AIBU to be sat here in tears, it really is the last straw

[kitty4paws]

Quick back story,

DH diagnosed with MH issues, makes life VERY hard, everything comes down to me.

Ok the problem NOW is that DH's mum promised us £1000 to buy a dishwasher and have it fitted. Very shortly afterwards my eldest sister (ESIS) bought and had delivered a dishwasher as a ( very nice, thank you) gift. The £1000 was to be given to SIL to "manage" as MIL is quite elderly.

I spoke to SIl and we then agreed that the money could be spent on "other things" that would be needed in the house. it was left VERY open ,just a sort of "call when you need it" type converstaion.

My ESIS then organised and paid for some major work on the house to better accomodate DH needs.

Safe in the knowledge that I had £1000 sitting there , all I had to do was call SIL and arrange for when I needed the money I ordered new kitchen doors ( the old ones look PANTS in the "new" conversion , but MY choice I know).

background : Dh has been staying at SIL a few times to give me a break.

Well I rang to arrange said transferr of money ( sunday) to be told

SIL "I spoke with ESIS and she said that eveything had been done in the house so you didn't need the money for any house things. MIL has decided I can use the money for DH's needs when he comes to stay with me, I can't afford to keep buying he meals and coffees out. I thought it was better that it was not family money that was spent, speak to MIL if you ant to sort it out"

I was so agast that I couldn't think what to say and just said good bye

Then (putting on my BIG girl pants) I rang back and asked to speak to MIL ( who was staying with SIL at the time)

SIL "We have guests, we are chatting , you can call her when she gets home tomorrow, its very rude"

All VERY passive aggresive.

texts then followed

Me " I did not know you had guests, I object to being called "rude". "

SIL
"I was not saying you were rude but that it was of ME to be on the phone with guests here"

Me" Thanks for the clarification"

then today THIS email

Dear Kitty

I have had a discussion with Mum last night and this morning regarding the funds that she was going to provide for a dishwasher/washing machine. However as these and other appliances have been provided as part of the project on the house she has reconsidered how the money could be best used. She has decided that she will retain the funds to use as she sees fit - for DH's future needs.

My only involvement in this is in the role of transferring funds as instructed by Mum.

I would also ask you not to contact her about this matter. She was very upset by your persistent phone calls considering we had company as I had explained to you and also the manner of your text to me which was misconstrued.

Thanks
SIL

I am at a total loss as what to do. I would never had spent money on the doors , we haven't got it, but , the last I knew was that the money was there all I had to do was ask.

Dh by the way was very upset

" I don't want the £1000, its for my family, my FAMILY!"

If you have read this far, thank you ,

What do I do ???

justinboobie

it feel like I have been toild that my present is under the bed all rapped up, i just have to go and get it. then when I go suddenly its been taken away. Not life threatening just annoying really. and in the grand scheme of my life ATM ,peanuts really , heh ho .

kitty4paws Tue 04-Oct-11 12:47:49
"hang on a minute, how are new kitchen doors actually needed? Is Kitty taking the piss a bit here?" which led to MIL and SIL making a decision to re-direct the money?

but the money was "redirected" BEFORE I had bought anything , but without my knowledge.

Well, you only have SIL's word for that - she could have made a snap decision based on you asking for the money to pay for something she considered frivolous and then got MIL on board afterwards. Or had you mentioned the doors before hand?

Clearly there is something going on behind the scenes - it seems unlikely that family members are simply being difficult for fun, so it might help to try and figure out how they have reached the decisions they have, not just in relation to the doors but also in relation to the wider issues about they way you are being treated within the family.

I think you have to have a serious think about how you respond to future offers of help from your family and your ILs. In an ideal world your family would help out unconditionally - you could have the work done on the house and still have a positive relationship with your family. Clearly that isn't possible for whatever reason so you really need to decide whether any future financial/practical need is greater than your need to remain in control of your own future and that of your family. If it is, then you might need to accept help but go into the situation extremely cautiously. If it can be done without, then you might find that it is better for you and your DH to decline.

kungfupannda (you're not kungfupanda are you?)

Oh kitty i'm so sorry you're still going through shit

It seems as though everyone is trying to control you and stick their oars in when it isn't appropriate. I know they probably think they are helping but is this 'help' really worth the hassle? Are you in a position/ have the strength to limit contact?

