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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think other mums are shit at teaching sharing

208 replies

tifflins · 03/10/2011 20:34

My children are no angels. My parenting is far from perfect, but I do try (really hard) to teach my 3 year old DS to share his toys, not only with friends who visit our home, but strangers in the park or whatever. He finds the whole sharing concept pretty annoying tbh but I persevere. Situation today whereby my son 'borrowed' another little boys' bucket at the splash pool. The other little boy got upset and just as I was telling my DS to give the bucket back, the little boy ran off and told his grandma that a nasty monster had 'stolen' his bucket. The grandma came over at the exact time my DS was (finally) giving back the bucket and said to me in an exasperating tone and heavy sarcastic sigh 'thank you' (as if I was colluding with my DS to steal another boys toy). The boy took his bucket back and promptly dismissed and didnt play with it. Another situation on holiday with friends showed me that my friends' sons toys belonged to him and him alone, but my DS toys were supposed to be shared with this other little boy. At no point on the holiday did she encourage her son to share his toys, despite me bending over backwards to get my DS to share. I mean, for fucks sake, whats wrong with some people?! Anybody elses thoughts on this would be great.

OP posts:
Original poster
tifflins · 03/10/2011 21:59

My car's only worth 300 quid.

OP posts:
pozzled · 03/10/2011 22:00

I teach DD that it's important to share with her friends, especially if they come to our house to play. And at toddler groups she has to share, because the toys don't belong to her. But she doesn't have to share her favourite toys if she doesn't want to. She doesn't have to give up something that she is playing with- the other child needs to wait until she has had a turn. Obviously she must also wait her turn if she wants another child to share.

I'm afraid that I wouldn't particularly encourage her to share her own toys in the splash pool situation. I'm struggling to think of a situation where I would let strangers use my belongings in a public place, so I don't see why my children should have to.

SexualHarrassmentPandaPop · 03/10/2011 22:00

That he is made to share but others can choose whether to share their stuff or not. So I presume that if Cristinas child has toys and another child has toys there could be a situation where the other child was playing with all the toys and not sharing his and her ds would have to share but not take leaving him with nothing to play with. I think most kids would feel that was unjust.

TakeThisOneHereForAStart · 03/10/2011 22:01

So you wouldn't mind random strangers taking it without asking?

Oggy · 03/10/2011 22:02

SHPP I think what Cristina means is that everything (except precious items, whatever thay may be) is fair game but if a child (her own or another) wants something of their own back, they get it back.

I agree with you that most things are "precious" to the average young child.

tethersend · 03/10/2011 22:03

My DD is nearly three and has no idea how to share.

She doesn't take stuff from other children but as soon as another child comes up to her or wants what she's got, she gives it to them and runs away.

My point is that what may look to adults on the surface like 'good sharing' can be behaviour from a child who has no concept of sharing whatsoever.

A child giving up their toys shows no more understanding of sharing than a child taking toys off others.

Original poster
tifflins · 03/10/2011 22:06

Random strangers taking things without askin is called stealing, usually committed by fully grown human adults. We are talking about pre-schoolers on a day out!

OP posts:
SexualHarrassmentPandaPop · 03/10/2011 22:10

Yes and it was your job as the adult to make sure the item was returned!

thisisyesterday · 03/10/2011 22:49

and to tell your son to ask first

LikeACandleButNotQuite · 03/10/2011 22:54

Sharing to me is waiting for one person to finish with it before you use it. Eg DD1 playing with a doll that DD2 wants. DD2 (in mho) should be told DD1 is playing with it at the moment, you must wait your turn. NOT as is often the case DD1 being told "you've had it long enough, let DD2 play with it for a bit". That would infuriate me.

Mind, once the doll is finished being played with it's fair game to all.

n.b I do not have a DD1 or 2, but thought it best as a way of describing what I wanted to say Smile

Dexifehatz · 03/10/2011 23:24

If it's 'communal' then share. If not then negotiation is the best way to go.

