AIBU to want to smash the laptop over his head? I'm so angry!!!

[NewShooz]

DH popped out to the shops this morning and left his facebook page open on his messages page. I noticed there was a conversation on there between him and a girl he used to work with, in which they had both put 'love and miss you xxx' to each other at the bottom.

So, yes you've guessed it, Me being the idiot I am decided to read the whole conversation and wish I bloody hadn't! I have NEVER checked his emails or phone before by the way, I completely trusted him and had no reason or interest enough to do it.

Anyway, he was basically coming on to her, asking to see pictures of her boobs, saying that he would go up and spend the night with her but 'don't tell newshooz lol' And also said he wasn't getting enough sex from me.

AIBU to be so angry and upset by this? We ended up having a row, well more like me shouting at him, and he said nothing has happened and that he was just messing about but he can understand why it looks bad. He's now gone out and I'm sat here wandering wtf has just happened!!!

Don't say anything.

Rather a frosty silence than something said in haste. Work out what you want, what you want him to do and what most benefits you and the children before speaking of the subject again.

If need be, tell him that you're not discussing it until you've had time to decide what, if anything, you want from your marriage now.

Print not pront.

Of course you don't, you are still in shock. Take our time to decide what you want to do, it doesn't have to be today.

I would raise about things and give him the could shoulder until I calm down/the children are in bed... and then... god protects him!

"your time" not "our time"

but it's ok to take our time too

He knows he is in the wrong and can't face up to it at the moment, its like when you were a kid and got caught in a lie, the hardest bit was admitting in and making amends, most of us would bluster and try to turn the blame at first to distract from the 'crime' be angry as long as you need to bear, swear and rant, expect a bit back before the emotional storm subsides a little then think about the rational discussion on which to base decisions, you can decide nothing at the moment its too raw. although I think I would be hacking into his account, phone etc I'm afraid just for evidence to base my rants on and ultimately find out if this was a one off.

I would be digging deeper, the trust has gone

His phone, everything.

He doesn't even care enough about the fact you found out he's been cheating on you to stay and deal with your upset.

He doesn't give a fuck.

Of course, by leaving the house to give you space, he has also given himself the chance to delete anything incriminating.

Don't do anything just yet. Like kick him out.

You need time to think and that is hard to do when your feelings are raw, shocked and all over the place.

What you need is a two point plan.

1. Hope for the best

2. Prepare for the worst

For the second point you need to tell the part of you that "feels" to stick to their task, which the hope one.

With you "think" head on, you need an appointment with a solicitor/legal advisor NOT to start divorce proceedings (run from any that appear to want to push you into that) and get a "hypothetical divcore audit", so you have an idea of what you can reasonable expect in terms of child support, division of assets etc were you to end the relationship.

Then you need to find put what benefits you would be entitled to.

Anything that would impeed leaving needs to be addressed with a plan B. Working, childcare, any other lifestyle issues that tie you a life with your husband. For example You don't need to run put and get a job today, but updating your CV and checking out the options interms of childcare and availble jobs is worth the effort involved.

Do not get cuaght in an "I can't eat the elephant on my plate" trap.

One day, one small bite, start with the ones that involve nothing more "chewy" than making an appointment. So your role is a passive, listening and learning one rather than active and doing. IE going to see a solicitor.

You will be OK love, one way or another, the shock and the pain will wear off and leave you ready to face either restitching your relashionship with a new thread, or cutting it loose.

And there are hundreds of women here who will listen, offer a shoulder, pick you up when you are on your knees, play devils advocate so you can be sure that what you think and feel match, and care.

You are not as alone as you believe yourself to be.

Give yourself time to work put what you want ot do, and use that time to make sure that when you decide, you are in a good place to begin whatever you have decided.

If I could reach through the screen and give you a bit fat hug, I would. I'm so sorry he has done this, and I absolutly understand how very much it hurts.

Exactly, Shecutoff. He is doing exactly what Stepaway says. He's behaving like a child caught out, not like an adult in a relationship who is supposed to provide emotional support to his partner. He should be on his fucking knees providing reassurance and begging for forgiveness, not shrugging it all off.

Can you check his phone now he may of used it when he left to contact her check everything u can, be strong.

He's been a dick, and I bet he's only too aware of that. If he's ready to admit that he's been a dick and is genuinely sorry, then don't do anything hasty. Have been through something similar with my DH and we're still together, stronger than ever, 5 years down the line. Take your time, and let him know that it will take time and a lot of making up from him. xxx

For me, emotional cheating is just as bad, if not worse than physical cheating. In an ideal world I would say that I would kick him out and it would be the end. But if I was actually in this situation I honestly don't know what I would do.

