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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel resentment over cliquey parents at school

421 replies

MothInMyKecks · 06/10/2011 17:39

Just left a kiddie's party, 4-5, where my little one was the only one to turn up. Angry, and he had a broken wrist so couldn't exactly join in on the bouncy castle. Birthday boy is 5 today and his little face broke my heart. He bounced madly for the best part of half the party whilst me and his Mum made small talk.

I know, I just fucking know that the clique of parents in this class made a decision to not go, because the child is a bit messy, doesn't speak (elective mute), his mother is a bit of a loner, he has no Dad, they're a bit skint. FFS, it was a party and no other kid turned up. I know some parents had to work etc, but I know this class and their parents and many fuckers decided to not go because he's not in the clique. Twating parents. If they could only have seen his face. I never imagined a 5 year old could be humiliated, but I saw it written all over his little face.

And his mother is brassick, totally skint, yet she'd paid out good money to pay for this. Table was laden with food and no fucker turned up.

Sorry - no doubt will get a flaming by some, but I don't feel the need to don a flame proof coat or hat because I'm boiling with anger already Sad

OP posts:
porcamiseria · 07/10/2011 14:27

I bet Bonsior is a fat chav living in Dunstable laughing at us all! Paris, meh

Fluffymonster · 07/10/2011 14:27

MothInMyKecks - This story has really haunted me. The thought of that little 5yo boy's face is so upsetting! I'm still thinking about him a day later, bouncing around on the bouncy castle all on his own.

Whereabouts is he? Is he anywhere near Cardiff? If so, I don't know if you're in a position to tell his mum, and it's a bit random, but I would love to introduce my two DCs (age 2 and 4) to him, and go on a playdate somewhere - if Mum is skint a local park will do, or maybe a little meal somewhere. Belated birthday cards and present included. It would be an absolute pleasure/honour, I would so love to do this.

Jamillalliamilli · 07/10/2011 14:28

Bonsoir, (not aggravated btw) the rest of the world needs to learn about differences too, and they wont by excluding people. Some problems can?t be changed and I?ll take so called condescension over my children?s exclusion any day!

The lad who?s been to our ?studio flat? now understands why mine sometimes smell of cooking and stands up against the common claim that we're dirty, and his parents love it because he?s been more appreciative of having his own room. He's also discovered seriously brain damaged sibling is quite harmless and even speakable to.

Neither excluded nor excludee?s learn anything positive in your world.

BakeliteBelle · 07/10/2011 14:35

Maybe it was a misunderstanding? Sorry, don't have time to read through. My DS (sn) had a party and lots of people turned up. A few years on, he had another party and only one fucker turned up. These were other kids with SN as well, not mainstream kids. I still don't know if noone got the invitations or noone could be bothered to answer.

It was a learning curve and I will double check all invitations and put a little note politely stressing the importance of replying next time. The OP can help by keeping on friendly terms with this woman and her DS and inviting her to tea, perhaps with other parents so they can become less nervous around him if that is the issue.

Why presume it is a clique thing? (Sorry, as I said, no time to read fully)

LittlePumpkinHead · 07/10/2011 14:42

God feeling emotional today anyway so really shouldn't be reading this at work. It's reduced me to tears.

I have this fear with DD (only 2.5 at the moment) but I remember that feeling of social exclusion when I was little and how it really affected my confidence all throughout my schooling. I was the one without the pretty flowery invitation that everyone else was waving around.

I'd never ever ever create a situation where I could make a child feel that way.

Just want to hug the little boy :(

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 07/10/2011 14:43

Fluffymonster Whereabouts is he? Is he anywhere near Cardiff? If so, I don't know if you're in a position to tell his mum, and it's a bit random, but I would love to introduce my two DCs (age 2 and 4) to him, and go on a playdate somewhere - if Mum is skint a local park will do, or maybe a little meal somewhere. Belated birthday cards and present included. It would be an absolute pleasure/honour, I would so love to do this.

That is so sweet! I would do that too. Let us know where he is OP!

ElaineReese · 07/10/2011 14:48

Oh look, I don't want to come over all Bonsoir-y but that's a bit much, surely? What's OP going to say - I've posted about your tragic kid all over the internet, and now I have some pity-play-dates for you?

Sorry, I know your intentions are good, but that is going rather far, surely?

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 07/10/2011 14:51

How utterly awful of those parents, what utter snobs they must be.

porcamiseria · 07/10/2011 14:58

agree with elaine, how the fuck can she propose that to the mum!!!!!

Pagwatch · 07/10/2011 15:00

Oh no. Step back from the get together.

There is no way to set that up without being incredibly patronising.

Jamillalliamilli · 07/10/2011 15:12

I agree. The only way you could pull that of is incredibly discretely and longer term.

unfitmother · 07/10/2011 15:30

Whereabouts is he? Is he anywhere near Cardiff?