Morloth · 04/10/2011 03:52

I am one of 6 children, I don't share, not willingly anyway and never ever food. You put your hand near my plate and you are pulling back a bloody stump.

I don't mind at the park or whatever if someone uses one of the DS's toys if they are not currently using it, if however they want it back then I am going to ask for it back and expect it to be handed over. Same in reverse, I will allow them to use someone else's discarded stuff (in the same place obviously) but if the kid wants it back, back it goes. They also both have things that they do not have to share at all if they don't want to.

DS1 will give you the shirt off his back if you ask for it. DS2 will claw your face off if you touch his stuff...

rogersmellyonthetelly · 04/10/2011 07:18

I have taught from very early on (3years ish) that if it's not yours you don't touch it unless you have asked the owner. That includes buckets on te beach. My children are also expected to share their stuff within reason or take turns, they accept that this is part of normal social behaviour when they are playing with other children.
To be fair if my child had it's bucket taken by another child, I think there would be some uncertainty from my kids about sharing as
They may feel it was about to be tAken again, or that the other child had already had it's turn.

rogersmellyonthetelly · 04/10/2011 07:19

I have taught from very early on (3years ish) that if it's not yours you don't touch it unless you have asked the owner. That includes buckets on te beach. My children are also expected to share their stuff within reason or take turns, they accept that this is part of normal social behaviour when they are playing with other children.
To be fair if my child had it's bucket taken by another child, I think there would be some uncertainty from my kids about sharing as
They may feel it was about to be tAken again, or that the other child had already had it's turn.

diddl · 04/10/2011 07:32

I´m with roger

If it´s not yours, you don´t just take it.

How is that sharing?

sunnydelight · 04/10/2011 07:34

Your post made me laugh Morloth - I have a lot of friends who grew up in big Irish families who say the same!

When DS1 was little we had no garden and lived in the local parks, the whole "that's not your bucket darling, give it back" thing put years on me. Of course you should teach your children to share but that doesn't mean letting every random take your stuff whenever they feel like it. Having to wait for ten minutes when you want to go home while some mum negotiates with her wailing child for the return of YOUR KID'S toy is a major pita. I remember one particularly cheeky cow suggesting she'd return something the next day as she didn't have the spine to deal with it.

youarekidding · 04/10/2011 07:50

You can't 'share' 1 toy!

It was the boys bucket which your DS decided to use without asking and you class it as sharing. He should have asked it was not people you were visiting who had invited you round to their house to use their facilities.

I also agree with TIY about some things they have being theres. DS has toys stored safely that he alone plays with of the value - money and sentament!

I agree with sharing but ultimatly more about taking turns. I've never expected DS to give up something he is playing with because another child wants it - I will however suggests he has a turn and then gives it to that child instead of just disguarding it. So he is I suppose sharing because he is saying your turn now.

The other day DS was playing with a ball in the pool - found it in there and lifeguard said he could use it as it had been left.
Friends DD decided she wanted a turn so I suggested they play catch with it. DS was fine with this and threw ball to the girl who refused to give it back because she didn't want to. DS was getting frustrated and tbh it was clear my friend felt he should give it to her by her paltry attempts at persading her DD to return it. I simply said either play with him or give it back until he has finished and then she can have a turn. I would have suggested DS played a little longer and then gave it up had she not behaved this way but don't feel children should get what they want - rewarded for being mean - just because they make the biggest fuss.
My friend played with her DD and 5 minutes later DS asked if the girl wanted to play catch again - she ignored him. A few minutes later he gave her the ball as he wanted to play with another boy and she very rudely said she didn't want it now and my friend told him 'it was too late now to decide to share' Shock
Sorry for rant but it does annoy me that a child can be made out to be mean just for not giving a nearly 8 yo something they want when they do.

