Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be sat here in tears, it really is the last straw

235 replies

kitty4paws · 04/10/2011 10:52

Quick back story,

DH diagnosed with MH issues, makes life VERY hard, everything comes down to me.

Ok the problem NOW is that DH's mum promised us £1000 to buy a dishwasher and have it fitted. Very shortly afterwards my eldest sister (ESIS) bought and had delivered a dishwasher as a ( very nice, thank you) gift. The £1000 was to be given to SIL to "manage" as MIL is quite elderly.

I spoke to SIl and we then agreed that the money could be spent on "other things" that would be needed in the house. it was left VERY open ,just a sort of "call when you need it" type converstaion.

My ESIS then organised and paid for some major work on the house to better accomodate DH needs.

Safe in the knowledge that I had £1000 sitting there , all I had to do was call SIL and arrange for when I needed the money I ordered new kitchen doors ( the old ones look PANTS in the "new" conversion , but MY choice I know).

background : Dh has been staying at SIL a few times to give me a break.

Well I rang to arrange said transferr of money ( sunday) to be told

SIL "I spoke with ESIS and she said that eveything had been done in the house so you didn't need the money for any house things. MIL has decided I can use the money for DH's needs when he comes to stay with me, I can't afford to keep buying he meals and coffees out. I thought it was better that it was not family money that was spent, speak to MIL if you ant to sort it out"

I was so agast that I couldn't think what to say and just said good bye

Then (putting on my BIG girl pants) I rang back and asked to speak to MIL ( who was staying with SIL at the time)

SIL "We have guests, we are chatting , you can call her when she gets home tomorrow, its very rude"

All VERY passive aggresive.

texts then followed

Me " I did not know you had guests, I object to being called "rude". "

SIL
"I was not saying you were rude but that it was of ME to be on the phone with guests here"

Me" Thanks for the clarification"

then today THIS email

Dear Kitty

I have had a discussion with Mum last night and this morning regarding the funds that she was going to provide for a dishwasher/washing machine. However as these and other appliances have been provided as part of the project on the house she has reconsidered how the money could be best used. She has decided that she will retain the funds to use as she sees fit - for DH's future needs.

My only involvement in this is in the role of transferring funds as instructed by Mum.

I would also ask you not to contact her about this matter. She was very upset by your persistent phone calls considering we had company as I had explained to you and also the manner of your text to me which was misconstrued.

Thanks
SIL

I am at a total loss as what to do. I would never had spent money on the doors , we haven't got it, but , the last I knew was that the money was there all I had to do was ask.

Dh by the way was very upset

" I don't want the £1000, its for my family, my FAMILY!"

If you have read this far, thank you ,

What do I do ???

OP posts:
catchafallingstar · 04/10/2011 12:07

3 weeks summer holiday and paid for!!!!
Regardless of mental health issues, this is not essential.

I wish someone would pay for me and mine to go on holiday!

And what dishwasher costs a grand?

At the end of the day it's not your money so no point moaning about it....

Do you want to be in debt to these people?

JeremyVile · 04/10/2011 12:08

It's such a lot of money though, I can totally see why they may have seconds thoughts about it.

Mil wanted you to have it because you really needed a dishwasher, then when that was provided by someone else, was happy for you to use it for other essential things, then when those things were also provided by someone else too I can absolutely see why mil (and sil) might think, actually this money is no longer essential it's just getting spent for the sake of it now.

Blueberties · 04/10/2011 12:10

In many ways I think - you pays your money you takes your choice. It's like having childcare from inlaws. There needs to be accommodation.

If you don't like what comes with the help you get from your sil, then you have to refuse the help you get from your sil.

Or you need to make clear that the help is for dh, not for you.

In an ideal world it shouldn't be like this: it should be lovely that your sil wants to care so much for her brother. In fact from your posts I gather it has been lovely and has worked out well up to a point.

But you know, it sounds like things are getting out of control.

Floggingmolly · 04/10/2011 12:10

Kitty, are you the one who also has a very controlling, intrusive sister, whom you seem unable to stand up to? If you also let your inlaws trample all over you, you might need to see yourself as less a victim of circumstances than someone with very severe self esteem issues. You need to address the question of why all these other people are running your life, and why you are allowing them to Hmm

Original poster
kitty4paws · 04/10/2011 12:11

I wish someone would pay for me and mine to go on holiday!

no bosy pays for our holiday, buuut becasue I spent the money ( i was PROMISED) on the kitchen doors I now don't have the money ergo No holiday

OP posts:
CheshireDing · 04/10/2011 12:12

Flipping heck OP it sounds like a right mess, I feel for you.

Can you not get some help with DH and whatever his condition(s) are? I mean independent NHS outside help not Family, just to give you a bit of a break and help etc.

