To feel totally let down by my bridesmaid

[deathlyhallows]

Ok so I am getting married next week and I have 3 lovely bridesmaids , 2 of whom have been fantastic and really been there for me. I am quite an independent person and have done mostly everything for myself but they have offered to do loads and of anything I have asked they have either done or been so apologetic if they couldn't . But the third ...

Has been so uninterested . Hasn't done one thing to help , has come to nothing unless it has to do with her (ie dress fittings hair and make up) and the wedding is next week and I have seen her a handful of times in the last 3 months . Whenever I text her about wedding stuff she either doesn't get back to me or texts me with a brief reply that doesn't help saying she's been busy at work and is too busy to think about it . And even on her days off she says she needs for herself cos she is so busy at work .

AIBU to think she should be making time for me ?

YABU. You sound very immature and self centred. And the txtspk is very irritating.

OP, I'm sorry you're having such a rough time on here. I guess the verdict is that the majority of people (on mumsnet at least) think a bridesmaid should wear whatever you've agreed and smile nicely in the photos. I happen to disagree:

1. You may as well just have a dress code for all guests so you can get everyone to wear something appropriate and then tell them to smile.
2. If that's all you want from them, you should pick the most photogenic of your guests to take centre stage in the photos to be bridesmaids, rather than your closest girls/women.

I had one bridesmaid who was my (very photogenic) sister. She read and sent emails about wedding stuff in the year before, nothing substantial, more like links with "pretty!", as did my mum. She came with me dress shopping and to my final fitting. She organised my hen do and did a DIY crafty job. I also had other friends/family doing stuff on/before the day to help out. They had all shown an interest and had offered help.

I was definitely not a bridezilla, but needed some help to plan a fun party, and more help to make it happen. I didn't really have a colour scheme, flowers, chair covers, favours so didn't spend time talking about them. I didn't bring up my wedding in conversation but did answer questions if asked - mostly "everything ok?" "yeah, fine thanks".

When close friends of mine have married, I have shown an interest and offered help, regardless of whether I was a bridesmaid.

I have interpreted your posts on this thread as disappointment that one of your closest friends doesn't appear to care about you. I think a good friend should show an interest in your wedding, just like they should about your new baby/job/house/hobby. That doesn't mean you have to burden them with a mind numbing level of detail. I think a bridesmaid should offer help which is practicable for them to give. A bride should be considerate to her bridesmaids and continue to be interested in them. The wedding day is all about the bride and groom but the preceding year is not.

YANBU to be disappointed but there's obviously a massive divide in expectations. I don't think you can do anything really, just wait and see how she is on the day and after.

Have a lovely wedding!

Spuddy... God yes... If I'd been Kungfupanda, I think I would have done some damage with the carving knife and pour their gravy (theirs, mind), over the resulting carnage...

Oh dear Lord, I think this has been my favourite ever MN thread!

I have been a bridesmaid 6 times - utterly tedious. Especially when I was single and desperate to be in a relationship. I couldn't have given a shit about the wedding, but turned up and behaved beautifully because it was what expected.

I got married last year at the grand age of 34. I had 5 bridesmaids, my lovely sister, my best fabulous mate and my three sickeningly beautiful cousins. They were awesome, but I was as far from bridezilla as possible. My bridesmaids dresses were bought from Monsoon.... I emailed the bridesmaids the picture of it and told them to go and buy it... I knew it would suit all of them. One of my cousins kept texting/facebooking/phoning me about what shoes to wear ('I don't care as long as they are silver or pewter), what shall I do with my hair ('I don't give a shit... it always looks pretty') etc etc.

In the end we had a brilliant day. Oh and wedding dress shopping was even more hilarious as my Mum and twin aunts flew over from Guernsey and we went to a Fat Girls Wedding Shop in London. Choosing a dress took about 2 hours and we spent the rest of the day shopping for my demon-shopaholic-aunts. We had fun but it wasn't exactly a stressful day.

So, in conclusion... OP you are being entirely unreasonable. It's not all about you. It is one day in your life. So, enjoy it, and hope that your bridesmaids enjoy it too. Don't be so high maintenance that they purse their lips when they mention your wedding day.

Hope you have a great day :)

So as someone who's never been a bridesmaid and never got married, I'm surprised to learn on this thread that apparently bridesmaids generally have to pay for their own dresses? i.e. the bride has final say on the dress they will wear, then it is expected that the bridesmaid herself will buy it? Is that really true??

............and this is why I have never wanted a 'normal' wedding!!!

My Bridesmaid didn't attend the hen, turned up, didn't like the dress, didn't want to carry the flowers, wet her pants and then cried - she was only 2 years old.

Lizcat I was getting really worried about your bridesmaid just then! :)

OP I think the general consensus would show you that most of us would really disappoint you too, maybe she's just of the same mindset as the majority here? As someone said earlier, if you sent a text and said "I'm going to XYZ if you fancy coming" well, that doesn't really require a response!

Look your wedding is almost upon you. Pick up the phone and make sure she knows what she has to do. Have a chat. It's too late to "let her go" (still think that's classic!) now so make sure she arrives looking half decent, smiles, is on time and capable of putting one foot in front of the other.

There's not a lot else you can do at this point!

