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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that partners baby's Mother is getten their baby Christened the weekend were getting Married?

300 replies

19111990 · 06/10/2011 20:21

Well me and my partner are getting married in 5 weeks. His baby mum knows this and decided to do the christing the same weekend.

Her problem is the fact he didnt tell him and she had to find out from someone else, so when she found out about this she decided to do the christening the same weekend. She is doing it out of spite in my opion. another problem is me and her dont get along so we dont speak. The reason he never told him himself is because he dont want to speak to her unless it is to do with the baby.

I am on two minds on putting the wedding back! The poeple i have spoke to about it tell me I shouldnt put it back because that will be giving her what she want's. Ijust dont to be making thing's worst between them two and dont want him missing out on the baby's Christening!

Any advice on what i should do about it please?

OP posts:
nailak · 07/10/2011 10:10

my dd is 4 and i still call her baby...

my dhs sister is in her 40s and mil still calls her baby jaan....

notevenamousie · 07/10/2011 10:22

I don't think it has been mentioned but if he has parental responsibility, he gets a say in what faith the child is brought up in. Infant baptisms are commonest in the Catholic/ CofE churches - if he does not want to bring his daughter up in that faith, then the child cannot be baptised into it. I imagine the priest/ vicar will be well aware of this and this won't be the first time they've encountered it. The same will go for schooling if his XP subsequently wants their DD to go to a faith school. If he gets to a solicitor sharpish none of this needs be a problem.

vixsatis · 07/10/2011 10:30

OP

You all have many years ahead during which you will need to muddle through together. You need to try to lower the temperature of the discussion with your partner's ex.

Go ahead with your wedding on the day planned: your partner's daughter is too young to miss not having been there.

Call the vicar and have a very rational and polite discussion with him. Explain that your wedding had already been booked before ex booked the Christening, you can't change the wedding date but your P would very much like to be at the Christening. Ex isn't listening, so would the vicar please find out from her whether there is any possibility of changing the date to one which is convenient for both of the child's parents

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 07/10/2011 10:31

gordyslovesheep your post did make I laugh Grin

However, I have a close friend who married in similar circumstances - she and her now dh got together when his ex was pregnant, married when his dc was 2 or 3. His dc was very much a part of the wedding, btw.

They'd spilt up prior to finding out about the pregnancy and neither party wanted to get back together.

The whole thing is very amicable - he pays good maintenance and has his dc at the weekends and for regular holidays. My friend and the child are very close and now she has a child with her dh, the two are very much siblings. My friend also gets on well with her dh's ex.

So no, it doesn't have to be Jeremy Kyle. Children are born and families develop in all sorts of circumstances - having an unconventional set-up doesn't have to mean strife and disagreement.

Good luck OP :)

heleninahandcart · 07/10/2011 10:39

1911 I am sorry you have had a hard time here. I would definitely advise posting in Step parents, AIBU is very harsh sometimes. You do not need to apologise for your grammar, your post was actually very clear. The problem is that some posters have made assumptions about some parts of your post rather than reading it properly.

Right, to your original post. It does sound as if she has chosen the Christening date to try to spoil your wedding plans. I think you should stick to your original plans, even if you change your date there is nothing to stop her cancelling the Christening or even re-arranging the date anyway. You can't re-arrange your wedding because she is sulking.

If you are absolutely sure you want to marry now (I ask this because the whole situation looks messy) go ahead and enjoy your wedding and I hope your DD (dear daughter) enjoys her day too.

FlangelinaBallerina · 07/10/2011 10:58

Another one repulsed by the snobbery. Looks like some silly bitches are intent on proving Julie Burchill right.

OP, I think before taking any further action, you have to be very sure of the date. Christenings can happen on Saturdays too, btw. There've been a few in my family. We're Catholic, and I assume by the use of vicar rather than priest that OP isn't, but worth double checking anyway.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 07/10/2011 11:24

If some of you are struggling, it says more about your comprehension skills than it does about the OP

karma - well said. Whilst I am guilty of taking the piss sometimes, I often wonder about some MNers' comprehension skills.

AbbyAbsinthe · 07/10/2011 11:36

Fucking hell, there is some patronising and sneering going on in this thread :o

OP, good on you for sticking around. Some people have clearly made a snap judgement on your life, because of your age and your grammar Hmm Nice to know all their lives are so perfect.

Your fiance's ex is being a spiteful bitch, that much is apparent to anyone with half a brain. Just try and carry on regardless with the plans for your wedding and be happy. It's difficult, I know, when someone is trying their damndest to put a spanner in the works, but stick together and you'll be fine Smile

AbbyAbsinthe · 07/10/2011 11:37

Clearly I didn't mean to put a Grin there. Not sure what I was doing, tbh!

