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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want to smash the laptop over his head? I'm so angry!!!

348 replies

NewShooz · 09/10/2011 12:11

DH popped out to the shops this morning and left his facebook page open on his messages page. I noticed there was a conversation on there between him and a girl he used to work with, in which they had both put 'love and miss you xxx' to each other at the bottom.

So, yes you've guessed it, Me being the idiot I am decided to read the whole conversation and wish I bloody hadn't! I have NEVER checked his emails or phone before by the way, I completely trusted him and had no reason or interest enough to do it.

Anyway, he was basically coming on to her, asking to see pictures of her boobs, saying that he would go up and spend the night with her but 'don't tell newshooz lol' And also said he wasn't getting enough sex from me.

AIBU to be so angry and upset by this? We ended up having a row, well more like me shouting at him, and he said nothing has happened and that he was just messing about but he can understand why it looks bad. He's now gone out and I'm sat here wandering wtf has just happened!!!

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 09/10/2011 23:32

tbh you cant secon guess the female cllleague motives acf
only she and the dh know the motives,situation and context

AnyCorpseFucker · 09/10/2011 23:33

of course she is relaxed, NS

she is probably taking the piss out of him with her mates

that sad tool of a married father making a dick out of himself, hahaha

I have to say, if my husband did this i would get fucking shut of him because no one makes a fool out of me and gets away with it but that is me

truly, the only fool here is him...whether you still have any respect for him after this ridiculous episode is something for him to worry about...and you should make it quite plain this is where you are at

scottishmummy · 09/10/2011 23:34

who can supprt you ns?whos in your corner
how v dreadful to be in such turmoil

AnyCorpseFucker · 09/10/2011 23:34

true, sm, but I can take a good guess

and the only person who needs to answer for their actions here is the H

stepawayfromtheecclescakes · 09/10/2011 23:34

your DC is 34 deal with the current situation first and worry about Dec when you know for sure she really is coming back. If you get through this you will need very clear boundaries, dont cloud things with worrying about what ifs right now deal with what actually has happened and him telling the truth and being honest about why, and what his reasons were,

scottishmummy · 09/10/2011 23:37

acf youre making some huge assumptions and leaps about his work female colleagues motives and reactions. shes an unknown to you

given op doesnt know the whole deal i cant see how you can possibly surmise in such a way.its idle tittle tattle frankly

op needs a face to face discussion,read her dh nuances and reactions not some maybe this and that guessing on mn

Original poster

NewShooz · 09/10/2011 23:38

Anycorpse I think you are totally right. He IS the one to blame. She hasn't encouraged anything from what I have read, yeah she gives it all the 'I love you and Miss you' shit as well, but maybe that is just her writing style?

I would love to get shot of him, I'm soooooo angry right now, and incredibly upset, but we had something good, very good infact, before all this shit. And I can't imagine my life without him. We've been through so much together. (Not like this I might add, - me losing loved ones, and then being told we couldn't have kids etc) We were so strong, wtf went wrong...

This will teach me to read his emails eh?

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 09/10/2011 23:39

face to face meet with him
get all info
calm,objective and think what you want next

AnyCorpseFucker · 09/10/2011 23:42

Don't blame yourself, NS

if you hadn't read his emails you would still think he was a totally blameless good guy...knowledge is power

SM what are you saying...you suspect the OW is the predator here ?

stepawayfromtheecclescakes · 09/10/2011 23:44

you need to get the anger out then as scottishmummy says meet face to face, stay calm, get all the info. go away and think .... then decide, set out what you want, rules, changes, boundaries if you are staying with him, same if you are not. but be clear and calm, it will scare him more than if you scream and shout and he will be more likely to tell the truth. good luck, I am off to bed in a mo but will be back tomorrow. try and sleep DD will need you in the morning.

AnyCorpseFucker · 09/10/2011 23:44

SM Op had read all the conversatons between her H and this woman

she is likely to get a damned sight more truth from them
than from this snivelling weasel who ran to mummy at the first sign of trouble

if OP concedes she is not the instigator here, I believe her....don't you think she would have more invested in blaming her, not him ?

scottishmummy · 09/10/2011 23:45

im saying stop second guessing motives you dont know
stop supposing how the woman or her dp feel,behave or why
you dont know.simple as that
and no amount of humphyfaces or bet she thinks XYZ....will alter that

AnyCorpseFucker · 09/10/2011 23:48

stop telling me what to post, SM

if Op wishes to tell me to butt out, I will concur

but you ? don''t make me larf...

EightiesChick · 09/10/2011 23:48

I think the blame thing is debatable. I wouldn't chat like that with a married man if I was single so I think she is in the wrong, though the husband is more so. But importantly, OP, you may as well not bother with her because you can't expect her to do anything, you have no leverage there. Your husband is the one you have some influence over and whose behaviour you want to change. For that reason, focus on him.

AnyCorpseFucker · 09/10/2011 23:49

SM you are insulting the OP's intelligence here...did you realise that ?

scottishmummy · 09/10/2011 23:49

inevitability,mn posts can be stereotypical
kick him to kerb,etc

actually less confrontational but more pragmatic is
meet, remain calm
think carefully about what next
you dont need to rush or be rushed op.this is significant it takes until you feel composed and ready to decide

Original poster

NewShooz · 09/10/2011 23:57

I will Eighties. It would be so much easier if it was her, and I could just send her an email to tell her to fuck off away from my husband and stop trying to cause a rift between a family, but it isn't her...

Obviously I don't know what she was like face to face with him, maybe she is far too intelligent to answer anything with an equally naughty reply on facebook, just in case I ever found it? And maybe she is completely different when she sees him. That I will never know.

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 10/10/2011 00:08

sm - I'd put money on ACF being right, and either way, it's not up to you to tell her to stop doing anything.

NS - I'm really sorry to say this, but many of us thought we 'knew' our DP's/DH's wouldn't do that/didn't have the time/didn't have another phone/didn't have another email account or whatever - but they did. Please don't be closed to the idea that he could be doing those things.

Please stop blaming yourself for reading his emails/not giving him enough sex or anything else, he is the one who has betrayed you. This is 100% down to him.

You don't have to rush into anything, take some time to think about things - he can stay at his mothers. Has he told her why he's there? Have you spoken to her?

Keep your mind open to the fact that there may still be stuff you don't know about.

TheSecondComing · 10/10/2011 00:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

NewShooz · 10/10/2011 00:17

Chipping - Yes he's told his parents why he's there. He said they told him he was being a prat, and that you don't have conversations like that with other girls when you are married. They understand why I am feeling the way I am, but they believe he has never actually done anything.

Thesecondcoming - That is exactly the thing I am going to bring up again Tomorrow, because it is the 2ND time I have read him saying about going up to visit her. He has plenty of friends around here ffs what is wrong with him?

OP posts:

AnyCorpseFucker · 10/10/2011 00:19

when have you read about it before, NS ?

stepawayfromtheecclescakes · 10/10/2011 00:21

once on the FB message and again on the work e-mail af look NS answered without moving her fingers

AnyCorpseFucker · 10/10/2011 00:24

erm, ok, thanks

TheSecondComing · 10/10/2011 00:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

NewShooz · 10/10/2011 00:25

stepaway you answered for me.

I'm going to go to bed now and try and get some sleep, although I think it's impossible, even with the amount of wine I have had. Thanks again everyone x

OP posts:

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