Talk to her? I can understand you feeling let down but you have no idea what stresses are going on in her life. Perhaps she is struggling to deal with many things.

Being a friend means being there for each other. Have you shown interest in her? While planning a wedding is tough you cannot expect friends to rally around you and show interest if you don't do the same back. It's not how friendship works.

If you have shown interest in her life, called/text and asked her things that a good friend would then perhaps she is being a bit aloof for some reason and you should ask her if everything is okay. But if you haven't been as attentive to her as you'd like her to be to you then perhaps you need to get some perspective by making time for her too. Friendship is 50/50, chances are she may be feeling that all you are interested is your wedding and her part in it, rather then her as a person and friend.

I adore this thread. I can't decide whether to use it as confirmation of why I am really not wild about marriage, or whether I should instantly go downstairs, tell Mr Inferior that I will finally accept his repeated proposals of matrimony, and start rounding up ALL my best mates and tell them to get going on my Very Special Day. I think I might start with the one whose MIL died on Wednesday, or perhaps the one whose other BF died last weekend.

I've only read the first 100 posts but honestly, get over yourself. And I mean this in the nicest possible way .

A wedding is not stressful unless you make it so, and is not the most important day of your life - maybe so far, but not in the long run.

My mother died a few months after my wedding day. My friends were there for me then. My friend drove 250 miles round trip so I didn't drive myself home. She took me on long walks so noone at work saw me crying.

Friends turning up with a takeaway when you have a 3 week old baby. Offering to walk the baby round the block for you when you have just had enough. Friends who know when you're not as fine as you say you are.

But not being fawning enough over your flowers? Get a grip.

I'm getting married next year, I'm expecting my bridesmaids to come shopping so I can buy them dresses and shoes, turn up for the hen do and keep me calm on the actual day.

What exactly are you expecting? Because I think you should have a chat about it. She might just not understand your expectations.

YANBU! It's a big day and you have chosen the people that mean the most to you in the whole world besides your DH and probably various family members...

Of course it's easy to get carried away with the planning of every last detail but it would be nice to have an offer of help.

However, consider how helpful she normally is. For example, I chose my sister and 2 friends. My sister did not help with anything and spent more time in the bathroom than I did on the day of the wedding getting ready. But to be honest I expected that and did not get cross or upset. That is just who she is...

Like wot thruppence said, to be brutally frank friends are the ones who come round and mop you up and pour wine down your throat and listen for hours when your relationship ends, not when it starts.

So as someone who's never been a bridesmaid and never got married, I'm surprised to learn on this thread that apparently bridesmaids generally have to pay for their own dresses? i.e. the bride has final say on the dress they will wear, then it is expected that the bridesmaid herself will buy it? Is that really true??

Not at all (well not in my case). My adult BMs are individuals with their own sense of style and taste...and I wanted them to be happy with what they were wearing (after all, they had to wear it for most of the day). I chose the colour, but let them choose whatever they liked (and I paid). They both looked absolutely gorgeous on the day...and were happy and comfortable with what they wore. Also bought them jewellery pieces as gifts...

I had one of those too OP. I know what its like. Mine was away with work just before the wedding. She turned up late at my house on the day. It was actually me who ended up helping her into her dress. From memory I even brough her shoes. Even though the other two bridesmaids arranged this and paid for them. Needless to say we aren't close anymore.
I paid for dresses too.

DD1 paid for her bridesmaid dressers. They were made by a retired dressmaker. The bridesmaids pIs for their shoes.

I think most brides pay for the bridesmaids dresses in this country. It seems to be more of an American custom for the bridesmaids to have to pay.

I had three bridesmaids, two were children and one was a friend. My friend travelled 40 miles to the town where I lived to look at bridesmaids dresses atthe shop I had already chosen my dress from but inthe end we decided to use a dressmkaer in the town where she and the other two bridesmaids lived and where the wedding was taking place. I paid for the dresses and gave them money for the shoes but they sorted them themselves.

I did go a bit OTT and visited every wedding dress shop withint 30 miles and several wedding fairs but I did it on my own, sister in law to be who happened to work in a wedding dress shop came with me a couple of times for expert advice then when I narrowed it down my mum came (she was paying).

Everything else was sorted with my dh to be and our parents. I organised a meal out and bridesmaid came to that, she then came to the house on the day and had her hair done.

The OP sounds very, very needy people have busy lives. I was grateful my bridesmaid gave up enough time to help choose her dress and go to fittings in between work, family etc.

OP YABU.

One of my bridesmaids was pissed before the ceremony even began... Count your blessings!

bridezilla springs to mind.

YABU. I got married recently & was chuffed that so many people gave up a day to share my day with me. Anything else is quite me me me and grabby. I had a great day but kept the preparations in perspective.

Crikey YABVU. All I'd expect mine to do would be turn up. If they wanted to help with anything then I'd have been really touched but certainly not expected them to. It's your wedding so you do all the planning.

I do remember how caught up in the planning I was and how it took over my every thought. But expecting people to do stuff for you is going to far. Like someone else said. Being a bridesmaid is not a job.

Hope you have a lovely day. Sounds like you've hit the very stressful bit.

I was a bridesmaid when I was 6. I did naff all except turn up on the day and had my hair done!