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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that partners baby's Mother is getten their baby Christened the weekend were getting Married?

300 replies

19111990 · 06/10/2011 20:21

Well me and my partner are getting married in 5 weeks. His baby mum knows this and decided to do the christing the same weekend.

Her problem is the fact he didnt tell him and she had to find out from someone else, so when she found out about this she decided to do the christening the same weekend. She is doing it out of spite in my opion. another problem is me and her dont get along so we dont speak. The reason he never told him himself is because he dont want to speak to her unless it is to do with the baby.

I am on two minds on putting the wedding back! The poeple i have spoke to about it tell me I shouldnt put it back because that will be giving her what she want's. Ijust dont to be making thing's worst between them two and dont want him missing out on the baby's Christening!

Any advice on what i should do about it please?

OP posts:
MrMan · 07/10/2011 07:37

Quick internet shows that registry offices do in fact open on Sundays.

FFS, what is wrong with the people on this thread criticizing OP's spelling? Some people are dyslexic. Some people do not have the best access to education. Some people have more important things to worry about.

OP - hope this works out for you and that you enjoy your wedding day.

LoveInAColdClimate · 07/10/2011 07:37

I don't think it was an offensive question, Incognito, assuming that you're talking to MaryPoppins. I think the OP would have received a lot more sympathy for the style of her posts if she was writing them in a second language, and it may be that she hasn't thought to mention that fact.

altinkum · 07/10/2011 07:42

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MrMan · 07/10/2011 07:43

Love are you fucking serious? Why the hell should spelling mistakes reduce your sympathy for what is clearly a young woman in a challenging situation?

altinkum · 07/10/2011 07:49

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LoveInAColdClimate · 07/10/2011 07:50

I very clearly said sympathy for the style of her posts, MrMan. As has been commented on numerous times in this thread, the OP's writing style is difficult to read which has led to misunderstandings of her position which has irritated people. I think most people would switch from irritated to impressed if she is in fact doing the equivalent of me explaining a complex domestic situation in Italian! I think most posters sympathise with her position but many have found her writing style tricky.

HowToLookGoodGlaikit · 07/10/2011 07:50

Ah, so perfect spelling = more sympathy? Poor education/dyslexic = sod off, we dont care? Hmm

incognitofornow · 07/10/2011 07:51

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incognitofornow · 07/10/2011 07:53

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MrMan · 07/10/2011 07:57

Love I hate to break this to you but this is your problem, not hers. Most specifically, your problem is that unless you are speaking to someone who speaks the same way as you, you become irritated instead of empathetic. You decide to criticize them instead of trying to understand their position through their language. Worst of all, you decide that the language is worthy of more attention than the fundamental issues facing the OP.

In short: you are being offensive and narrow-minded in this situation.

catinboots · 07/10/2011 08:01

Sorry - can't be arsed to read whole thread.

Have we established if this is a wind up or not? Smile

EricNorthmansMistress · 07/10/2011 08:05

The OP's situation is not that unusual - both have DCs from previous r'ships, getting married, ex of groom is unhappy about it. I know more than one lovely middle class couple where the ex has done nastier things than this to the new partner of their DC's other parent, but because this OP doesn't have fantastic grammar and is young - she's called the Jeremy Kyle generation and sent to netmums! Fucking nest of vipers indeed.

OP, since your DP is not religious and his DD is so young just forget about the christening. It's irrelevant really. It's a massive shame she can't come to your wedding but it's the ex's doing, and you can't change your wedding date.

LoveInAColdClimate · 07/10/2011 08:06

MrMan, have you actually read any of my posts other than the two above defending MaryPoppins and then myself, in which I have sympathised with the OP and offered helpful advice?

And sadly, both on MN and in real life, the same problem set out clearly and again inarticulately does often lead to a different response - I think the OP would have received a different reaction had she written in the style of Nancy Mitford.

I'm sorry that I (amongst many others) raised the stylistic issues, however, as I don't want to derail the OP's thread when she does have a real problem.

LoveInAColdClimate · 07/10/2011 08:08

Oh, in my irritation I forgot to say good luck to the OP - I hope you get the wedding you want and hopefully in the longer term a more workable relationship with your DSD's mother.

MrMan · 07/10/2011 08:19

Actually LoveInAColdClimate I have read the entire thread very carefully and you have offered no helpful advice at all. In fact you have criticized the OP in every post you have made.

LoveInAColdClimate · 07/10/2011 08:26

MrMan, I can't quote as on iPhone and it takes too long, but that is untrue.

I am vanishing now as have to do some work but good luck again, OP.