You need to take some time to think about how much this affects your relationship. You need to make him sit down and talk to you honestly about why he did it. Then you need to decide if you will ever be able to get over it and move on or if it will be a constant 3rd element in your marriage.

My best friend's exh cheated on her while she as pregnant. She told nobody and decided to forgive him and move on. Two years later he left while she was pg with their 2nd child. Now when she looks back she realises that she was never truly happy during those 2 years and the cheating was like a thrid person in their home.

You have to do what is best for you. Good luck.

I would also not be allowing him to minimise it. I don't know what your boundaries are, but I would say that even if it was just a bit of banter that he didn't mean seriously I would still take that as a betrayal of enormous proportions. If it was any more than that it would be even worse. What he is trying to minimise it to is already too much to immediately shrug off, so he can't be allowed to try.

'You need to take some time to think about how much this affects your relationship. You need to make him sit down and talk to you honestly about why he did it. Then you need to decide if you will ever be able to get over it and move on or if it will be a constant 3rd element in your marriage. ' spot on cothermuckingFunt

As well as kicking him out, which I would do in your position, I wonder whether it would be worth adding to the thread, making it clear to this woman that you know what a shit your DH has been, and inviting her to help herself if that's what she looks for in a man.

I think everybody above has given you fantastic advice so I don't have anything to add other than I hope you are ok. This happened to me with XDP so I know how awful you must be feeling right now.
Sending you a very unmumsnetty hug.

Thank you so much everyone.

He started a conversation with asking what I wanted him to do, so I gave him this thread to read. He still thinks I'm over reacting and said nothings happened and it never would.

I asked why she wasn't shocked at him saying those things to her, and is that normal conversation between the two of them and he admitted for the last few months they have spoken like that at work before she left, but nothing physical happened, no cheeky gropes etc

I told him to delete her off facebook, to which he asked 'why?' so I then lost it and shouted that I can't believe he could even ask why?!! He has deleted and blocked her anyway.

He has gone to his Mum's now, because we are just going to spend the day with me shouting at him otherwise which isn't nice for DD.

Just feel like shit now

New You have done the right thing I would of hit him with my frying pan if he had said why!!! to me, you do not feel like shit you feel angry it is his fault he is in the wrong, I once asked my ex if he was having an affair I ended up apologising 2 him and guess what I found out later he'd had several!! whilst we were married for 10 years can I ask how old he his?

He asked 'why', he really doesn't see what he has done as wrong does he If he isn't getting enough sex from you (and what is his definition of not enough ) the person he needs to be discussing that with is you! He is not going to get more sex from you talking to someone else is he!!! Bloody idiot.

Just because he as deleted her off facebook does not mean they are not in contact via text, phone, msn etc.

Take your time. Decide what you want to do. Don't compromise because you feel you owe it to try, that doesn't work you will spend more time upset.

Good luck.

I think he definitely fancies her, but it is possible that he just sees it as a bit of a joke and never had any intention of anything real actually happening.

I don't know what I would do if I were you though. I think I would want to give the benefit of the doubt, but the implicit trust that I think is so important in a relationship would be gone....

You are clearly an open book, someone who confronted him as soon as you found out and showed him this thread. He isnt you, he isnt an open book. Hes deceitful and trying to play it down. Its a shame you didnt hold back a little and seen how far he would have taken it, now he knows u know he'll just find a way of being more sneaky. He can easily unblock her from facebook and send her a msg any time he wants. I'd be checking all his fb msgs, emails and his mobile bill and see exactly who hes been texting. If I didnt have access to them, I'd insist he shows me to prove his innocence. If he refuses and tries to turn it round on you then u know hes hiding something, if he says fair enough and shows u them all and there is nothing incriminating then I'd tell him to go look in to his daughters eyes and ask himself was it really worth breaking your heart over and hope that hes had a huge wake up call and wont do anything like it again.
I would feel completely betrayed.

So he thinks it's fine to slag you off to someone who is a stranger to you?

Guess he's not your best friend after all.

Sympathies Shooz - i have just walked out on the father of my child for being a lying scumbag. Once i knew he could lie i could never trust him again and that broke my heart. I thought he was a better man than he turned out to be.

Hate to say it but if this was the first time he had had this kind of online chat he would have been a lot more cautious about logging out and hiding it. That sort of carelessness would make me think it is not a new thing.