to feel resentment over cliquey parents at school

[MothInMyKecks]

Just left a kiddie's party, 4-5, where my little one was the only one to turn up. , and he had a broken wrist so couldn't exactly join in on the bouncy castle. Birthday boy is 5 today and his little face broke my heart. He bounced madly for the best part of half the party whilst me and his Mum made small talk.

I know, I just fucking know that the clique of parents in this class made a decision to not go, because the child is a bit messy, doesn't speak (elective mute), his mother is a bit of a loner, he has no Dad, they're a bit skint. FFS, it was a party and no other kid turned up. I know some parents had to work etc, but I know this class and their parents and many fuckers decided to not go because he's not in the clique. Twating parents. If they could only have seen his face. I never imagined a 5 year old could be humiliated, but I saw it written all over his little face.

And his mother is brassick, totally skint, yet she'd paid out good money to pay for this. Table was laden with food and no fucker turned up.

Sorry - no doubt will get a flaming by some, but I don't feel the need to don a flame proof coat or hat because I'm boiling with anger already

When I first arrived in our lovely town, newborn in tow, knowing no one in the county, a total stranger at school asked me round to her house for coffee. I went, feeling nervous about whether I'd manage to breastfeed in front of a bunch of strangers. It turned out all the people there were new to town and schools well, this lovely woman had picked us out as lost souls who needed a friend. She told me that when she had moved here she had experienced open hostility from people at school saying, 'out comers' were 'stealing local jobs'. Her dad had died a few months before like mine had so we had a good cry too!

So now 10 years on, I'm the wierdo who 'poaches' new people at school, to meet others. I've just had coffee with an American and an Indian woman, who are the latest outcomers!

I feel there's not much anyone can do about other people's behaviour, but being helped myself when I moved made me want to do the same for other people in the future.

So ask a 'new girl' round to counterbalance the excluding behaviour described by OP.

I feel so sad for the child. DD just had a party and I invited everyone in the class. I keep imagining how it would have been if only one turned up. Poor child.

But, Loony, we can't all go to every party every week just in case the birthday child is upset.

I think it's more a question of really being honest with yourself about the reasons you don't want your child to attend (which may or may not be valid) and being very careful not to inadvertently (or on purpose) exclude children who may need the hand of friendship. It would have only taken a few more people not to go straight home for this party to have been fine (I once held a party in an inconvenient place and less than a third turned up).

what nasty bitch bullies the other parents are. I would actually have to say something to the lot of them.

I want to cry for that poor little boy. he will never forget that party.

"No-one is required to like everyone, and it is best to learn early in life that not everyone will like you either."

There is a difference between not being liked by some people and being socially rejected by everyone. There is a difference between social neglet and active social rejection.

I suspect that it is mother who has been socialy rejected rather than the child. However the child will suffer long term pychartic consequences.

I'd also point out that for many working parents, they simply can't nip off work early to take their child home, then out to a party after school. If mine are in after-school club that day, and I can't take the time off, they don't go. I don't think this excuses all 29, but I think it's a bit wrong to accuse all of them of blatant prejudice against the child, even the OP knows some were working and it's not the most convenient time to have a whole class party (I have been to about 20, and never ever a bouncy castle type one immediately after school- they are always weekend ones).

None of my kids are invited to lots of parties - I don't think I'm that odd though! DS1 in particular went to very few at primary school. I know some of the other boys' mums now and I can't believe that none of them ever thought ' poor DS1 never gets invited, lets invite him this time'. It was like we were invisible :(
Parties are foul and horrible things IMO

I agree with hardgoing that weektime parties are not the best particularly as they are probably in P1 and exhausted anyway, but if they could not attend it takes all of two minutes to text and say that DC is not coming in advance.

It's the apparently calculated nature of this that is so sad, why on earth would none of the parents have responded, it's beyond low to let down someones child and put the mother to the expense of providing for a party.

Fucking horrible cunting nasty bastards!!!!!
And these are supposed to be adults?!?!
Karma will get them in the end :)

True Hardgoing, true.

I s'pose, speaking for myself, if I knew that the invite came from a quieter child, a quieter mother, then I'd make a point of going. If only for them to feel appreciated. Oh I don't know.

Bonsoir, do you mean your posts to be as offensive as they are coming across?

is it some kind of "i only wan to be friends with people like me" sort of racism/classism/abilitism? Yes, I think it is, a sort of; I am what I wear, I am who I gather with.

I?ve been told that some of the mums that shunned us found the difference in what they had and what we had, embarrassing. It was said as an understandable excuse.

The head suggested ?we would be more comfortable in a school with people more like us? (in other words council estate, lone parents, low income, stay in your ghetto. )

I?ve also been told that their children had busy lives and some felt a party hosted by us ?wouldn?t be worth going? to.