OP has already said they're near Wrexham, no, that's not anywhere near.

WilsonFrickett · 07/10/2011 15:34

There's nothing I can add that hasn't been said already, that poor wee kid Sad. Thankfully my DS (SN) birthday is in the summer holidays so I have an excuse not to do whole class parties and can manage things a bit more carefully for him. I find it fucking disgusting that I have to, though.

Hopefully OP will update when she gets back from work.

Pendeen · 07/10/2011 15:48

Another YANBU from me (plus a tear or two).

That poor little boy! :(

winniethepug · 07/10/2011 15:48

Now I can't sleep (in Hong Kong) because I can't stop thinking about this. It's so sad! Why can't people be kind to each other?! That poor little boy - I hope he doesn't remember this.

PeachesandStrawberry · 07/10/2011 16:00

That's terrible.

I hope that those horrid people get torn a strip off for that.

JamieComeHome · 07/10/2011 16:07

Bonsoir - it's really really easy to hold the opinions you hold when you don't have a child who doesn't "fit in".

But some of the nicest and most interesting children I know don't quite fit in. But their lives are made harder by people who are so obsessed with fitting in that they can't reach out to understand or accomodate anyone different.

A child who is having social or emotional difficulties simply cannot change unless they are confident and their self-esteem is raised by the respect of other people.

Good post Elaine

And wisdom from pag as usual

JamieComeHome · 07/10/2011 16:10

and everyone else who I now see I have echoed ..

MrsVoltar · 07/10/2011 16:14

I think it was very sad circumstances.

But, my DS was invited to 2 parties in the school hols and couldn't attend either due to ill health, after previously agreeing to attend. I texted last minute messages to say he couldn't come. What if that happened to all others invited?

Don't understand really why she (the mum) went ahead with such a big party unless had replies saying lots of children were going to attend Confused

CardyMow · 07/10/2011 16:21

Same thing happened to DD on her 5th birthday. I actually moved her school because of it - so, if anyone on here had children at St. Andrews Infants School, in Reception 8 years ago, that were invited to a party, told the mother your children were coming, and then didn't turn up -

YOU ARE A BUNCH OF HEARTLESS BASTARDS !.

Happens all the time when you have dc with SN - even more so if you're a bit poor.

FUCKERS. Angry

JamieComeHome · 07/10/2011 16:23

Bonsoir - I have now read the last few pages and see that your step DC has been excluded. Apologies for missing that.

I do see that children sometimes need to be helped to change, but I stand by what I said about that not happening unless they are supported. A child of 5 has a long hard road to developing the necessary self-esteem and self-acceptance if their early experiences are so rejecting.

AKMD · 07/10/2011 16:35

A' la lanterne les aristos!

nailak · 07/10/2011 17:07

waits fir the op to come and tell us about ruckus in playground

Sevenfold · 07/10/2011 17:22

poor little lad and mum
makes me so glad dd is not in ms

CardyMow · 07/10/2011 17:22

So, Bonsoir - how do you propose I 'fix' my DD's social skills problems - considering that one of her SN is a social skills disability - she has Autistic Spectrum Disorder. When she was 5yo, she also had very little speech - because she is partially deaf. She had motor skills delays due to hypermobility syndrome.

Should I just not have bothered trying to throw her a party EVER? She knew about parties - like the OP's friends' dc, she had been at school nursery since 3yo - plenty long enough for bitchy cliques to have formed.As she knew other people's dc had parties (that she was never invited to), DD wanted to have one.

Moved school - invited whole class for her 6th birthday but didn't tell DD. Everyone came. When I moved house and had to move to my current primary - invited everyone for her 7th birthday- only 3 came. Since then, DD has not ever had a proper 'party', I have just done something with her and two friends. DD is over 13 years old now - and has not had a proper birthday party since she was 7yo.

DS2 also has asd - but until this year, it wasn't a problem. However - I made an effort to befriend the poor (emotionally and financially) mum in his year group whose DS has ADHD, and have lost quite a few friends since then. When my Ex-P walked out 4 months ago - the rest followed. DS2 didn't even get an invite to HIS BEST FRIENDS' BIRTHDAY PARTY THIS YEAR. That is NOT going to be from his best friend, is it?! I'm now worried about DS2's birthday in November - because of his best friend, people have always turned up before. Now the 'cliquey' mums no longer talk to me...who's to say this isn't going to happen to DS2.

Bonsoir - your attitude just REEKS of elitism. "OH, DD, you don't want to go to X's party because X's parent is poor - OK, you wouldn't enjoy yourself anyway". "Oh, DD, you don't want to go to Y's party because Y cannot talk very well - OK, Y should learn to talk properly then" FFS attitudes like your are the reason my DD STILL cries about her 5th birthday party, even 8 FUCKING YEARS LATER.