AIBU to want to smash the laptop over his head? I'm so angry!!!

[NewShooz]

DH popped out to the shops this morning and left his facebook page open on his messages page. I noticed there was a conversation on there between him and a girl he used to work with, in which they had both put 'love and miss you xxx' to each other at the bottom.

So, yes you've guessed it, Me being the idiot I am decided to read the whole conversation and wish I bloody hadn't! I have NEVER checked his emails or phone before by the way, I completely trusted him and had no reason or interest enough to do it.

Anyway, he was basically coming on to her, asking to see pictures of her boobs, saying that he would go up and spend the night with her but 'don't tell newshooz lol' And also said he wasn't getting enough sex from me.

AIBU to be so angry and upset by this? We ended up having a row, well more like me shouting at him, and he said nothing has happened and that he was just messing about but he can understand why it looks bad. He's now gone out and I'm sat here wandering wtf has just happened!!!

Yep, that has also crossed my mind as well Sand, to email her myself , pretending to be him. I'm just so tired I can't think straight at the moment.

I'm guessing he is going to come round this morning. I don't think I have the energy to shout anymore anyway

Exactly. He emailed something along the lines of 'if you want a chat here's my mobile number'.
He really has been a complete twat. And that's being polite!!!

Still with you, NS. Take care x

He has been a t__t you have to think about urself talk 2 him calmly but i wouldn't do it 2day let him stew even though I know u will also want 2 find out asap what has gone on, how far away does she live?, my ex was seeing some1 300 miles away my ex went out to pick a pizza up 1 night and came back 2 hours ltr! I ltr found out she was in the area that weekend after speaking to her husband!.

You cud try 2 email her pretending to be him I wud guess he has already contacted her if somthing has gone on, if he hasn't I would guess he is telling u the truth he wud be embarrassed to tell her u know if nothing physical has happened.

Thanks anycorpse. I think I'm going to take DD round to the park now, get out of the house for an hour. I will update you all later.

Thanks again everyone, I really do appreciate having you all to rant to xx

Hello NS, I've just read the thread and I'm :( and for you.

Can anyone (his parents?) have DD for you in the next few days so you can shout your head off at him talk freely

Do not email her pretending to be him. At best it is decietful at worst it looks undignified, desperate and psycho.

What I don't understand is why the hell he isn't in floods of tears on his knees begging for forgiveness. If all that went on is that facebook conversation then it's possible he genuinely doesn't understand how serious it is or is just hoping if he burries his head in the sand for long enough it will all go away. He needs to acknowledge how bad it is before you can start repairing things.

Of course it's hard not to think that there's a lot more to it and he's trying to play it down to make you feel like you're overeacting, you're definitely not. You do really need to get to the bottom of it, going through phone bills sounds like a good idea, I'd be fuming at him sending her his mobile number.

If you do decide to try to save your marriage you could insist that he change jobs as part of the deal. If he's not prepared to bend over backwards to fix things then I think you're in real trouble. Maybe you could try writing him a letter explaining how he's made you feel, you'll be able to express yourself better if you've got time to think about exactly what you want to say. You might also find putting it in writing helps you work out what you want to happen next.

Sending big hugs (don't care if they're unmumsnetty), I hope one way or another you manage to move on from this and find happiness again.

What ionysis said. Please, please keep your dignity. You might not see it now but while your anger and misery is entirely appropriate, anything that involves deceit and pretence re contacting her is not! I would not contact her at all actually, this is between you and H.

NS, hope you can clear your head a little today.
Mind you keep eating properly and drinking fluids. You need strength and I'm terribly Mumsie when I want to be.
Thinking of you.

This is not good. If you are prepared to forgive him then you need to discuss what is wrong with your marriage and find ways of putting things right. Good luck - you have a difficult journey ahead. I hope you both work things out for the better.

There is not necessarily something "wrong with the marriage"

There is something wrong with him though

I feel for you.

However, how do you know that they did not have a physical affair before she moved? Maybe they both know what he means when he says "I might have to come and see you"....

And how do you know her work does not take her to your husbands site ever so often, like when he is working late, etc....

I am sorry, but I think you have to dig a bit deeper. Especially as his emails are so over familiar. Some nerve asking to see her boobs, if there was not already a certain level of intimacy.

then you need to discuss what is wrong with your marriage and find ways of putting things right. Good luck - you have a difficult journey ahead.

Lunatic, am not sure whether you mean for your post to come across so harshly, but I'm sure I'm in the majority who thinks that it's not OP who should be finding ways of putting things right.

MIss you and love you xxx what the hell?
I am so sorry but he is out of order here. That is outright flirting with intent asking to see boobs etc.
My friend had a similar problem a few weeks ago, her DP was texting a married woman he used to go out with, they were saying stuff like "What could have been..." He replied with stuff like "If I didnt have a family we would be together" She was heartbroken but forgave him and had strong words with the woman too. She said "If you ever contact my DP again I will tell your husband STRAIGHT AWAY" So other woman shitting herself. Deservedly.
It is emotionally cheating.

I dont think you should contact the OW at all. It is your husband who has been messing around on FB/email and it is him who has said some stupid (to say the least) things to this woman. Sounds like she hasnt reciprocated at all in the flirting process.

Also, I dont think you telling your H to stop speaking/texting/fbing will be any help to you in recovering from this. If you need to check his phone/computer etc then the issue is about trust and without that you are on slippery slope.

Once he comes round today to talk try to find out why he isnt as upset about hurting you as he should be.

Because he bloody should be beside himself and apologising profusely and telling you what he is going to do to make this better for you, not stomping off in a tantrum or running off to his parents.

I hope an hour at the park helps clear your head a bit.

He has just been round for another talk, and I managed to talk calmly this time instead of shouting!

The boobs comment - Apparently some guy first said this to her at work and she thought it was funny, so apparently it ended up being a bit of a normal joke for the guys to sometimes say this to her. He understands how inappropriate it was to say it, and how shit it must have been for me to read.

The coming to see her comments - He still can't really explain to me why he said that? But that he had no intentions of going what so ever. (he would never get away with it anyway, even if he did try, because he never stays away for a night so I would ask too many questions)

The giving her his number - They are just mates, and mates swap numbers some times blah blah blah To be fair, I did have to agree with him that he never hides his phone from me. He never goes in to another room to read a text or answer a call or anything.

No chance of him seeing her at work at the moment, as she has gone back to uni. I don't even know how old she is btw, but I said to him does he really expect me to feel comfortable about them working together when she is back in December, so he has agreed to get in touch with a few people this afternoon re new jobs.

He still thinks I am over reacting, and being over sensitive, although he does admit he has been stupid, and that to read some of it, it really doesn't look good at all, so he can understand why I was angry/upset. He just keeps saying that it was a mess about, joke etc and he is really sorry I got hurt and to please not end our marriage over it.

We still seem to be going round in circles at the moment. Maybe it's still too raw for me to try and sort out what I want to happen next, but a new job before she returns is going to have to happen. He has gone back to his parents to give me more time to think.

Gone back to uni? and he's 34? Jesus. Really for you NewShooz.

Is a new job really realistic in the current climate ?

If he has to move jobs because he can't be trusted to not make a prick of himself, it doesn't look too great for him

I hope he is suitably embarassed and mortified at himself and he needs to have a good think about what why he gives himself the right to belittle and minimise your reaction to his stupidity by saying you are over reacting and over sensitive

i know wellwisher, he's a complete knobhead isn't he?

as I said earlier sometimes people seek a bit of a thrill elsewhere just to prove they still have the ability to pull IYSWIM loads of my girly mates flirt outrageously on nights out but would never shag anyone else, they say they just like the feeling of someone still fancying them. as I said its not an excuse, just a possible reason, still think hes a knob though. you will know how much to believe as you know him best, you sound sensible and not as if you have doormat tattooed on your head, think carefully but as someone else said you will not be anywhere near ready to forgive until you feel sure that a) you have all the details and b) you believe that he is not going to have any further contact with her.

NS, present him with a complete reverse scenario. Be graphic about you texting and fb'ing a man - how would you H feel about you asking another man to see his knob? Sounds ludicrous and seedy to say it, but he needs to realise that he has no right whatsoever to play this down.

If it was my H, I wouldn't be able to move on if he consistently made me feel that I was blowing this all out of proportion. You're not. He's still not getting it.

I feel confident that I haven't over reacted after everyones' support on this thread, which I was worried about in the beginning.

Step - I DO believe nothing has happened physically, and I am trying to not think about why not, as in is that only because she is miles away/wouldn't be interested in him etc otherwise if I keep thinking about that then I really am not going to be able to move on am I.

Anycorpse - He is on a rubbish wage at the moment, so a new job would be good anyway, plus he hates his job. And I think I really do need him to do this, because I KNOW I will end up bringing her up in conversation over Christmas time and make a catty comment or two, if I have a hormonal day. I know that's crap of me, but I wouldn't be able to help myself.

Moth - you're right I still don't think he understands how much it hurt. I don't think he ever will unless I did that to him, and I never would.

Whilst I am not justifying his behaviour in ANY way it would be worth talking to him calmly about why he felt the pull to do this. I think we can all relate to sometimes feeling like "where did the person I used to be / life I used to have go" once we've been married for a while and have kids. Its inevitable that certain aspects of life, work, family become routine and stale and you can start to feel a little bit trapped or as if you have lost your "fun self".

Of course the answer to this isn't to go flirt with someone else it is to actually work on puting the fun and spontenaity back into your marriage. That is actually HARDER than a bit of flirty texting and inappropriate boob comments with an ex-colleague - it means you have to admit to some level of disatisfaction / boredom with the status quo - which involves a tough chat with your spouse, in which they can get hurt, resentful, feel blamed or at fault etc....

But of course in the long run it is better to say "you know what, I wish things could be a bit more like they were when we first got married, how about we spend a bit more time just the two of us / farm out the kids to the grandparents / go away for a weekend somewhere / visit that pub we always used to go to on a friday night before we were maried"... etc.

It sounds like your husband just took the wrong road to spice up his humdrum existence - the path of least resistance rather than actually adressing it together with you.

And I am sure YOU have probably felt that things were a bit in a rut with all the pressure of kids etc. This could be a great little wake up call that the two of you need to reconnect a bit, rediscover a bit of the old spark. He hasn;t actually cheated and whilst his actions are hurtful and distressing they are a wake up call for both of you.