AIBU to be sat here in tears, it really is the last straw

[kitty4paws]

Quick back story,

DH diagnosed with MH issues, makes life VERY hard, everything comes down to me.

Ok the problem NOW is that DH's mum promised us £1000 to buy a dishwasher and have it fitted. Very shortly afterwards my eldest sister (ESIS) bought and had delivered a dishwasher as a ( very nice, thank you) gift. The £1000 was to be given to SIL to "manage" as MIL is quite elderly.

I spoke to SIl and we then agreed that the money could be spent on "other things" that would be needed in the house. it was left VERY open ,just a sort of "call when you need it" type converstaion.

My ESIS then organised and paid for some major work on the house to better accomodate DH needs.

Safe in the knowledge that I had £1000 sitting there , all I had to do was call SIL and arrange for when I needed the money I ordered new kitchen doors ( the old ones look PANTS in the "new" conversion , but MY choice I know).

background : Dh has been staying at SIL a few times to give me a break.

Well I rang to arrange said transferr of money ( sunday) to be told

SIL "I spoke with ESIS and she said that eveything had been done in the house so you didn't need the money for any house things. MIL has decided I can use the money for DH's needs when he comes to stay with me, I can't afford to keep buying he meals and coffees out. I thought it was better that it was not family money that was spent, speak to MIL if you ant to sort it out"

I was so agast that I couldn't think what to say and just said good bye

Then (putting on my BIG girl pants) I rang back and asked to speak to MIL ( who was staying with SIL at the time)

SIL "We have guests, we are chatting , you can call her when she gets home tomorrow, its very rude"

All VERY passive aggresive.

texts then followed

Me " I did not know you had guests, I object to being called "rude". "

SIL
"I was not saying you were rude but that it was of ME to be on the phone with guests here"

Me" Thanks for the clarification"

then today THIS email

Dear Kitty

I have had a discussion with Mum last night and this morning regarding the funds that she was going to provide for a dishwasher/washing machine. However as these and other appliances have been provided as part of the project on the house she has reconsidered how the money could be best used. She has decided that she will retain the funds to use as she sees fit - for DH's future needs.

My only involvement in this is in the role of transferring funds as instructed by Mum.

I would also ask you not to contact her about this matter. She was very upset by your persistent phone calls considering we had company as I had explained to you and also the manner of your text to me which was misconstrued.

Thanks
SIL

I am at a total loss as what to do. I would never had spent money on the doors , we haven't got it, but , the last I knew was that the money was there all I had to do was ask.

Dh by the way was very upset

" I don't want the £1000, its for my family, my FAMILY!"

If you have read this far, thank you ,

What do I do ???

I still think you should leave it
They're not going to give you the 1k and if you keep askingfor it things will get worse

If I were you I'd ring both your sisters and tell them under no circumstances are they to talk to sil or mil about you
It is beyond out of order
They Should be on your side

I'm so sorry for you

Mh issues are very selfish, I know it's not your dh s fault , but you need some support yourself

Hi Kitty

I don't know the full background from your situation but things are obviously very tough.

It sounds like when you deal with any of these characters on financial matters that you shouldn't commit to anything until it is 100% agreed and you have the cash in your bank account. I really do feel for you and am not sure what to suggest. Can your ESis help you out at all, it sounds as though she has been able to pay for things in the past (this may be a ridiculous suggestion but don't know the full background).

I hope you are able to get some help.

I really wouldn't speak to mil
I'd forget all about it
Maybe distance yourself for a bit

The other problem is that letting others do so much makes them feel that they have a right to make decisions for you & your husband

you are so right diddl,

My ESIS ho organsied and paid for the house conversion said ( when I DARED to question a decision she had made on the poistion of a door) that
"it was not to be changed and that if I wanted a choice I could have chosen not to have had the conversion done in the first place"

well the ONLY way we coudl have better accomodated DH needs was with the conversion and even though I had offered to payfor a much smaller scal conversion ESIS OFFERED to do the larger conversion.

I really think you need to just leave it and learn from your mistake - anything else will be seen as grabbing as cj said earlier. If you say anything it will be probably blow up into an almighty row.

