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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel resentment over cliquey parents at school

421 replies

MothInMyKecks · 06/10/2011 17:39

Just left a kiddie's party, 4-5, where my little one was the only one to turn up. Angry, and he had a broken wrist so couldn't exactly join in on the bouncy castle. Birthday boy is 5 today and his little face broke my heart. He bounced madly for the best part of half the party whilst me and his Mum made small talk.

I know, I just fucking know that the clique of parents in this class made a decision to not go, because the child is a bit messy, doesn't speak (elective mute), his mother is a bit of a loner, he has no Dad, they're a bit skint. FFS, it was a party and no other kid turned up. I know some parents had to work etc, but I know this class and their parents and many fuckers decided to not go because he's not in the clique. Twating parents. If they could only have seen his face. I never imagined a 5 year old could be humiliated, but I saw it written all over his little face.

And his mother is brassick, totally skint, yet she'd paid out good money to pay for this. Table was laden with food and no fucker turned up.

Sorry - no doubt will get a flaming by some, but I don't feel the need to don a flame proof coat or hat because I'm boiling with anger already Sad

OP posts:
KeepInMind · 07/10/2011 10:47

What a bunch of evil nasty bitches Angry

nailak · 07/10/2011 10:50

Loonytoonie Fri 07-Oct-11 10:26:07
A friend of mine has the most beautiful girl. The most lovable face you'd see on a child. She really is an angel with the most gentle of personalities. She also has Down Syndrome. A parent of a child in the same class requested that she be moved from her daughter's class as she didn't want her "touching or being close" to her daughter.

wt actual f? are people realy that bigoted, i understand why on some threads the parents pf sen kids get so defensive now, i would never have dreamt this stuff happens

KeepInMind · 07/10/2011 10:53

Looney that is disgusting.

porcamiseria · 07/10/2011 10:59

this has also made me think. To be honest there are some local parents that wuld not necessarily be on my "friend list" and only yesterday I posted about how I hate kids parties.

But reading this, it really brings home to effect of how ignoring an invitation could wreak such havoc and upset

and how what seems like an annoyance to some people, is a HUGE deal for others

certainally I have learnt from this and will treat any future invitations with care and respect

ha ha thats assuming DS gets invited!!!!

But its funny how after my initial angry post I thought, well this could quite easily happen. we all have our prejudices, and we all have people we turnh our nose down at. I am not saying its RIGHT, its SHIT

but it has made me think very differently

Bonsoir · 07/10/2011 10:59

jeee - no it isn't. No-one is required to like everyone, and it is best to learn early in life that not everyone will like you either.

timetoask · 07/10/2011 10:59

My heart is hurting for this child. I truly hope that OP can help in some way to restore his confidence a little.

Can I also say that, I, as a person without great social skills and mother to a child with SN Bonsior is exactly that type of person that I pray not to come across in life. I have lost total respect for you.

Hardgoing · 07/10/2011 11:09

Do you know what, porcamiseria, this thread has also made me think along similar lines.

When I first read it, it seemed to me almost unbelievable that everyone wouldn't attend a party for a 5 year old because they were different.

But I also started thinking about who I/my girls invite to parties. My dd1 has a boy in her class who has very little speech/communication issues and so on. I don't know the mum (I know about half the children in the class, I guess by sight). My dd1 never really mentions this child as a playmate, except that they have learnt some sign language and he's not one of her good friends so we have never invited him to a party (along with the other 2/3rds of the class who are also not invited as they are not her friends).

But, if everyone only invites their top favourite friends, then some children (e.g. who have difficulties forming relationships, have speech/communication issues) never get invited.

I feel a bit sad now, like I am a part of the problem too. Although I did consciously get my dd2 to invite the new girl to our party in a few weeks as I could see her not being invited elsewhere.

Something to be conscious of, I think.

KeepInMind · 07/10/2011 11:10

Fair enough you will not like everyone and everyone will not like you
There was a child is DS1s class who was a bully and a really nasty one at that his parents were the sort who no matter what he did thought he was right and everyone else was wrong, anyway he had a party and not one person from the class went due to the fact in school this child spent all of his time making the lives of the other kids hell.
But to not go because you think a parent is a bit shabby or the child has a SN is just nasty

Loonytoonie · 07/10/2011 11:10

Bonsoir, liked or not, it's empathy and compassion for others that sets us apart from the beasts we've evolved from.

Well, some of us anyway.

porcamiseria · 07/10/2011 11:11

well if it does make us think then so much the better, glad its not just me who thought this way!!

AKMD · 07/10/2011 11:13

Bonsoir, I don't think that argument applies at 5 years of age. I have been quite shocked by your posts on this thread and even if you are just be contrary, I think your attitude is quite disgusting.

