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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be sat here in tears, it really is the last straw

235 replies

kitty4paws · 04/10/2011 10:52

Quick back story,

DH diagnosed with MH issues, makes life VERY hard, everything comes down to me.

Ok the problem NOW is that DH's mum promised us £1000 to buy a dishwasher and have it fitted. Very shortly afterwards my eldest sister (ESIS) bought and had delivered a dishwasher as a ( very nice, thank you) gift. The £1000 was to be given to SIL to "manage" as MIL is quite elderly.

I spoke to SIl and we then agreed that the money could be spent on "other things" that would be needed in the house. it was left VERY open ,just a sort of "call when you need it" type converstaion.

My ESIS then organised and paid for some major work on the house to better accomodate DH needs.

Safe in the knowledge that I had £1000 sitting there , all I had to do was call SIL and arrange for when I needed the money I ordered new kitchen doors ( the old ones look PANTS in the "new" conversion , but MY choice I know).

background : Dh has been staying at SIL a few times to give me a break.

Well I rang to arrange said transferr of money ( sunday) to be told

SIL "I spoke with ESIS and she said that eveything had been done in the house so you didn't need the money for any house things. MIL has decided I can use the money for DH's needs when he comes to stay with me, I can't afford to keep buying he meals and coffees out. I thought it was better that it was not family money that was spent, speak to MIL if you ant to sort it out"

I was so agast that I couldn't think what to say and just said good bye

Then (putting on my BIG girl pants) I rang back and asked to speak to MIL ( who was staying with SIL at the time)

SIL "We have guests, we are chatting , you can call her when she gets home tomorrow, its very rude"

All VERY passive aggresive.

texts then followed

Me " I did not know you had guests, I object to being called "rude". "

SIL
"I was not saying you were rude but that it was of ME to be on the phone with guests here"

Me" Thanks for the clarification"

then today THIS email

Dear Kitty

I have had a discussion with Mum last night and this morning regarding the funds that she was going to provide for a dishwasher/washing machine. However as these and other appliances have been provided as part of the project on the house she has reconsidered how the money could be best used. She has decided that she will retain the funds to use as she sees fit - for DH's future needs.

My only involvement in this is in the role of transferring funds as instructed by Mum.

I would also ask you not to contact her about this matter. She was very upset by your persistent phone calls considering we had company as I had explained to you and also the manner of your text to me which was misconstrued.

Thanks
SIL

I am at a total loss as what to do. I would never had spent money on the doors , we haven't got it, but , the last I knew was that the money was there all I had to do was ask.

Dh by the way was very upset

" I don't want the £1000, its for my family, my FAMILY!"

If you have read this far, thank you ,

What do I do ???

OP posts:
Pandemoniaa · 04/10/2011 12:54

I realise the OP's DH will have difficulties taking this up, queenrollo but I still think it is worth trying to see if he can have the discussion rather than assuming what he can't do.

From subsequent posts by the OP, it would appear that he has had the conversation with his mother. Or at least might have!

heggertyhaggerty · 04/10/2011 12:57

Posie I think without the background it's very hard to take a proper view of the situation,

people are responding to the thread in its own right without knowing the history.

People are clearly as someone else said vying for control of your DH's life and circumstances and you are being overridden and undermined repeatedly.

I've no idea how you can stop this happening.

madam52 · 04/10/2011 12:59

I dont understand why all these other members of both your extended families are seemingly providing for all these purchases for your home and immediate family. My YSIS was diagnosed with depression and was actually comitted at one point. While we all supported her and her family greatly in practical ways - babysitting , lifts to hospital , cooking ,cleaning etc etc none of us felt the need to suddenly start buying her new kitchen appliances , pay for holidays etc etc. Why would your DHs MH issues make your families suddenly feel obliged to throw money at you and your home. Not being horrible btw - genuinely dont get it.

springydaffs · 04/10/2011 13:00

Just to clarify: what does ESIS mean?

ThePosieParker · 04/10/2011 13:01

And it is AIBU!! (which I hadn't noticedBlush)

spiderpig8 · 04/10/2011 13:01

YANBU.Your SIL never had any intention of handing the money over.You and your DH shoukd write to your MIL explaining what has happened .

spiderpig8 · 04/10/2011 13:02

madam52 i can see how a dishwasher might help take some of the pressure ff the family. Mind you £1000 is sime dishwasher!!

Blueberties · 04/10/2011 13:02

evil sister?

heggertyhaggerty · 04/10/2011 13:03

Madam52, it's a common phenomenon that when people encounter a MH issue in a family member they want to contain it, control the person, 'help' them in a way that makes them feel ok about it. I've seen it time and time again.