4madboys · 04/10/2011 08:13

well if it had been me and my kid wasnt using it i would have encouraged them to share it and let your little boy have a turn.

when we go to the park etc i will encourage the boys to share, obv little children dont always ask, but i will remind mine to ask and if the child doesnt want to share then i will simply explain to my boys that they dont want to/feel like sharing at the moment and that is fine.

interestingly my ds1 is not, even at 12yrs old, very good at sharing, whilst d2 who is 9 is overly generous and often gives stuff away and is more than happy to share, even brand new birthday presents etc.

i think it is nice to encourage sharing, even with strangers, but i wouldnt force a child to share.

i did find it irritating at a toddler group i went to when one 4yr old boy hogged a particular toy for the WHOLE session, my ds4 was desperate to have a go, but i explained to him that the child didnt want to share today. what was MORE annoying was that even when this boy WASNT playing with the toy his mother 'looked after' it whilst he went off and did other things so that no other child could play with it even when her son wasnt! that imo isnt right, esp at a toddler group when the toys ARE communal!

cantspel · 04/10/2011 08:21

Sharing is vastly overated.
Why should my child have to give up something of his so that some other random child can have a turn?
I bought my boys up to look after their things and if you are sharing them out with randoms then sooner or later someone will break something or nick it.
My boys are now teenagers and will offer their friends a piece of gum or mint if they have them but no way are they sharing their ipods.

CristinadellaPizza · 04/10/2011 08:34

Morloth said what I wanted to say much better than I put it :o

DS genuinely doesn't mind sharing a lot of the time - we have extras of all the toys we take to the beach because he's an only child, I want him to play with other kids. But like I say, none of it is precious (are some of you saying that every single matchbox car is equally loved by your DC? Given we lose them at a rate of 1 a week we would spend our lives in a state of perpetual devastation if that were the case here)

halcyondays · 04/10/2011 08:41

How can you lose one a week?? I like to encourage my children to look after their belongings. To most children, their toys are precious and plenty of children like to bring favourite toys out with them, especially soft toys. If someone decided to "share" one of dd2's Backyardigans without asking, she would NOT be happy.

MonaLotte · 04/10/2011 08:52

YABU

That is not sharing, that is taking something without asking! You son should have asked if he could have a shot. If he is too little to ask himself without prompting, you should have spoken to him when you noticed that he had taken it.

This happens a lot when we go to other people's houses or playgroups. Sharing is not just taking things because you want to play with it. It really irritates me when DS is happily playing with a toy and minding his own business, then a boy or girl comes and takes it off him. My DS gets upset and then the parent will say to my son "Oh you need to share", or something similar. I want to shout "THAT IS NOT SHARING!".

Sorry rant over Blush

LapsedPacifist · 04/10/2011 09:07

OP, perhaps you need to swot up on child development before you criticise other parents for not "teaching" stuff to their toddlers that they are too young to undertand.

3 is far too young to get the concept of "sharing" one toy, never mind being capable of negotiating, planning and carrying through such an activity. 3 year olds can just about understand "taking in turns" with each having dibs for a (very brief) supervised period.

CristinadellaPizza · 04/10/2011 09:08

We live by the beach so we go nearly every day and inevitably a car gets lost in the sand every now and then - it's really not a big deal and certainly nothing to do with my not encouraging him to look after his toys. Neither he nor I would have much fun if I had to monitor his playing to make sure none of the cars ever got lost.

Favourite toys are not allowed at the beach whether he wants to take them or not.

SexualHarrassmentPandaPop · 04/10/2011 09:09

Well Cristina I think your attitude is why your kids lose one toy a week! DD has lost a few things - but I can count them on one hand in 4 years! I couldn't afford to just shrug off losing one toy a week!
DD has favourite toys. But none that she doesn't care about at all (if that was the case they'd be off to the charity shop sharpish as we don't have the room for toys that aren't wanted/played with). If they are wanted/played with then there will be would be some level of disappointment if someone just walked off with one of them.