to think other mums are shit at teaching sharing

[tifflins]

My children are no angels. My parenting is far from perfect, but I do try (really hard) to teach my 3 year old DS to share his toys, not only with friends who visit our home, but strangers in the park or whatever. He finds the whole sharing concept pretty annoying tbh but I persevere. Situation today whereby my son 'borrowed' another little boys' bucket at the splash pool. The other little boy got upset and just as I was telling my DS to give the bucket back, the little boy ran off and told his grandma that a nasty monster had 'stolen' his bucket. The grandma came over at the exact time my DS was (finally) giving back the bucket and said to me in an exasperating tone and heavy sarcastic sigh 'thank you' (as if I was colluding with my DS to steal another boys toy). The boy took his bucket back and promptly dismissed and didnt play with it. Another situation on holiday with friends showed me that my friends' sons toys belonged to him and him alone, but my DS toys were supposed to be shared with this other little boy. At no point on the holiday did she encourage her son to share his toys, despite me bending over backwards to get my DS to share. I mean, for fucks sake, whats wrong with some people?! Anybody elses thoughts on this would be great.

4madboys - did you actually ask the mum at toddler group to let your son have a go with the toy? I mean while she was "looking after it".

"Random strangers taking things without askin is called stealing"

Exactly! Of course pre-schoolers don't understand this- yet. It's our job to teach them. And it goes both ways. They don't take other things without asking, and they have the right to expect that other people won't just come along and take their belongings.

"I must make sure I am more of a perfect mother next time."

You started with the sweeping generalisations about other mothers being shit. Perhaps Other Mothers have other children to deal with, perhaps they have taught their child to share but, being only little, they ar consistent or perhaps their child likes to be asked. How are they in the wrong and you in the right?

You have a long hard parenting road ahead of you if you think stuff is black and white.

yes, and it was OBVIOUS ds4 wanted to have a go, HE even went up and asked her for it/tried to play with it NUMEROUS times, but she said she was 'watching it' for her little darling

tbf her boy is quite hard work and prone to tantrums etc, he has pushed, shoved and thrown my ds4 to the floor by pulling on his clothes numerous times! but she doesnt do much about it tbh. i GET that he is difficult (my own ds2 was similar at that age, well a bit younger actually) but imo she is NOT helping the situation in the way that she panders to him and doesnt tell him off! he has startes school now, so i am guessing the teachers will have fun!

They are a pack of 20 matchbox cars that cost a fiver shpp. It is impossible for small children to take cars the size of their hand to the beach without losing one every now and then.

I could of course spend half an hour digging in the sand looking for it but I can't be arsed - I used to do it but it is a pointless and thankless task excavating 1/2 a mile of beach and rarely does it yield any results. Once all the cars have gone though, there are no replacements, so DS does have an incentive to find them.

:o at 'my attitude' - I feel like I'm going to be put on the naughty step any minute now

oh yes cristina, we have lost matchbox cars at the beach, in the sand at the park etc, they are always getting buried.

still its nice for the next child to come along and find some 'treasure'

4madboys - sounds like the mother is indeed a twat then.

You, by your own admission, do have the attitude that if the toys are cheap it doesn't matter if one a week get lost. I wouldn't personally care how much something cost I want my dc to take care of it.

If my young DS had picked up something in a splash that wasn't his, I would immediately take it off him and put it down or give it back to its owner. I wouldn't enter into any negotiations, or explanations with him, I would simply say "No that's not your bucket" and take it off him. We were at the local park a few weeks ago and DS went and climbed on a ride-on toy motorbike another little boy had taken there, and I made him get off instantly as it wasn't his to play on. It didn't occur to me to think that the bike's owner should let him have a turn. It wasn't DS's to play on and that was that.

That is the way I look at it 4madboys :) Plus it amuses me to think of those blokes who trawl the beach with metal detectors every evening getting really excited at a potential big stash and turning up a really cheap toy car :o

I think it is nice for kids to let a child have a turn with their stuff. But it's also good manners to ask and not just assume you have an automatic right to other peoples property.

shpp - blimey, your judgey pants must be chafing your armpits

What judgey because I have a different view to you? Why is that a problem? We don't all have to be the same you know!

