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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel totally let down by my bridesmaid

388 replies

deathlyhallows · 07/10/2011 15:55

Ok so I am getting married next week and I have 3 lovely bridesmaids , 2 of whom have been fantastic and really been there for me. I am quite an independent person and have done mostly everything for myself but they have offered to do loads and of anything I have asked they have either done or been so apologetic if they couldn't . But the third ...

Has been so uninterested . Hasn't done one thing to help , has come to nothing unless it has to do with her (ie dress fittings hair and make up) and the wedding is next week and I have seen her a handful of times in the last 3 months . Whenever I text her about wedding stuff she either doesn't get back to me or texts me with a brief reply that doesn't help saying she's been busy at work and is too busy to think about it . And even on her days off she says she needs for herself cos she is so busy at work .

AIBU to think she should be making time for me ?

OP posts:
notjustme · 08/10/2011 17:58

OP. you might have more luck joining a wedding forum - you'd have had a totally different response on there! :)

LoveBeingAMummyAgain · 08/10/2011 18:00

spuddy Shock that's awful bet it didn't feel real.

Op - I went shopping and hair Appts with maid of honour, all BMs came to the dress makers (theirs that is) but mostly me doing it all.

lesley33 · 08/10/2011 18:03

oakmaiden - I guess it wasn't as much fun for me as my mum had her own ideas of what I should wear. I got what i wanted - but I did feel like a kid again as she kept saying what about this one? Me - no I don't like it. Her - but you don't know till you have tried it on, just try it on. AAARGH!

Actually if I and OH ever split up I will insist next time that my BM's treat me like a princess and come with me shopping to buy everything!

eurochick · 08/10/2011 18:06

I didn't have any bridesmaids. I went to three dress shops - one with my mum, one with a friend who was on mat leave and asked to come and one by myself (which is where I bought my dress). I sorted most other stuff online.

I have been one once. I consider bridesmaids duties are: look your best in the photos, organise the hen (if required), wear the dress you are put it, help bride with train if needed (I failed a bit at this one as I was sheltering from the wind in the porch of the church while we waited for the brides car and saw her coming up the church path with her dad carrying her train - oops) and dance with the best man, smiling while he treads on your toes.

The OP is being a complete bridezilla.

MissBeehiving · 08/10/2011 18:09

I LOVE a good Bridezilla thread Grin

SauvignonBlanche · 08/10/2011 18:10

My Mum came with me for the dress, the rest I did myself. I was an adult by then!

Proudnreallyveryscary · 08/10/2011 18:30

OP. Re your question, 'to those whose bridesmaids turned up on the day, who went shopping with you etc'

You have two other bridesmaids! They have, by your own admission, been helpful, interested, wonderful...but you are so far up your bridezilla bum that you are demanding absolute commitment and fever pitch excitement from all three.

Really, you are making yourself look very silly. On here and probably in real life.

I so wish you would listen to the voices of reason and loosen your garter a little. Relax and enjoy.

AuntieMaggie · 08/10/2011 18:42

Sorry but I don't agree the OP is BU... I have not been to a wedding where the bridesmaids have simply just turned up on the day, they have been there to support the bride in spirit if not by helping carry out a few tasks.

OP - just call her and ask her if everythings ok as she's been a bit quiet on the wedding front.

And enjoy your day :)

piratecaaaaaaaaaghhht · 08/10/2011 18:50

'you're only bloody getting married'

nice comment.

op. yanbu to expect a bit of interest from a supposed mate.

Proudnreallyveryscary · 08/10/2011 18:55

And the shoal of fish swims the other way...

A1980 · 08/10/2011 18:58

And even on her days off she says she needs for herself cos she is so busy at work . AIBU to think she should be making time for me ?

Absolutely, completely and totally unreasonable.

She has a life you know. Contrary to what brides think, the world does not stop for everyone just becasue you have chosen to get married.

What else is there for a bridesmaid to do but wear a dress and walk down the aisle with you? The planning of the wedding is for you, your partner and your family to arrange.

I work 45 hours a week and commute 15 hours a week. That is 60 hours a week where I am either at work or travelling to work, I would want my weekend to myself unless it involved getting a bridesmaid dress fitted for the wedding. What exactly do you want her to do? Be at your beck and call?

babyheavingmassofmaggots · 08/10/2011 19:05

My bridesmaids were 12 and 4. Funnily enough none of them did anything other than turn up on the day. Grin

crepes · 08/10/2011 19:07

yabu, well said A1980 good luck & congratulations op! hopefully this thread has helped calm you down a little for the big day, its about your marriage to your df.. its not just about a wedding party and your relationships with xyz!

i agree with a pp your bm infact everyone who attends your wedding are doing YOU a favour by being there to help celebrate, they don't have to be there just because you invited them!! you should be grateful for the effort they make just being there... and trust me some weddings we have been to have cost us a small fortune to just get there!!

i'd be interested to know if 3rd bm is single?

madmomma · 08/10/2011 19:09

It was my own wedding day today and I found it fairly dull to be honest, so God knows how bored other people were! Get a couple of drinks down you on the day and you'll have an ace time regardless of what the bridesmaids are or aren't doing. I think people just vary immensely in their conscienciousness (sp?)/flakiness. Doesn't mean they don't care loads for you.

Panzee · 08/10/2011 19:09

Congratulations madmomma :)

crje · 08/10/2011 19:38

Congrats madmomma !!!!!
My dh and I picked everything together,we did it over 2 Saturdays and didn't bore others with the details.
My bridesmaid did as she was told(turn up&smile for pics) she was perfect.

My friend asked me to be her bridesmaid-I said no because id no time or interest(said nicer)-she is still cool with me-your friend said yes and your cool...... you'd be on here moaning either way !!!!!!!

Good luck with your big day-give your friend a break-she is not a bad friend just not a clone of the other bridesmaids.

Proudnreallyveryscary · 08/10/2011 19:40

Congratulations Momma

CavemanDaveIsVeryBrave · 08/10/2011 20:02

Love
If you are 26 and calling this "the biggest day of your whole life" then, well where do you think you can go from there?

YABU

MollieO · 08/10/2011 20:13

If she has ignored emails etc asking her to come to particular things then I'd be concerned. If she has just missed 'anyone fancy doing xyz' then I wouldn't expect a reply if the answer was no.

You say she has a busy job. She probably thinks that two overly involved bridesmaids is plenty for you to deal with and you don't need a third sticking their oar in. Everytime I've been bridesmaid the only commitment I've been able to make is to ensure I'm in the country for the day of the wedding. My friends, being true friends, appreciated the fact that I actually turned up and didn't expect anything more from me. Which is as it should be.

dinkystinky · 08/10/2011 20:18

OP - it sounds like you and your friend have different expectations... and as can be seen by this thread its entirely normal for each wedding and each bride to be different in their organisation and expectations. The best thing would have been to mention to the friends you asked to be bridesmaids what you'd need them to do to help you out as part of their role - that way everyone is clear on what's expected.

FWIW, my sister and sister in law were my bridesmaids - did nothing other than chose their dresses and shoes though my sister came with me on my initial wedding dress shopping outing (we were spending the day together anyway and ambled by a road with lots of shops on). I didnt expect any more. I was my sister's bridesmaid with 2 of her friends who did loads for her - all I did was help her pick a wedding dress and organise her hen do and be a witness at her civil ceremony - she didnt expect any more of me either.

madmomma · 08/10/2011 20:18

Thanks Smile

dinkystinky · 08/10/2011 20:19

P.s. Spuddy - so sorry you went through all that crap. I hope you have a happy and fulfilled life with your new DP and your new family to come.

Spuddybean · 08/10/2011 23:49

cheers guys for all the support. it seems whenever i come on a thread i either mention this or my mental in laws. Sad i have lots of nice things about me too!

i say tho i love a wedding thread - my fave ever was the one where a person said their friends had said no kids but asked if they were BU if they took theirs anyway, as 'who could fail to be overjoyed at a childs presence at a wedding'. SERIOUSLY!!??

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 08/10/2011 23:55

Spuddy... I remember that one... I could almost hear the collective intake of breath before the hissing fest that followed... so funny! Grin

Spuddybean · 09/10/2011 00:01

i still laugh when i remember it - usually on the tube, when i am squished into some strangers armpit and i have gone to my happy mumsnet place. That one and one post when kungfupanda said people/family had come to her house at xmas and taken her food out of the oven and put theirs in, and she was rocking in the bathroom saying a mantra of t'his is still my house'!!!