How did your dh's London appointment go?

Do you reckon that SIL could have made a snap decision to redirect the money upon hearing about the kitchen door order? Rather than saying "sorry, we dont agree to you buying THAT", she might have just said they had made other plans.

I think that your description of this being the last straw probably sums the situation up.
It sounds like you have been getting through a dreadful time, no doubt very grateful for help from both sides of your family that love you and dh very much and want to ease your situation. It must be pretty devastating for mil and sil to watch their son/brother with this illness. also, you are never going to win in who is right when you are up against mother and daughter
So, what to do now? I think that i would give it a week. then write to them along the lines of

dear mil

I want you to know how grateful i am for all the help that you and dsil have given me and dh/kids since his diagnosis. As a family we find it hard to accept that we need help, and any help we receive is genuinely valued. I would hate, at this time which is difficult for all of us, to fall out or have any bad feeling. We need to stick together for me to be able to cope and for DHs sake.

There has been a misunderstanding about the £1000. I genuinely thought that this had been earmarked as a contribution towards house repairs and maintenance. On this basis, I ordered replacement cupboard doors. This was because DH keeps repeating that they do not match and I am afraid that this made me push it up the list of priorities. Clearly this is not what was intended on your part and there seems to have been a case of chinese whispers where your original intention seems to have got lost.

I will find the money from somewhere, I do not wish us to have any ill feeling over this as I value your support as DHs mother etc etc

ThePosieParker Tue 04-Oct-11 13:30:06
kungfupannda (you're not kungfupanda are you?)

I've always been kungfupannda. Well, apart from my first week on MN when I chose a rubbish name. Never kungfupanda though.

Quintessential - that is what I suspect happened - a unilateral decision from SIL that the described expenditure wasn't appropriate in accordance with her ideas of what the money was for. Since there has been no direct input from MIL, SIL can say what she likes about previous discussions behind the scenes.

It all sounds incredibly frustrating.

A couple of options that I can see...

• Either talk directly to your MIL without your SIL around, and explain what's happened and ask her to just to clarify whether the money was never actually meant to pass to your household, but was intended for your SIL to spend on DH as she saw fit. No bloody wonder SIL doesn't want you to contact MIL directly!

or

• Talk your SIL, ask her to take out what she is owed for meals etc so far (you can get an awful lot of coffee for a thousand pounds!) and then forward the rest to you for the debts you've incurred making changes to your home required for DH's benefit, as per your agreement with MIL. You can than make arrangements to reimburse her / provide spending money for DH's future visits (should you decide that it's worth putting up with the hassle).

I realise that I am in the minority here, not having had the benefit of this particular 'back story'. You posted in the AIBU section and I replied to your post, yes you are.
I'm sorry if this upsets you or others but I do agree that you were 'too previous' with the money.
It seems that money is also being used to contr you which I abhor.

New kitchen doors and crockery (!) dishwashers, holidays etc are not essentials and I would have said no thank you if the family already overstepped the Mark.

At the same time, your opening post of the the money being 'already promised' and you having a hissy fit about it. Knowing you'd spent it, sounds like a spoiled child!
Deal with it. Claw back money from somewhere, say no thanks to the family.

Sorry if it's harsh, but my opinion, which I'm entitled to, in fact you asked for it by posting your post here....

Life must be horrendously stressful for you kitty without any additional grief but this situation seems yet another example of family members taking control over you and your DH and something has to be done.

I tend to take the view that people are, in the main, well intentioned and only come to a different conclusion when the evidence makes it impossible to believe differently. I can quite understand your sister and SIL wanting to do the best in the face of the undoubtedly shattering diagnosis of your DH's early-onset Alzheimers. I like to think that their intentions to share the difficult task of caring and their offers of practical and financial assistance were good. But clearly, they have now lost complete sight of where to draw the line between "help" and "inappropriate interference and control". As a result, they are treating you as if you had the same incapacities as your DH and your opinions are either questioned or over-ruled.

The only person who can stop this vicious circle of decline is you. But I recognise this won't be easy. You may very well have to accept that this will not come without an argument but you must weigh up the value of that argument against the awful, emotional strain they are currently putting you under.