God, it's very rare I am on the OP's side when she is taking a pasting and everyone thinks she is being unreasonable. I think your thread title is inflammartory which probably didn't help OP, but I'm more on your side of the fence with this one. I rty to teach DD to share and if I was the grandma at the pool, I would have said to the my DGS "If you're not playing with it, then shall we let this little boy play with it?". If he genuinely WAS playing with it, or wanted to now even if he wasn't before, I would probably say "well when you've finished with it, let this little boy have a turn" and then kept my eye on it to check it didn't get taken home by the OP by mistake!

To the poster that said 3 is too young to understand sharing, I honestly believe my 2.5 year old "gets it" even though she doesn't always like it (just like adults!) she shares with other kids and her younger sister quite well after a lot of coaching.

In fact it is you who is coming across as 'I don't mind my child losing toys so no-one else should either'

oggy i wouldnt go that far :) she does seem nice enough, and like i said her little boy is quite hard work, she also has another younger child and i think he struggled with the arrival of a sibling, she certainly did, so part of me feels for her, but on the otherhand it was HUGELY fucking annoying.

i dont claim to be a perfect parent, hell i muddle along with the best of them, but i really dont think she was doing herself or her son any favours in letting him behave the way he did.

i am all for 'picking you battles' but some things like being mean, hitting, etc are NON negotiable in this house!

and Iloathemickey i would have taken it off my child, but i would have said to my son that he COULD if he wanted ASK the child if they would mind sharing, if they say no, then thats the end of it, but its ok to teach them to ask. and i always encourage mine to share at the park etc. they dont have to, but it is nice to encourage it.

but then with 5 kids there is a lot of sharing in my house along with the usual fighting, squabbling etc, so my kids are fairly used to sharing. they do however have their precious things that they DONT have to share, ie fave cuddlies, comforters, brand new toys etc, but they are the kind of things i dont take out with us!

Boobz the other child obviously wanted it back. He shouldn't have had to go and 'tell' on the op's ds imo. I'm not surprised the grandma was then pissed off tbh. Would you encourage your kids to take things without asking?

My kids share with the friends, in our home or in theirs. Strangers at the beach/park - not encouraged because things have been known to go walk abouts!

They are pretty good at sharing tbh, but if they are in public, they aren't obliged to share with someone they don't know.

I don't know where you get that from shpp! I would be really cross if DS lost any other of his toys.

Oh gawd the sharing thing. Now I'm not having a go at the OP particularly, though maybe she was being a bit precious in calling taking someone else's bucket "sharing". But the amount people go on at their kids about sharing, and being smuyg if their kids share - it's so annoying that the actual word itself is starting to make my teeth itch.

As others have said, we don't expect to share our stuff with all and sundry - and that includes friends. Yes I might lend a friend something if they ask, or share my picnic rug on a day out. But not the things I really treasure. Yes, sharing is sweet, playing together is nice, and I praise my DS when he shares nicely with his baby sister. But I still defend hs right to play on his own with his own stuff if he feels like it.

I know one mum who constantly says to her DC "It's nice to shaaaaarrrre" in an icky baby voice and it makes me want to scream!

Ladyword, that phrase your friend uses would annoy me too, mind you anyone who speaks to their children in a baby voice gets on my nerves.

I wouldn't make my child share his toys with a stranger. Communal toys at playgroups etc. have to be shared.

I have to admit I do get a bit irritated by people who take their own special toys to the sandpit (already toys there) and putting them in a pile that is not to be touched by anyone but their own child. Child ignores in favour of the new to them communal stuff but I have to pick DS (13mo) up and put him at the opposite end of the sandpit with a "those aren't your toys" every two minutes.

If they're not playing with them then they should be put away if they don't want other children to touch them.

Hmmm - OP, I wouldn't expect my dc to share their toys at a public swimming pool or on the beach, things tend to go walkies. My children are expected to share their toys with friends /people they know though, but strangers? - not so much!

YAB a bit U

OK well we will have to agree to differ that kids should only take out stuff they don't mind losing. I think kids should be able to take out whatever they like without other kids thinking they can help themselves under the guise of sharing.

the main reason i dont let mine take out 'precious' stuff is not really sharing, but more to do with the fact that in the main they are comforters that they use for sleep and i dont want to loose them!

ds4 does however take one of his comfort blankets out with his sometimes, i tend to say that he should leave it in the pushchair whilst he is playing but then its there if he is upset/tired etc and i wouldnt say he had to share that at all, tho why another child would want to play with a manky blanket full of holes is beyond me (some have wanted to tho andi have just explained that its his special blanket and therefore he wont be sharing it) actually he has on occasion given it to a child that is crying or uspet which is very sweet :)