I would suggest a 4 week break from ALL of your sisters, sister-in-laws etc. Then I would look at how well you coped without their bossing around help. I'm sure you can cope for 4 weeks - and I'm NOT saying that flippantly - I have a disability myself, and am a lone parent to 4 dc, two of whom have asd AND other care needs. I get no help or respite at all, and haven't in the 13 years I've been looking after DD (one of the dc with asd, she is also partially deaf, has mild epilepsy, a heart problem, hypermobility syndrome and learning difficulties).

You NEED to separate yourself (and your DH - I remember your back-story, but I was under a different name then) from these toxic people that are trying to control your life.

You CAN do this. Your SIS and Your ESIS and your SIL are ALL vying for control over you and your DH. It will not end well unless YOU take back the control. Don't accept any more offers of financial help (comes with too many strings and problems), provide a set amount of money for your DH if and when he stays at your SIL's, and brook no arguments. OH - and deal with your MIL directly. Your SIL cannot tell you who you are and aren't allowed to speak to - IGNORE HER!!! Unless your MIL personally states that she doesn't want to talk to you when you are face to face with her without your SIL present, then ignore ignore ignore your controlling SIL.

Does anyone have power of attorney for your DH yet? And who is registered as his next of Kin? If it is you, then get all these other family members to butt the fuck OUT!

I would also watch out in case your SIL is looking at going for Power Of Attorney over your DH - it might be worth getting legal advice on this issue if you haven't done so already.

I hope you are dealing with the upset of this money being withdrawn and the disappointment of losing your holiday next year OK - maybe look into the Family Fund? They sometimes give vouchers for a caravan holiday.

I realise that it is very presumptuous of me to suggest you do let your DH take this up with his mother since you are the one who lives with him and copes with his MH issues, but actually, why not try and see if he can? Only I get the impression that everyone is rather treating your DH like a self-fulfilling prophecy - he can't do things therefore he should't be given the chance not to do them.

Everyone is taking control of your lives. That's your real problem. So can you not get some professional advice and help with caring for your DH and keep this a complete secret from all your controllers? Only you'll lose all self-respect if this carries on much longer,

Jeez both sides of the family sound so controlling

Have you children?

I'd be tempted to let dh live with sil and leave the whole lot of them to it .... not helpful I know!

If I were you I'd ring both your sisters and tell them under no circumstances are they to talk to sil or mil about you
It is beyond out of order
They Should be on your side

CJ

I don't know if you know the "history" I have with my sis ( especially one of them) but sadly your comment, well ment just makes me smile VERY ruefully [sigh]

(Sorry for huge post)

Also - if you haven't already had one, go to the Adults with disabilities team at you local Social Services office, and ask for a care assessment to be done. And then push push push SS to GIVE the help they say you family NEEDS.

pandemoniaa her DH can't deal with this. He literally forgets things that happened or were discussed 5 mins ago. He has already been manipulated by the OP's interfereing sister who is well aware of this.

I'd be tempted to let dh live with sil and leave the whole lot of them to it .... not helpful I know!

Ooohhhh I have been tempeted, then SIL woudl also see how , shall we say "difficult" DH can be when hes not on his best behaviour.

Buuuut we have 4 dcs and he misses them terribely when he is away.

Kitty - Just ignore your sister's interference, and let it wash over you. If they and the SIL want to spend their time discussing what is best for YOUR FAMILY without involving you - then let them waste their time, and just get on with living your life and looking after your DP to the best of your ability without letting them get so bloody over-involved! NO is a complete sentence. And you NEED to learn how to unleash that sentence on your SIS, your ESIS AND your SIL. Just say NO when they try to over-ride your wishes (or you DP's wishes!).

kitty4paws , I can understand the money is a real worry and a stress you could do without. However, what I've missed in all this is whether you want/need the continued support of your SIL and/or MIL.

You may have to decide whether keeping them on side and helpful is more important than the £1000 or even the principles at stake.

If I wanted to make sure that SIL/MIL were kept on side and helping I'd send a grovelling apology letter to SIL (although it would take a lot of will power not to put some extremely sarcastic parts in!)

