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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to smash the laptop over his head? I'm so angry!!!

348 replies

NewShooz · 09/10/2011 12:11

DH popped out to the shops this morning and left his facebook page open on his messages page. I noticed there was a conversation on there between him and a girl he used to work with, in which they had both put 'love and miss you xxx' to each other at the bottom.

So, yes you've guessed it, Me being the idiot I am decided to read the whole conversation and wish I bloody hadn't! I have NEVER checked his emails or phone before by the way, I completely trusted him and had no reason or interest enough to do it.

Anyway, he was basically coming on to her, asking to see pictures of her boobs, saying that he would go up and spend the night with her but 'don't tell newshooz lol' And also said he wasn't getting enough sex from me.

AIBU to be so angry and upset by this? We ended up having a row, well more like me shouting at him, and he said nothing has happened and that he was just messing about but he can understand why it looks bad. He's now gone out and I'm sat here wandering wtf has just happened!!!

OP posts:
Dozer · 09/10/2011 12:33

Bin him.

Original poster
NewShooz · 09/10/2011 12:34

Yes I do depend on him. He works full time and I am a SAHM. We would have to sell the house for starters, although I wouldn't stay together just because of that.

we also have one DD just under 2 years old

OP posts:
Lifeissweet · 09/10/2011 12:35

Ask him how he would feel if you told some man that he was crap in bed and you wanted a picture of his cock. I bet he wouldn't think that was 'messing around'.

I am angry for you and I'm so sorry you're going through this.

sand12 · 09/10/2011 12:36

New whilst he is out check all his facebook messages etc and check his emails check his laptop see if you can find anything else this might not be the 1st time sorry 2 say that.

I'm sorry about your mum x

DogsBeastFiend · 09/10/2011 12:36

Of course it's not a joke, cats. I know several women who have made that decision and for them it has worked very well. One in particular for example - nice 4/5 bed detached house, annual hols to the Bahamas and US, child idolised by her DH, woman doesn't work and hasn't for many years, DH pays for everything... she's gpt far too much to lose, there's no way she's going to walk out/throw her DH despite knowing that he's been having an affair for years.

I used to think her a fool. Ten years on and I realise that she ain't so daft after all.

Original poster
NewShooz · 09/10/2011 12:37

tallwivghoulies I did ask him how he would feel if I was asking a male friend the same things and he agreed he wouldn't like it.

But he again said he was just messing about, and it was just a joke. So I then shouted at him that I didn't find it very fucking funny!!! Angry

OP posts:
Lifeissweet · 09/10/2011 12:37

and it said 'love you'! Now I may over think that, but I take that word really seriously and I don't use it lightly. Maybe he does, but I could not accept my DP using that word with anyone else (apart from his Mum, maybe!)

Itsjustafleshwound · 09/10/2011 12:37

Doesn't it all just boil down to what sort of deal breaker this is for the OP? We all have our opinions of what we would do/did when/if the situation arose, but sometimes it isn't quite so cut and dried.

All I will say is don't do anything too hasty, take some time and get some distance ...

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 09/10/2011 12:37

Oh, I bet my last rolo this is not the first time.

Nobody opens communication with a request for boob pics, suggestions of sex and complaints of not getting it at home.

This is further down the line.

yellowraincoat · 09/10/2011 12:39

I know it's hard, he's your best friend and partner, but his reaction as well as the messages suggest he doesn't respect you. Why is he trying to tell you it's not that bad? It IS that bad.

DrGoogle · 09/10/2011 12:40

Are you serious DogsBeastFiend? I completely disagree with you, in fact I can't believe people actually think like that.

agedknees · 09/10/2011 12:40

I feel for you newshooz. Its not just the relationship between this woman and your dh, its the feeling of betrayal. That he could discuss your sex life with this woman!!!