KeepInMind · 07/10/2011 11:15

At 5 it is very unlikely that it is the children who do not want to go, it will be the parents.

Bonsoir · 07/10/2011 11:17

AKMD - it applies at every age. Or perhaps posters on this thread never listen to their children's opinion of their peers, teachers, childminders etc? If you want to teach your child to function and be safe in society, you must pay close attention to his/her opinion of others.

marge2 · 07/10/2011 11:17

Bonsoir - are you actually a parent? You seem to have no clue about kids or kids parties and the normal way of doing things.

Pagwatch · 07/10/2011 11:18

No one is required to like everybody.

But sensible people try to ensure that their choices, and the choices they encourage their children to make should not be based up things such as ethnicity, social class or disability.

There is a line between being pragmatic and accepting the world as it is and being a dullard who is happy to allow the attitudes of victorian England to continue simply because we imagine ourselves top of the heap. I stress, imagine.

Bonsoir · 07/10/2011 11:20

I am a parent and I have a great deal of experience of children's social life, including children who are excluded from other children's parties.

Chipsycheese · 07/10/2011 11:21

What a bunch of skanky ugly cows.
I would say to all of them, individually or in their stupid gangs at school they probably hang around the school playground in.
'I am so shocked at the way you didn't turn up to a childs birthday party because for some reason you think you are better than him as he has special needs.
I would just like to let you know that his lovely mum put so much time, effort and money in and my child and I were the only ones to turn up.
However thank you for proving to me that you are as nasty and cruel as I thought you were and thank you for making me realise that the birthday boy and my child are more mature and better people now than you were ever be.
You minging bitches'
Then flounce off :)

Arrogantcat · 07/10/2011 11:21

Bonsoir, I am disgusted by your lack of compassion and empathy. I expect you must struggle to pass on these traits to your kids.
Glad they're not at my DD's school.
You sound like a completely nasty bitch TBH.

ElaineReese · 07/10/2011 11:23

I am a parent and I have a great deal of experience of children's social life, including children who are excluded from other children's parties.

I should imagine you're the one excluding them, Bonsoir? I'm more staggered by your lack of compassion than I am by the OP, if anything.

Bonsoir · 07/10/2011 11:24

The compassionate attitude is not to send DCs to parties when they don't want to go (how incredibly condescending you all are), but to help DCs who have fewer friends to acquire appropriate social skills.

AKMD · 07/10/2011 11:24

It really doesn't. If I were going out for drinks with my office colleagues, I would invite the one I didn't particularly like because I couldn't bear to imagine how hurt and rejected they would feel if I didn't. I go on business trips abroad quite a bit with a big group of colleagues and always look for someone sitting on their own at meals, on flights, round conference tables etc. and go out of my way to get to know them and include them because, again, I couldn't bear to leave them on their own. They might not be the coolest, most popular colleague, but they have feelings and no one likes to feel left out. To me, that is basic human decency.

Loonytoonie · 07/10/2011 11:29

Porca, I agree with you entirely. How many children's parties did I not attend, simply because I didn't want to spend another saturday with school Mums. I didn't pay a moments thought to the birthday child, and am thoroughly ashamed to admit that now.

This post has made me realise a few things.

ElaineReese · 07/10/2011 11:31

So let's get this right - they'll learn the social skills by learning the hard way that no-one likes them and they shouldn't've been silly enough to invite the other children. Once they've got this message (cruel to be kind and all that eh!) they'll learn to be better and more likeable, and then your daughter might deign to attend their parties?

RalphGhoul · 07/10/2011 11:31

No-one is required to like everyone, and it is best to learn early in life that not everyone will like you either.

That is a very pessimistic point of view Bonsoir. It's just another way of saying 'shit happens, so deal with it.'

Not really applicable to this situation, I would've thought.

Hardgoing · 07/10/2011 11:35

Chipsy, I totally disagree with this.At present, there's no evidence every single child was invited, or that every single parent decided they didn't want to be associated with this child. Many of the parents probably just thought 'I don't fancy turning out again on a school night' (and I still think the mum was in the wrong for not checking numbers before proceeding, on the one time this happened to me, with only 10 spaces, and three filled, I invited another family along who were delighted to come).

In fact, I wouldn't target the clique at all, they are obviously horrible and bitchy. I'd go up to a few of the nice parents and just say 'I'm a bit sad, you know little X', he had a birthday and not many people came, do you think there's a reason?' (don't say how many and cause further reason for stigma). Those parents are much more likely to re-evaluate their behaviour, and I'd bet my bottom dollar many didn't realise that others weren't going/or they were working/ or had children in after-school club who won't drop them at a party afterschool/as well as those who had more nasty reasons.

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