to feel resentment over cliquey parents at school

[MothInMyKecks]

Just left a kiddie's party, 4-5, where my little one was the only one to turn up. , and he had a broken wrist so couldn't exactly join in on the bouncy castle. Birthday boy is 5 today and his little face broke my heart. He bounced madly for the best part of half the party whilst me and his Mum made small talk.

I know, I just fucking know that the clique of parents in this class made a decision to not go, because the child is a bit messy, doesn't speak (elective mute), his mother is a bit of a loner, he has no Dad, they're a bit skint. FFS, it was a party and no other kid turned up. I know some parents had to work etc, but I know this class and their parents and many fuckers decided to not go because he's not in the clique. Twating parents. If they could only have seen his face. I never imagined a 5 year old could be humiliated, but I saw it written all over his little face.

And his mother is brassick, totally skint, yet she'd paid out good money to pay for this. Table was laden with food and no fucker turned up.

Sorry - no doubt will get a flaming by some, but I don't feel the need to don a flame proof coat or hat because I'm boiling with anger already

When first read the op I thought no way people can't be that horrid can they to not even RSVP a no?

But have then thought back to my own situation...
I joined an Nct group so 5 of us. When it was dd1's 1st bday we held a party for her more family than anything else and I wanted to invite Nct group but not enough space. I told them so and 3 of them said with smirks on their faces that they would be away. Fair enough I thought.
A put up photos on fb of dd party which rocked of course and 2 of them mumbled something like was that you in the pictures? I had dressed up.

Now going through this thread I now realise they would have stood up the party.

Also when it was dd1's 3rd party I invited 2 of them as 2 have now have moved away.

1 was gracious enough to RSVP yes the other snotty mare rsvpd txt msg yes 30 mins before the party was to start and turned up 1 hr 30 mins late....

She looked like a pratt...
I had also chased an RSVP from her at least 3 times.

I would love to name and shame her on here but would prob get banned.

Oh and I know why the Nct group didn't like me
I was different
I was less educated then them, even though I have a degree
I was younger
I was a Sahm
I co sleeped
I bf over 6 months
I didn't/don't have much money so couldn't holiday 3 times a year
And my pfb was the brightest and did everything 1st out if the babies in the group

Riven, you've said in the past that she's been invited to parties but you were unable to get her there without a car. Now that you have one, perhaps it's worth doing school pick-up one day, inviting someone round and getting the word out that you can now travel; you may find the invitations start coming in again then when people know that you won't have to automatically say no.

ElaineReese, and others - I think it's patronising if it's done in a 'I'm lowering myself to your level' kind of way, and it's very easy for it to be interpreted in that way. Therefore, I wouldn't blame the OP if she ignored, as I would struggle to present it to the Mum, myself.

Still, it's a shame when people are so often discouraged from offering random hands of friendship, for fear of coming across as condescending or patronising. It's just an opportunity to meet, and this is the age of social networking after all! Why can't we use it to replace some of that old 'community spirit'.

I wasn't offering pity - but expressing sorrow for what must be a very painful memory in the making, for an innocent 5yo, and a genuine wish to do something proactive, because I'd simply like to - instead of just feeling so sad and helpless.

Btw, I have spent the past two and a half decades working with adults with learning disabilities, and understand about stigma and exclusion - and yes, some of the most interesting, big-hearted and most genuine people I've ever met have had 'special needs', and I know my children's lives will be all the richer for not buying into so much of the crap that goes on about 'fitting in'.

Anyway, as it's been pointed out, it's a moot point as he's up Wrexham way, so nowhere near me, unfortunately (cheers, unfitmother)!

I actually don't think it is necessarily a very painful memory for a 5 year old, although it could be, depends how it was handled by the mum and how aware the child is at 5 of what parties are like. It's a shame she didn't cancel, it wouldn't have been the first birthday party to have been cancelled, like I said, we were invited to two that were and it was presented positively to the child as a chance to do something else with family/few other friends, not as a big disaster. The child was told that one very special friend was coming (us!), not that lots of people didn't want to come to the party.

I personally wouldn't go ahead with something like a big after-school party (which is quite unusual timing anyway) without a definite yes from, say, 8/10 people (out of 31). I have 'minimised' my children's expectations as well, when it looked one year like numbers were very sparse.

But, very sad that the mum would have to do all that, and I'm sure she would be gutted.

It's difficult when so few people bother to RSVP, I've had parties were I've had no idea who's coming.
People can not reply but turn up anyway!

Haven't read the whole thread but I find it hard to believe there would be planned snub. In my kids classes not all the parents know or even talk to each other and at the age of 5 many haven't had a chance to get that cliquey and to know each other. Some invites might have went astray, some might not have been able to make it, some have last minute issues. That still leaves quite a few parents/children - I really don't see them all standing round conniving or contacting each other to not go to this party. Maybe I'm just naive.

Blimey, got home about an hour ago, checked into see this has risen to a huge amount of posting. Thanks to you all for taking the time to reply, and to care.

Here's what I've done...

