AIBU to be sat here in tears, it really is the last straw

[kitty4paws]

Quick back story,

DH diagnosed with MH issues, makes life VERY hard, everything comes down to me.

Ok the problem NOW is that DH's mum promised us £1000 to buy a dishwasher and have it fitted. Very shortly afterwards my eldest sister (ESIS) bought and had delivered a dishwasher as a ( very nice, thank you) gift. The £1000 was to be given to SIL to "manage" as MIL is quite elderly.

I spoke to SIl and we then agreed that the money could be spent on "other things" that would be needed in the house. it was left VERY open ,just a sort of "call when you need it" type converstaion.

My ESIS then organised and paid for some major work on the house to better accomodate DH needs.

Safe in the knowledge that I had £1000 sitting there , all I had to do was call SIL and arrange for when I needed the money I ordered new kitchen doors ( the old ones look PANTS in the "new" conversion , but MY choice I know).

background : Dh has been staying at SIL a few times to give me a break.

Well I rang to arrange said transferr of money ( sunday) to be told

SIL "I spoke with ESIS and she said that eveything had been done in the house so you didn't need the money for any house things. MIL has decided I can use the money for DH's needs when he comes to stay with me, I can't afford to keep buying he meals and coffees out. I thought it was better that it was not family money that was spent, speak to MIL if you ant to sort it out"

I was so agast that I couldn't think what to say and just said good bye

Then (putting on my BIG girl pants) I rang back and asked to speak to MIL ( who was staying with SIL at the time)

SIL "We have guests, we are chatting , you can call her when she gets home tomorrow, its very rude"

All VERY passive aggresive.

texts then followed

Me " I did not know you had guests, I object to being called "rude". "

SIL
"I was not saying you were rude but that it was of ME to be on the phone with guests here"

Me" Thanks for the clarification"

then today THIS email

Dear Kitty

I have had a discussion with Mum last night and this morning regarding the funds that she was going to provide for a dishwasher/washing machine. However as these and other appliances have been provided as part of the project on the house she has reconsidered how the money could be best used. She has decided that she will retain the funds to use as she sees fit - for DH's future needs.

My only involvement in this is in the role of transferring funds as instructed by Mum.

I would also ask you not to contact her about this matter. She was very upset by your persistent phone calls considering we had company as I had explained to you and also the manner of your text to me which was misconstrued.

Thanks
SIL

I am at a total loss as what to do. I would never had spent money on the doors , we haven't got it, but , the last I knew was that the money was there all I had to do was ask.

Dh by the way was very upset

" I don't want the £1000, its for my family, my FAMILY!"

If you have read this far, thank you ,

What do I do ???

kitty. Who is fighting your corner?

I thought SIl was in my corner, untill she started shatting to my SIS that is ( oh well)

I do have friends who have offered to come round and do the equivalent of a verbal "roughing up" and I am getting more and more tempted to have one as back when I do confront either SIS or SIL again.

Ooh, well done for the big girl pants, but don't show so much of your hand!

Probably better not to pick a fight direct with SIL, just ignore her and go straight to MIL without signalling your intentions.

Do it.

Frankly ATm I am not going to care if I am playign the game ( as it were) I can talk to MIL if I like.

If she doesnt want to talk to me then thats her decision , but I want to hear it from her (MIL) and not take SIL word forf it .

I took SIL's word that the money coudl be spent on "whatever we needed" and that was proven to be a lie.

Sooooo why should I believe her that she is telling the truth about not contacting MIL ,

SIl has shown her true colours, shes allways been very judgementsal of everyine around her but in a really caring, concerned ( but very passive aggresive way) so you cant quite put your finger on why you feel offended.

Looking back at the OP, SIL didn´t discuss the money with MIL until after OP asked for it?

Surely it´s up to MIL to decide whether or not to pay for the cupboards?

Got to go now,

Diddl , I don't know when the decision was made , sometime after SIL spoke to my eldest SIS who had done the house conversion and they decided that we didnt need anythign for the house ( didnt ask us though ??)
and I was NEVER informed that ANY change had taken place.

Kitty, you may be better off not confronting your SIL directly but by carrying on your life in your own way and ignoring her (unless she's in your face).

kitty...
why are you letting all these people have such control over your life?

i think the underlying issue is :- why are you letting everyone have a say in the running of your life - from where a door goes IN YOUR HOUSE, to your husbands medical treatment, to buying and organising a dishwasher to be bought and installed (you have no idea how much one even costs so obviously had no interest or say in choosing it)

i think you have bigger issues than holidays or dishwashers or money. When did you start to delegate the running of your life to others?

oh kitty love, ((((hugs)))) do what you have to do to get through this, I agree that you need to ignore SIL and speak to MIL as you see fit until SHE tells you otherwise.

I think someone ought to have a serious word with BOTH SIL and your ESIS tbh, their treatment of you and your family is disgusting.

I would absolutely back off accepting money. Do you work?

They do sound awful by the way.

Kitty4paws, Your post of 12.37 - If I were you I'd ring both your sisters and tell them to under no circumstances talk to your SIL or MIL about you.

Your reply:- Sadly your comment, well meant, just made me smile VERY ruefully.
Why? Without meaning to be offensive, do you have mental health issues yourself? Are you grown up? It is so very far from normal to allow other people this much control over your life, frankly I wonder what advice you are hoping for, when you seem unable to prevent your family treating you like a 3 year old. You do see wresting control back from these people is the crucial first step?

I would imagine work could be quite difficult with a partner with an alzheimer like illness.

At my Alzheimer support group, there were women my age with partners with similar symptoms as my mum, and they were normally full time carers of their partners. They did have a lot of respite, with daycare for young dementia sufferers. Well, not all had dementia, but the symptoms presented themselves in similar ways.

There are a couple of things I don´t really understand though.

Why accept a dishwasher from your sister when MIL had already offered one.

And why not check with MIL what she wanted to do with her money.

OP I totally get that you are having a very rough time and I am really sorry about that.

But I am with diddl and others who just don't understand this particular gripe - you got your dishwasher, so you didn't need the money for that. Whatever was or wasn't communicated or miscommunicated after that with MIL or SIL, I personally would have just left it there. I can imagine if a poster was posting from the other point of view, you would come across as quite demanding.

I don't think Kitty seems demanding - it seems like people are determined to help, but only on their terms. I think that some of the people involved might have decided she is being demanding/unreasonable, but I can see how the situation has arisen.

I do, however, think that it might be wise to stop allowing these people any opportunity to feel that they have the right to have a say in how the OP and her DH are running their lives. And since the help that is being offered is essentially financial, it unfortunately seems that declining any more money or gifts might be the only way to create that distance.

This has been going on for a while now, and multiple family members are displaying similar behaviour - it might be time to stop expecting things to change and start wrestling back control by making it clear that you are responsible for your own family's affairs. Boundaries seem to be an issue, so space needs to be created and you can't create space while accepting financial help that is being managed by a third party - it just makes you beholden to them and in their control to some extent.

I wouldn't try to pursue the issue of this money, OP - I would use this incident to draw a line under the current relationships and forge new, more equal ones. That way if someone tries to impose conditional help on you in the future you can say "Best not. The last time this happened it all got a bit unpleasant."

No I don't think she's demanding, I think she's taken advantage of.

Why accept a dishwasher from your sister when MIL had already offered one.

I didn't , The dishwasher money was OFFERED ( without ANY prompting) and then before I had even got round to looking round at different models my Eldest sister had ordered one for me and it was already being delivered ( and Yes I would have liked a say int he type of dishwasher etc BUT I did not want to look a gift horse in the mouth)

Sooooo I spoke to SIl about the money from MIL and said about the dishwasher and it was said to me to "spend the money on WHATEVER we wanted for the house, jsut ask"

And why not check with MIL what she wanted to do with her money.

I DID ( via SIL ) and was told several times to do "whatever I wanted" with the money for the house e.g. Kitechen doors perhaps ??????

kitty. How long has your life been this hard?

" and Yes I would have liked a say int he type of dishwasher etc BUT I did not want to look a gift horse in the mouth"

You see, I am wondering if this is the problem - you are worried that if you challenge any of these people, the help will stop because they will be offended.

Do you not think it might be time to start looking in those horses' mouths and counting their teeth?

my eldest SIS also chose a new freezer for us ( not entirely sure what was wrong with the old one but heh ho) and when she said ( by text) about it I asked withing an hour , Very poiltley , if it might be one that has an ice maker in it.

I suggested that I pay any differnece between what she had OFFERED ( I had not asked) to buy and what I ahd been thinking of getting for years ( I love ice maker freezers)

the reply , and yes it was this blunt.

"Already ordered"

whenh I asked if had already been delivered.

"Already ordered and paid for"

No room for manouver, basically , this is what I have bought for you "Be greatful !!!"

and yes I am , I really , really am greatful, she has been sooooo generous but I was not able to ( and I DID try) to chose the
layout of MY house, the colour of the counter tops, etc

I was told, quite literally ,

"your choice was whether to have the conversion or not, you didn't have to have it"

well how could I turn down the only feasable opportunity to convert the house to DH's needs.

But you do have a choice - it isn't a great choice, but it is a choice. You can either accept these gifts with the oppressive behaviour that comes with them, or you can assert your right to have control over your own affairs even if that means that they withdraw their help.

Clearly you can't have both peace from their behaviour and the help. Ideally you should be able to - family shouldn't behave this way - but you can't. It doesn't seem like they are going to change their behaviour. All you can do is change yours.

For example, if your sister had already entered into a contract with builders to sort your house out, and work had already been done, she would still have had to pay them if you had put your foot down and refused to allow them to do something to your house against your consent. Yes, she might have refused to pay for any more work to be done, but you would be in control of the process, not her.

If these family members didn't have the means to help you then presumably you would be looking at ways to fund necessary work yourself. Why not try to work on the basis that the help is not available unless it comes on your terms?

This is the choice you have to make Kitty. Boundaries. You have to decide what is more important, the buying of x or your autonomy. If you know that x comes with a price, you have to decide whether you want to pay it. If the cost is too much, you have to find the strength within yourself to say 'It very kind of you to buy x but it's not what I want, I want y. So thanks, but no thanks.' You may end up materially worse off, but emotionally you will better off.

kitty. How long has your life been this hard?

Since I told my / dh's family about his illness. I put off telling them for ages, as I thought it would be easier just to get on with it ourselves, and how right Ihave been proved ( at least in the case of ESIS, SIS and SIL, otehr members of the family have been actualy helpful eg.. cooking meals, looking after th ekids etc )

'It very kind of you to buy x but it's not what I want, I want y. So thanks, but no thanks.'

I did try this with the house ( but not the no thanks bit I have to say [shame]) and after I had idea after idea just flatly refused ( and I put forawrd loads) I thought there was no more point arguing. I Let ESIS do all the major work ( in the way she wanted of course) and then I can "tweak" in the next few years to get what I actually want.

and yes I do need to say that in future, but I just couldnt miss the opportunity to have the major chages done. It was litlerally the differnce between DH continuign to live with us or not and I just couldnt throw away an opportunity to keep the family together, my feelings at all the put downs were irrelevcant comapred to that.