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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to smash the laptop over his head? I'm so angry!!!

348 replies

NewShooz · 09/10/2011 12:11

DH popped out to the shops this morning and left his facebook page open on his messages page. I noticed there was a conversation on there between him and a girl he used to work with, in which they had both put 'love and miss you xxx' to each other at the bottom.

So, yes you've guessed it, Me being the idiot I am decided to read the whole conversation and wish I bloody hadn't! I have NEVER checked his emails or phone before by the way, I completely trusted him and had no reason or interest enough to do it.

Anyway, he was basically coming on to her, asking to see pictures of her boobs, saying that he would go up and spend the night with her but 'don't tell newshooz lol' And also said he wasn't getting enough sex from me.

AIBU to be so angry and upset by this? We ended up having a row, well more like me shouting at him, and he said nothing has happened and that he was just messing about but he can understand why it looks bad. He's now gone out and I'm sat here wandering wtf has just happened!!!

OP posts:
AnyCorpseFucker · 09/10/2011 19:41

why do you need to kick yourself up, the arse ? Confused

you are not the one who deserves a kicking

Original poster
NewShooz · 09/10/2011 19:45

Second If I found out he had slept with her then that would be it between us, but after all this I do honestly believe that he hasn't. He just hasn't had the opportunity if you see what I mean. If he goes out, I know where he is, and I KNOW he is there, and it's very rare he goes out anyway.

But what I don't like is, I don't know what has been said beforehand, and what the work emails have said. I said to him that I bet any money she will email him at work to ask why she is blocked from his facebook, and he has told me he would ignore her if she did, which I can't believe at the moment.

He's told me he has booked the next couple of days off work, so I am going to make him log on to his work server when he comes round Tomorrow (he can do this from home) so that I can read his emails, and see if there are any back and forth to her.

God I sound like a woman possesed now Angry

OP posts:
Lifeissweet · 09/10/2011 19:46

Firstly, don't apologise for lashing out in her direction. She knows he's married and she's part of why you are hurting. You are very raw and you can be forgiven for almost any reaction you have right now.

You don't need to kick yourself up the arse either. You are hurt and you need him to acknowledge this and be up front with you about everything that has been going on. This is going to take time to work through and he needs to help you with it by trying to help you understand why he has done this to you and exactly how far it has gone.

You don't have to forgive him yet, or kick him out - just take some time for things to unfold and for it all to sink in.

Take care of yourself. You must be in all kinds of turmoil.

Original poster
NewShooz · 09/10/2011 19:48

Anycorpse I suppose I just meant I either need to shut up and get over it, or do something about it...but I just can't get my head around it all at the moment.

I just wandered if it all sounds a bit stupid/petty to be getting so annoyed and upset about, but clearly a lot of you think not.

Sorry for going on everyone but you are keeping me sane at the moment!!

OP posts:
RIZZ0 · 09/10/2011 19:52

"...so I am going to make him log on to his work server when he comes round Tomorrow (he can do this from home) so that I can read his emails, and see if there are any back and forth to her."

I should think that by tomorrow any emails will have been deleted TBH. He'd surely get rid of all such evidence in panic today.

YASNBU

TheOriginalFAB · 09/10/2011 19:52

Whatever you need to do is right for you and you don't need to apologise for venting on here. Just be careful you don't let him put anything on you.

DogsBeastFiend · 09/10/2011 19:55

I hate to say it but a good friend of mine, who has been having an affair for years, rarely stays out all night.

He does have lots of long lunch breaks, lots of "extended business meetings" and meets lots of hold-ups coming and going from the airport though, IYSWIM.

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 09/10/2011 19:56

Don't let him tell you "nothing happened"

Asking her to show him her breasts and making sexual suggestions to her and telling her he doesn't have 'enough' sex with you IS 'something'. To call that 'nothing' is wrong. Don't let him call it nothing.

AnyCorpseFucker · 09/10/2011 20:02

You vent away, my love

What he said is not "nothing"

It does mean something, no matter how he tries to tell you it didn't

it means disrespect of you pure and simple

TheSecondComing · 09/10/2011 20:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
NewShooz · 09/10/2011 20:11

That's what I am trying to get through to him Anycorpse, that it's disrespcetful to me, and humiliating as well. I don't think he has any idea of how much it hurt to read that.

He is at his Mum's Rizzo, so he can't log on to his work server from there, he hasn't a clue what the link/address is. Thing is I'm kind of dreading doing it incase I find more stupid emails. But it's something I've got to do. I just tried to do it myself, but I don't know his bloody password/log on address lol

I'm on the wine now, which probably isn't a great idea, but I figured it may help me sleep a little tonight. And for what it's worth, we DO have sex at least 1-2 a week which isn't THAT bad surely? (Admittedly it used to be more like 4-5 times a week)

OP posts:
TheOriginalFAB · 09/10/2011 20:13

If he really has nothing to hide and is sorry he will give you the passwords now...

