To feel totally let down by my bridesmaid

[deathlyhallows]

Ok so I am getting married next week and I have 3 lovely bridesmaids , 2 of whom have been fantastic and really been there for me. I am quite an independent person and have done mostly everything for myself but they have offered to do loads and of anything I have asked they have either done or been so apologetic if they couldn't . But the third ...

Has been so uninterested . Hasn't done one thing to help , has come to nothing unless it has to do with her (ie dress fittings hair and make up) and the wedding is next week and I have seen her a handful of times in the last 3 months . Whenever I text her about wedding stuff she either doesn't get back to me or texts me with a brief reply that doesn't help saying she's been busy at work and is too busy to think about it . And even on her days off she says she needs for herself cos she is so busy at work .

AIBU to think she should be making time for me ?

deathlyhallows - There were five bridesmaids and each chose their dresses with their friends or their parents. I hadn't been to a wedding before, and I'm not one for formal clothes, so I took my mother to check I was attaining suitable levels of formality for a church. That was it. I was handed some flowers on the day and given a necklace to wear (which the bride had made) and I was very touched by her gift.

I think I'll give bridesmaids a miss...

Ah, sorry, I misunderstood your question. The bride picked a dress online, so she didn't have anyone with her!

I didn't even have a bridesmaid. I walked into Debenhams [or Selfridges, can't remember], saw a dress I liked, tried it on and bought it. Same with shoes, bouquet etc. I wore the jewellery I already owned.

Ummm just a thought but is she aware of your expectations? I had one bridesmaid and didn't expect her to do anything. In fact it didn't occur to me to ask her to do anything as she has a job and a life outside of me. Another friend of mine (not coming to wedding cos overseas at time) came with me to look at dresses cos she has teacher hours same as me and we could look in school hols. Bridesmaid didn't come and look with me as I didn't think to ask her.

I understand that you're hurt but I think this is due to your expectations. You expected her to be a certain sort of bridesmaid- probably because when you were one you really cared about it and got into it- and she's not. I'm sure it's nothing to do with you just a misalignment of expectations.

Wishing you lots of happiness on your wedding day.

Who went dress shopping with you ?
I made my dress A friend in Indonesia got me the silk and lace from a local market.
Bought my own jewellery and fripperies one Saturday.
Bought the shoes on my hen weekend, with hens. (No, I didn't buy hens!)
Bridesmaids did my hair on the day.

I agree with this: I'm sure it's nothing to do with you just a misalignment of expectations.

I do get that a wedding is a girly event for some, but we're not all the same. You've got your all-girls friends for that, hallows, so it's best to enjoy that and cut the independent one some slack, eh :)

I didn't have any bridesmaids at my wedding. In fact, we didn't mention about it until it was all organised and paid for, so all we had to do was send out the invites and see who was coming.

Simple, but effective and everyone had a ball.

I know its hard to tell from just a post on the internet, but you sound like my SIL. I agreed to be her bridesmaid - the truth is as that as far as I can see she only has 1 friend, so it wasn't a great honour to be "chosen". I did want her to have a good day and so listened as she talked about her big day.

But tbh as it got nearer I started feeling pretty fed up with her. I was going through a hard time - some she knew and some she didn't and it honestly felt like my SIL didn't give a shit about me.

I was supposed to listen to her for hours talking about party favours and the like, but she could ignore what was happening in my life! At least she wasn't really a friend. It sounds as if you are taking her friendship for granted tbh.

(don't know why I keep coming back to this )

One of my friends offered to come with me for the few short hours it took to choose my dress (3rd one I tried on, could not have been doing with all that trying on every flipping dress in the country malarky) Then we went for dinner and cocktails (which was far more fun)

Chose my shoes while out shopping with another friend one day. She bought stuff too. then we went for cocktails.

bridesmaids came to fabric store to choose material and patterns. Took 2 hours. Then we (guess what) went for cocktails

Friend (chief bm) insisted on coming with me to choose a going away outfit (which was much appreciated as she is known for her style and taste and I, erm, am not!) then we went for....

aha- got you! Actually we went for wine. So much wine that bm was sick in her handbag on train home and I nearly left going away outfit at the station

Chose flowers/ cars/ jewellery/ venue/ bands myself or with input from DH and family. I enjoyed my friends coming along (I think we all enjoyed the cocktails ) but it was in no way mandatory. in fact, I was determined NOT to be one-of-those-brides. It really is just one day, and not worth all the faffing, IMO. friendships are for life.

A bridesmaids job

turn up, wear dress selected, have clean nicely styled hair, walk down aisle, smile for photographs, dance with ugly ushers

end of

You choose your own dress, shoes and jewellery just like you would for any event, surely?

If anyone is interested in going with you, fine - your mum perhaps, or one of your pals. The assistants at bridal shops are always happy to help.

