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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be sat here in tears, it really is the last straw

235 replies

kitty4paws · 04/10/2011 10:52

Quick back story,

DH diagnosed with MH issues, makes life VERY hard, everything comes down to me.

Ok the problem NOW is that DH's mum promised us £1000 to buy a dishwasher and have it fitted. Very shortly afterwards my eldest sister (ESIS) bought and had delivered a dishwasher as a ( very nice, thank you) gift. The £1000 was to be given to SIL to "manage" as MIL is quite elderly.

I spoke to SIl and we then agreed that the money could be spent on "other things" that would be needed in the house. it was left VERY open ,just a sort of "call when you need it" type converstaion.

My ESIS then organised and paid for some major work on the house to better accomodate DH needs.

Safe in the knowledge that I had £1000 sitting there , all I had to do was call SIL and arrange for when I needed the money I ordered new kitchen doors ( the old ones look PANTS in the "new" conversion , but MY choice I know).

background : Dh has been staying at SIL a few times to give me a break.

Well I rang to arrange said transferr of money ( sunday) to be told

SIL "I spoke with ESIS and she said that eveything had been done in the house so you didn't need the money for any house things. MIL has decided I can use the money for DH's needs when he comes to stay with me, I can't afford to keep buying he meals and coffees out. I thought it was better that it was not family money that was spent, speak to MIL if you ant to sort it out"

I was so agast that I couldn't think what to say and just said good bye

Then (putting on my BIG girl pants) I rang back and asked to speak to MIL ( who was staying with SIL at the time)

SIL "We have guests, we are chatting , you can call her when she gets home tomorrow, its very rude"

All VERY passive aggresive.

texts then followed

Me " I did not know you had guests, I object to being called "rude". "

SIL
"I was not saying you were rude but that it was of ME to be on the phone with guests here"

Me" Thanks for the clarification"

then today THIS email

Dear Kitty

I have had a discussion with Mum last night and this morning regarding the funds that she was going to provide for a dishwasher/washing machine. However as these and other appliances have been provided as part of the project on the house she has reconsidered how the money could be best used. She has decided that she will retain the funds to use as she sees fit - for DH's future needs.

My only involvement in this is in the role of transferring funds as instructed by Mum.

I would also ask you not to contact her about this matter. She was very upset by your persistent phone calls considering we had company as I had explained to you and also the manner of your text to me which was misconstrued.

Thanks
SIL

I am at a total loss as what to do. I would never had spent money on the doors , we haven't got it, but , the last I knew was that the money was there all I had to do was ask.

Dh by the way was very upset

" I don't want the £1000, its for my family, my FAMILY!"

If you have read this far, thank you ,

What do I do ???

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 04/10/2011 11:15

Perhaps you could include that point about the holiday in the discussion with your MIL. I wouldn't allow my SIL to dictate to me whether or not I could discuss this with my own MIL. Wtf has it got to do with her whether you discuss this directly with your mil or not?

LydiaWickham · 04/10/2011 11:16

Also, while others on here are right that you shouldn't expect finanical help from family, once it's been offered (and an exact sum at that) it isn't unreaonable to expect that help to actually be given.

aldiwhore · 04/10/2011 11:16

From a previous poster there seems to be more to this whole situation than just the OP kitty4paws on this issue alone, I stand by what I said. BUT I'm assuming its part and parcel of other ongoing gripes and irritants whereby your SIL has a habit for BU?

You sound at your wit's end, and I don't envy you at all. Please don't think I'm having a go, just trying to be objective on this ONE particular problem.

Original poster
kitty4paws · 04/10/2011 11:17

Mumbling

the dishwasher wasnt for DH's health , actually it was for mine. When Dh is away I was doing the dishes but as I suffer very , very badly ith my skin it was causing me significant health problems ( and no special lliquid / gloved dont work)

and it was NEVER said that the money was for "essentials" health wise or other. it was to be spent as WE saw fit, for what ever WE wanted. That is how is was put to me, several time, "just ask"

OP posts:
weekendblue · 04/10/2011 11:17

You sound like you are hvaing a really tough time.

