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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel totally let down by my bridesmaid

388 replies

deathlyhallows · 07/10/2011 15:55

Ok so I am getting married next week and I have 3 lovely bridesmaids , 2 of whom have been fantastic and really been there for me. I am quite an independent person and have done mostly everything for myself but they have offered to do loads and of anything I have asked they have either done or been so apologetic if they couldn't . But the third ...

Has been so uninterested . Hasn't done one thing to help , has come to nothing unless it has to do with her (ie dress fittings hair and make up) and the wedding is next week and I have seen her a handful of times in the last 3 months . Whenever I text her about wedding stuff she either doesn't get back to me or texts me with a brief reply that doesn't help saying she's been busy at work and is too busy to think about it . And even on her days off she says she needs for herself cos she is so busy at work .

AIBU to think she should be making time for me ?

OP posts:
mumeeee · 08/10/2011 09:20

YABU. Bridesmaids don't have to do stuff for the wedding. Dd1 had 4 bridesmaids her 2 best friends and her 2 sisters. Her best friends did come to one of the wedding fittings but that was because they wanted to see the dress and one of them did organise a bridal shower and hen night. But they were not expected to do these things. They would have thought going for a veil fitting strange. She says she is busy at work and U know thar sometimes if you are stressed at work you need time for yourself to do your own thing. Why don't you phone her and ask how she is instead of texting about wedding stuff.

Lara2 · 08/10/2011 09:37

OP - I sense a Bridezilla............

ReindeerBollocks · 08/10/2011 09:55

You have two BM already pandering to your needs do you really need a third? I don't blame the girl for avoiding your wedding related texts (tbh you said she wasn't ignoring your normal none wedding texts - so this isn't about friendship but ultimately about your wedding).

She doesn't need to do anything than turn up on the day. So YABU, I am surprised about how precious you actually are.

I got married to DH and didn't expect the day to be about me (and I had donated a bloody kidney!) it was about the commitment we were making. My bridesmaid just needed to turn up, anything else was above and beyond.

You do have a very different idea about weddings, but then again if it is the week before I wouldn't expect you to be back on planet Earth for at least another three weeks. Just remember to apologise for being a demanding cow, once the sheen has worn off and you've bored people with your wedding album.

Good luck with the wedding btw

eslteacher · 08/10/2011 10:02

YANBU if you are hurt that one of your bridesmaids on your big day is going to be someone who you no longer feel close to or feel isn't a good friend. But YABU if you are just annoyed that she isn't helping more, which seems to be the case.

I certainly didn't realise bridesmaids were meant to take an active part in planning the wedding or whatever. If someone asked me to be a bridesmaid I'd happily accept but I wouldn't realise that meant I was supposed to be helping with wedding stuff.

Maybe you should be more understanding about what's going on in her own life right now. Your wedding is just one day out of her whole life, her career and sanity probably means a lot more to her and rightly so.

FessaEst · 08/10/2011 10:07

"I didn't say it was the best day I said it was the biggest . And I know there will b days just as big , but none will be bigger ."

I seriously hope, for your sake, that you have bigger days to come Smile You are in your twenties, can you not see that you have a whole life ahead, this one day-important thought it is-will recede very quickly.

dawntigga · 08/10/2011 10:15

Let's just take a reality check here, what you are ACTUALLY doing is entering into a legal contract with another person then throwing a big party. This is NOT a life changing event, if it IS a life changing event I'd be looking at your relationship fairly hard right now as a contract shouldn't actually make that much of a difference.

Not everyone you meet or talk to will be as invested with your 'event' as you are, some people aren't going to give a fig and some people who are actually part of your 'event' aren't going to care about this as much as you do - most of them in fact, if they are honest.

Come back to your biggest post if you choose to have children and review it, now there's a life changing event.

FFSYou'reJustGettingMarriedNotSavingLivesTiggaxx

MooncupGoddess · 08/10/2011 10:26

Have to admire your persistence on this thread, OP.

However - you don't seem to grasp that not everyone is into weddings. What's the state of your friend's personal life? Could she be upset she's not found a marriage partner herself? Slightly baffled why anyone gets married in the first place? Bored rigid by huge events involving table decorations? If she is a good friend in all other respects (which it sounds like) you really should cut her some slack on this one.

pippilongsmurfing · 08/10/2011 10:30

Why the chuff do people post on AIBU, only to be told they are BU, and then argue against the consensus?

OP - You are U and avery precious, I feel very sorry for your 'friend'.

If you want 'it's your special day hun' type shite, try netmums.

pippilongsmurfing · 08/10/2011 10:31

and very precious, stupid buttery toasty fingers......

helendigestives · 08/10/2011 10:36

My brother got married and I was a bridesmaid. I had a few discussions about colours schemes, bought and paid for a dress/shoes/etc., turned up for the rehearsal and then for the wedding itself. Job done.

Spuddybean · 08/10/2011 10:43

lovesbeing in answer to your question; i have no idea how long it was going on for. A short while after the wedding i walked in on them in bed together at m mums house (she was having a party and they had both sloped off to my bedroom).

They insisted it was a drunken fumble and like a fool i accepted it. A few weeks later my H told me he had decided he never wanted kids - which was the main reason we had married in the 1st place.

We separated for a while but i wanted to go back to him. I poured my heart out to her for a few of months. Then i got a call from him telling me he had something to tell me...

I had only seen her the day before. Telling her all about our sex life, showing her love letters, discussing everything. It didn't occur to me she could be using it against me.

Apparently they insist they didn't 'get together' till after we had separated. But i think we all know that's bollox!

valiumredhead · 08/10/2011 10:58

We rarely speak on the phone

There lies your problem imo.

