and wish I bloody hadn't! I have NEVER checked his emails or phone before by the way, I completely trusted him and had no reason or interest enough to do it.

Anyway, he was basically coming on to her, asking to see pictures of her boobs, saying that he would go up and spend the night with her but 'don't tell newshooz lol' And also said he wasn't getting enough sex from me.

AIBU to be so angry and upset by this? We ended up having a row, well more like me shouting at him, and he said nothing has happened and that he was just messing about but he can understand why it looks bad. He's now gone out and I'm sat here wandering wtf has just happened!!!

OP posts:
HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 09/10/2011 12:49

I think we were misunderstanding each other then, dogs. I wasn't suggesting that they had necessarily been intimate yet - just that this was not the first time he had contacted her. That this is an ongoing thing.

catgirl1976 · 09/10/2011 12:50

Good for you sand - glad you are happy! :)

DogsBeastFiend · 09/10/2011 12:51

A misunderstanding indeed, Hecate and on my part. :)

We agree after all! :o

ThePosieParker · 09/10/2011 12:52

I would make, at the very least, sleep elsewhere for a few nights.

sand12 · 09/10/2011 12:52

New please please please do not leave the house send him to his friends he has done wrong and you have children, if you leave u might not get back in the house take it from me I know I chucked him out he attacked me then I changed the locks.

Original poster
NewShooz · 09/10/2011 12:53

They have been friends on facebook since starting work together, and I think they have had chats since she left work. I've never had a problem with it though, didn't think I had any cause for worry.
What a mug I am.

OP posts:
ShroudOfHamsters · 09/10/2011 12:54

You need some distance from him and a bit of time to think this through.

I would ask him to leave for a couple of days. Firstly for the above; secondly because it sounds as if he really, really doesn't understand what he's done here. Or rather, it's more likely he understands only too well but is desperately going to try and bluster it all off - 'oh I was only messing.' So make it clear, now, no matter what you finally decide, that it ain't messing - not at all. It's serious. He can get the fuck out while you think what you want to do.

Then I would give yourself a bit of time and think what you want to do. I know what I'd do - he'd be history. But you might think differently. Whatever happens - remember that:

  1. This is cheating. Don't let him minimise it. What it is, what it means, is what YOU decide it means. He's done this TO YOU. He doesn't get to decide how serious or bad it is - YOU DO!
  1. Don't for a minute let yourself be talked into this being a wee blip/messing around/not serious/would never have done anything. Quite frankly, from that exchange, I'd bet my hat that they've already been up to stuff. He's asking for photos of her boobs? (classy lad btw) - I would bet my bum they've had face-to-face conversations and probably more that has paved the way for this.
  1. Good friend, good Dad - no, he isn't. You thought he was. 'Best friends' don't cheat on their partners, good dads don't risk their childrens' happiness by playing away. Judge him on what you see, not what you want to be the case. It's painful, but don't try and minimise it yourself because it's easier now. Whatever the truth is, it's less painful in the long run to face it now.

Good luck, I really feel for you.

sand12 · 09/10/2011 12:54

Thanks cat x

Original poster
NewShooz · 09/10/2011 12:54

Sand, I'm definitely not leaving the house, no way.

OP posts:
TheOriginalFAB · 09/10/2011 12:56

I suggest you pront everything off that he has sent to her, you never know when you might need it.

DogsBeastFiend · 09/10/2011 12:56

I hate to be the portender of doom here but under these circumstances isn't telling a DH to feck off and go stay somewhere else like giving him an excuse/reason to stay with the woman concerned?

Catslikehats · 09/10/2011 12:57

I think the suggestion that you stay with a cheating low life because you might not able to afford the material items he provides is one of the most depressing things I have ever read.

Men who behave like this are not good fathers. they jeopordise the health and well being of the mother of their child. There is nothing decent about that.

OP you are not in the slightest bit unreasonable for feeling the way you do. I would be distraught. As someone else said this doesn't look bad, it is bad.

What do you want to do now?

sand12 · 09/10/2011 12:58

Shroud you are so right fantastic advice.

Catslikehats · 09/10/2011 12:58

My mind is still boggling at the suggestion one should put up with being disrespected and humiliated in exchange for a roof over her head and the odd holiday.

OP you are worth so much more than that.