However I do think YABU, you really should have double checked first (it is a pita that the offer has now been withdrawn). TBF you did get the DW and you do sound like SIL is helping you in other ways - so she should.

I hope things get better for you. Smile

Original poster
kitty4paws · 04/10/2011 11:18

lydia,

thats my thought EXACTLY

I didn't ask for ANY help but it was PROMISED for WHATEVER I wanted to spenf it on.

OP posts:
weekendblue · 04/10/2011 11:20

I agree with poster who said not to let SIL have power over you again, you can't trust her. I do wonder if she is jealous of the financial help mil offered? Hmm

Original poster
kitty4paws · 04/10/2011 11:20

Weekend

the offer hasnt been withdrawn but now HOW we are to spend the money has been decided for us, going totaly against the original plan.

How owuld MIL feel if I had taken the money and not spent it on house stuff but on hair extensions etc ???? what if I had chaged MY mind.

DH doesn't even want the money if its just for him, he wants it for his family.

OP posts:
worraliberty · 04/10/2011 11:20

I was going to ask why you need a dishwasher. As someone who's never owned one, I've never understood an actual need to have one.

But I agree with what Karmabeliever said.

Original poster
kitty4paws · 04/10/2011 11:21

Karma and Worra

I have been told be SIL to NOT speak to MIL

OP posts:
Tianc · 04/10/2011 11:22

Oh my god, I remember your back story. Is this the SIL who has been trying to cut you out of you DP's medical care, making appointments that she keeps secret from you (DP not being in a condition to comment on such things)?

She is still jerking you around, isn't she?

Given her propensity for claiming things on other people's behalf, I would go straight to MIL (without SIL present) and say, "Oh so sorry, seems to be a misunderstanding. Just wanted to clarify with you what the situation actually is, as have had quite a few different versions from SIL."

I'd be surprised if MIL is upset by "your persistent phone calls", as you didn't make any. However don't be side-tracked if the convo starts going down that track. Just say, "I called once," and head back onto the convo you actually want to have.

Good luck with all this. I can't believe you're still having to deal with all this other crap on top of DH being so ill.

Tianc · 04/10/2011 11:23

Massive x-post!

Original poster
kitty4paws · 04/10/2011 11:25

If MIL suddenly needed the money I would not think twice of just sucking up the cost of the doors and putting it down to experience, but its just SITTING there , so DH doesn't have to spend "family money"

soooooo in essance he is goingto be having meals out, coffees etc at the ost of us as a family not having holiday ( that he really NEEDS ) next year.

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 04/10/2011 11:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
kitty4paws · 04/10/2011 11:26

Tianc

no its not MY sis this time its DH's sis my SIL

OP posts:
QuintessentialDread · 04/10/2011 11:26

Sorry, I am feeling a bit dim.
You were promised thousands pounds to buy and fith a dishwasher. Then you were bought a dishwasher, and you were told that the money could be spent on other necessary things. I am assuming the money that was left over from buying the dishwasher? Or was this generous gift from somebody else? You order new doors from the kitchen. Now you are told the money is not there after all, and this means you wont be able to go on holiday to your caravan? Sorry, I just dont understand how all this adds up? Were the money to be for dishwasher, new kitchen doors, and holiday? Why should your MIL fund this? Can you not find the money yourselves? It seems dhs family is already spending quite a lot on you, like you say, major works in your house.

Maybe they just cant afford to spend so much on you, and feel embarassed to tell you? They seem very generous.

fedupofnamechanging · 04/10/2011 11:27

So why are you doing what SIL tells you? She is not in charge and you can speak to whoever you want to. You don't need her permission and if she doesn't like it, so what?

