AIBU to be sat here in tears, it really is the last straw

[kitty4paws]

Quick back story,

DH diagnosed with MH issues, makes life VERY hard, everything comes down to me.

Ok the problem NOW is that DH's mum promised us £1000 to buy a dishwasher and have it fitted. Very shortly afterwards my eldest sister (ESIS) bought and had delivered a dishwasher as a ( very nice, thank you) gift. The £1000 was to be given to SIL to "manage" as MIL is quite elderly.

I spoke to SIl and we then agreed that the money could be spent on "other things" that would be needed in the house. it was left VERY open ,just a sort of "call when you need it" type converstaion.

My ESIS then organised and paid for some major work on the house to better accomodate DH needs.

Safe in the knowledge that I had £1000 sitting there , all I had to do was call SIL and arrange for when I needed the money I ordered new kitchen doors ( the old ones look PANTS in the "new" conversion , but MY choice I know).

background : Dh has been staying at SIL a few times to give me a break.

Well I rang to arrange said transferr of money ( sunday) to be told

SIL "I spoke with ESIS and she said that eveything had been done in the house so you didn't need the money for any house things. MIL has decided I can use the money for DH's needs when he comes to stay with me, I can't afford to keep buying he meals and coffees out. I thought it was better that it was not family money that was spent, speak to MIL if you ant to sort it out"

I was so agast that I couldn't think what to say and just said good bye

Then (putting on my BIG girl pants) I rang back and asked to speak to MIL ( who was staying with SIL at the time)

SIL "We have guests, we are chatting , you can call her when she gets home tomorrow, its very rude"

All VERY passive aggresive.

texts then followed

Me " I did not know you had guests, I object to being called "rude". "

SIL
"I was not saying you were rude but that it was of ME to be on the phone with guests here"

Me" Thanks for the clarification"

then today THIS email

Dear Kitty

I have had a discussion with Mum last night and this morning regarding the funds that she was going to provide for a dishwasher/washing machine. However as these and other appliances have been provided as part of the project on the house she has reconsidered how the money could be best used. She has decided that she will retain the funds to use as she sees fit - for DH's future needs.

My only involvement in this is in the role of transferring funds as instructed by Mum.

I would also ask you not to contact her about this matter. She was very upset by your persistent phone calls considering we had company as I had explained to you and also the manner of your text to me which was misconstrued.

Thanks
SIL

I am at a total loss as what to do. I would never had spent money on the doors , we haven't got it, but , the last I knew was that the money was there all I had to do was ask.

Dh by the way was very upset

" I don't want the £1000, its for my family, my FAMILY!"

If you have read this far, thank you ,

What do I do ???

the problem with using acronyms is that it confuses the story, from what I have read ops SISTER bought the dishwasher, SIL has now refused to hand the money over, because she is having some sort of conversation with Ops SISTER, which again begs the question why people continue to make decisions about your life for you Kitty, and go over your head and interfere. They seem to treat you with no respect at all. :(

I really think that you and DH need to speak direct to MIL about this without SIL there. Stuff SIL telling you not to contact MIL!

Sounds like SIL herself has decided to keep the money and perhaps told MIL a different story.

It's MIL money and if she doesn't want it spent on the doors, that's up to her, but you need to hear it from her, not SIL.

I don't see why she needs a thousand pounds for looking after him either. Again, if MIL wants to help out, fine, but something doesn't ring true here.

bramshot

Its (apparently) for when he goes to see SIL, I presumed he was using his own bank cards, I was NEVER toldf anything differently.

I am now worried that t he money is being kept back for some other "plan" SIl has in mind.

She has already nearly convinced DH to live up there ( but then he changes his mind like the weather)

The £1000 was to be given to SIL to "manage" as MIL is quite elderly.

I dont see why the money could not have been given to you in the first place? why should the SIL be involved in any of this...

OP, YANBU. I second calling MIL directly (never mind what SIL says) and discussing the need for a holiday for DH and how the money for the doors will take away from that. If she is still adamant then unfortunately you will have to write it off :( perhaps find a way to save between now and then? Birthday/xmas money towards the holiday - is that possible? Sorry that you're being kicked whilst your down.

Squeaky

They seem to treat you with no respect at all.

yep

So MIL gives you a gift of £1000, possibly as part of your continuing nightmare dealing with her MH son, she expressly says you can use it on the house and then SIL gets involved and it all goes tits up?

Poor you OP.

Can you not tell the all to fuck the fuck off and have nothing to do with any of them any more? Or do they give you a lot of real help with DH (by real help, I mean what he actually needs, not what they think he needs)?

Seems like SIL is creating and them and you situation, you need to deal with MIL on her own in person, preferably (if he can handle it) with your DH.

Font,

Dh going up to SIL is a help, buuuut now, with all these "strings" I don't know if its worth it

"She has already nearly convinced DH to live up there ( but then he changes his mind like the weather)"

ok, with this comment I'm even more convinced that you need to tell the whole lot of them to just back off.
you are the one who really understands your DH's needs and illness. Everyone else trying to put ideas into his head (knowing full well the implications of his illness) are just adding more stress - to you and your DH
I'm so sorry for you because I do understand that getting a break from the daily grind is necessary for you both, but maybe you really do need to look into getting that from somewhere other than family. They really are trying to push you out.

Font,

also Dh does love going up there,

( though the last time he went all his notes in his phone said every day was how much he wanted to come home)

Agree with polly that you can't beat money as the cause of family fallouts and especially "offered" money that doesn't get handed over straightaway without strings.

I also think (as I'm sure you do, now, OP) that it was unwise to order anything without actually having the funds to pay for it in your own bank account. However, I also think that far too many people are trying to control too many aspects of your life and somewhere along the line you've got to retake that control. Because no matter how helpful it might be for your SIL to share some of the care of your DH, if it comes with all these strings, you might well be happier struggling on your own without the emotional turmoil.

If SIL has decided to cut the line of contact with MIL then you need to tackle SIL directly, face to face, and tell her what you have told us. That you ordered the kitchen doors in good faith since you'd been repeatedly told that the money no longer required for the dishwasher was still available and now available for "anything". You called upon that money on this basis and whilst you aren't entitled to it, the consequences of its withdrawal now will affect your DH's mental health if you can no longer have a holiday. Again, nobody is entitled to a holiday and plenty of people spend many years merely dreaming of the chance to have one but clearly, from what you say, this is something that your DH benefits greatly from.

In future, however, I'd avoid any of these open-ended promises of money and I'd also rely rather less on what appear to be very controlling relatives.

As one who knows about family help with strings (big long tangled strings) I know how it feels to be stuck knowing you need the help but really not wanting to need it. Bit like being tangled in the damn strings with no scissors.

pandemoniaa

It is a lesson learnt, but i TRUSTED that the money was there, why wouldn't I ???

it would have felt wrong to have demanded the money first TBH

The more you post, the more it sounds like SIL has unilaterally decided to keep this money. I wouldn't be at all surprised if your MIl knows nothing about it, which is why you must talk to your MIL directly.

I am also horrified by all these people completely bypassing you to make decisions about your husband and your home. Part of this is your fault because you are accepting money and gifts from them. With these things come strings and a sense that they have bought the right to interfere. I understand that when you are struggling, it is hard to turn help down and help from family should be given without conditions or agenda. But in your family, help does come with strings, so you have to decide whether it is better for your own mental health to have less stuff and less 'help', but more autonomy over yours and DH's lives.

In your position I would a) talk to MIL directly. she may be in utter ignorance of all this and b)tell my SIL and sister to back the fuck off. Buying you stuff does not give them the right to treat you like a child and bypass you in the decision making.

no, Tianc, I am. See my other post about the MIL changing her mind.

I understand these doors need paying for and OP is upset at the change of plan however people do change their minds and perhaps the MIL has done so.

How much of it is influenced by SIL being naughty is another matter. It does sound like SIL is pulling strings a bit.

Is there any way the doors can be returned, have they already been fitted etc. If not you may have to suck it up and not have the holiday.

It's just really unfortunate. But it is the MIL's money. and it's unfair but she has the right to change her mind.

maybe they have changed their minds because in their view you are frittering the money away on needless things. Maybe they think you will forever more be there with your hand out, first the dishwasher, then the doors, then a holiday. and all the while your SIL is forking out for meals and whatever for your husband several times a week

not saying you are, just how they might see things

Sil was my a"team mate" against my evil SIS ( WHOLE other thread there) but then when she actuall got in touch with SIS suddentl I'm frozenn out again.

it honestly feels that ESIS, SIS and SIL are all "init together"

I feeel that I MUST be wrong, I MUST be failing , why else woudl they ALLL think I'm so C**P

No, you aren't crap, someone mentioned power and this is about power.

maybe they have changed their minds because in their view you are frittering the money away on needless things. Maybe they think you will forever more be there with your hand out, first the dishwasher, then the doors, then a holiday. and all the while your SIL is forking out for meals and whatever for your husband several times a week

I never asked for any of these things, they were OFFERED and I accepted them thankfully

You have to contact your MIL because you need the money. But she will take her daughter's side over yours.

You don't have to contact your sister in law.

You need a break from these people - they're doing your head in. It's not fair.

I get on very well with my family kitty but actually, back in the days when DM or my ILS might have offered financial help, I would have asked if the money could be transferred into my account first before I ordered anything. As would (grown-up) ds1 & 2 now. Not because they don't trust me but because it is so much easier all round if you know that you can fund your own purchases at the time you commit to buying them.

I tend to think that if people are going to get offended by being asked for the actual money they have promised upfront, then that money is going to come (or perhaps not) with some sort of emotional strings that are best avoided.

It only needs to be a temporary break, three or four weeks. That will help to give you a clear head and decide how you can move forward in the future. They seem to think their generosity has become your dependency.

You need to show them that you are not dependent on them. Not sulk: not withhold your husband from his family: but show them that you are not dependent.