Kitty I am really sorry you're in this situation and it does sound like the whole lot of them are trying to take charge of your DH's life, and undermining and overriding you continually.

I don't know what to suggest about this.

I'm also really sorry I implied that you needed to justify your spending, I didn't want you to go into detail, I was genuinely perplexed by the amount but i'm glad in a way it turns out not to be as much as a grand, I suppose that's something.

All the best and I'm sorry to be useless. I wish I could help.

madam52 · 04/10/2011 13:04

committed

sorry if my above post sounds stroppy - just read it back. Having had someone close attempting suicide several times and being very very poorly I really do sympathise but I just dont get the connection of families suddenly deciding to buy you luxuries because of your DHs illness and then you apparently getting upset at these promised 'treats' for want of a better word being withdrawn.

JustinBoobie · 04/10/2011 13:05

You don't give a GIFT and then TAKE IT AWAY AGAIN.

Regardless of ANY circumstances.

OP I feel for you.

valiumredhead · 04/10/2011 13:06

But it wasn't actually given justin that's the problem!

GypsyMoth · 04/10/2011 13:06

What is the MH illness that your DH has?

GypsyMoth · 04/10/2011 13:08

You have enough on your plate op, I would just leave them all alone now. Concentrate on yourself a bit

CardyMow · 04/10/2011 13:09

Kitty's DP has early-onset Alzheimers, ILoveTIFFANY.

MillyR · 04/10/2011 13:09

I really don't think that depression is a similar condition to alzheimer's, Madam 52.

OP, I would be worried about where all this is heading. I would make sure that you have everything legally in place in case the interference by inlaws gets more extreme in the future.

With your SIL's attitude to money, and your MIL being elderly, there are long term financial implications that your SIL may be thinking about. Sorry if that sounds a bit cynical and/or paranoid.

KeepInMind · 04/10/2011 13:11

Put your DH in the car drive him round to ESIL and tell her to take the responsibly for him

WhoWhoWhoWho · 04/10/2011 13:15

I agree with the other poster above that suggested you take a 4 week interim with no interfering or 'help' from any of them. Do you receive any help from SS? I am asking as a fellow jaded carer BTW Smile. I know it's not easy to receive help from them but it may be worth pushing and pushing if you can. Are there any support groups in your area for your DH's condition? I think this 'help' Hmm you are receiving is actually having a more negative effect than a positive.

I do think you should speak directly with your MIL just to clear the air and clarify things - bugger what your SIL said, who is she to tell you who you can and cannot talk to?!?!

I felt rather sad about your DH's notes on his phone each day he was away saying he wanted to come home.

cjbartlett · 04/10/2011 13:16

Well it's not until 13.02 that we found out it was alzeheimers rather than just mental health issues
So some of the responses would probably have been different

I'm so sorry Kitty for what you're going through

valiumredhead · 04/10/2011 13:18

Do you belong to any support groups OP? My friend's dh had Alzeheimers and found it a tremendous help.

cjbartlett · 04/10/2011 13:18

I agree with ilovetiffany

Try to minimise contact for a bit and concentrate on you

If they ring talk about how dh is today etc and steer the conversation away from anything personal to do with you and finances etc

How are the kids coping?

MillyR · 04/10/2011 13:19

It was mentioned at 11.38, so there isn't an excuse for some of the responses given since then.

Original poster
kitty4paws · 04/10/2011 13:19

Just off nowe , but will try to adress afew of the questions

Dh mayh or may not have tried to ring his Mum , I didn't wnat to be over his sholder so left him to it, now ( of course (he ho)) he has forgotten.

I think that the "family" are buyign us things rather thaqn actually helping practically becasue its easier for them and then they cn feel that thay have DONE some thing, personally I'd much. much rather a spot of babysitting, meals cooked etc. ( though I did do appreciate SIL having Dh for respite )

Initially it was thought that DH had early onset altzimers, now it looks like a MH issue , but stillhas many of the difficulties that AZ has e.g. the confuision over the diagnosis. Same symptoms , differnet name !

All the best and I'm sorry to be useless. I wish I could help.

Heggertry, you have helped , Smile

OP posts:
madam52 · 04/10/2011 13:20

I dont think so either MillyR but then I didnt know what condition the OPs DH had except MH issues as she stated in her OP. Depression is definitely one of those and I might add can be as life threatening as Alzheimers if not dealt with. My YSIS made two serious suicide attempts prior to being committed. Though I do realise Alzheimers is a physical aswell as mental health issue.

JustinBoobie · 04/10/2011 13:21

I understand that valiumred

But it was still there if SHE WANTED IT. Or so the MIL said. So it should be classed as a gift.

They changed the rules, and it's not right.

my original post was to the people telling the OP to get over it.

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