to think other mums are shit at teaching sharing

[tifflins]

My children are no angels. My parenting is far from perfect, but I do try (really hard) to teach my 3 year old DS to share his toys, not only with friends who visit our home, but strangers in the park or whatever. He finds the whole sharing concept pretty annoying tbh but I persevere. Situation today whereby my son 'borrowed' another little boys' bucket at the splash pool. The other little boy got upset and just as I was telling my DS to give the bucket back, the little boy ran off and told his grandma that a nasty monster had 'stolen' his bucket. The grandma came over at the exact time my DS was (finally) giving back the bucket and said to me in an exasperating tone and heavy sarcastic sigh 'thank you' (as if I was colluding with my DS to steal another boys toy). The boy took his bucket back and promptly dismissed and didnt play with it. Another situation on holiday with friends showed me that my friends' sons toys belonged to him and him alone, but my DS toys were supposed to be shared with this other little boy. At no point on the holiday did she encourage her son to share his toys, despite me bending over backwards to get my DS to share. I mean, for fucks sake, whats wrong with some people?! Anybody elses thoughts on this would be great.

It's not the child at fault imo. Completely normal behaviour. It's the mum for not making sure it was returned because the other child should have been completely fine with having his stuff taken for an unknown amount of time by someone he doesn't know with no idea whether it will be returned sharing.

As an adult I would not want to "share" something of mine, even if it was only a book or magazine with a stranger who took it without asking. If someone asked nicely it might be different. So I wouldn't expect a child to be happy for someone to take their toy without asking. If someone is kind enough to share with you, then that's great, but it shouldn't be expected. My dds would be upset if someone took something of theirs without asking and when they were toddlers I didn't let them help themselves to other children's toys .

I wonder at what age you are supposed to stop being OK with this kind of 'sharing' and start to become annoyed if, for example, you put your phone down on a restaurant table and someone takes it without asking for a quick game of Angry Birds?

This thread is fascinating! And I've yet to encounter any sharing issues.

It brings to mind another dilemma. On another forum, there was a thread about children 'sharing' coin operated rides (in shopping centres, outside supermarkets etc).

When DS (now 20) was a toddler, he used to go on one & no other child ever tried to get on with him; apparently it is now the 'norm' for other children to 'hijack' the ride, when another parent has paid.

This got me to wondering what I will do in that case...DD (14 months), loves the Iggle Piggle ride in our shopping centre, and coos whenever she sees it.

I would love to let her have a go, and video her on it, but would be really pissed off if another child wanted to get on with her - especially in view of me wanting to video it.

I guess protocol, manners & entitlement have changed since DS was a child, as the scenario never occurred, and whilst it may 'nice' to let another child ride with yours, I think that it's awfully persumptious to even ask...hence poor DD hasn't yet been allowed to go on it

I only share with who I want to share with to be honest and that's few and far between! I'm nearly 50. The concept of making kids share everything is a bit ridiculous really.

I let other kids hijack rides cos dd is v.sociable and likes to have someone else on it with her. If they were trying to shove her off or if she just wanted to ride alone I'd get their parent to remove them.

Just an aside - has anyone noticed the children who wail at full volume that Y is mean and won't share announce X won't share are the ones ones who won't share even if heel freezes over themselves?

It's interesting that my DS is actually very happy to share most things but there are 2 children we meet who are terrible at sharing, always want what another has picked up straightaway and DS has always been funny about sharing with them.

I've never had another child try to hijack Igglepiggle. I do sometimes put a quid in because I've no 50p, then got bored waiting and let another child have the last ride. I'm nice like that :)

I don't see a problem with sharing a ride with another child, if You've put the money in, another child may as well get a go as well, as far as I'm concerned. What about at a funfair if it's busy and somebody else sits on a ride beside your child?

Fine, as long as you are prepared to let someone share your cab while you pay all the fare.

If I was going past someones door and getting a cab anyway I wouldn't ask them for money towards it

No, you're already in the cab and it's stopped at the traffic lights. The door has opened and some woman jumps in and says she fancies a go, destination unimportant. Still ok?

If so then fine, you are a better person than me, and I suspect, most other people.

the op does say 'just as i was telling ds to give it back the boy ran off' so it doesnt sound like she had much of a chance to get her son to give it back before the child went to tell. again understandable on the bucket owners half, but i still think its not hard to be polite in these situations.

and obviously we dont do it as adults cos we learn to ASK if we want to borrow something and to be ok if the owner says no, or as adults we offer things to others etc.

an adult wouldnt pick up and use a ipad etc that was lying around (well maybe to hand it in to lost property/police or of course nick it if they were an arsehole) but a young child doesnt always realise that another toy they have found disgarded belongs to someone else.

elder children do of course, my 6yrold and the elder 2 obv wouldnt pick up a disgarded toy, but they may look around and ask whose it is and if they could play with it, because they have learnt to do so!

learning to share, to be polite etc basically 'social norms' arent something that generally come naturally as such but they have to be taught and reinforced and learnt.

littlepiglet we recently took DS to the seaside and he went on one of those mini-teacup rides, with the three cups to ride around in.

