AIBU to be sat here in tears, it really is the last straw

[kitty4paws]

Quick back story,

DH diagnosed with MH issues, makes life VERY hard, everything comes down to me.

Ok the problem NOW is that DH's mum promised us £1000 to buy a dishwasher and have it fitted. Very shortly afterwards my eldest sister (ESIS) bought and had delivered a dishwasher as a ( very nice, thank you) gift. The £1000 was to be given to SIL to "manage" as MIL is quite elderly.

I spoke to SIl and we then agreed that the money could be spent on "other things" that would be needed in the house. it was left VERY open ,just a sort of "call when you need it" type converstaion.

My ESIS then organised and paid for some major work on the house to better accomodate DH needs.

Safe in the knowledge that I had £1000 sitting there , all I had to do was call SIL and arrange for when I needed the money I ordered new kitchen doors ( the old ones look PANTS in the "new" conversion , but MY choice I know).

background : Dh has been staying at SIL a few times to give me a break.

Well I rang to arrange said transferr of money ( sunday) to be told

SIL "I spoke with ESIS and she said that eveything had been done in the house so you didn't need the money for any house things. MIL has decided I can use the money for DH's needs when he comes to stay with me, I can't afford to keep buying he meals and coffees out. I thought it was better that it was not family money that was spent, speak to MIL if you ant to sort it out"

I was so agast that I couldn't think what to say and just said good bye

Then (putting on my BIG girl pants) I rang back and asked to speak to MIL ( who was staying with SIL at the time)

SIL "We have guests, we are chatting , you can call her when she gets home tomorrow, its very rude"

All VERY passive aggresive.

texts then followed

Me " I did not know you had guests, I object to being called "rude". "

SIL
"I was not saying you were rude but that it was of ME to be on the phone with guests here"

Me" Thanks for the clarification"

then today THIS email

Dear Kitty

I have had a discussion with Mum last night and this morning regarding the funds that she was going to provide for a dishwasher/washing machine. However as these and other appliances have been provided as part of the project on the house she has reconsidered how the money could be best used. She has decided that she will retain the funds to use as she sees fit - for DH's future needs.

My only involvement in this is in the role of transferring funds as instructed by Mum.

I would also ask you not to contact her about this matter. She was very upset by your persistent phone calls considering we had company as I had explained to you and also the manner of your text to me which was misconstrued.

Thanks
SIL

I am at a total loss as what to do. I would never had spent money on the doors , we haven't got it, but , the last I knew was that the money was there all I had to do was ask.

Dh by the way was very upset

" I don't want the £1000, its for my family, my FAMILY!"

If you have read this far, thank you ,

What do I do ???

seems to me, but i could be wrong:

sil has spent the money on herself. she no longer has it to give you, hence why she's going to 'spend' it on your dh when he's with her. and why she doesn't want you to talk to mil about it.

about the sis / esis giving you money. i get why you accepted it - you had to in order to keep your family together.

unless it is absolutely necessary in future ie. life or death i really think you shouldn't accept any more money from ANYONE hard tho it is, and i can see things are pretty damn hard. but this is how your family is trying to control you.

best possible scenario is you get to cut these wackos (your sisters) out, because they are plain toxic. your sil sounds like she's been converted to the dark side...

your sil sounds like she's been converted to the dark side..

LOL .

kitty have you looked into gaining power of atourney? There's also another one specific to MH I think, power of care? You could do with this 'power' over your life, your DH's... it will decide once and for all who the 'boss' is, who the main carer is, and it will be easier then to stop your extended family's control.

My FIL has Alzheimers and things have become a lot lot clearer and easier to deal with now the rest of the family are legally 'out of the loop' their role is clearer (help, don't control) since my DH and his Bro started the process of Power of Atourney.

Not sure how far down the line you are with such things, or how extreme your DH's illness is, I know for Power of Care (and I don't think its actually called that!) the patient cannot be too bad, once past a certain stage its virtually unobtainable, as I'm led to believe.

The Alzheimers Society are absolutely fantastic, both in sorting out care, liaising with social services, and for you... very much for you.

I will admit, from your OP it was easy to say 'YABU' and from reading more (not all the thread sorry!) although I think YABU especially after all the shit you've had, I can also see that others have been much, much more unreasonable than you.

thanks for all the advice and ALL the points of view, it is very , very useful to have other peoples "take" on this, and be able to "see" it from the other side , so to speak.

I think this thread has rather run its course and once again , many thanks for all the replies

kitty4paws. Keep leaning on your cushions (good friends) and start your next thread in MH.

OP-you probably won´t come back, but you do need to start saying no/setting boundaries.

I cannot understand why your sis would find it acceptable to order/deliver a dishwasher without checking with you.

The fact that these people are doing things with no input from you seems to show that they have no respect for you & they would probably be best kept at arm´s length.

No gifts are better than gifts with strings!

wow, rock and a hard place kitty!

Please tell me what ESIS means? I am confused with ESIS, SIS, SIL

I have been in a situation where I had to take shocking abuse and ill treatment for the sake of, in this instance, my kids. It was one experience and there really wasn't any other way around it. I took it but realised that, in future, I had to gradually turn the ship around to the way I wanted it and was more appropriate for my kids and us as a family.

You can gradually push these poisonous people back kitty, you don't have to do it in a day, in one dramatic sweep. You can take the land back a bit at a time. As long as that is your goal and you keep your eyes firmly fixed on it, you can withstand losing some battles along the way iyswim, knowing that all is not lost, that you will get what you're aiming for.

You need these people like a hole in the head, though I appreciate that monetary support can be impossible to refuse sometimes. But with planning, you can gradually cut out their financial involvement; also their practical involvement. You need support, but not from them.

I'm cheering you on kitty and hope it won't be too long before you can carve out the healthy support your family needs. go girl! X

Springy, Kitty explains what ESIS means in her OP. It is her eldest sister. SIS is her other sister, whom she has already written about in other threads, and SIL is her sister in law - DH's sister. HTH.

oops, sorry

thanks marilyn

Again, I agree with springydaffs!