VikingBlood · 09/10/2011 20:14

Married ten years and still having sex twice a week sounds pretty good to me!

stepawayfromtheecclescakes · 09/10/2011 20:16

you have a lot of thinking to do and only you can decide what to believe as you know him best and only you know how much you are able to forgive. I may be a sucker but I would try and get over a brief flirtation looking for cheap thrills if that's all it was, but I would insist that however painful for me and however shaming for him that he tell me absolutely everything as these things have a habit of drip feeding out into the world so you will find out eventually. he needs to work out if you are more important than some friendship with an ex work colleague who really should be thinking Hmm at a married man being so flirtatious its gone beyond just keeping in touch with someone you got on well with. Hard I know but try to bite back the anger until you have heard everything, get it all out in the open then give it to him

TheSecondComing · 09/10/2011 20:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MothInMyKecks · 09/10/2011 20:17

I second the idea for getting a call log from his mobile phone provider - or check through his phone bills if they're itemized to pick up unknown numbers. You have time, dates and duration's of all calls...

I wouldn't know what to do either OP, but I feel so sorry for you. It must be sickening. It's most definitely a trust-breaker and until he takes his actions very seriously, he won't take your hurt seriously either. If he cannot at least agree that he as betrayed his marriage vows, then I'd very much doubt that a reconciliation is possible.

If he sees that he's been unfaithful (and let's get that very straight here - he has been unfaithful - he has betrayed you by being on intimate terms with another woman and no amount of saying that it was a 'joke' is going to change that Sad), then you at least have a chance of sorting things out. Going through emails, FB, call logs is very hard and exhausting and altogether an unpleasant experience for anyone doing it.

Your DH needs to remember that trust is everything, but it doesn't come automatically. We take it for granted when it's there, but it leaves a bloody great big scar when it's gone.

stepawayfromtheecclescakes · 09/10/2011 20:19

If you have his laptop could you maybe contact her tell her you know whats been going on and suggest she tell you everything then 'fuck off to the far side of fuck and when she gets there fuck off some more' (unashamedly stolen from some other thread)

Original poster
NewShooz · 09/10/2011 20:20

Well I thought so Vikingblood!

That's the really annoying/confusing/stupid thing FAB, he really has nothing to hide as far as facebook, phone, home email etc
He has never once told me not to look at any of it. Plenty of times he has asked me to check his emails to see if something has come through if I happen to be on the laptop, so surely he wouldn't do if there was more to it?...

BUT...the work email could be a whole different ballgame couldn't it?!

Also he does do overtime, or text to say he is going to be late now and again, but she has left work now, and lives miles away so I have never worried.

OP posts:
stepawayfromtheecclescakes · 09/10/2011 20:21

password is likely to be your name or DD name, worth a try usernames are usually full name or initial then surname. try them all

AnyCorpseFucker · 09/10/2011 20:21

Stop taking any blame for not having sex as much as you used to

Real men will understand the reason why, not message work colleagues complaining about it and askin to see their tits Hmm

You shouldn't have to "get through to him" about how he has humiliated you...that is up to him

he should be abject in his apologies and beating himself up about it

it's not a "mistake" otherwise, is it ?

MothInMyKecks · 09/10/2011 20:23

left a bit off the end of what I was trying to say - sorry.

Going through emails, FB, call logs is very hard and exhausting and altogether an unpleasant experience for anyone doing it, but it's got to be done. You have to do it if you've any chance of finding out that he can be trusted in future. It's shite doing it, but do not be persuaded by anyone that you shouldn't. You should.

stepawayfromtheecclescakes · 09/10/2011 20:23

long shot I know but was this 'show me your tits' an in joke in the office? still distasteful but is possible

AnyCorpseFucker · 09/10/2011 20:23

he could have another mobile phone

he could have another email address

don't get shafted by naivety, OP

be open to any possibility

you have had a heads-up as to the sort of man you are married to

take note

MothInMyKecks · 09/10/2011 20:25

I wouldn't be doing any guessing for the password.

Phone him now and ask him for it.

Original poster
NewShooz · 09/10/2011 20:25

Stepaway I could easily find her on facebook and send her a message. I did think about that earlier actually, but then I thought...what do I say to her? - Oh I saw my husband was being a fucking immature disloyal twat the other night and practically coming on to you, so fuck off will you.

OP posts: