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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be sat here in tears, it really is the last straw

235 replies

kitty4paws · 04/10/2011 10:52

Quick back story,

DH diagnosed with MH issues, makes life VERY hard, everything comes down to me.

Ok the problem NOW is that DH's mum promised us £1000 to buy a dishwasher and have it fitted. Very shortly afterwards my eldest sister (ESIS) bought and had delivered a dishwasher as a ( very nice, thank you) gift. The £1000 was to be given to SIL to "manage" as MIL is quite elderly.

I spoke to SIl and we then agreed that the money could be spent on "other things" that would be needed in the house. it was left VERY open ,just a sort of "call when you need it" type converstaion.

My ESIS then organised and paid for some major work on the house to better accomodate DH needs.

Safe in the knowledge that I had £1000 sitting there , all I had to do was call SIL and arrange for when I needed the money I ordered new kitchen doors ( the old ones look PANTS in the "new" conversion , but MY choice I know).

background : Dh has been staying at SIL a few times to give me a break.

Well I rang to arrange said transferr of money ( sunday) to be told

SIL "I spoke with ESIS and she said that eveything had been done in the house so you didn't need the money for any house things. MIL has decided I can use the money for DH's needs when he comes to stay with me, I can't afford to keep buying he meals and coffees out. I thought it was better that it was not family money that was spent, speak to MIL if you ant to sort it out"

I was so agast that I couldn't think what to say and just said good bye

Then (putting on my BIG girl pants) I rang back and asked to speak to MIL ( who was staying with SIL at the time)

SIL "We have guests, we are chatting , you can call her when she gets home tomorrow, its very rude"

All VERY passive aggresive.

texts then followed

Me " I did not know you had guests, I object to being called "rude". "

SIL
"I was not saying you were rude but that it was of ME to be on the phone with guests here"

Me" Thanks for the clarification"

then today THIS email

Dear Kitty

I have had a discussion with Mum last night and this morning regarding the funds that she was going to provide for a dishwasher/washing machine. However as these and other appliances have been provided as part of the project on the house she has reconsidered how the money could be best used. She has decided that she will retain the funds to use as she sees fit - for DH's future needs.

My only involvement in this is in the role of transferring funds as instructed by Mum.

I would also ask you not to contact her about this matter. She was very upset by your persistent phone calls considering we had company as I had explained to you and also the manner of your text to me which was misconstrued.

Thanks
SIL

I am at a total loss as what to do. I would never had spent money on the doors , we haven't got it, but , the last I knew was that the money was there all I had to do was ask.

Dh by the way was very upset

" I don't want the £1000, its for my family, my FAMILY!"

If you have read this far, thank you ,

What do I do ???

OP posts:
Original poster
kitty4paws · 04/10/2011 11:35

the second coming

Have you ever been a carer ??
sounds unlikley, no offence meant, but in response to your , very well ment query,

" get some care for your Dh in a hospital to help you out "

LOL LOL Ahhhahhhh !!!

( the carers out there will TOTALLY get this)

OP posts:
heggertyhaggerty · 04/10/2011 11:37

Oh sorry I was getting confused about your sister and SIL< my mistake.

Yes it sounds horrible.

It sounds like your MIL is asking SIL to administrate and it's all getting confused somewhere along the line with who really wants what - maybe MIL doesn't really want you to have it after all, maybe SIL talked her out of it.

MIL DOES however have the right to withdraw the money, change her mind, etc etc.

It's unfortunate. I don't think it's all anyone's fault though.

queenrollo · 04/10/2011 11:37

heggerty her own sister doing that for her has no bearing on whether it's ok for the in-laws to suddenly renege on a promise of money. The money appears to have been offered without condition. Conditions which have subsequently been applied, without them bothering to inform the OP.

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 04/10/2011 11:37

Can you ask for the money to be spent on the holiday, as your DH really needs it?
Also what queenrollo said.

springydaffs · 04/10/2011 11:37

YANBU. Strange posts on your thread imo OP. I don't think people have read your OP properly.

imo SIL is pulling one and I'm not surprised you are in tears. She isn't to be trusted, she used her position of power (pathetic tiny bit of power but it seems to have gone to her head). She is a Poisonous Person and don't trust her again.

You were told you could use the money for whatever you saw fit. So you went on ahead and ordered the doors, trusting that the money was there - you had been told it was there, for whatever you chose.

In future, make sure the money is in your hands - definitely not in SILs hands. Ever. Again. Don't involve her in anything at all ever. I take it you need the respite she offers occassionally (is she the one who interfered with DH's care btw?) but I would try to get respite on a more official footing if possible. ie cut this evil cow out of the loop.

I hope your tears turn to rage OP. She's bent MIL's ear and is probably skewing everything anyway. Take that as a given in future. I'm sorry you've got so much on your plate OP.

QuintessentialDread · 04/10/2011 11:38

Thanks Lydia, I get it now.

Kitty, I dont know your backstory, but I gather it was your dh that seemed to be developing early onset Alzheimers. I think I remember a thread from long ago. You have my full sympathies.

queenrollo · 04/10/2011 11:38

x posts heggerty

pollyblue · 04/10/2011 11:38

There's nothing like money to make a family fall out.

