to feel resentment over cliquey parents at school

[MothInMyKecks]

Just left a kiddie's party, 4-5, where my little one was the only one to turn up. , and he had a broken wrist so couldn't exactly join in on the bouncy castle. Birthday boy is 5 today and his little face broke my heart. He bounced madly for the best part of half the party whilst me and his Mum made small talk.

I know, I just fucking know that the clique of parents in this class made a decision to not go, because the child is a bit messy, doesn't speak (elective mute), his mother is a bit of a loner, he has no Dad, they're a bit skint. FFS, it was a party and no other kid turned up. I know some parents had to work etc, but I know this class and their parents and many fuckers decided to not go because he's not in the clique. Twating parents. If they could only have seen his face. I never imagined a 5 year old could be humiliated, but I saw it written all over his little face.

And his mother is brassick, totally skint, yet she'd paid out good money to pay for this. Table was laden with food and no fucker turned up.

Sorry - no doubt will get a flaming by some, but I don't feel the need to don a flame proof coat or hat because I'm boiling with anger already

the sad thing is my DD loves parties.

But Hardgoing they could have the courtesy to rsvp with a 'no they are not going' so the mum could have arranged something else like a day out at a theme park or cinema just the two of them to prevent this from happening?
I know you don't always get accurate numbers due to invites lost in bookbags, sickness etc.
But if what the OP says its true and accurate and they decided collectively to not go (for their ignorant reasons) then they should have said in advance.
Still not very nice of them but not as bad as what's happened.

Change how? So they don't have SN anymore? So they aren't poor and unattractive anymore? I'm sure the mother of this birthday child would love her child to start talking, and not just so he got invited to birthday parties.

Perhaps if the child receives a few invites out of kindness other people will start to change and realise they have qualities and value and the child will be included because they are actually wanted by their peers.

But Bonsoir many DC with SN simply won't be able to change will they?

And those that can perhaps improve their social skills will do it far more successfully from a position within their peer group, than excluded from it.
These things can often take a lot of time, if there are underlying problems.

How does socially excluding a child help them to develop social skills? That makes no sense whatsoever. Excluding a child who is poor or has SN is not going to suddenly make them wealthy and healthy.

How does socially excluding a child help them to develop social skills?

Perhaps as seen in an 80s chick flick they'll suddenly have a wardrobe make-over, new haircut and shed 20lbs whilst a Carly Simon power song plays in the background.

I am as disturbed as everyone about the horrible treatment of this wee boy.

Can I just say though, that not all schools treat those who are different this way. I used to work in a secondary school where one girl was very obviously and severely disabled. The children (young teenagers) were extremely loving and protective of her. Even the toughest, most intimidating of them, would go out of their way to open doors for her, help her with chairs, help her in more practical classes and socialise with her. They had clearly been taught tolerance and inclusion by their families and it was lovely to see.

I also taught a boy who was part of a huge family where the parents thoroughly neglected their kids. His neglect was so severe that, although he was partially deaf, they had never done anything about it, and he couldn't talk clearly. Again the kids were hugely protective and loving towards him. They actually asked for birthday party for him in registration one year - clearly knowing he would not get one any other way.

Kids are not inherently mean. It is parents who are ignorant, intolerant, insecure and mean.

I just wanted to share those experiences to rekindle our faith in humanity as the original story is so distressing.

Bonsoir you are being ridiculous and you must surely know it.

Bonsoir I can just imagine your reaction if no one turned up to your 5Y olds party.

"Well you know it's dog eat dog out there, cheer up at least they were all honest - right we need to work on your social skills missy..."

I think we need to be avety careful to differentiate between those children who our DC do not like because they clash, or they have nothing in common or whatever. I would never try to force a friendship there. Though I would still insist upon good mannners.

Thisis quite differnet to children with SN who our own children make not take to because of communication barreirs or behavioural quirks. I teach my children that this group cannot simply excluded, like it lump it. I expect, nay insist that my DC accommodate difference.

"Time to go to that Swiss finishing school, I'm afraid."

The child in the OP does not have a special need that cannot be addressed. On the contrary, he has an urgent need to have his SN addressed. I'm sure his mother meant well but her actions in organising this party were very misguided and were hardly going to get to the root cause of her child's problems. Instead, she has been instrumental in humiliating him.

how do you know she isn't having his selective mutism addressed? it's not like something you can fix overnight.

having a child's party= "instrumental in humiliating him"? WTF

I admit to making my dcs go to a birthday party (initially) against their wishes. When ds1 & 2 were about 7 and 8, they were at school with two brothers of the same age. Their mother was, to put it kindly, distinctly odd and more than a little heavy-going on a social basis but it turned out that she had a mother with serious MH issues. This meant that her life was a constant series of unpredictable and always difficult dramas that she had to sort out. She'd also had an awful and violent marriage and as a consequence, her children were very disturbed and could display some truly challenging behaviour.

