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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to smash the laptop over his head? I'm so angry!!!

348 replies

NewShooz · 09/10/2011 12:11

DH popped out to the shops this morning and left his facebook page open on his messages page. I noticed there was a conversation on there between him and a girl he used to work with, in which they had both put 'love and miss you xxx' to each other at the bottom.

So, yes you've guessed it, Me being the idiot I am decided to read the whole conversation and wish I bloody hadn't! I have NEVER checked his emails or phone before by the way, I completely trusted him and had no reason or interest enough to do it.

Anyway, he was basically coming on to her, asking to see pictures of her boobs, saying that he would go up and spend the night with her but 'don't tell newshooz lol' And also said he wasn't getting enough sex from me.

AIBU to be so angry and upset by this? We ended up having a row, well more like me shouting at him, and he said nothing has happened and that he was just messing about but he can understand why it looks bad. He's now gone out and I'm sat here wandering wtf has just happened!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
NewShooz · 10/10/2011 00:27

Thesecondcoming - who knows? I really don't understand anything that's going on in his head at the moment Sad

I'll update you all Tomorrow.

OP posts:
AnyCorpseFucker · 10/10/2011 00:28

good night and take care x

DEADTiredmumno1 · 10/10/2011 00:30

Op, i hope you manage to get your head in the right place, and figure out how best to handle this, sorry that you are having to deal with this crap, thinking of you, try and sleep, g'night.

melodyangel · 10/10/2011 00:32

Have tired to read though most of the thread and just wanted to say I'm thinking of you. You have had loads of good advice and I hope you can get some rest tonight.

My DH lied and cheated for the first five years of our relationship but we stayed together so yes it can be forgiven BUT not until he is completely honest and open with you. I found until he would listen to my hurt and answer my questions I could not heal. I had years of him saying don't talk about it upsets me, I can't remember, it was only a joke, all of that until one day he finally stopped thinking of himself and actually listened to me. Then and only then could I heal.

I hope you have discovered this at an early stage and there is no more to it but I fear, like others that might not be the case.

Please don't let him turn it round on to you it is his betrayal. You are throwing away nothing, he is. You are just reacting to the new situation you have found yourself in because of him.

Oh lovely my heart really does go out to you.

TheSecondComing · 10/10/2011 00:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyCorpseFucker · 10/10/2011 00:33

< waves back at tiredmummy >

TiredOfGoingRoundInCircles · 10/10/2011 06:45

newshooz - I haven't read the whole thread, just the first 5 pages. I so feel for you, I know exactly what you are going through :(

I was in a very similar situation to you around 7 years ago, I finally posted about it here the other day www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1315187-I-just-cant-decide-what-to-do

My H still does this kind of thing, he still doesn't 'get' how much hurt this causes.

I hope you managed to sleep OK, and I really hope you can sort it out. I recommend this book, it's seriously good and I'm not really one for reading this type of thing ! www.shirleyglass.com you can order it on Amazon.

Good Luck x

runningwilde · 10/10/2011 07:10

I agree he is in the wrong but she is also a cow for flirting with a married man, not the type of woman I like. But yes, he is being a total shit.

MothInMyKecks · 10/10/2011 07:13

I've been mulling this over for a little while OP.

What are your husbands motives when he says that 'he's going to have to come up and see her?'. I'd nail him to the wall if he were my H - that is even beyond an innocent flirtation. I have 2 male friends (1 married other single) that I'm in text contact with because they live hundreds of miles away (I don't do FB). If either of them made contact with me in that way, I'd go berserk.

There is a root to all this beyond "It's a joke". I don't buy it. He may not have been physical or intimate with her, but there is intent here. That's what worries me. How many men get away with unfaithful flirting on the back of "oh I'm just having a laugh" etc?

Hope you slept some. Strength for today.

Catslikehats · 10/10/2011 07:19

Running stop with the name calling eh?

There is no evidence this woman has recirpocated in anyway at all, and it is not helpful for the OP to be focussing on her when she needs to be focussing on the cause of her pain.

Original poster
NewShooz · 10/10/2011 07:23

Well it was hardly worth going to bed with the amount of sleep I got. Felt physically sick when I woke up this morning and realised it wasn't all a bad dream.

DD is still fast asleep so I have come downstairs and re-read the work emails between them. I'm pretty sure nothing has gone on between them, but why has he said to her in those email as well about going up to see her? And also he emailed her his mobile number. There's just no getting away from her now is there.

OP posts:
Original poster
NewShooz · 10/10/2011 07:26

Nothin - I'm going to ask him again today why he has now said twice that he 'might have to pop up and see her' Ther's no chance of him doing that fgs

And, If we manage to get through this, what the hell do I do in December when she comes back to work with him?

OP posts:
TiredOfGoingRoundInCircles · 10/10/2011 07:34

I've been thinking about this while crying in the having a bath. There's a definite line between what is and isn't appropriate conversation between friends of the opposite sex. In my opinion, your H has stepped over the line (as mine did). Judging from what you've said about his reaction, he is aware that he's stepped over the line. Would he have said that to her in real life? yes, probably, if he was with a group of friends, but I suggest not if he was in a room alone with her (like a FB conversation), unless he wanted to take it further.

NewShooz - you spoke about contacting this girl - maybe you should send her a link to this thread? I don't think she 'gets' how much pain is caused by her taking part in the conversation with your H.

