'The boobs comment - Apparently some guy first said this to her at work and she thought it was funny, so apparently it ended up being a bit of a normal joke for the guys to sometimes say this to her.'
- Do you believe that? I mean, is that how it came across in the email? Because I would think that that would be a pretty obvious distinction - that kind of a joke, and the same said in a serious/flirting/actually on the brink of harassing! way. Read the email again and see if you can honestly say that it reads as a joke. Surely it would have to be something like:
'I suppose all that's left to say before i sign off is - 'Can I see your boobs?!' HA/LOL' etc.
From your first post, I find it hard to see how that excuse could work unless the email itself bears it out. Check it.
His excuse here stands out as one of the only (probably the only) thing you can now check out. All else is beyond checking, for the simple reason that if there has been more to this, and they're involved in some way, he will have contacted her last night and told her that you know, and all incriminating messages etc. will have been deleted. I urge you, as others have, to get hold of phone bills for the last few months, and check them out. There would be no point in contacting her now - she will either be a. completely innocent, and thus bewildered/uninformative/sorry you got the wrong idea etc. or b. guilty and warned, thus exactly the same response.
'He still thinks I am over reacting, and being over sensitive, although he does admit he has been stupid, and that to read some of it, it really doesn't look good at all, so he can understand why I was angry/upset. He just keeps saying that it was a mess about, joke etc and he is really sorry I got hurt and to please not end our marriage over it.'
The above requires some serious sorting out. I can see that you are ready to work on things, so I add a disclaimer to my advice - at this juncture, if faced with the above, I wouldn't be. He'd be out, as much for carrying that attitude towards marriage/fidelity/loyalty as anything else. If my husband responded in that utterly blind, stupid, superficial way to a situation like this of his making, I would have nothing further to say to him. You do - so I offer a few suggestions and I really hope they help, because like so many others here I am gobsmacked that he can't even seem to see what a bomb he's let off inside your marriage.
- I suggest you ask him why he has no loyalty to you and his family. His instant answer will be 'But I do! It was a silly mistake blah...' - This is where you cut him straight off. No. No, you say, if this is the only level you can engage with me at, save your breath and start packing. That is not an answer which is possible now. It is established that you have no loyalty to me, the question I need to explore is why. It is established because I now know that you think it is ok to speak to another woman the way you did. You think it's ok to speak about our sex life to someone I don't know, and to sneer at it - to sneer at the intimacies of our relationship, with someone I don't know. You think it's ok to flirt.
You did all these things, so you have no loyalty - I know that now. Loyalty isn't something you switch on and off, and that day you just forgot to switch it on. It's just there. You either think it's ok to disrespect me and our relationship in public, or you don't. You either honour and protect the terms of our relationship, or you don't. And now I know that you don't. It doesn't matter one jot whether you snogged/fucked this woman or anything else on that score - you may technically have not been physically unfaithful to me, but your disloyalty isn't in question.
- You also wish to ask him why he does not respect you, your marriage, your family. Same terms, same explanation as above. Physical unfaithfulness is only one aspect of all this. One of the things you now know from this situation is that he has no respect for you. So again - why?
You could say that you want him to go away and think of the answers to those questions. Is it something that counselling would help with? Tell him to think carefully and answer wisely - because making the mistake of thinking that these issues can be smoothed over with 'It was a joke' is a very, very stupid thing to do.
If he continues to try and bluster through it, ask him - 'If you had discovered that I had been emailing a man I worked with, that you didn't know, telling him that our sex life was disappointing, that I wanted to come and see him, asking to see his cock - would you then be able, hand on heart, to say that you had a wife who loved, respected and was loyal to you?'
Finally. I would suggest that you return to the question of you 'overreacting'. Does he really think this? Because if he does - what he has to understand is that what he is doing is setting out new terms for your entire marriage. You had thought that it was mutually understood that neither of you should flirt, have sex chat with other people, expose the intimate details of your relationship and sex life to other people. You now see that not only has he done this... but, worse still, he seems to be saying that it's actually ok. That it can be passed off as 'only a joke.' That you are overreacting to be out of your mind with anger that your husband engages like this with other women. In other words - your marriage should at some level allow for this kind of behaviour.
Ask him to go away, and think on the repercussions of that. Because if it's ok for him - it's ok for you. That in a year's time, when you have a guy giving you the eye at work... it's fine for you to lead him on for a laugh. It's fine for you to make a few near the knuckle jokes about your husband's cock size, just to get a laugh with him. Would he like that? Would he be ok with it? Does he want that kind of marriage? It's a moot point, of course, because you don't, and therefore if he persists in telling you that you're overreacting, if he persists in not seeing the way he is currently spitting all over what his marriage vows are supposed to mean, then you can't see that pair of you overcoming this. So it's worth him thinking about, really thinking about what his attitude means here - and coming back to you on it. Along with the stuff about loyalty and respect.
I hope that might help...