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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to smash the laptop over his head? I'm so angry!!!

348 replies

NewShooz · 09/10/2011 12:11

DH popped out to the shops this morning and left his facebook page open on his messages page. I noticed there was a conversation on there between him and a girl he used to work with, in which they had both put 'love and miss you xxx' to each other at the bottom.

So, yes you've guessed it, Me being the idiot I am decided to read the whole conversation and wish I bloody hadn't! I have NEVER checked his emails or phone before by the way, I completely trusted him and had no reason or interest enough to do it.

Anyway, he was basically coming on to her, asking to see pictures of her boobs, saying that he would go up and spend the night with her but 'don't tell newshooz lol' And also said he wasn't getting enough sex from me.

AIBU to be so angry and upset by this? We ended up having a row, well more like me shouting at him, and he said nothing has happened and that he was just messing about but he can understand why it looks bad. He's now gone out and I'm sat here wandering wtf has just happened!!!

OP posts:
stepawayfromtheecclescakes · 10/10/2011 13:30

you won't move on unless you believe him and you do so the next stage has to be understanding his reason for his behaviour, bearing in mind how he would feel if roles were reversed. you will tie yourself in knots if you keep thinking 'what if she had been more interested' the fact is she wasn't, nothing happened, but he overstepped the mark and you need to know why he did this, what was going on in his brain to think this was ok and has he learned a lesson or will he do it again for attention or whatever his reason was in the first place.

stepawayfromtheecclescakes · 10/10/2011 13:32

YY to what Ionysis says that is what I was trying to say but not as well Smile

TiredOfGoingRoundInCircles · 10/10/2011 14:05

yes to what Ionysis said

QuintessentialDead · 10/10/2011 14:22

So the reason he has given for not really intending to go and see her is that he has no room to manouvre without you asking too many questions.... Sad

He really has been considering it hasn't he? And found that he cant. Not because he has any moral obligations, or any duty to you, but because questions would be asked and he might get found out.

Not good.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 10/10/2011 14:31

The reason he "doesn't understand" how much this hurt you, despite the evidence right in front of his eyes of his wife in tears, is because he is lying to himself about what has gone on.

He has clearly been pursuing this woman, but had given himself permission by pretending (to himself) that it was "just chat" and that "nothing happened".

You need to get him to acknowledge what he was doing. Until he can own up to what he has been up to with honesty, you are no further on.

I wouldn't let him home until we were on the same page about what he had done being a big deal, about my reaction being understandable, and about how truly sorry he was for being such a dick that he nearly put his family at risk.

He needs to see where this was going or he'll just do it again with someone else.

QuintessentialDead · 10/10/2011 14:37

I second that.

He possibly does not have the courage to admit to himself even, what he has been doing. He has his head in the sand, and wont confront himself.

He needs to take a very deep and uncomfortable look at himself.

MothInMyKecks · 10/10/2011 14:52

I 3rd that. It's important that he recognises this NS, or you'll be forever doubting. There are too many threads on MN involving anxious women - even those doubting their own sanity.

Original poster
NewShooz · 10/10/2011 15:28

Quintessential - No, sorry, I worded that wrong. I meant in MY mind even if he wanted to go and see her, he wouldn't have got away with it easily because it would be so out of character for him to spend a night away from home. He never has, apart from his bf stag do years ago.

I agree he still needs to see that he crossed a line here, joke or not, I ended up getting very hurt just because he was getting a confidence boost from making a younger girl laugh.

In his eyes, he thinks that, because he never did anything physical, never wanted to, and never would (his words not mine) that all should be fine and dandy straight away.

I'm not sure what else to say to him...I have calmed down and I do believe nothing physical has happened. I just wish he could see what an immature, thoughtless knobhead he was being, and realise how offensive and disloyal I found it.

OP posts:
Original poster
NewShooz · 10/10/2011 15:33

Shecutofftheirtails - That makes perfect sense. Maybe HE can't believe what he did either, and how dangerous it could have been, so it's easier to play it down and make out I'm the one being over sensitive?

I know he is ashamed and embarressed (spelling) because he was mortified when I told him I had started a thread on here for advice.