TheQueen - I agree re the name calling, however, she's not daft, she must know that the conversation 'is over the line'. My H tried it on with someone I 'know' on the internet (through a jewellery group on ebay, I asked him to get me a bracelet she'd made for my Christmas present). She politely told him she wasn't interested, after she'd said that to him, he told me about it (probably worried what she would say to me because this was after my discovery of his internet EA). The girl in the OP's case has made a concious decision to stay with this conversation.

It takes 2 to tango

TiredOfGoingRoundInCircles · 10/10/2011 07:35

xposted NewShooz, sooooo feel for your situation :(

Catslikehats · 10/10/2011 07:46

tired in this case it looks very likely that the OP's husband is dancing alone.

Apart from a suspect use of the sign off "love you miss you" (and I use the word "suspect" cautiously - my ex nanny who is 21 speaks to everyone as if they are her one time lover, without sounding really old I think this is a "young" thing) the woman has ignored his comments about coming to visit and doesn't appear to have shown him her tits.

Newshooz is your DH senior to the "OW" in either in terms of postion at work or in time served/people known etc? It is entirely possible that she is in a very awkward position.

This may not exactly help Newshooz but may give you a better idea what you are dealing with: Affair v unreciprocated pervy behaviour

In any event whilst it may well take two to tango the only person in this equation that owes Newshooz anything is her partner. Blaming the OW is never helpful and doesn't actually deal with the issue in hand.

TiredOfGoingRoundInCircles · 10/10/2011 07:57

The Queen - not intending to blame OW and agree about the issues being with NewShooz partner :)
I think I'm trying to say that if she hadn't continued with the conversation, he wouldn't have persisted. Probably just me trying to lessen my own H's actions :(

TheOriginalFAB · 10/10/2011 08:27

She hasn't told him to stop with the "chat" but really she isn't the one who has broken vows to you. I would be tempted to ext her as if you know everything, including anything physical, and see what you get back.

ionysis · 10/10/2011 08:36

If I were you I would email her and say something like:

"I've accidentally come accross some correspondence between my husband and yourself. Whilst I appreciate that your responses have been entirely appropriate, his emails to you have certainly not been.

I acknowledge that this is not your issue but just wanted to make you aware that I have discussed his behaviour with him and expect him to alter the way in which he communicates with you in future. In fact, unless it is required for work I have requested that he does NOT in fact continue this correspondence. I am sure you will understand this given some of the comments which he has sent to you which have been extremely hurtful and damaging.

I would be very grateful for your understanding in this matter.

Regards

..."

When I found emails of this type I emailed the OW and she told me all sorts of interesting things my husband (then boyfriend) had been lying about. And vice versa. Fortunately she seemed like a very nice girl who was at least as hurt and confused as I was. I never regretted contacting her as it was hugely beneficial to establishing the truth and being able to move forward.

Original poster
NewShooz · 10/10/2011 09:10

Queen - No I don't think he is superior to her at work, I think they just worked together in the same team. She may even be in a different department, but sometimes they all help each other out if one is busier than the other.

I suppose I am just going to have to see what today brings.

As regards to contacting her, I think firstly I am going to continually check his work email until she gets in contact, and then I was thinking of making him email her back and tell her that I found the facebook conversation and I am extremely upset about it, so it's in the best of interest not to keep in contact anymore if he wants to save his marriage.

Surely she is either going to reply back with 'Oh shit, how much does she know?' OR how sorry she is that their friendship has caused problems. I agree it's him doing all the flirting, although she could just not email him back which is what I did when a friend of mine was getting too friendly.

OP posts:
Original poster
NewShooz · 10/10/2011 09:12

(when a male friend was trying to get too friendly with me I meant)

OP posts:
waterrat · 10/10/2011 09:27

good god, don't send her this thread - that is the worst idea I've ever heard! News I'm sure you wouldn't - have just read through your thread and you sound very sensible and I'm sure you will work out what is best for you. Stay distant as you can while working out what that is and what has gone wrong. I don't think you should contact her - what if she passes it round at her/ his work?

She is not the married one and she hasn't said anything inappropriate. If anything, his emails could be seen as harassment, you don't want her to panic and think she had better report it to make sure she doesn't look bad.

And please don't open up to her about your hurt/ emotional pain - she is an outsider, she is not inside your marriage. you don't need any contact with her. Deal with your partner - and put all responsibility on him.

If he simply stops emailing her she will vanish, so he is the one you need to focus on.

waterrat · 10/10/2011 09:28

I would say he shouldn't mention why he is stopping the emails either - keep your marriage issues to yourself. He just needs to stop contact - that's all.

Original poster
NewShooz · 10/10/2011 09:45

No I wouldn't send her this thread.

I'm now just thinking, that she MAY have already text him this morning to find out what's wrong, if she has noticed he isn't on her facebook anymore. Depends how long it takes her to notice I suppose. But if that is the case, then I'm never going to find out what has been said between them am I. (He emailed her his mobile number from his work mail)

OP posts:
sand12 · 10/10/2011 09:48

Morning New hope your ok I'm not sure if it's a good idea but you could email her pretending your him u may found somthing out that way.

I definately wouldn't send her this thread. You need to keep in your head He is the ONE who has done wrong, I think talking to him calmly in a couple of days he might tell you more but screaming and shouting at him won't. I know my ex also lied to his parents when it 1st came out and he carried on lying. You need a close friend and discuss it with them. I thought every1 thought my ex was great etc but when I told my friend about what was happening she said she didn't like my ex as she cud see how he treated me etc, I hope this helps x

sand12 · 10/10/2011 09:50

New why would he email her his mobile No. if it was just a joke! this stinks