AIBU to want to smash the laptop over his head? I'm so angry!!!

[NewShooz]

DH popped out to the shops this morning and left his facebook page open on his messages page. I noticed there was a conversation on there between him and a girl he used to work with, in which they had both put 'love and miss you xxx' to each other at the bottom.

So, yes you've guessed it, Me being the idiot I am decided to read the whole conversation and wish I bloody hadn't! I have NEVER checked his emails or phone before by the way, I completely trusted him and had no reason or interest enough to do it.

Anyway, he was basically coming on to her, asking to see pictures of her boobs, saying that he would go up and spend the night with her but 'don't tell newshooz lol' And also said he wasn't getting enough sex from me.

AIBU to be so angry and upset by this? We ended up having a row, well more like me shouting at him, and he said nothing has happened and that he was just messing about but he can understand why it looks bad. He's now gone out and I'm sat here wandering wtf has just happened!!!

Applause for soh
Its so true what you say,avoiding inevitable pain and hurt by convincing yourself he's telling the truth,we have all done that.

In the long run tho the voice in your head cant be silenced,can you really live like that?

It's a very hard time in a relationship, and even those of us who feel totally sure that our DH's wouldn't do that to us, you never know. Many of my best friends have been through this, and although it hasn't happened to me, I've got my eyes open.
You need to talk to him, and at least nothing has happened yet. Perhaps you should go to Relate and seek some open conversations about where you are right now, sort of like a marriage MOT.
It seems to me that YANBU. And what a tacky way for you to have to find out. But perhaps it's best you did find out, and now you can try to do something about it, rather than continue blindly and not realise that it was going on, and be horribly shocked in a year when you find out he acted on his impulses.
Good luck.

I would add to your list of things to ask

Why is he now being so rude and insulting your intelligence by saying he didn't write things that you saw with your own eyes. Or is he now calling you the liar?

Why are you breaking his heart? What the fuck does he think reading all of the shit he has written to another woman outside of your marriage has done to your heart?

Does he really think she is worth your marriage and being a weekend father if that is the path you decide to go down?

Since you posted on here everything seems to be about how you have over reacted and how upset he is. Have I missed where he is sorry that his pregnant wife is devastated about what she has found out? Or is it really about him just getting his feet back under the dinner table and duvet, sweeping it all under the carpet.

Can you get a few sessions with relate or third party?

As always, brilliant posts by Hamsters with excellent lead-in/back-up by AF and Chipping.

Not much to add except that having read the entire thread you still sound like you're looking to be convinced that you were overreacting to his little "joke", and you're desperate to believe that nothing really happened with this girl or any other girl.

Just be warned that thinking like that is dangerous territory. Remember that he is the one in the wrong 100% and you are the one who deserves a full explanation, apology, and frankly he should be grovelling to you to forgive him and take him back.

Please stay strong and insist that you get that explanation and apology. Any other option is no option -- he's out the door, end of.

If he can't realise that he's done you wrong and hurt you and that he's 100% responsible for that and for making it up to you, then I'm afraid you can't trust him anymore.

If you can't trust him anymore, what does that mean for your marriage?

Do you really want to spend every day for the next 20-30-40 years wondering and checking up on him and half-believing him and not trusting him?

He needs to find a way to make you really trust him again. If he can't do that, then I think you know where you stand.

Hopefully he sees the light and becomes the man you always thought he was.

Good luck with it and be strong. You and your DD deserve a better outcome than a douchebag H and father spluttering about silly mistakes and overreactions.

Just thought I would give you all an update seeing as you all have helped me with your comments.

DH came round this evening for a chat with his tail firmly between his legs. We have had a good chat. He has accepted how much he has hurt me, and how he would feel if it was the other way round. He even admitted that both his parents have been in tears over this, worrying about the two of us, and he feels a complete arsehole for hurting us all.

I think it has finally got through to him now, just how disrespectful he has been to me, and how many people he has hurt by being stupid, but I DO believe nothing has happened physically, and that he never actually wanted it to, he was just being a complete immature and drunk prick (his words as well as mine).

I'm not saying that I am immediatley going to jump in to bed with him again, but he has said it has been a huge kick up the arse for him to grown up, and has made him realise where his priorities lie, (not that he should need a reminder) and what a fool he has been risking our relationship over a bit of stupid flirting with a mate from work that was never going to go anywhere.

