to ask my nanny to sleep in the lounge?

[LaLaLaLayla]

OK, a bit of background... we live in the gulf where there are no childminders or after-school care. School finishes at 1.30 pm. In situations where both parents have to work, the only viable option is to employ live-in help.

So, we are employing a girl from the Philipinnes and she arrives in the next week or so. We are currently living in a 2 bedroom apartment but plan to move to a small 3-bedroomed house within the next few months. We have a 6 year DS who has his own room. So, we don't have enough bedrooms for her to have her own room at the moment. It is only temporary, but still, I want her to be comfortable.

These are our options...

1. We could rent her a studio apartment somewhere, but public transport is limited and she doesn't drive.

1. We could turf our son out of his bedroom and put him in with us so she could have his room. I am reluctant to do this, as I can imagine there being a few problems when it is time to move him back into his own room.

1. She could sleep on some kind of put-you-up bed in the lounge and we would make it a rule to vacate the lounge by 10 pm every evening, say. She could use one of the cupboards in my DS room to keep her things. She would also have her own bathroom.

Now, I much prefer the third option, but is is not ideal as I think she needs her own space. So I was thinking of paying her 25% of her salary on top, as a kind of 'inconvenience payment'. This is about what we would have to pay for a studio flat anyway and I would rather give it to her. She is coming to work to support her family, so I imagine the extra cash would be handy.

But is it totally unreasonable to ask this of her? If I ask her, I know she will just give me the answer she thinks I want to hear. I would really welcome some views on this, as I don't know what to do.

Thanks.

Tyelperion, like I said, I don't expect that people today will really change what they're doing. It's an entrenched system that will only change in the long run. But personally, I think the least we can do is recognise its bad side and our role in perpetuating it. Instead it seems to me that a lot of people act like it's all positives.

Bottle, I hear what you're saying in your last post, but I honestly don't think I'm being a cultural imperialist. I don't think it's crazy to think that most Mexican and Filipino mums would rather have a job where they see their kids more than once a year, if this was possible. Of course all societies have different expectations of parenthood (although the extent to which these have been modified by colonial exploitation is a whole other story) but in my own experience I have not been anywhere that it would not be hard for women to leave their children for very long periods of time. They might get on with it, because lots of people do it, but it would not be easy.

Real you may be right

anyway apologies to the OP, I know this is a big tangent I guess

No worries. It's an interesting discussion. I can't bring about revolution in the Philippines, nor can I do anything about the apartheid system in the Gulf (of which I am also a victim). All I can do is treat our staff fairly and pay them well. That is all I have ever tried to do.

Well said LaLa, I hope it all works out

Thanks :-). I have just spoken to her on Facebook, she is very excited about coming out. I have also told DS that he is going to be sleeping with mummy & daddy until we move. He is thrillled. I can't get over the fear that he's still going to be in our room when he's 17...

Dont' worry about that LaLa - my DS3 co-slept with us pretty much permanently until he was about 9 - we couldn't persuade him to spend an entire night in his own bed for anything. After moaning and despairing about it for years, he is now 12, and I sometimes beg him to sleep with me, and now I can't persuade him to sleep with me for anything!

Thanks - that's reassuring

The thing that is worrying me is that he is terrible to share a bed with. He snores and invariably ends up horizontal across the bed. I suffer dreadfully with insomnia and am quite precious about my sleep as I drive to work on one of the most dangerous roads and need to have my wits about me.

Don't talk to me about dangerous roads and Arabic driving techniques. I am trying hard not to think about it. I am in denial. My DH asked me what kind of car I wanted him to buy me and I said 'Whatever has the most airbags. Or a tank.'

Only three days to go. I better start on the Beta Blockers now.

Lala, you didn't mention before that your son would have to share your bed! Do you have space in your room for a small bed or mattress for him?

What about a ready bed type thing for him n earplugs for you?

No, there just isn't the room. This flat is tiny. When we took on the lease, I had no intention of returning to work so we didn't need a helper.

Gosh. Do you have any friends/colleagues out there who could put her up in a spare room (you could pay rent to them)?

Not having a go at the OP, who sounds fab, but on the wider issue of immigrant "helpers", while the perception of certain domestic arrangements (normality/acceptability of room-sharing) may be culturally relative, the pain of being separated from your family for years, and the fear of never getting to go home again, really isn't. I have known 2 people (an Indian man and a Filipina woman) who have years of experience of working in the Gulf states. Their stories are heartbreaking. I met them socially and I can assure you that if you are an employer in that environment, or are even of the "employing class", you will never get to hear what immigrant workers really think about their situation. Many, if not most, of them are treated appallingly, and as an employer the onus is on you to act irreproachably and to pressure your expat friends and colleagues to do the same.

No, that's illegal here wellwisher. The laws surrounding domestic staff are very complex.

Sorry not read whole thread, just OP but yes, YABU.

Nanny should have somewhere that is her own space, not just for her things and to sleep but that is her own space.

If you think sleeping in the lounge is reasonable then perhaps you and your partner can sleep there and give nanny your bedroom until you move.

Will now read whole thread and find this message is totally irrelevant so apologies now if this is the case.

Ok, read posts in last page and see OP is moving son in with her - will back out of thread with tail between legs.

Oggy: If you think sleeping in the lounge is reasonable then perhaps you and your partner can sleep there and give nanny your bedroom until you move.

Actually OP, would that work? Just wondering if you might get more sleep if one of you slept in the lounge and the other shared the double bed with DS rather than all 3 of you in one bed...

I think you sound a very thoughtful employer OP and you're right, she might well value the additional income more than her own privacy. But 1) it would be hellish having someone living in your living room, trust me and 2) you need to think about the messages and values your teach your DS. Its a great lesson for your DS and yourselves to be inconvenienced in order to preserve the dignity and status of someone who works in your home.

Good luck OP. We have an incredible nanny working for us who is Filipino (we live in Sudan) and is now part of our family. She lives in with us, has her own little house next to our house and seems very happy. She misses her daughter back home, of course, but we are paying for her to go back for 2 months to spend the school holidays together, and then, fingers crossed, bringing her back to the UK with us after that.

I hope your DS ends up loving your nanny as much as my DDs love theirs. We have been so lucky.

lala - hope it all works out.

Wellwisher - sometimes there's only so much you can do. Our neighbours are abusing their maid (although they wouldn't say so of course). I've said to her that I'll speak to her employers, I'll get my husband to speak to her employer's boss (same company) or that I'll contact her country's representatives here. I've also had to make her aware that the likely outcome is that she'll be sent home not transfered to somewhere else (there's nothing I can do about that). She's chosen just to put up with it. I'm not about to have a go at my neighbour without the woman's position - it could make her life very very difficult.

permission not position