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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel resentment over cliquey parents at school

421 replies

MothInMyKecks · 06/10/2011 17:39

Just left a kiddie's party, 4-5, where my little one was the only one to turn up. , and he had a broken wrist so couldn't exactly join in on the bouncy castle. Birthday boy is 5 today and his little face broke my heart. He bounced madly for the best part of half the party whilst me and his Mum made small talk.

I know, I just fucking know that the clique of parents in this class made a decision to not go, because the child is a bit messy, doesn't speak (elective mute), his mother is a bit of a loner, he has no Dad, they're a bit skint. FFS, it was a party and no other kid turned up. I know some parents had to work etc, but I know this class and their parents and many fuckers decided to not go because he's not in the clique. Twating parents. If they could only have seen his face. I never imagined a 5 year old could be humiliated, but I saw it written all over his little face.

And his mother is brassick, totally skint, yet she'd paid out good money to pay for this. Table was laden with food and no fucker turned up.

Sorry - no doubt will get a flaming by some, but I don't feel the need to don a flame proof coat or hat because I'm boiling with anger already

OP posts:

PumpkinBones · 07/10/2011 13:23

Bonsoir, as a parent I think it would be irresponsible of me to accept at face value my 5 year old son's opinions on everything. It isn't condescending to teach him or his brother consideration, kindness, manners and not to judge people on the basis of how they look. Yes, children do have to learn that not everyone they meet will like them, but they also have to learn that actually you often have to do things you might not want to do - how many of us have gone reluctantly to a social event when we'd really rather stay in, or spent the day at a course with a colleague we'd never really liked - only to be surprised by how much we had enjoyed ourselves? I would like my children to grow up to be decent adults who can treat everyone with respect, not spoiled big brats who think that "not liking" someone is license to behave poorly.

In this situation, it is shameful to try and absolve the other parents for their poor manners - which they are passing onto their children - by placing the blame on the social skills of the mother. Just shameful.

MrsHeffley · 07/10/2011 13:24

Sorry Whose,only read half the thread .

It's just heartbreaking isn't it,the thought of him bouncing all alone and his poor mum .

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 07/10/2011 13:26

I only read the OP Heffley so you did better then me!

JustinBoobie · 07/10/2011 13:26

FFS Bonsoir!!!!!!!!!!!

It's wrong to treat people in this way, SN or NOT. And you know it.

AvonCallingBarksdale · 07/10/2011 13:28

Right, have read the whole thread. I can't bear a child being ostracised in this way. Totally heartless and cruel and no way it came from the other pupils. DS and DD would go to the opening of an envelope! Where we are, it's very popular to have all-class parties in reception and often through to Yr1 - a great way to make friends and include everyone. Bonsoir this has not been your finest moment, and I think you've lost a great deal of respect and a little bit of dignity on this thread, but I don't imagine you're bothered in the slightest.

Pagwatch · 07/10/2011 13:33

This thread is becoming unintentionally hilarious.

It is not condescending to go to a childs birthday party and illustrate to your own child that differences are rarely as scary as they may seem.

It is not sensible as a parent to isolate your child until you feel that they have ( somehow) aquired sufficient social skills to 'fit in'.

It could not possibly have occurred to the parent in this op that all the parents were so inadequate that the idea of being in the company of someone who is slightly outside mainstream caused them to simply not turn up. And without the simple good manners to decline in an advance.

The sight of appalling manners and dubious behaviour being defended as a) an example of social nicety and b) a sensible way to bring up a child who has social difficulties is quite boggling.

It often amazes me that people who spout about manners seem to know a great deal about table settings and wine choices yet little about simple human curtesy, which is where most manners originate.
Manners should be about kindness and consideration to your fellow man. Not a get out of jail for being crass and rude.

Ghooooliuayelps · 07/10/2011 13:38

I see Bonsoir is still shit stirring.

TheSecondComing · 07/10/2011 13:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigsinmud · 07/10/2011 13:42

I can't imagine 29 parents would decide collectively to not let their children go to this boy's party. Bloody hell - 29 people agreeing. No way. There has to be another explanation. 29 invitations accepted and then not turning up. I just can't believe that.

TheSecondComing · 07/10/2011 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LaWeasel · 07/10/2011 13:45

Given that it was a school night OP reckoned there were only 15 or so who could have gone, in that there will of course be a few who couldn't make it for unexpected reasons... which leaves just a small enough number that yes, they could have decided en masse that if X wasn't going Y wouldn't either... so probably not as malicious as it looks.

But still totally cruel and thoughtless.

pamelat · 07/10/2011 13:45

I really can not believe that that this could or would happen?

Surely people RSVP?

If people have replied to say they were going, or not replied at all, then its disgusting, truely disgusting!!!