You sound like these people have ground you down and you are letting your sil behave as if she has a right to tell you what to do. You need to speak directly with your MIL and get the truth of this situation established. Stop letting SIl bully you and stand up for yourself.

ArtVandelay · 04/10/2011 11:27

I'm not surprised you feel so upset. Given that the holiday is so important to DH (and he can verbalise this) you should both ask MIL nicely if you can have some money to go on holiday with. Try and get over this - not easy, your SIL sounds a bit of a cow but it does sound at least like they do actively care for DHs wellbeing. I have to say that new cupboard doors wouldn't immediately spring to my mind as a panacea for MH problems, of course now you explained it I can see why. Maybe SIL and MIL don't understand either.

Good luck, I'm sure the fact that you are working so hard and coping with so much means you are seeing this as more than it is. Feel free to contradict me though as I don't know your ILs.

mistlethrush · 04/10/2011 11:30

I would send a reply email (very calmly) which says that its a pity that you hadn't been told of the change in plans because, as a result of that, your dh won't be able to have a holiday in the caravan next year because the money that you would have used for that has now had to go on the thing that you had earmarked for the promised money (and the cupboard doors will help DH in that he was constantly commenting on them and worried about their appearance). I would also state that you were not hassling them with 'persistent telephone calls' as she has suggested - two is hardly persistent and it was only on the 2nd call that you were told about guests.

squeakytoy · 04/10/2011 11:32

I am lost as to why your sister (is this the interfering one?) is negotiating with your SIL? why do people around you seem to take over?

Original poster
kitty4paws · 04/10/2011 11:33

the second comming

Becasue of his short term memory problems we stay for 3 weeks , other wise its too short a time and he never "settles".

4 kids, 3 weeks, summer holidays, £1000 sound pretty reasonable to me.

ALso I did not spend the dishwasher money I was told i could spend it on ANYTHING

OP posts:
Tianc · 04/10/2011 11:33

Blimey, poor you!

I still think it's entirely reasonable for you to talk to MIL (unless there's some other issue). Why should she need gatekeepers and messengers?

You can perfectly legitimately apologise for bothering her, but all this doing things second hand means messages are getting garbled.

queenrollo · 04/10/2011 11:33

it sounds to me like your family on every side are trying to exert more and more control over your life. Everyone seems to think they have some kind of right over your DH.

I know you do need support (i have followed all your other threads) but I think you really need to draw a line in the sand and start being much more independent of them all. You've had enough problems as you outlined previously and I think you need to become a lot more stubborn and stop letting these people find more ways to cause stress for you.
I honestly get the impression that constantly try to undermine and belittle you.

As someone else said, the fact that the administration of this money was passed to your SIl and not directly to you should have been a warning.

Stop letting these people have control over aspects of your life which quite frankly are none of their business, especially when they have proven that they will ride roughshod over you in the process.

LydiaWickham · 04/10/2011 11:34

QuintessentialDread - her MIL offered to buy her a dishwasher, and offered a grand for this.

Her sister bought her a dishwasher before she could get one from MIL, when MIL was told this she said OP could still have the money for any other household improvements. OP ordered new kitchen doors indending MIL's £1k to cover the cost of this.

MIL's money is now not forthcoming, so OP is going to have to find that £1k from elsewhere, which means she can't afford to go on holiday now. (And I assume will have to do other belt tightening as well to cover the grand of extra expenditure she hadn't planned for.)

OP - I wouldn't accept my SIL telling me what I could and could not discuss with my MIL, what she going to do if you see MIL without SIL and just talk to her about it?

heggertyhaggerty · 04/10/2011 11:35

Hang on a minute, in the OP you say this:

'My ESIS then organised and paid for some major work on the house to better accomodate DH needs.'

So you had a present from her of a dishwasher, then she did all this, and you still expected to have a grand sitting there to be used on what you wanted?

I'm not really sure why you even feel entitled to all this.