I woman with a girl a little younger then DS was standing nearby and the little girl was desperate to get onto the ride but the woman kept saying she had spent all her change.

Whether she had or not I don't know, but our £1.00 was going in anyway and that meant all the cups would move but with just DS in them, and DS loves to have someone to play with so I said to let her ride.

We wasted spent about £6.00 on rides on the teacups and the little girl was on them all. The mother was very grateful and the children both enjoyed having someone to ride with.

That's the sort of sharing I don't mind.

But DS was nearly flattened by three other, older children trying to climb onto the Peppa Pig car ride with him and I made them get back off. It has two seats and no room for four children, pushy or polite.

4madboys - it's not so much that another adult would take something like that without asking, more making the point to the OP that she wouldn't like it or see it as sharing with them if they did.

With the cab thing tbh I would consider that quite deviant behaviour but if I was going past their door so it wouldn't cost me anything and there was room in the cab I would probably let them share - why not?

Thanks to those who read my original post correctly, especially Boobz.
Sorry to those who thought it was flippant and critical, but I do think alot of you are completely missing the point and seem rather angry about it.

I agree, children should be taught to ask permission, but how do you teach that to a very active 3 year old that in a packed public place? you should say "Darling, if you come across a discarded toy, you should stop, seek out the owner and ask their permission to play with it". He's 3 ffs! Many posters must have pretty intelligent pre-schoolers if their children can manage that.

Many of you have slagged me and my son off on this post and I would just like to say that I have never told off another mothers child for taking/borrowing/playing with something of my sons in a public place - they're kids, thats what they do! And that's my whole point about encouraging sharing. I certainly don't take the view that my son should help himself to whatever he wants.

Alot of you are obvioulsly such perfect mothers that you can manage to be two places at one time - amazing - I do hope I manage that in my neverending quest to 'hone my parenting skills'.

Pearl - your children sound absolutely perfect - congratulations to you on raising them without fault.

Littlepiglet - you'd rather deny your child a 50p shopping centre ride because you don't want it shared with another non-paying children? I am totally speechless.

wow

So its OK for you to say that other mums are shit at teaching sharing but not OK for anyone to criticise your less than perfect parenting. OK so long as we all know

Also no-one told your son off - they just said 'thankyou' in a way that you didn't like.

No-one is saying your parenting is shit - in fact you said as much obout other parents in your OP. BUT your DS took a toy without asking and you thought the other child should share it with him.

People are disagreeing saying they don't have to. And you have said you were asking your DS to give it back so that goes against what you think should happen anyway.

Your DS is only 3yo, when he gets to 6/7/8+ yo like many of us here have then after scooters, buckets spades etc forever going missing you may just see our point?

Op, for you

Thanks pocketfull.
a) i have not mentioned the word 'bullying' - i dont think im being bullied.
b) im not irate, i wouldnt get irate over an internet forum.
c) if you had read my previous posts, you will see that i am thankful for others' opinions - doesn't mean i have to agree with them.

I'd like to say to all you OLD mumsnetters, that this is not YOUR forum to own and that new people come along all the time who have just as much right to say what they want on AIBU - stop getting on your high horses cos you think you're experts!

I don't really understand your issue, OP. You clearly did think the toy should be returned as you were telling your child to do so. So what is the problem? Is it simply that you think the other child shouldn't have made a fuss?

You can't impose your standards of "sharing" on completely random strangers. Your son wanted the bucket. The other child didn't want to let him have it and got upset. You felt it necessary to return it to its upset owner. It seems pretty straightforward. If you want to encourage your child to share, then do so. But don't assume that others will necessarily be in agreement with your personal sharing manifesto - people have all sorts of views on what is appropriate on this issue - this thread is proof of that.

And as for your comment that " children should be taught to ask permission, but how do you teach that to a very active 3 year old that in a packed public place? you should say "Darling, if you come across a discarded toy, you should stop, seek out the owner and ask their permission to play with it". He's 3 ffs! Many posters must have pretty intelligent pre-schoolers if their children can manage that." - again, it seems much simpler than that to me. I just say "DS, that isn't yours. Put it back." Seems to work pretty well!

"I agree, children should be taught to ask permission, but how do you teach that to a very active 3 year old"

Whenever your child picks up something that is not his, or is not provided for any children to play with (e.g. toddler group) you say "That's not yours, put/give it back please". If you do this from the start, they soon get the message.

"I have never told off another mothers child for taking/borrowing/playing with something of my sons in a public place - they're kids, thats what they do! And that's my whole point about encouraging sharing."

Yes, and you are absolutely entitled to teach your son to share his things, in whichever way you choose. Most posters have agreed with you that kids do take things, and it's not their fault. I wouldn't 'tell a child off' either. But I would ask them politely to give it back, and expect them to do so. Many of us believe that children (like adults) have a right not to share their belongings, especially with strangers. This is also a valid parenting choice.