As others have said I think in the future you need to just do your own Family thing and back off from everyone else. I do not see why MIL could not have given you the money straight off and left you to it but as others have said once you borrow money from Family things can turn nasty quite easily. I know it's probably really hard but in the future I would try and save up (and explain to DH that's why cupboard doors are not being replaced yet), it's not worth the extra stress for you.

unavailable · 04/10/2011 12:12

When did you place the order for the doors? Can you contact them and cancel the order? If it was a recent order you may not have to pay a penalty.

Original poster
kitty4paws · 04/10/2011 12:12

the money was NEVER set aside for ESSENTIAL things it was for ANYTHING we wanted for the house e.g. kitchen doors !!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
kitty4paws · 04/10/2011 12:14

unavailable

nope sorry, doors are in and fitted , was I being niave in waiting to get the money from SIl , or was I just trusting ???

OP posts:
queenrollo · 04/10/2011 12:16

kitty i'd suggest you stop responding to be honest. If people haven't followed your other threads and therefore don't understand the full garvity and implications of your DH's illness they are just going to keep making comments that upset you.

cheshire she can't explain about the doors, he'll just forget. again and again.

queenrollo · 04/10/2011 12:17

gravity

unavailable · 04/10/2011 12:17

Sorry op, didnt realise it was aleady done.

I too would want to talk directly to MIL. Not in a confrontational way, but just to confirm that she is aware that the offer was withdrawn.

fedupofnamechanging · 04/10/2011 12:17

You trusted what they told you. There's nothing wrong in that. I think most people who've posted here would have got the money upfront because we've had experiences in the past which have led us to the conclusion that it is safer that way. But it's not wrong to trust your own family, until they give you a reason not to.

Original poster
kitty4paws · 04/10/2011 12:19

queen,

thnaks for remembering my story Smile

OP posts:
bumpsnowjustplump · 04/10/2011 12:21

I agree I think the SIL is jelous that you were getting financial help from her mum and she wasn't. It is awful for someone to take away a financial gift as they feel fit.

I also think you should take a break from them for a few weeks, get your head together so as not to let this cause a huge fall out.

Not fair on you though I agree..

Kladdkaka · 04/10/2011 12:22

Kitty, I really feel for you but at the same time think these people are behaving like this towards you because you allow it. You need to firm up your boundaries and if that means going it totally alone for a while, so be it.

My family are bit like this. They're like a giant spider plant with nobody surviving independently. The smaller plants don't do well while still attached and totally dominated by the bigger ones.

heggertyhaggerty · 04/10/2011 12:23

I don't know your story and I'm sorry for you regarding your DH's illness.

However I am still struggling to understand how some doors or come to mention it a dishwasher can cost anywhere near a grand in the first place.

Sorry...I'm out of my depth on that alone but I can see you are very upset and I hope you resolve this.

Original poster
kitty4paws · 04/10/2011 12:24

The smaller plants don't do well while still attached and totally dominated by the bigger ones

that rings very true Kladdkara

OP posts:
cjbartlett · 04/10/2011 12:25

You need to let it go IMO
Dh knows how upset you are
If he wants to take it up with his mum I'd let him
But I wouldn't say another word about it otherwise you're going to look grasping

heggertyhaggerty · 04/10/2011 12:27

You sound really stressed, coming from a position where you feel you have very little control and very little emotional support?

It must be really hard to see what you're allowed to say and do, and what would cause you to be bullied further by these people who appear to have so much power over you.

I'm not sure how to help.

Original poster
kitty4paws · 04/10/2011 12:27

However I am still struggling to understand how some doors or come to mention it a dishwasher can cost anywhere near a grand in the first place.

Dont know how much dishwasher cost , it was a gift from ESIS,

£1000 wasn't just on doors, but on fitting them , extra crockery etc to us in dishwasher plus other bits that were needed because the house had all been changed round. I was told that it could be spent on ANYTHING that made life easier. It hasn't all been spent , but I would not have spent ANY if I had know it wasn't there.

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 04/10/2011 12:29

What a mess.

I think you need to just let it go and accept you were far too 'previous' ( as my Nan would've said!) in ordering the doors before you actually had the money.

Learn from this so it never happens again.

Original poster
kitty4paws · 04/10/2011 12:29

Dh knows how upset you are

yes for about 5 minutes then he forgets

If he wants to take it up with his mum I'd let him

he also can not plan or initiate any complex actions.

OP posts:
Original poster
kitty4paws · 04/10/2011 12:30

you were far too 'previous'

[laugh]

OP posts:
diddl · 04/10/2011 12:30

OP, you obviously need to talk directly to your MIL.

I can see how the situation has come about that it has been decided that you don´t need the money & MIL has agreed with her daughter that she might as well have it.

The other problem is that letting others do so much makes them feel that they have a right to make decisions for you & your husband.

Swipe left for the next trending thread