BrandyAlexander · 08/10/2011 11:00

YABU. Your wedding, you organise it. No one else is as excited as you so you will either look back and cringe or remain self centred. If I was your friend I would be distancing myself fast as that's the only way I deal with bridezillas!

Original poster
deathlyhallows · 08/10/2011 11:01

Can I ask for those of you whose bridesmaids only turned up for the wedding ? Who went dress shopping with you ? Jewellery shopping ? Shoe shopping etc etc all the stuff the groom can't do .

OP posts:
Faffalina · 08/10/2011 11:08

Chose my own shoes, jewellery etc OP.

Had one bridesmaid, best mate. She attended dress fittings (hers and mine) as I didn't drive at the time. She also took me to the hair dressers on the actual day.

However I don't think being a bridesmaid is such a big deal. I asked both my sisters and they refused, as they don't like all the fuss. That was fine :-)

WidowWadman · 08/10/2011 11:10

deathlyhallows My mother in law and my sister in law dragged me screaming and kicking into a number of wedding dress shops, but in the end I found the dress I wanted on my own in Debenhams. Mother in law had to completely take it apart and re-sew it though when I lost 3 stone between buying it and the wedding. The shoes I bought, again, on my own in the Bhs sale.

Shopping for a wedding dress is just like shopping for any other party outfit if you ask me. How many people do you want to drag along to buy a dress and some shoes?

Byeckerslike · 08/10/2011 11:17

*Because.... That is all

Georgimama · 08/10/2011 11:17

Can I ask for those of you whose bridesmaids only turned up for the wedding ? Who went dress shopping with you ? Jewellery shopping ? Shoe shopping etc etc all the stuff the groom can't do .

My mother came with me to choose my wedding dress. Accessories I did on my own randomly one lunchtime. It's really not that big a deal. If you think it's the "biggest" day in your life then obviously you are going to feel differently but you can't necessarily expect anyone to see it the same way. Shopping is not a spectator sport.

KenDoddsDadsDog · 08/10/2011 11:17

I had two bridesmaids who did literally just turn up. I chose all my own stuff. But I'm not a girly giggler and neither are they.

jasminerice · 08/10/2011 11:24

OP, you want your hand held every step of the way it seems. Are you really ready to get married? You sound immature and selfish. Why not wait until you're a bit older, with more self confidence and maturity?

ReindeerBollocks · 08/10/2011 11:26

My mum helped do all the wedding bits, and went dress shopping with me. She cried too Hmm.

My BM was busy being pregnant and having two DCs. OP. It really is just one day, and you are being an arsehole. Sorry but you are. The world doesn't revolve around you for two weeks leading up to the wedding. As long as she is there on the day please leave the woman alone, she does actually should like she has big stuff going on in her world, and your wedding will not be a priority to her.

Spuddybean · 08/10/2011 11:37

I went to a dress sale (at a hotel and got a gorgeous designer dress at a bargain) with one friend (not a BM) the 'bad bm' was invited if she wanted to come and she turned up late stinking of booze.

Shoes i bought alone. The BM dresses were a day shopping with the 3 BM's and i let them choose their own dresses (i wanted something they liked which they could wear again and they didn't have to match) and paid for them and a slap up lunch. Got my jewellery at the same time.

Flowers i chose with mum (as she was paying).

The idea of traipsing round window shopping, trying stuff on and talking endlessly about it would have driven me mad - and it was my wedding! Let alone the poor sods who got dragged along for the ride.

Flowerista · 08/10/2011 11:37

My mum came dress shopping. But being a grown up person with opinions of my likes and dislikes I was able to chose shoes and earrings myself.

Your wedding is clearly important to you, and I think you're getting yourself worked up to the point you're spoiling it for yourself. Try to relax, weddings are supposed to be fun not full of angst. don't fall out with your friend or you'll find yourself regretting it once the wedding frenzy dies down.

I hope you have a lovely day.

BatmanLovesRobin · 08/10/2011 11:40

I have never, as a bridesmaid, bride or friend of a bridesmaid experienced anything other than the bridesmaids turning up for the hen do, the wedding , and in only a couple of cases, fittings. One time as an adult bridesmaid I just bought the dress that had been decided on by the bride and the bridesmaid with the most difficult shape. The bride told us what colour shoes and we just went and bought them. The most I've ever done is help lace the bride into her dress.

My bridesmaids didn't even have dresses, but then I had a fairly unusual wedding so that experience probably doesn't count (it wasn't a nudist wedding! It was a DIY wedding in a very snowy country).

sayithowitis · 08/10/2011 11:42

My adult bridesmaids just 'turned up' for the wedding. I went to try on dresses on my own and then took my mum along to see my 'shortlist' and help with final decision. Shoes? Mum and me popped into the local shoe shops once I had decided on the dress. Didn't bother 'jewellery' shopping. I had already decided I was going to wear the matching necklace and earrings DH (then BF) had given me for my birthday a couple of years previously - much more special than something bought just to 'go with' the dress IMO. Outside of the dress, and shoes, I really can't think of anything that wasn't a joint decision between me and DH. We planned and arranged our wedding ourselves. Even our mothers weren't involved ( long story about two controlling mothers, too long to go into here) although we did make sure they knew of our decisions every step of the way.

My bridesmaids were asked to turn up for fittings for their own dresses and of course, I was present for those, but otherwise, I really can't say they were asked to do anything else. And, that was the way I liked it tbh.

I am sorry, I really don't understand the angst over bridesmaids these days. In my day, it really was a case of them turning up, looking good in the photos, holding the bouquet during the service and making sure the bride's train was straight as she walked down the aisle.

And whilst I agree that your wedding day may be the biggest day of your life so far, there really will be bigger days in your life - births, bereavements and other events.