OP posts:
Xiaoxiong · 10/10/2011 15:40

Interesting that he seems more mortified that you publicised his dickishness to an anonymous internet forum than the fact that he was a dick to you in the first place.

Has he seen the thread itself? It might help him to see your reactions, blow by blow as it were, between the time that you found out and the present to really understand how upset you are, and why. (And the reaction of impartial total strangers on the internet.)

stepawayfromtheecclescakes · 10/10/2011 15:41

hmmm show him the thread?

stepawayfromtheecclescakes · 10/10/2011 15:41

X post

Original poster
NewShooz · 10/10/2011 15:43

He's read the first few pages, and then he went to his parents to give me some space. I've just been updating it since then, and we've been trying to talk it through.

OP posts:
Xiaoxiong · 10/10/2011 15:43

I meant to add, he thought it was appropriate to talk to a work colleague about how he wasn't getting enough sex from you before he brought it up with you, giving you no chance to talk about it.

However, he is mortified and embarrassed that you posted anonymously on an internet forum about his behaviour after you brought it up with him, gave him a chance to justify himself and he stormed off instead.

The difference is interesting...

Ormirian · 10/10/2011 15:45

"also said he wasn't getting enough sex from me."

That bit alone would be enough for me. Disloyal as well as creepy.

Original poster
NewShooz · 10/10/2011 15:45

Yes, I do think he needs to read the rest of it tbh. If only to read all of the responses (I think he's pretty clear about my thoughts by now)

OP posts:
WoeIsMeAgain · 10/10/2011 15:49

when a relationship breaks down, its very rarely the sole responsibility of one party when you dig a bit deeper

talk
talk
and then talk some more

there is no rush to sort it out, if it takes a long time, then let it take a long time. Personally it wouldnt be a deal breaker for me, the way you have laid it out, he just sounds slightly thick tbh

if you want to make it work, keep talking

Original poster
NewShooz · 10/10/2011 15:50

I know tyelperion!! I won't write my actual response to him, but lets just say I was fuming when he had the nerve to ask why the hell I was talking about it on here....bloody cheek

And as for the 'not enough sex' bit, he said he didn't write it. I'm sure I wasn't seeing things. And trouble is, now that he has blocked her from his facebook, the conversation has gone so I can't show him.

OP posts:
Xiaoxiong · 10/10/2011 15:51

Orm I agree. The rest of it I actually could probably laugh off as banter (I'm pretty laid back and have worked in a misogynistic workplace before, where this kind of thing was totally normal).

However, saying that he wasn't having enough sex with his wife is where the line is crossed, and the disloyalty is shown.

A good bird doesn't shit on its own nest, as my grandmother always says...

Original poster
NewShooz · 10/10/2011 15:52

Grin woeisme - I did ask him many times yesterday if he was 'fucking stupid' or something!!

I've never sworn so much in my life Blush

OP posts:
stepawayfromtheecclescakes · 10/10/2011 15:53

Ah Mn has taught you well Grin

Xiaoxiong · 10/10/2011 15:55

I also agree with Woe that you should keep talking, it sounds like there is a way forward here but he has to understand how you are feeling. And also address the fact that he feels like he isn't getting enough sex - if he is concerned enough about it to say that to her, he can jolly well say it to you and you can demonstrate to him how to listen, understand how someone else feels and discuss what you're going to do about it without getting defensive.

Original poster
NewShooz · 10/10/2011 16:01

It has been a bit of a running joke between us about not having enough sex. Or at least, as much as what we used to before DD. He makes jokes when buying condoms that they will last us about a year, but it's all been lighthearted, and we have always both laughed about it.

But yes obviously it IS an issue for him. So something else we need to discuss properly.

OP posts:
Original poster
NewShooz · 10/10/2011 16:02

Looks like we have some major communication issues to sort out!

OP posts:
AnyCorpseFucker · 10/10/2011 16:08

he is denying now what you saw with your on eyes ? (the not enough sex bit)

fucking not on

does he think you are making it up now ? he actually sounds worse than stupid, he sounds devious and manipulative

I could forgive stupidity...but not the other

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