So for starters, I'd sit down and rough out a very basic sort of flow chart showing the potential consequences of taking a variety of actions. You might very well see that if the worst that can happen is a fall-out with the family, ultimately, your own well-being will still benefit, regardless. I know that this might sound a rather bizarre idea but I've done it with difficult issues and it can be very helpful.

falling star, do keep going there's a dear.

It really is not a crime to disagree with an opening post and I refuse to feel bad because I do.

If a more sympathetic response was hoped for, a fuller story should have been given or posted in a more appropriate section.

Well that's pretty much what I posted too fallingstar.

I cannot imagine spending money that had been promised to me before I actually had it even from family that I am extremely close to. All sorts of things could happen that might prevent the money from being given - nothing to do with trust imo.

Life sounds very hard OP and I can imagine how upsetting this is but I really do think you need to distance yourself from the family and chalk this up to bitter experience

catchafallingstar - its very clear from this thread that there is a substantial backstory and that kitty's DH has a significant MH problem. I appreciate that this was not detailed in the opening post but a quick scan through the thread would have made it clear.
It is probably more helpful if you respond to the totality of the thread rather than a kneejerk reaction to the opening post. If kitty were to post the full backstory the op would have been impossibly long.

So you understand more fully Kitty's DH has severe memory loss (similar in form to early onset Alzheimers) and is unable to remember what has happened a few mins after it has taken place unless he notes down in his phone. He is also given to bad moods and rages which he can't remember. Various members of the family have interfered to the point of trying to get access to medical records etc.

I second aquafunf's letter. And then set some boundaries. You don't want to fall out with them, but you need to take back control. Why don't you contact MIL in person?

I remember the back story to this and it is not altogether relevant to the OP spending the money or not. She wasn't wrong to spend it, because she'd been told it was hers, but she would have been safer to physically have hold of it. There is no reason why she should have predicted her SIL stitching her up.

What is relevant, back story wise, is that Kitty's own sister has exhibited very disturbing behaviour towards her and her dh and really kitty, you would have been wiser to not ever accept anything from her and cut out her influence in your lives. (this is the sister who insisted on attending his appointments and was obsessive in her behaviour and dismissal of you? Apologies if I've got this wrong).

The back story is completely irrelevant.

The simple fact is OP was promised some money, she spent said money then the family decided they wouldn't give what was promised.

The family were being shits.

I do remember the backstory and really hope you manage to get some help and support Kitty. For what it's worth I think you've been amazing coping with your DH's illness, pariculary considering how awful both families have been. And at risk of sounding like I'm on nethuns, have a great big hug and I hope everything works out for you.

It´s not the same sister is it?

That has paid for the dishwasher & work?

Not the one who wants access to medical records & to go to appointments?

I have been putting on my big girl pants and been quite "aggressive"

emails in the last hour or so.

Me : Dh will not be coming up to stay with you in two weeks time

(Frankly I'd rather not have the "respite" than all this S**t.)

me : I will contact MIL if I choose, it is not up to you (SIL) to decide.

SIl : MIL asked SIL to tell me not to contact her (MIL)

Me : I only have your word for that .

OOOHH errr Missus !!! ( well for me it is)

What is relevant, back story wise, is that Kitty's own sister has exhibited very disturbing behaviour towards her and her dh and really kitty, you would have been wiser to not ever accept anything from her and cut out her influence in your lives. (this is the sister who insisted on attending his appointments and was obsessive in her behaviour and dismissal of you? Apologies if I've got this wrong).

it is my SIL who is faffing about with the money, it is my SIS who was faffing about with medicl notes etc.

Buuuuuutt SIL only started cuttign me out of decisions with DH AFTER she and my SIS started "chatting" (sigh)

But if it´s your interferring sister that has paid for things I agree that that would have been better not accepted.

It would seem very odd if MIL doesn´t want you to contact her-surely she wants to know how her son is?

kitty. Who is fighting your corner? Do you have any really decent friends/relatives/carers?

I think it's kitty's ESIS, not awful Sis.

But if it´s your interferring sister that has paid for things I agree that that would have been better not accepted

I have not had ANY financial help form my SIS since she started interferrign with DH's medical notes, I would not accept it ( on principle) even if she did. I'd rather burn it.

It is Dh's sister , my SIL wo is now faffing with the money , that has come from dh's Mum, so nothing to do with my SIS.