OP you do seem to have the attitude that the world should revolve around you and your biggest day ever (or at least it should revolve around you for 2 weeks). Sorry to burst your bubble but your biggest day is not a big deal for anyone else particularly (well ok hopefully the groom) - why are you not taking on board what most people on the thread are telling you?

You have become a bridezilla and risk trashing all your relationships over this wedding.

'I didn't say it was the best day I said it was the biggest . And I know there will b days just as big , but none will be bigger'

Yes there will be bigger days, believe me; when you have your babies for example.

You are over focusing on the wedding. I organised mine in 6 weeks from choosing the date to walking down the aisle, and it wasn't hard to achieve. What is far more important is the marriage that comes after it, and having just achieved 25 years of marriage, I speak from experience.

I haven't read the rest of the posts on the thread yet, OP, but what is it you expect your bridesmaid friend to do for you? Have you asked her to do anything?

I'm genuinely interested because I never had bridesmaids, it was registry office, so I have no idea what's involved. Your bridesmaids have all turned up for dress fittings, make-up or whatever else is needed... what else are they supposed to be doing for you?

Dress shopping - a friend came with me, but she wasn't my bridesmaid and I would like to think that she came because she wanted to rather than under duress. Shoes and jewels I did myself. I had an awesome day, big wedding with 150 people so I am not anti-weddings but I repeat, no one will be as interested in the wedding as you, and I include the groom in that sentence! Seriously, lighten up.

Dress shopping? I bought it off the internet - all by myself - chose my own shoes and jewellery too!

I wouldn't normally traipse an entourage of bored friends around with me when buying clothes. I really don't get the whole sitting in dress shops with several friends and family all sobbing while you try on oversized meringues anyway.

Stop worrying about the WEDDING. Your focus should be on the MARRIAGE. The frock, the hair extensions, the shoes, the colour of the napkins - none of it matters. I'd say your BM is rather sensible, not pandering to your fussing about things that are not, really, all that important.

Who went dress and shoe shopping? Friends came and looked at a couple of dresses with me, and I got another friend to make the dress based on the ideas I got from window shopping. Shoe shopping? Bought my own - it's not that hard to pick shoes. Jewellery - bought my own from John Lewis after work one day.

Agree with Fliss - the marriage is the important bit, not the dress, and you really, really don't need an entourage to plan what shoes you will wear to match the favours. Focus on the important things, and don't pander to the whole wedding industry that has expanded with the sole purpose of lightening your purse.

I didn't get too much help from anyone with organising our wedding - though Mum did a bit, and parents paid for it which is a big help !
Just be happy that you're getting married, you have two very helpful bridesmaids, and the other one is being no trouble to you !
Don't let your relationship with her spoil your day.
How are all the plans going ?
Do you need any help with anything ?
If so, who could you ask/ who'd be most help with sorting it ?
Hope you all have a lovely day !

Bridezilla.

YANBU She isn't being supportive or even contacting you to see how everything's going, she sounds jealous. I agree that it's an honour to be asked and she is going to be given attention for being a bridesmaid, so the least she could do is make time for you.

Btw, I didn't have a wedding with guests so am not a bridezilla but can still see this is unreasonable of her...

'FFSYou'reJustGettingMarriedNotSavingLivesTiggaxx'

That sums this thread all up.

Arf Dawn

Just caught up with the posts on this thread... lost interest in the OP's situation way back but oh, Spuddy... how disgusting of them and how cowardly? To participate in a weddng that both knew they were going to wreck the marriage of? I really hope they get their comeuppances.

I hope your future wedding/marriage/life is a breeze, Spuddy, god knows you deserve it. :)

Oh and I'd agree - I don't look back on my wedding day as "the biggest day of my life" - That would probably go to the day I had DD1

• Or possibly the day I was born, though I don't remember it too well !

• Though we did all have a lovely time at the wedding

fruitilla where do you get she sounds jealous from? Not everyone wants attention, or feels honoured to be a bridesmaid. I've been a bridesmaid twice, I honestly didn't think of it in that way. I actually would have preffered to have just been a guest In fact she may not be into the whole wedding thing. After all, lots of people [even women] aren't nowadays.
spuddy I agree, your ex and your ex friends sound like complete arseholes. You honestly are better off without people like that in your life. I hope you and your new partner have a lovely wedding day, the only important thing is each other, not other people.

I got married 19 years ago. My mum insisted on coming with me when I got the dress. Everything else I did myself e.g. shoes, bouquet. I wore jewellery I already had. It wouldn't have occured to me that BM should come with me or attend "events" such as veil fittings.

lesley - whereas my Mum came with me too, because I wouldn't have dreamed of going without her! We had great fun together choosing dresses and shoes etc.

Mind you - she paid for most of it too!