BetsyBoop · 07/10/2011 11:38

Can't believe some of the snobbery on this thread Hmm

Assuming his ex is not a regular church goer, then probably her only option is a CofE baptism in her parish church. Assuming you know her address you can find out which is her parish church here

I would speak to the vicar & find out what is booked & let him know the situation. Assuming your DP has parental responsibility (is he named on the birth certificate?) then he has a say.

Baptisms are governed by Canon Law in the CofE

The minister to whom a child has been brought for baptism should make enquiries to discover the identity of those having parental responsibility for the child and must endeavour to instruct all such persons in accordance with the provisions of Canon B22(4).

In order to carry out their responsibilities under the preceding paragraph the minister may postpone the baptism save in an emergency (Canon B22(3)).

If a parent does not agree to baptism or refuses to be prepared or instructed the minister should apply to the diocesan bishop for guidance and directions under Canon C18.

Any sensible vicar would be looking to rearrange it for a day when both parents could attend.

pommedechocolat · 07/10/2011 11:43

My brother and I were christened at ages 4 and 2 as my mother decided to wait for my brother to do me and then forgot! Not that unusual to do older children surely?

However if she's waited that long she can wait a little longer - YANBU but your dp must sort this out with her not you.

changingmyname · 07/10/2011 12:37

Regular who's namechanged - can't be arsed with the screaming and hysterics.

Look, 9 times out of 10 these posts turn out to be a wind up. It might not be, but it sure smells like one.

You can all jump up and down screaming snobbery and how very dare you. However, the poster has no history and says she was directed here by a friend for advice. Really, really? Do you honestly think any genuine MNer would point a young, upset mum to AIBU for advice??

fedupofnamechanging · 07/10/2011 12:43

Someone who's heard of MN, but not necessarily an MNer themsleves, might point a friend here generally for advice and the OP herself selected AIBU herself, not realising how harsh it can be.

Either way though, blunt speaking is one thing, but some of the things said on here, with no actual evidence that the OP isn't real, have been way out of of line.

fedupofnamechanging · 07/10/2011 12:45

Put 'herself' twice. Apologies, before I get jumped on for my appalling sentence construction Smile.

gleemama · 07/10/2011 13:05

cantspel, you can get married in a registry office on a Sunday. You might not be able to do it at all, but I know of at least a couple that you can.

Hullygully · 07/10/2011 13:10

snobby snobs from snobland in abundance

Sorry, op, for all the snobbery. Try to ignore it and just take the good advice.

RedHelenB · 07/10/2011 13:16

Why the need for a 2 1/2 year old to attend her dad's wedding!!?? Surely HER OWN christening is more important? If the baby's mother knew your wedding date before she booked the christening then obviously father won't be there, he will be marrying OP instead. If nit, then I would move your wedding

incognitofornow · 07/10/2011 13:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LoveInAColdClimate · 07/10/2011 13:22

It would be very sad for the OP's DP's DD to miss her father's wedding, RedHelen, especially as the reason for her doing so seems to be a grudge held by her mother. I think everyone would look back at the day and the pictures and feel sad about it. I would imagine that when she's old enough to understand she would come to resent her mother for it.

SexualHarrassmentPandaPop · 07/10/2011 13:27

I would go ahead with the wedding. I find it interesting that some people think not attending a Christening that has been arranged purely to put a spanner in the works of your wedding and of which the child will have little idea what is going on somehow constitutes not putting the child first. The Christening is hardly for the child is it?
The Christening has been arranged, I assume, without your DFs involvement as it clashes with his wedding. Did he even want the child Christened? Is he religious at all? I would let his ex have her Christening with her side of the family and you can have your own celebration another time (which will probably be a lot more fun for the child going by the torturous Christenings I've been to).

thefirstMrsDeVere · 07/10/2011 13:27

Well done for carrying on with the thread and not running for the hills. More than a lot of women would have done given the amount of snarkiness on here.
Newflash my lovelies - people live different lives from you.

They dont all have a wonderful education
They have complicated family set up that sound a bit like Jez Kyle
And they call children 'babies'

Some of them even come on to mumsnet. They are allowed.

TheOriginalFAB · 07/10/2011 13:38

OP - I think you need to care less about your partner's ex thinks and more on concentrating on your child and future marriage.

runningwilde · 07/10/2011 13:41

Totally agree with karma and Abby, there have some awful assumptions on here and the sneering is disgusting. Wade through the idiotic advice op and get to the sensible advice. I too agree about going ahead with the wedding.

Do your own christening celebration - that will piss the ex off! Grin

SpectralHarrassmentPandaPop · 07/10/2011 13:43

Yeah make sure you invite the ex to your celebration and do it on a day that she absolutely cannot come Grin

RedHelenB · 07/10/2011 13:44

I just don't get the need for a child to be at the wedding of either parent. A christening is welcoming THE CHILD into the church & is obviously more important to the child themselfs.