The most painful thing was when after school music lessons moved from school to a parents home, and the other parents gathered for coffee at pick up, but I was left outside while the others got invited in past me. So I either took away one of the few things I could give my children, or took the humiliation.

One day it was absolutely dropping it down, and one well meaning mum nipped out with an umbrella for me, before going back to the others. I was and remain grateful for the act of humanity, though it highlighted the ?officialness? of my position, but struggle not to cry recounting it now.

We've learnt now that we?re nothing but an embarrassment and in the way, but when we gave up with school or trying to join in any more, there was a collective shocked ?you can?t do that? and an assumption that rejecting those that had rejected us was unacceptable!
It?s weird that we should, it seems, be expected to accept what Smallwhitecat rightly described as pariah status.

The tone of this thread is highly condescending and I find that, as the stepmother of an "excluded" child, very offensive. No-one in their right mind wants their child included because parents have colluded to make their DCs include him/her. That is no preparation for life and, IMVHO, that parental attitude sets small excluded children up for bullying in later life.

Yes Bonsoir, bullied by your children I should imagine.

It is the job of any decent parent to try to foster and encourage empathy and pleasantness in their offspring - which 4 and 5 year olds do sometimes need some help with.

If a child comes home and says 'x has invited me to his party but I don't like him cos he's weird and no-one else likes him so it will be awful', then surely to god you don't say 'well that's fair enough, and mollycoddling x by pretending to like him is not right. let's not go, I expect his mother won't notice if we don't even RSVP'. You say 'now come on, that's not very nice and just imagine how you would feel if no-one wanted to come to your party'.

"No-one is required to like everyone, and it is best to learn early in life that not everyone will like you either."

Wow bonsoir. Sounds like personal experience. With an attitude like yours no wonder you learnt early that "not everyone will like you."

Bonsoir, if children are brought up together properly when young they don't get excluded early and stand a chance of developing enough skills to be accepted by some, at least, later.

This thread is very painful. All you condescending parents have no clue about the damage your attitude has to children who are excluded. All you do is self-congratulate about how magnanimous you are; this is one of the most ill-informed back-patting threads I have ever read on MN (and there are lots of them).

So what is the answer? Change the child so they are more acceptable to others? Bit hard when people are excluding your child for SN or poverty. If they are being excluded because the child is a bit of an unpleasant tit then you may have a point.

Sorry, what is the damage caused by saying to a small child that perhaps they should give the less popular kid the benefit of the doubt and show up at a party they've been invited to - where perhaps they'll get to know him a bit better and challenge a few prejudices? That's the damaging thing is it - not remembering how not one child showed up to your party when you were five?

I will confess I found one post about sending the boy some sweeties from someone on the internet a little bit much, but for god's sake have a fucking heart, woman!

people definitely exclude just for SN..my DD is a lovely happy little thing.she also has autism and learning difficulties, she went to preschool for 1.5 years and got 2 party invites..she is definitely not an "unpleasant little sod".

Offensive? Seriously? Have you seen the posts of mums whose children have SN saying that it might be nice if sometimes somone would think, 'Oh, I never see x at parties, maybe we should invite him this time and make an effort'?

I would be devasted if DS never got any party invitations, not because I particularly want to spend my weekends ferrying to him parties but because of the hurt he would feel at having to listen to all the hype in the build-up to the party, and then everyone talking about it afterwards, and never being able to join in. No child is going to be invited to every single party, but it s very clear that some children never have invitations. That's pretty shocking. The thought of the same child making an effort to throw a party in an attempt to fit in and make friends and having no one show up is so horrifying I feel sick.

Jesus JGOWI

There really are some despicable cunts out there. Heartened somewhat by the overwhelming response on this thread though. Bonsoir provides some insight into the mentality of Mothers who would shun a young child's birthday party.

Bonsoir, you are also IMO talking nonsense.. I and my DD were very grateful for the two party invites my DD got, even if they had been offered in a condescending manner just to include my DD.

Have only read OP.
Those parents are fucking cunts.
That poor, poor boy and his mum.
God, had I been you OP, I'd have rung home and get DH to bring down my other 3 kids, plus some neighbours kids (with permission of course) just to make up the numbers.
That is so so sad and my heart absolutely weeps for that poor little boy.

Most kids of that age, will go to any party for any child even if they play with them or not (hence the sheer number of parties in reception).

It is unacceptably shitty behaviour and anyone defending this mass blank, is a cunt too.

Helping the child to change (and often that also means helping the parent to change) early on is critical. Otherwise the child spends several years being "included" by well-meaning but misguided "well wishers" who straighten their halos with their magnanimity, and the poor child gets settled in a situation that is not going to equip it for the harsh reality of life.

And then that child moves school (or whatever else), leaves its comfort zone and is the totally ill-equipped target of bullies etc.