One evening I was sorting through their school bags and found a crumpled invitation at the bottom of ds1's bag. It invited both him and ds2 to the younger brother's birthday party in a week's time. Normally my dcs were well up for a party so I was very surprised that they hadn't told me about this party. On being asked about the invitations they both pulled catsbum faces and said they didn't want to go because X and X were "horrible" and the party would be like Fight Club.

Knowing the past history I wasn't very sympathetic and suggested that, firstly, shunning these boys wasn't going to help them fit in and perhaps moderate some of their behaviour and secondly, that even if they didn't go to the party, it would be cruel and vile to just ignore the invitation. I asked them how they'd like it if they were sat at home with all the makings of a party around them waiting for invisible guests. Both my sons were very thoughtful about what I'd said, apologised and said they'd give the party a go.

I don't think it was the most successful party ever, tbh, but at least it was decently attended and nobody had their heart broken by the shocking knowledge that nobody could be bothered to turn up or even send apologies before the day. Because while it must be dreadful to have to cancel a party because of the lack of attendance it must be a million times worse to actually hold the party and realise, during the course of it, that nobody is going to turn up.

I'm welling up on his behalf. Mum should have done rsvp but even still. I think I would make an effort to invite the child round to play with your dc and be a friend to the mum - I bet she'd be a better friend to you than any of the other mums!

When my dds started EY the first few parties of the term were always whole class invites - that early on, you don't want to exclude anyone (well, nice people don't) if you can manage it.

bonsoir, how do you suggest the child in question 'changes'? He has selective mutism. Is it somehow his fault, in your mind? I honestly don't understand what you are saying. Unless you are saying that there is no way to make society more inclusive of people with differences, and that we should just accept that, and instead attempt to 'change' people who are less socially able for whatever reason to fit in with society. Many people have conditions which make interacting normally a challenge, shouldn't we accept them as they are, and include them in social activities?

So he shouldn't have a birthday party until his SN are sorted out then?? Birthday parties are not supposed to 'get to the root' of someone's Special Needs are they?

She didn't humiliate him, and I am sure she is doing her utmost to help his SN issues.

The Mums who ignored the invitations were cows.

At our school pretty much all the kids invited all the other kids to their parties in Rec. 30 parties with mostly 30 kids at them. Pretty normal as I understand it. Y1 toned down a bit as friendships were made and by Y2 & Y3 it was pretty much a smallish thing just for 5 or 6 mates.

As a counter to your 12.48 post, Bonsoir, how about this?

A core of decent, pleasant, good parents encourage their children not to shun this kid, and they turn up to the party. Maybe they don't all end up best buds, but the kid has a positive experience and so do the invitees. Next day at school maybe they acknowledge him a bit more, and even if he's still on the periphery, he hasn't had a traumatically dreadful party at the age of 5 which will probably stay with him for years, and etch into his brain that he's a loser and will never be accepted. Maybe this just nudges his confidence a bit and shows him that he can be a part of things, so he doesn't carry with him into his next school that desparately sad 'kick me, I'm nothing, I know I'm a victim because everyone has always hated me' aura which so many bullied children seem to.

Wouldn't that be nice.

Oh god I just read the OP . . . that is so, so sad. This has really upset me

I think what I would do is tell all the other parents how humiliated the little boy was, how sad he looked wih no one at his party ect and how they should all be fucking ashamed of themselves. Then once I'd got them feeling all guilty, I would get them together and insist that we throw the boy another party which they would all chip-in to so it doesn't cost his mum. Tell the boy that the other kiddies were all really sad they couldn't make his party and decided to throw him another one.

What a shame for the little boy :(.

But do people not RSVP any more? I would have thought the mum would want to have an idea of who was coming before sorting out food etc. Or did they say they were coming and then not turn up?

Op I can't get this little boy and his mum out of my mind.Is there anyway you could let her know so many people are thinking of them?

I'm wondering if you could shame the others into clubbing together and holding some kind of celebration for him.

MrsHeffley That's what I just suggested, get the other parents to throw him another party.