Lifeissweet · 09/10/2011 12:59

Dogs - I'm not sure that really matters. If he does that, then he's making the decision for the OP isn't he? If he is serious that it's just messing about then he needs to go somewhere else to think about what he's done.

MeMySonAndI · 09/10/2011 13:00

Shooz, most people will come here and ask you to kick him off but they are not living our life.

You have to decide what you want and you have to decide what that is without external pressure.

You want to save the marriage despite of this? It is ok and reasonable, it would take some hard work on both sides exploring why things come to this and also will require a lot of patience, maybe some sessions at Relate, and a huge amount of forgiving. Things are never going to be the same but you both can come out of this with a stronger marriage.

I think in this situations you need to be practical, and as dogs said, decide whether you want to take yourself and your children in the rollercoaster of separate parenting before you jump onto this ride. But take your time, this is a difficult decision that should not be taken in the spur of the moment.

If after careful consideration, your decision is to leave, by all means woman, leave, but leave when the time is right for YOU and YOUR CHILDREN, not to teach your h a lesson.

And... in a more practical note, it may work both ways but, if you want to fight for your marriage when there is another woman involved and she is available and interested, the worst thing you can do is to kick your h out of the house. So don't. (give him a hard time though)

Original poster
NewShooz · 09/10/2011 13:00

Hamsters, you have some good advice.

The thing that really pissed me off too, was that it was HIM making all the remarks about photos and meeting up etc She didn't flirt back or anything, she was just 'lol' at him so maybe she thought he was joking too.

But, I have been good friends with guys I work with and if they said stuff like that to me, my reply would be 'wtf are you on about????' so like people have said before they are obviously that comfortable with each other that that sort of chat is the norm between them?

OP posts:
Blacksquirrel · 09/10/2011 13:01

What was the friend replying when your DH was saying these things? Laughing it off or saying much the same back?

Blacksquirrel · 09/10/2011 13:01

x posted

ChippingIn · 09/10/2011 13:01

NewShooz :(

Bastard Angry

Was the 'going out' planned or did he storm out in a huff?

I can see what DBF is saying, but I couldn't do it myself. I would put money on this not being the first time they've spoken like that and I wouldn't bet against them not having been together in the past. I would be having a very very good look at his emails, facebook, phone etc and see whether this is a one off fuck off or if it's happened before.

He needs to realise how much he has betrayed you and learn from this, not try to sweep it under the carpet in a 'it was just a laugh' kind of way. There is nothing funny about this at all and he may find it was, in fact, a fast way to end a 10 year relationship. Total prick.

stepawayfromtheecclescakes · 09/10/2011 13:03

get him to delete his facebook account, it is not a necessary part of your joint life unless its open to you both to use. take a few days out to think but ultimately work out if you can forgive this and what it will take to feel like a couple again after what is in fact a betrayal even if it has not reached the physical part. He needs to know how hurt you are and if you both want to stay together there is a lot of talking to be done to rebuild trust, and the starting point for me would be no more bloody facebook! root of all evil IMO

sand12 · 09/10/2011 13:03

original yes that is a good suggestion I kept a dairy and mobile phone records and then credit card bills I'm afraid 2 say if that is the road New takes the more evidence the better.

New do you know where he has gone?

Original poster
NewShooz · 09/10/2011 13:04

I really don't KNOW what I want to do tbh. I'm hurt, angry and fucking pissed off and can't help but wander what would have happened (or was going to happen in the future) if she lived nearer.
He has come back home now, but we haven't spoken. I don't even know what the fuck to say to him. Sorry for all the swearing.

OP posts:
Lifeissweet · 09/10/2011 13:05

That has worried me a little more, NewShooz. Normally, men do these sorts of things for the feedback and the positive ego boosting. If she wasn't playing the game but sort of laughing back, then it was coming from him. OK, she wasn't discouraging it as such, but she wasn't joining in, which makes me wonder what he was playing at.

Even if you can accept that he was kidding about in a harmless but flirty manner, can you really forgive (or explain) him discussing your sex life with her? Why would he do that if not to make himself out to be available?

I would still be furious and I think you have every right to be.

Original poster
NewShooz · 09/10/2011 13:06

No, he said he would go and meet his Dad and give me some space. I did tell him he should stay here and let me shout at more but he didn't.

OP posts:
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