Little boy in question + Mum was nowhere to be seen at the school. I waited and waited, but they didn't show. I wanted to doubly check for certain that no-one else showed up after we left before wading in. I called into the premises that held his party on the way home and asked the chap in charge if anyone else had showed and he confirmed that apart from a few older guests, there were no other children at the party. Even he was shaking his head sadly

So, armed with a fresh amount of venom, I got to school just before 3 and waited. One Mum who I know works everyday but a Friday told me that she'd RSVP'd but the mobile number on the invite was wrong. Another Mum joined us and admitted that she hadn't replied to say that she wouldn't attend - apparently, her boy was pushed around by this boy when they were in nursery together. Another Mum who is a pretty regular church-goer said she didn't have a contact number written on the invite, but hadn't actually approached the Mum of the birthday boy on the yard to say anything.

I'm just sorry that I didn't see any more parents that I knew, but those I did see were made very aware of the shame they had brought on this poor child. I can't believe that no-one else went, and even if there was a bit of a bodge job on the invites, or even if the Mum was crap at sorting RSVP's, I still find it incredibly, incredibly cruel that such indifference was shown on such a mass scale to this boy.

I'm actually disappointed that I didn't have a way of venting my anger on someone about it tbh - whether that's a failing of mine I don't know. It's possible that I just wanted to rant at someone, but the opportunity didn't come up. Yes, parents were working, yes, others had plans, yes, little Johnny had to go to the dentist etc, but for a whole class to not show? I see DS's class teacher every Saturday morning at the footie and there is no way I'm letting this go unnoticed by the school. I will be telling her too.

When I've sent out class invites, even when asking to RSVP, I always try and confirm verbally with the parents so I know that there is no misunderstanding or invites gone astray as you need to know numbers to cater for etc.

Well, there is an explanation then, really. It was a week night (so not convenient for most working parents), the numbers on the invite were wrong or didn't have a contact number on, the mum didn't check/go up to anyone in the playground/do a headcount, and the child is not that well-liked due to pushing around other childen.

These could all be excuses, of course, but I am finding it slightly harder to find to match this to the concerted cruel witch-hunt against a little boy with SN. It's more likely that a combination of factors conspired to make sure no-one came (if indeed everyone was invited).

I would mention it at the school, but not sure guilting everyone is the right way forward or particularly fair (esp. those working, what are they supposed to do, take an afternoon off work to take them to an after-school party and cancel their usual childminder/after-school care which is paid for in advance).

Bonsoir posted on mn a while back desperately concerned that her step kids might be at risk of slipping a rung on the social ladder because they'd put on a kilo or so in weight. She was desperately trying to enforce a strict regime to address this terrible 'problem'. So I wouldn't take her views on raising a family too seriously.

well done you op! I hope you talking to the other parents makes a change in the future. Not so much deliberate nastiness but thoughtlessness in the extreme.

I feel just so sad for this little boy...awful.

that apart from a few older guests, there were no other children at the party

Who were the older guests? Do you mean adults? At least it wasn't just the boy, your dc and his mum I suppose. I think I would of made a fuss about how lucky they were to get the whole bouncy castle to themselves (whilst inwardly crying)

I think you are right to make the school aware.

oh dear callmemers no we can't have that can we, putting on a bit of weight, that would just not do

i have not read all the thread but your post really pulled at my heartstrings my own son has a language disorder and when he was 4/5 no one could understand a word he said but none of the other parents in his class have ever treated him like that, he was always invited to parties,for tea and everyone always turned up to his parties if anything the parents were always lovely to him and still are now he is 12.those parents should be damned ashamed of themselves children who have speach problems do not need their confidence knocking futher.

:( has just fucking nasty.
My ds1(5) gets lits of unvutes. Somwtimes we can go other times weccant. I always rsvp. Sometimes I wont know the parent and sometimes have to ask ds who x Is and if they are a boy or girl. some names are hard to work out if boy or girl.

Poor little mite.

YANBU. If those children become bullies/spiteful like this later on in life the parents have no one but to blame but themselves for setting the example that bullying and spiteful behaviour, by exclusion/snubbing and humiliation, is right.

You get people who are cliquey; those at the 'head' who have insecurity issues and need to 'control' others and what little they can in life around them. And then the 'sheep' who fawn, or sometimes pretend to, over the 'clique leaders', either to kiss ass or in the hopes they/their child won't be excluded.

All you can do is teach your kids that that behavior is wrong and immature at best, bullying at worst. Personally, I wouldn't have anything to do with those parents and I'd let your child decide (after explaining right/wrong of this behaviour) whether they want to associate with the kids. Chances are the kids of those parents are getting the short straw here too by being set that bad example.

"the numbers on the invite were wrong or didn't have a contact number on"

I don't think this at all likely - certainly far less likely than someone clutching at straws to make excuses. Would someone have mis-written every single invitation? Would it be that difficult, even if you found an error or omission on an invitation, to get in touch another way? For example, during the school run?

Some caught up in immoveable after school childcare arrangements is probably part of the picture - but most people have some flexibility built in, or can child-swop when there is a special event. I really don't think logistics can account for this mass boycott.