But I'd also want to make sure I knew what MIL thought the position with the money was - which means, as SIL has asked you not to contact MIL, that you'll have to be very careful and/or cunning. Perhaps something like; "per your request I won't contact MIL regarding this matter, but if she raises it with me I will tell her that I appreciate her reasons for giving the £1000 to you and not me" - which may or may not make her come clean to MIL if she has spent it without ML's consent....

Kitty I have seen your previous threads and I really think that neither your family nor your DH's have any idea of the reality of living with your DH's condition.

I think at this stage you need to take a step back from them all and work out what level of contact is in your and your DH's best interests. Ideally, I would like to see you tell them that from now on you will tell them what your DH's needs and how they can help but I am not sure they will listen.

Can you find any respite care / day centre / charity which can give you and your DH some support so you can cope if the family will only offer backup on their terms?

I would also be tempted to say to your MIL (not via the SIL) that as £1000 has been withheld, you are having to pay out unexpected amounts and so you can't afford for your DH to visit as every spare penny is needed to try to save for some sort of family holiday.

let your DH take this up with his mother

I am hoping that , as we speak , he Is talking to her (after promptign from me) alternatively , it is very quiet so he may well have forgotten and be lying down eating some chocolate ( oh well what can you do eh ?)

I will go and investigate

Just to get this straight-MIL offered 1000GBP-but has now given it to her daughter to spend?

Of course SIL saying that the money will be spent on your husband is probably what convinced MIL.

Can you sell anything?

Is anything from the conversion new enough to return & get a cheaper model?

hunty, thanks for the HUGe post

Is anything from the conversion new enough to return & get a cheaper model?

not sure . all has been in use for about 6 weesk now

I have seen some of your other threads and the whole thing sounds very upsetting and difficult for you.

However, I can sort of see how this situation with MIL and SIL might have come about. I know you say that the money was ear-marked for "anything", but is it not possible that in their minds "anything" actually meant "anything to do with adaptations to the house for DH's needs"? Is it possible that there has been a conversation along the lines of "hang on a minute, how are new kitchen doors actually needed? Is Kitty taking the piss a bit here?" which led to MIL and SIL making a decision to re-direct the money? I understand what the problem is with the doors and your husband's memory problems, but they may not. It wouldn't be hard for them to reach the conclusion that the spirit of the offer of money had been mis-used.

I don't think you can ask for the money again without reinforcing any negative views they may have. You have had a lot of help from family members, although it clearly comes at a high emotional cost, and it might be time to take a step back and see if the relationships can be made a bit more balanced. At the moment they all have you very much on the back foot and in their debt and that isn't a particularly healthy place to be.

Maybe put this one down to experience, scratch the holiday for this year and make sure any favours/help from family are set in stone before acting on them in future.

How reasonable is MIL?

If you tell her that you need the money as you hadn´t been told it wasn´t yours to spend anymore-how will she react?

"hang on a minute, how are new kitchen doors actually needed? Is Kitty taking the piss a bit here?" which led to MIL and SIL making a decision to re-direct the money?

but the money was "redirected" BEFORE I had bought anything , but without my knowledge.

I dont understand what you ar doing giving all these people so much control in your life? Back off, dont take money from them, just stay away.

Personally I would agree with a previous poster and cut all contact with MIL/SIL and whoever else is causing you problems-at least for a few weeks to give you and your dh some space without them interfering.

I would consider the possiblilty of sending the doors back and getting a refund if its feasible. If that isnt possible i would advise either collecting the sun holiday tokens OR loooking on ebay-there are many holiday bargains to be had on their from people who own their own holiday cvans/cottages.

The other option, Im presuming your dh is on dla, is to apply for a budgeting loan and use that to go away, you may not get enough to go away for 4 wks but youd have enough for a break away. I know you said you go for 4wks but what would be worse no holiday or shorter holiday? only you know the answer to that.

Id personally not trust mil/sil etc from here on in, dont take what they say as gospel, theyve let you and your dh down and seem to be very condesending with you too. Id keep interactions polite, civil and to the point but try not to get emotionally involved hard as it is. At the end of the day, your dh is their brother/son, you infact are nothing to them other than his partner, they hold no obligations/loyalties to you!

Kitty....My advice is to ignore the posters that have decided YABU because they are clearly forgetting that you are seeking support and advice.

Could you perhaps ask your DH to write a letter about his feelings then he can't forget?