Not sure I can add anything else. Have you got a close friend, sister etc you can talk this through with?

catgirl1976 · 09/10/2011 12:40

Wow.........for me that is pretty hard to imagine dog. Not judging - if it works for her fair play. But for me that would feel like selling myself. There is no way I could do it. I think I am worth a heck of a lot more than a house and a holiday. I think thats why I would never put myself in a position where I was dependent on a man but I can understand once you are it is very hard to leave, expecially with children involved.

And OP - please don't think I am commenting on you in anyway - you obviously love you H and I am sorry this has happened

DogsBeastFiend · 09/10/2011 12:41

Hmmm.. would agree with you Hecate but for one thing. IMHO most men in affairs tend to want to make the OW think that they have some sort of exclusivity and so most will tell the OW that they no longer sleep with the wife rather than that they aren't getting enough sex at home.

Itsjustafleshwound · 09/10/2011 12:41

I don't for a minute believe that it was an 'accident' either - nothing like the 'moral high ground' when your privacy has been 'invaded'

buzzskeleton · 09/10/2011 12:42

I reckon you should tell him to doss at a friend's for a few nights, see how he likes them apples. Maybe he'll take it seriously then.

What he's hoping for by storming off, is you'll be so grateful when he walks back in later in the day, that you'll brush it under the carpet and all will be forgotten.

mousesma · 09/10/2011 12:43

Your DH has behaved appallingly and I would be furious in your position too. I agree with itsjustafleshwound though and don't think you should make any major decisions just yet.

You need to give yourself time to work out how much of a dealbreaker this is for you.

Original poster
NewShooz · 09/10/2011 12:44

With regards to the 'Love you', he said it was more like a jokey 'love ya' if you can get what I mean reading that. I said to him 'That's what you fucking say to me!!!' and then I burst in to tears.

I really can't believe this...

I haven't got a sister, but yes have got close friends. I'm quite a private person though (unlike him it seems) so I don't want to talk to anyone yet until I've sorted my head out a bit.

OP posts:
catgirl1976 · 09/10/2011 12:45

You definatley need some distance and time new. Don't decide anythign yet, but either get away somewhere or pack him off to a mates whilst you sort it out. And you must talk to your friend x

DogsBeastFiend · 09/10/2011 12:45

DrGoogle, yes totally serious, that you disagree is fair enough, entirely down to you of course :) but yes, folk with this view and lifestyle do exist and having had years to take a good hard look at it from many angles I would do just as the wife I spoke of above does.

But, each to their own of course. I just wanted to alert the OP to the risks of carrying out any knee jerk throwing of husbands out when another approach might be far more in her (and her DCs) favour.

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 09/10/2011 12:46

I love you, Dogs, but I have to disagree with you. Grin You think that this is the first time they have spoken?

Hello girl I used to work with, Long time since we have spoken, isn't it? How is life? show me your boobs, and would you like to have sex with me because I don't get enough.

sorry, but I don't believe that. For that sort of suggestion to take place, there is normally - unless the OPs husband is a nutter - some build up. Some communication. Increased flirting, etc

sand12 · 09/10/2011 12:47

Cat I totally agree I had the hols, 5 bed, sports car I chucked him out, I now have a smaller home and nothing left at the end of the month but I can honestly say I'm SOOOOOOOO much happier now.

New I agree don't make 2 much of a quick decision but also keep your eyes & ears open check everything on his computer check his mobile he has all but cheated on you and he will try and turn it round on you.

I really feel for you i'm upset and wish I could help you keep strong x

DogsBeastFiend · 09/10/2011 12:48

Not the first time they've spoken, Hecate, but I don't think that the relationship is intimate yet though clearly it probably would have become so had the DH not been caught out.

ilovesooty · 09/10/2011 12:48

Doesn't it all just boil down to what sort of deal breaker this is for the OP? We all have our opinions of what we would do/did when/if the situation arose, but sometimes it isn't quite so cut and dried

Exactly, Itsjustafleshwound

Original poster
NewShooz · 09/10/2011 12:48

Yep just makes me wander what the hell he used to say to her when they worked together.
And in the meantime the least he could do is delete her from his facebook surely?

OP posts: