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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask my nanny to sleep in the lounge?

196 replies

LaLaLaLayla · 03/10/2011 08:05

OK, a bit of background... we live in the gulf where there are no childminders or after-school care. School finishes at 1.30 pm. In situations where both parents have to work, the only viable option is to employ live-in help.

So, we are employing a girl from the Philipinnes and she arrives in the next week or so. We are currently living in a 2 bedroom apartment but plan to move to a small 3-bedroomed house within the next few months. We have a 6 year DS who has his own room. So, we don't have enough bedrooms for her to have her own room at the moment. It is only temporary, but still, I want her to be comfortable.

These are our options...

  1. We could rent her a studio apartment somewhere, but public transport is limited and she doesn't drive.
  1. We could turf our son out of his bedroom and put him in with us so she could have his room. I am reluctant to do this, as I can imagine there being a few problems when it is time to move him back into his own room.
  1. She could sleep on some kind of put-you-up bed in the lounge and we would make it a rule to vacate the lounge by 10 pm every evening, say. She could use one of the cupboards in my DS room to keep her things. She would also have her own bathroom.

Now, I much prefer the third option, but is is not ideal as I think she needs her own space. So I was thinking of paying her 25% of her salary on top, as a kind of 'inconvenience payment'. This is about what we would have to pay for a studio flat anyway and I would rather give it to her. She is coming to work to support her family, so I imagine the extra cash would be handy.

But is it totally unreasonable to ask this of her? If I ask her, I know she will just give me the answer she thinks I want to hear. I would really welcome some views on this, as I don't know what to do.

Thanks.

OP posts:
BatsUpMeNightie · 03/10/2011 08:07

Are you taking the piss?

barbie1 · 03/10/2011 08:10

Could you not postpone her arrival until you move? I am also in the gulf and there are plenty of agencies that provide childminding if you pay by the hour.

Is there anyway you can contact her to see if it will be a problem for her to sleep in the lounge for a short time, explain the situation. Rather than her to turn upon your doorstep and be terribly unhappy with the situation.

AKMD · 03/10/2011 08:10

I think you should either rent her the studio apartment or you and DH move into the lounge. I know the extra money would be useful to her but it isn't fair to deprive her of her own space and I can imagine it being a short-lived stay if she has nowhere to unwind away from her employers.

fivegomadindorset · 03/10/2011 08:12

Yes it is totakky unreasonable and can't believe you are even thinking about this.

barbie1 · 03/10/2011 08:12

Or how about paying for her to stay in a serviced apartment? Cheaper for you and then you can afford to pay her taxi fare to and fro...

LaurieFairyCake · 03/10/2011 08:12

You take your son in with you - anything else makes you an exploiter of a person more vulnerable than you.

And your son is 6 ffs -old enough to be told to move back to his own bedroom with the minimum of fuss. If he gets his own bedroom while the nanny doesn't then you're not doing your son any favours as he will naturally think she is less than him.

hairylights · 03/10/2011 08:12

Yabvu!

upahill · 03/10/2011 08:13

I think if you should do option 2 if it is a temporory thing.

I would not be happy turning up for work and finding my space was the family room!

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 03/10/2011 08:13

Yes, it is very very unreasonable indeed.

stripeybump · 03/10/2011 08:15

I think this isn't really a question that can e answered by UK parents - you need to find gulf-based advice. In the UK it would be totally unreasonable to ask her to stay in the lounge with no personal space so I'd say no.

Can you rent her a studio and pay for taxis each day?

chopchopbusybusy · 03/10/2011 08:21

Well I was going to say YABU until I saw that you are willing to pay 25% extra to her. Why don't you offer her the choice. 25% extra and sleep in the lounge or a studio apartment (with taxi).

FellatioNelson · 03/10/2011 08:22

This just will not work. She will have absolutely nowhere to go for any privacy until you have chosen to go to bed, and it will drive both you and her nuts. I think you should let her have your son's room until you are able to move house, or put her in rented accommodation for a little while.

TheRealMBJ · 03/10/2011 08:25

Your only reasonable options are to rent a studio for her and provide transport or take your son in with you. She has a right to dignity private space and despite coming from an underprivileged country it would be exploitation to even ask her to stay in the sitting room.

She might accept the money as her family (in the Philipines) would probably be very grateful for it, but it doesn't make it right.

AnyoneButLulu · 03/10/2011 08:25

Option 2, the reason you've given against it is a non-issue.

cory · 03/10/2011 08:26

I don't see why your son can't move; children need to learn to be adaptable. The lounge solution will make you all very uncomfortable.

lesley33 · 03/10/2011 08:27

YABVU and I don't think you would even consider this if you were in the UK. Just because you can exploit someone doesn't make it right.

Tryharder · 03/10/2011 08:29

I'm sure a lot of people will come along later and tell you how unreasonable you are being etc etc but I have worked abroad in an "ex pat" situation and believe me any of the things you are suggesting seem very, very fair and go beyond what this lady will be expecting. Believe me, I have witnessed how some expat families treat their domestics and it is not nice. I knew one family who made the nanny sleep in the downstairs bathroom and another woman who "fined" her housekeeper in the event of a missing 10p, broken cup etc.

Tryharder · 03/10/2011 08:30

Eek. Too many "believe me"s in that sentence. Been up since 5am so excuse me...

fraktious · 03/10/2011 08:31

YABVU. Appt or DS with you. He is old enough to understand.

Original poster
LaLaLaLayla · 03/10/2011 08:32

lesley33, I find your post very offensive. No-one is exploiting anyone here, as I said we were willing to pay her an extra 25% on top of her salary for the inconvenience.

I have taken all of your comments on boards and I agree, she does need her own space. I am still not sure how we will do this, though. Does anybody have any other suggestions? I am wondering if there is something we haven't thought of yet.

OP posts:
lizzie83 · 03/10/2011 08:32

As a nanny myself I would find it really unsuitable and certainly would not feel appreciated if my bedroom was the family room. She needs her own space other wise it will be awkward for everyone concerned, just move your son in with you. It is only temporary.

fraktious · 03/10/2011 08:32

Oh and I'm nonUK, DS shares with us so our nanny can have her own room.

TheRealMBJ · 03/10/2011 08:33

Tryharder just because other people are cunts and get away woth it doesn't mean that OP should be one too.

FellatioNelson · 03/10/2011 08:33

OP have you actually had live-in help before? Because I have, and please do not under-estimate how hard it can be to adjust to having someone from another country/culture who is all alone and has no-one but you in their lives except you, living in your house 24/7 anyway. Even with their own room it can be a struggle at first. This situation will have you all wanting to kill one another after a fortnight, which is hardly fair on her.

BoffinMum · 03/10/2011 08:33

You should put her in your son's room and put him back in with you until the house move.

Anything else isn't very nice to the nanny.