We both have realised though, that we need to start focussing on each other again, and spend more time chatting, and actually doing things together again, rather than one of us watching tele and the other on the laptop all night, hardly speaking to each other.

Fingers crossed we can move on now!

I hope you can too

Don't focus on him too much though, will you ?

He is the one that should be putting more effort in...you have done nothing wrong

In the wise words of a much-missed poster...the person who starts to detach from a relationship in this way is the one who is not giving enough not the one who isn't getting enough from it

Wishing you well. Communication is key and I'm glad you are able to talk about it openly and that he has begun to understand how it has made you feel.

No I definitely won't!

He accepts that he has to build the trust back up again and proove to me that myself and DD are the only ones that count. I don't need to go out of my way to proove anything to him IMO (Apart from the spending more time with other as explained above)

Thanks Verlaine x I'm off to bed now. Tomorrow is a new day, and hopefully a much happier one. He has taken a few days 'emergency leave' so that we can all have some time together.

Where is he staying tonight? I hope at his parents.

It's good to read that you accept you don't need to go out of your way to prove anything... remember that!

Good Luck
x

NS, it sounds like your H has had a bit of a reality check. I'm glad that this has shaken him, but this is only because you've made him see that this wasn't an over-reaction on your part. Well done you. He needed to see the hurt he'd caused and he needed to grow up sharpish and start honouring his marriage vows.

I hope he's agreed to sever contact with this friend. He can't maintain it because he's already crossed the line.

I wish you well. As you say, today is a new day and hopefully a new start. I hope you can start smiling again.

Following on from what Moth has said, he needs to have no more contact with this woman as a consequence of his ridiculous behaviour and hurting you all.

Really glad he has fallen into line. Sounds like he has had a proper fright - glad his parents took it seriously and sided with you too. Good luck. :)

AF....she is well and truly missed.

All the best for the future NewShooz

I am sorry NewShooz, but I cant help thinking that your husband has behaved like a seedy twat. She is 19, a youngster, he is in his 30s, with a senior position in the workplace. When others have been messing about asking to see her tits, he has joined in, rather than being responsible and asking to show her some respect.

Your husband really needs a reality check. She could easily bring a sexual harassment case against him. And she will have a written record, and public, of him both asking to see her tits, and saying he might have to come up and see her. He has been incredibly stupid. Management would take a really dim view of his conduct.
If I were him, I would look for a new job before she returns in December. This is a bomb ticking waiting to go off. I hope you both realize this.

I take it she is a student who will be back for work during her holiday? She may be dreading it. It may be her only source of some extra income to fund her studies. AND she has to deal with a horney git in the workplace. She honestly does not deserve this. She may have felt obliged to talk to him in order to keep her job open. I know I am hypothesizing a fair bit here, but you can imagine the scenario yourself. I really feal sorry for her. And you.

I think you have dealt with it all well, best of luck for your future together.

I hope you have a great future together good luck with pregnancy but keep an eye on him and make him pay for a while!

Quint - the 'show us your boobs' comment was said to her when he was on facebook, not the work email, but I appreciate what you are saying. He has 3 interviews this week, so hopefully he will leave there soon. She can't wait to get back to work from the looks of her emails to him. She also says 'Miss you' to him, and to 'make sure no-one else gets her job whilst she's away'

He's not actually her boss. They both run different departments but also work together now and again. But it's still very inappropriate to talk to people like that, I totally agree.

moth - Yes he's deleted and blocked her from facebook. He hasn't got her mobile number (although she has his). I have told him if she contacts him through his work email or phone then I want to read it straight away and we will decide together what/if to reply. I don't think she needs to know what has gone on, it's none of her business, but she is probably going to ask why he has deleted her from facebook.

He has requested an itemised phone bill to show me there has been no phone contact, and is desperatley trying to reassure me nothing physical went on. As well as looking for a new job.

I'm not saying it's going to be easy. I tried to have a sleep this afternoon, and couldn't because their conversation was re-playing over in my head. He knows he has to be patient with me.

Sand - I'm not pregnant. I think a pp earlier in the thread referred to someone else's situation, and they happened to be pregnant...But I'm not. Thanks for your good wishes though x And everyone else too x

Best of luck :)

I hope things work out the way you want them to.

YANBU. he's on a slippery slope and if he's not cheated yet, he will. As another poster said, DO NOT let him turn this around on you. He's defensive because he know's he's done something wrong. I would ask him to move out until he's figured out what he wants.
Cheeky sod.

Sorry NS for that mistake good luck x