I can see why you're upset - and I don't see why your SIL feels she can tell you whether you can speak to your MIL or not - but I think what's done is done. And, TBH, if finding the money for the kitchen doors will mean you having to forgo a holiday - well, in all honesty (and I know you say it's a holiday your husband realy needs) I don't think that's too much of a hardship. We (DH, 3 DCs) haven't had a holiday in four years, despite working like the clappers. Lots of people don't have a holiday each year. If it's that much of a necessity for your DH, maybe your MIL will be thinking about helping out there?

Am not unsypathetic - have mental health problems in my close family - but i think all you can do it put it down to experience and be very, very careful if a similar situation arises again.

Original poster
kitty4paws · 04/10/2011 11:39

'My ESIS then organised and paid for some major work on the house to better accomodate DH needs.'

So you had a present from her of a dishwasher, then she did all this, and you still expected to have a grand sitting there to be used on what you wanted?

MY sister paid to have the house done , it was HER idea, I NEVER asked he to do it , but I am very , very greatful../

Buuut just becasue ESIS has paid for the house doe not meant I suddenly have money to do other things to the house.

it is dh's sister that had the £1000, my SIL.

I didnt EXPECT anything, it was offered, for whatever I wanted to spend it on.

OP posts:
heggertyhaggerty · 04/10/2011 11:39

Looks like a few of us were a bit confused!

Tianc · 04/10/2011 11:40

ILs promised kitty money, to spend on what she liked (after the dishwasher prob went away).

She spent it.

They retracted the promise.

heggertyhaggerty · 04/10/2011 11:41

Yes, sorry, I should have read it more carefully. I understand now. Thanks QR as well.

I think the MIL has just changed her mind. It happens, people do this.

It feels unfair but unless you believe there was questionable intention anywhere (ie on the part of SIL) then you can't really get this angry about it.

After all it was intended for a dishwasher. And you have now got one.

paddypoopants · 04/10/2011 11:41

YANBU- your sil is being controlling and nasty. You need to speak to your MIl- tell her you are horrified that she thinks you are misusing the money that was promised and that she feels harrassed and tell her that wasn't your intention. Tell her sil was rude and from now on you want to deal with her as you are upset that she would think you are being unreasonable. Your sil is a bit of work. You need to cut your sil out of the loop as much as you can.
Good luck.

Original poster
kitty4paws · 04/10/2011 11:41

Sorry . last post was a bt confusing

*So you had a present from her of a dishwasher, then she did all this, and you still expected to have a grand sitting there to be used on what you wanted?
*

MY sister paid to have the house done , it was HER idea, I NEVER asked he to do it , but I am very , very greatful../

Buuut just becasue ESIS has paid for the house doe not meant I suddenly have money to do other things to the house.

it is dh's sister that had the £1000, my SIL.

I didnt EXPECT anything, it was offered, for whatever I wanted to spend it on.

OP posts:
birdofparadise · 04/10/2011 11:41

I am sorry you are in this pickle and life sounds stressful generally. It does sound like DH's family are trying to help (ESIL has DH to stay, MIL was going to buy you a dishwasher but then SIL bought it for you, they have paid to have a major conversion of the house) so you need to give them credit for that and accept this may have been an unfortunate misunderstanding. Just one thing though - why was the £1000 ever given to your SIL to administrate? Does your MIL not trust you for some reason? Have you done anything in the past that would warrant her not wanting you to have control of the money? I do agree with the other posters that probably DH's DM had something in mind that would benefit him more directly than kitchen doors, and you do rightly recognise that this was your unilateral choice with no consultation. Money rarely comes without strings, unfortunately. But I can also agree that they should have let you know much earlier and more clearly if the money was not for anything you wanted to freely choose, and I second mistlethrush above.

Original poster
kitty4paws · 04/10/2011 11:43

After all it was intended for a dishwasher. And you have now got one

it WAS intended for a dishwasher but then for ANYTHING I wanted, ANYHTING,

then suddenly its ONLY for DH "futrure needs"

OP posts:
Blueberties · 04/10/2011 11:43

I agree with Springydaffs.

BettyCash · 04/10/2011 11:44

A less on for all of us in not spending cash we haven't actually GOT

Tianc · 04/10/2011 11:44

hegarty you are still not reading properly.

The problem now is not whether kitty has a dishwasher; it's that she's down a huge sum of money on doors that she would never have bought if she hadn't had that promise of £1000.

Original poster
kitty4paws · 04/10/2011 11:44

Bird,

SIL has often "looked after" money like this for her mother, so its not out of the ordinary. It did not even cross my mind that MIL woudl have done it becasue I can't be trusted.

Niave eh ?

OP posts:
worraliberty · 04/10/2011 11:45

It sounds to me as though your SIL is the one deciding you shouldn't get the money.

Perhaps she thinks you've had enough because of your Sister's extreme generosity, but it's not her decision to make.

I really would speak to your MIL about it.

Tianc · 04/10/2011 11:46

And I'm not reading properly, because that should have said heggerty. Blush

Original poster
kitty4paws · 04/10/2011 11:47

Springy

he is due to go up there in two weeks time.

I am soooooo close to jsut making up some "reason" why he isnt to go .

OP posts:
Bramshott · 04/10/2011 11:47

So MIL offered you £1,000, and now SIL has taken it because she thinks she needs it more to spend on "meals and coffees out"??

Original poster
kitty4paws · 04/10/2011 11:48

What I really hate is the fact that SIL spoke to my SIS (ESIS) abotu what was needed in the house NOt me, it my house !!

OP posts: