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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask my nanny to sleep in the lounge?

196 replies

LaLaLaLayla · 03/10/2011 08:05

OK, a bit of background... we live in the gulf where there are no childminders or after-school care. School finishes at 1.30 pm. In situations where both parents have to work, the only viable option is to employ live-in help.

So, we are employing a girl from the Philipinnes and she arrives in the next week or so. We are currently living in a 2 bedroom apartment but plan to move to a small 3-bedroomed house within the next few months. We have a 6 year DS who has his own room. So, we don't have enough bedrooms for her to have her own room at the moment. It is only temporary, but still, I want her to be comfortable.

These are our options...

  1. We could rent her a studio apartment somewhere, but public transport is limited and she doesn't drive.
  1. We could turf our son out of his bedroom and put him in with us so she could have his room. I am reluctant to do this, as I can imagine there being a few problems when it is time to move him back into his own room.
  1. She could sleep on some kind of put-you-up bed in the lounge and we would make it a rule to vacate the lounge by 10 pm every evening, say. She could use one of the cupboards in my DS room to keep her things. She would also have her own bathroom.

Now, I much prefer the third option, but is is not ideal as I think she needs her own space. So I was thinking of paying her 25% of her salary on top, as a kind of 'inconvenience payment'. This is about what we would have to pay for a studio flat anyway and I would rather give it to her. She is coming to work to support her family, so I imagine the extra cash would be handy.

But is it totally unreasonable to ask this of her? If I ask her, I know she will just give me the answer she thinks I want to hear. I would really welcome some views on this, as I don't know what to do.

Thanks.

OP posts:
TheRealMBJ · 03/10/2011 08:34

Wait until you have 3 bedrooms?

AKMD · 03/10/2011 08:35

Can you speed up the house move? Until then, either she has her own portent or you or your DS will have to move.

BatsUpMeNightie · 03/10/2011 08:35

You don't have enough room for an extra person in the house. Start from there and see how VVVVVU you are being. What are you doing even considering importing a (presumably) young girl from another country into a totally different culture when you don't have space for her? Your priorities are all skewed and your lack of humanity makes me feel a bit yuk at you.

LaurieFairyCake · 03/10/2011 08:35

Give her your room while you and your dh have a sofabed in the lounge?

Move quicker ?

AKMD · 03/10/2011 08:35

Portent? Hmm A bit mystical... I meant apartment!

Tryharder · 03/10/2011 08:36

I would give her the choice. As you said, it's not permanent. As someone said, she might prefer the extra cash.

From a UK point of view, it would be unreasonable for her to sleep in the living room but you are not in the UK.

iscream · 03/10/2011 08:36

No. You should put your son in your room. What did you tell her when you hired her? Was she to have her own bedroom and bathroom?

When I was 13 I had what we call a "Mothers Helper" summer job. I was in charge of the children, with some light cleaning. They had me using their tv den for sleeping, also left the room at 10 every night. I was exhausted, and had no personal/private space to relax in after I was off duty when the children went to bed. I told my parents and they came and brought me back home.

Original poster
LaLaLaLayla · 03/10/2011 08:37

FellatioNelson, yes, we have had live-in help before. This will be our fourth. We had our last one for 3 years. Her room was massive, she told us that her room was more than twice the size of her entire family home back in the Philippines. We have since moved to a smaller apartment as I had no intention of going back to work. However, our circumstances changed and I am now back at work and needing childcare.

OP posts:
Dozer · 03/10/2011 08:37

YABU. Lalalalayla, the reason it would be exploitation is that presumably she is not in a position to say no to you. Giving her extra money is all well and good, but the point is she really would have no choice but to do what you say.

The fairer options are the studio flat, renting a room from a local friend, you and DH moving into the living room or DS moving in with you.

Ifancyashandy · 03/10/2011 08:37

You've been given the solutions - your son in with you or rent her an apartment (serviced, as suggested, if cheaper) and you either pay for taxi or pick her up/drop her home.

nagynolonger · 03/10/2011 08:39

Option 2. Or you and DH move out of your room.
YABVU.....How would you feel if you were her or she was your DD.

barbie1 · 03/10/2011 08:39

I think, I I remember correctly you live not too far from me? New serviced apartments have just opened behind the m.o.e and would be cheaper then renting her somewhere and a lot less hassle due to being able to do short term renting. Busy bee and helping hands both do childminding and are registered, pay by the hour type thing.

Have any of your friends got a spare room they would be willing to let the nanny have until your move?

BatsUpMeNightie · 03/10/2011 08:39

There's something deeply unsettling about the way you think it's ok to treat her as somehow less human because your spare room is bigger than the entire village back home.

RockChick1984 · 03/10/2011 08:40

Why can't you sleep in the lounge if you are concerned about your son moving into your room? I notice a couple of other posters have said this as well but you have ignored them?

begonyabampot · 03/10/2011 08:41

Take your son in with you and give her his room. I know it's common for these girls to sleep on the floor in the kitchen or hallway or in with the children but you have a better option that that. I

StillSquiffy · 03/10/2011 08:42

What boffinmum said.

And I know that things are very different in other cultures, having lived in HK, Tokyo and JoBurg. And I do know of many many people whose live-in helps live in (literally) cupboards. And I also know that many people in the gulf would laugh at the concept of you turfing your son out of his room to make way for the nanny. BUT I personally believe that if you respect the people who live in your house, you will get loyalty and friendship in return and that is worth gold in the long term. If you do anything other than giving her your son's room she will be OK with it but will always see you as 'just another' family.

One other solution might be to give her the option of sharing your son's room with him, in return for the extra wage, instead of your DS moving in with you. That then gives her the choice and she may well opt for more money and be quite happy.

Mishy1234 · 03/10/2011 08:42

If I was your prospective nanny, I would be VERY uncomfortable with sleeping in the lounge. Option 2 would be the one I would go with. Either that, or you sleep in the lounge and give the nanny your room.

stomping · 03/10/2011 08:42

Put your ds in with you. It is pathetic to say you will have problems moving him back to his own room. Either that or find her an apartment somewhere and taxi her in.

A fully grown woman, far from home, without anyone to advocate for her trumps a kid in terms of having a private place to sleep.

You can't treat her badly on the basis of she is poor so she will be grateful for the cash.

Original poster
LaLaLaLayla · 03/10/2011 08:42

Ifancyashandy, it is not just the travelling. I worry about her being lonely. I think we'll move our DS in with us until we move to the house. The thing is, he loves sleeping with mum and dad. He had to stay with us for a couple of days when his room was painted and it was a nightmare getting him back to his own room again.

I honestly thought the extra money would be worth it for her. I would sleep in someone's lounge for [what I have just worked out is in fact] an extra 33.3%. But there you go. Everyone is different and I can't assume she would be OK with that.

OP posts:
lesley33 · 03/10/2011 08:42

I know you said you are willing to pay her more money. But I am sure you wouldn't think it was fine to have a nanny in the UK, ask her to sleep in the living room and pay her more because of this. The reason i think you are considering this is because you are abroad where some staff will be treated poorly.

To get a staff member to do something that you wouldn't in the UK i.e. sleep in living room and be paid more - because you are in a country where lots of people have a tough time and very poor - is imo exploitation. Sorry if you are upset about this, but if I was living where you are I would be wanting to treat staff how I would in the UK.

Original poster
LaLaLaLayla · 03/10/2011 08:44

One other solution might be to give her the option of sharing your son's room with him, in return for the extra wage, instead of your DS moving in with you. That then gives her the choice and she may well opt for more money and be quite happy.

Thanks StillSquiffy, that seems like it might work. What does everyone else think?

OP posts:
PetiteRaleuse · 03/10/2011 08:44

What Bats said.

You might not think you're exploiting her but your attitude is disgusting. It doesn't matter what she has back home. What is important is that she is well treated, and well paid where she chooses to work. It is attitudes like yours which mean that people from poor countries get treated as second class citizens.

She should absolutely get her own room. A solution which would suit everyone would be for you to move into the sitting room. Like that the nanny is treated as a respected human being and your son doesn't lose his sleeping patterns.

AisforAcorn · 03/10/2011 08:50

Option 2, or you and your DP sleep in the sitting room.

I think option 2 would work out though. Surely when it came to moving into a new house your DS would be very excited to sleep in his new room?

FreudianSlipper · 03/10/2011 08:50

if you can afford to have a live in nanny you should be able to afford to home her in a comfortable way. she is not a servant but treating her this way even with an increase in salary (which she may appreciate as she is likely to come from a poor background) you are making her one

if you were in the uk would you consider this? i doubt it

FellatioNelson · 03/10/2011 08:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.