Moominsarescary · 07/10/2011 09:10

So from what I'm getting

You and dp have booked your wedding

Dp and exp don't talk so dp mother has informed ex of wedding

Ex has taken the hump and said dd can't go and is trying to arrange christing for the same date

If so yanbu , plenty of people don't talk to their exp even when children are involved. The exp has been informed by another family member who she does speak too and is being stroppy . I don't think there is anything you can do but carry on with the wedding, it's very unlikely she will be able to arrange the christening for the same day and it doesn't look like she well let dd go to the wedding even if you rebook

My exp did domething similar even though we were talking at the time. He decided on a wedding date that clashed with our family holiday abroad for my mums 50 th and refused to change it even though nothing was booked. Ds was 12 at the time and we all decided to change the date of the holiday so he could be at his dads wedding, even though it cost us all a fair bit of money as it ment us flying on a bank holiday.

The nobber then left his dp 4 weeks before the wedding. Some people are just arses because they can be

GalaxyWeaver · 07/10/2011 09:33

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babyheavingmassofmaggots · 07/10/2011 09:50

I've just read through it all and it seems pretty clear. Also round where I live any young child is a baby although baby and toddler are interchangeable. I refer to my youngest DC as a baby as does my friend. For shame. I shall have to remember how wrong it is.

Incognito is right that there were massive assumptions made at the beginning that as this woman was marrying someone who already had a child that he must be feckless, she must be the other woman and his ex must be some poor beleaguered martyr putting up with their dreadful behaviour. Added to that mix was the snobbery and folk suggesting Jeremy Kyle and Mumsnet looks rather unpleasant.

Surprisingly, not all mothers act in their child's best interests. I have at first hand witnessed some pretty vile behaviour from people using their children as weapons. For every unpleasant father there can be an unpleasant mother as well.

OP - as incognito said, get married, have a wonderful day and then have a celebration separately with your DSD. Also come to the SP board as you'll find support there.

AbsDuWolef · 07/10/2011 09:50

OP - good work on sticking this thread out, despite all the snearing comments.

It sounds like a really, really tough situation, but I'm sure you'll be fine - enjoy your wedding and have a great day.

boohoohoo · 07/10/2011 10:02

Op, in my experience as a step parent you will have to 'ride the storm' for now, it sounds as though whatever date you set your partners ex will have a problem and arrangesomething so your partners daughter will not be able to attend.

Give it time, she sounds as though she could be using the daughter as a weapon, theres very little you can do, however, what you and your partner need to do is to remain calm at all times and never enter into this 'game', time will pass and the chances are she will mellow and remember what is best for the daughter if that makes sense. Your partner may need to see a solicitor though if she is being difficult with contact.

If you want your step daughter at your wedding you may need to wait, and as for the christening as none of you are religious I would write it off as hard as that may be for your partner.

Please also ignore the vipers on here, their opinions are worthless, if you want to discuss anything else the step parents board is very friendly and advice good.

Best of luck.

boohoohoo · 07/10/2011 10:04

Oo meant to say, if you go ahead with the wedding have a wonderful day.

slimbo · 07/10/2011 10:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AWimbaWay · 07/10/2011 10:08

I am Shock at the blatant snobbery on this thread. The op's grammar may not be the best but I personally found all her posts perfectly comprehensible.

19111990, Go ahead with your wedding as planned, perhaps with a smaller family celebration with your partner's child at a later date. Congratulations on your upcoming marriage and have an amazing day Smile.

fedupofnamechanging · 07/10/2011 10:09

Firstly, my dd is 4 and I still refer to her as 'the baby' sometimes. I still think of my 14 year old as my baby too, I just try not to say it within earshot of him!

I have read this entire thread and have had no problem in understanding anything the OP has said. If some of you are struggling, it says more about your comprehension skills than it does about the OP.

I feel really sorry for the OP. She is upset and has come here for help and advice. AIBU, is a place for posters to give straightforward advice, not be spiteful and pick on someone because their grammar isn't perfect. Shame on some of you.

OP, go ahead with your wedding and have a wonderful day. I think that if you cancelled, you would be playing into the hands of your partner's ex. She clearly wants to disrupt your wedding. Don't give her that power and control over your lives.

Ask once again if dsd can attend the wedding, but if she says no, then accept it and move on. In years to come it will be the mother who has to answer questions from her child regarding why she wasn't allowed to attend her dad's wedding and why her christening was held on the same day as dad's wedding, when the wedding was booked first.

You can't control the behaviour of his ex, only your own response to it.

Have a wonderful day x

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