Reading other posts on here (not all of them) I cant beleive that SN would be a contributing factor. What idiots they are being (the parents). I feel for the poor boy.

AKMD · 07/10/2011 13:48

I thought manners were about setting other people at ease, not sniggering at them when they get confused about rules which are quite silly anyway. The Queen gets it .

pigsinmud · 07/10/2011 13:48

I admit I have read through this thread at speed. Ok - 15 or so, but did they actually accept the invitation?

onlylivinggirl · 07/10/2011 13:51

This is heartbreaking - the little boy should not have been in this position -at 5 he cannot learn a lesson from it and shouldn't have to.
I suspect/hope it wasn't an explicit agreement between the other parents but more a case of them following each other on an individual basis. However I think the little boy's mother should have acted to protect her little boy more - assuming the parents didn't actually reply yes and rather just didn't reply - surely she could have scaled down the party/cancelled it and made some excuse for him? OP has actually spoken to a couple of mums who had told the birthday mum that they couldn't come- maybe others had as well - I'm not at the birthday party stage yet but would be cautious at booking stuff until i knew for certain a diminimus number were coming

Pagwatch · 07/10/2011 13:53

Akmd
Yes, exactly. Manners are meant to be inclusive, to show all those with whom you interact that they are welcome and wanted. They give a framework for behaviour designed to help people behave in a way that can be anticipated so that everyone feels at ease.

Actually that is why so many people feel so uncomfortable around people with sn. They are too insecure socially to cope with the potential for unexpected or awkward behaviour. The embarrassment feels too daunting.

Unfortunately manners were seconded by people who like to use them as the means by which they signal their social standing and try to alienate and 'put in their place' those who don't know the rules.

LaWeasel · 07/10/2011 13:54

There was a whole table of food + the child was expecting more guests, so it is assumed so - you wouldn't make food or tell your DC kids were coming that weren't going to.

There is no lesson to be learnt here anyway Bonsoir - he is five, children really do not notice SEN at this age, and most will want to go to whatever party is on offer. There is no way it was all of those children's choice not to go.

Ephiny · 07/10/2011 14:00

I would think most children at that age would be happy to go along if there's party food and a bouncy castle, regardless of whose birthday it is! If there is a nasty 'clique' thing going on here, it's surely more likely to be on the part of the parents, than the kids.

Agree that if people just hadn't responded to the invitations, the mum was taking a bit of a risk in assuming lots would turn up (and making food accordingly). But we don't know that that's what happened (unless I missed that post) and in any case it was rude of people not to bother to even reply.

bunjies · 07/10/2011 14:01

But Bonsoir you are completely missing the point. This is not about whether the other children like the birthday child or not but one of manners. From the OP it sounds as if either the parents RSVPd then didn't bother turning up or just didn't bother to RSVP in the first place. Both of which are extremely rude things to do. There are ways in which you can refuse an invitation without it being hurtful. And the bad manners have come from the parents not the children as the children are not usually the ones who do the RSVPing - well not at this age anyway.

What a sad day for the little boy. I truly hope he never remembers it in years to come. I imagine his mother will though as Hecate has proven .

solittletime · 07/10/2011 14:01

Cliquey-ness is just a self-aggrandised form of sheep mentality. I bet if divided most of the individuals would feel pretty awful about it, except for the inevitable couple of clique leaders. It may be a good opportunity for most of the class parents to re-assess what is really important and what isn't. Or maybe I still have too much faith in humanity?

porcamiseria · 07/10/2011 14:02

CAN EVERYONE STOP GETTING AGGRAVATED WITH BONSOIR!!! its such a waste of energy and the planets resources!!!!

sloggies · 07/10/2011 14:09

I think people are assuming that Bonsoir, faced with the voice of reason and compassion, will suddenly start being reasonable. She appears something of a lost cause in this respect.

Pagwatch · 07/10/2011 14:11

That's a lot of exclamation marks there, Porca my dear.

Outblinkingrageous · 07/10/2011 14:11

This has really pd me off . It made me weep. I think he's just been a bit unlucky with the social group he's in at the moment. They started school less than 5 weeks ago so how many 'friends' can they have made fgs for them to start turning down invitations. If the parents excluded him due to his SN then I wouldn't even bother with them tbh again. Don't suck up to them by making a big deal about it (e.g. making them feel they are that b important) or acknowledge their stupid presence again. He's only in reception so will probably move into different classes (and definately meet better people). I'd concentrate only on those people who treat me and my child well. F them! I hope the mum doesn't use this to give up on birthday parties for her son forever but just nurture relationships with the better people first. Sending lots of hugs to the mum and her son.

AKMD · 07/10/2011 14:21

porca I would if his were the Reasonable & Rational (or something?) thread, but as this is AIBU it is my duty to fight to the death. Or until tea-time, whichever comes sooner.

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