to ask my nanny to sleep in the lounge?

[LaLaLaLayla]

OK, a bit of background... we live in the gulf where there are no childminders or after-school care. School finishes at 1.30 pm. In situations where both parents have to work, the only viable option is to employ live-in help.

So, we are employing a girl from the Philipinnes and she arrives in the next week or so. We are currently living in a 2 bedroom apartment but plan to move to a small 3-bedroomed house within the next few months. We have a 6 year DS who has his own room. So, we don't have enough bedrooms for her to have her own room at the moment. It is only temporary, but still, I want her to be comfortable.

These are our options...

1. We could rent her a studio apartment somewhere, but public transport is limited and she doesn't drive.

1. We could turf our son out of his bedroom and put him in with us so she could have his room. I am reluctant to do this, as I can imagine there being a few problems when it is time to move him back into his own room.

1. She could sleep on some kind of put-you-up bed in the lounge and we would make it a rule to vacate the lounge by 10 pm every evening, say. She could use one of the cupboards in my DS room to keep her things. She would also have her own bathroom.

Now, I much prefer the third option, but is is not ideal as I think she needs her own space. So I was thinking of paying her 25% of her salary on top, as a kind of 'inconvenience payment'. This is about what we would have to pay for a studio flat anyway and I would rather give it to her. She is coming to work to support her family, so I imagine the extra cash would be handy.

But is it totally unreasonable to ask this of her? If I ask her, I know she will just give me the answer she thinks I want to hear. I would really welcome some views on this, as I don't know what to do.

Thanks.

Her having her own space will benefit you as well. You may value the times she doesn't sit in the living room with you and is in her own room instead.

Oh, and what about on her day off? Or if she was ill/sick?

I assume you will give her a day off?

Ok I'm in the gulf (waves to fellatio, when do you arrive?). I've heard of 'nannies' living on landings, living under the stairs etc etc. Our neighbour locks her maid in when she goes out and I know of maids not getting fed.

Lala, I'll make a bet your maid would prefer the extra money. Seriously, best option for her would be to share your son's bedroom (not unusual) and for you to pay her extra.

Personally, I couldn't do the living room option (even if she accepted completely willingly). I just wouldn't sit right with me as I think it's important for both you and her to have some separate space. Sharing with a child would be pretty normal in the philipines though. My nanny shared a bed with her 14 year old until she left to come and work for us.

I'm curious that there's no after school care though. Even in the bit of the gulf I'm in (which is not the most developed!) there's afterschool care available. Just causes transport logistics.

We used to have a Philipino helper. She had her own room with en-suite, but if we went out for the evening she always chose to sleep in the lounge or in with the children. Moving you DS is prob the best short-term solution, especially if she has other jobs, she may need her own space to come and go, also if she is dependant on sharing your home, she may have a fair bit of stuff! To all those who are deriding the OP, our lovely helper, who we miss a lot, had a couple of houses in the Philippines, put her children through private school and supported most of her family. She worked really hard. Don't comment unless you understand the situation. The Phillipines biggest export is their workforce.

ok you do not have other child care options but you could move your son into your bedroom or rent a studio but do not seem to want to do this so only ohter option is not to have a nanny or have a servant

Lala - I think you have made the best decision. I also agree with Fellatio that it would drive you mad having the poor woman under your feet in the lounge all the time. I had my own sister sleeping in my lounge and after a week it was driving me insane.

FreudianSlipper, I have decided to move my DS - read my post here: Mon 03-Oct-11 09:32:35

And please do not refer to domestic staff as servants - it is offensive in the extreme. Both to the workers themselves and their employers.

Oh, and what about on her day off? Or if she was ill/sick?

On days off you don't see them for dust......but you're right about sick days.

Also, can I just add, you need to get her started. Personally, that's what I think is a bit mean of you. You've said she's got a job but are delaying the start because of your personal circumstances. I understand why but that's hard on her and the family. You never know what loans she's taken out to get this job in the first place!

Where is she living at the moment, OP? I imagine she would rather share a cheap place with friends than live alone in a serviced apartment, if she could have the difference in her pay. Either way, you could pay for taxis to and from your place.

Could you agree on basic salary $X + accommodation allowance $Y ($Y being enough for a studio or serviced apartment) until you move into the new house, at which point $Y would stop? In the meantime, she can decide how much of $Y she wants to spend on accommodation - either all of it on a studio apartment (I imagine you would need to rent this for her), or some of it on a cheap place with friends and the rest for her to keep as "inconvenience money".

That depends TheBride. Our maid actually spends quite a bit of her day off in her room, although that's mainly because she's got a tv and laptop and we're happy for her sisters to stay over.

I know of maids who don't know anyone and so have nothing to do on their day off.

I also know of several who aren't given a day off :(

I hope your move goes well and think you?re doing the right thing for all of you, regardless of what others do, or what this woman?s prepared to do to make money, because the fact you?re asking says you know there?s better ways of using her and upping her income.
You also won?t have to cut her money when you move. :-)

...and you dont know how many children she is leaving behind at home to be cared for by aunts and grandmothers, while she goes off to earn a wage to feed her children caring for yours. Not fair on her and her family to delay her start date.

Will she earn enough to send money home, and to go for holiday home?

Finally (and then I'll shut up) - I don't know where Lala is, but in my bit of the Gulf (Qatar) it wouldn't be legal for her to leave elsewhere so that's just not a realistic option,

I kind of thought on a day off she may want to sleep later/go to bed earlier? Or just sit on her own. Op says transport is a problem and all wages are sent back home so not unreasonable to think she may want to stay in her 'room'

Oh, I see this is resolved. Never mind .

live elsewhere

Tryharder, "it will be more than she will be expecting" - why? Because ex-pats routinely exploit vulnerable staff? Compared to others, this looks good?
Are you seriously suggesting this makes it ok?

Why don't you people read the thread before making nasty comments? I am not delaying her start date.

sorry, misread you. I thought you had delayed when you said you told her you 'needed to'.

i would not refer to domestic staff as servants if they are treated with respect like all staff should be. many are not they are treated like servants so why would i call them domestic staff when they are not treated as such, to make their employer feel more comfortable. its a reflection on the employers not their staff and what you were originally proposing or musing over is in my mind treating a member of your staff as a servant

OK i'm incapable of going away.

Freudian, I think the term you use to refer to someone is pretty unimportant. Who cares whether I call my maid a maid, a nanny or a servant? The important thing is how I treat her. I can call her the Queen of Mumsnet and still lock her in her room and refuse to let her buy credit for her phone to call home.

I grew up with two Filipino helpers living with us (in HK not the Gulf), each with their own kids back in the Philippines, and am finding some of the comments on this thread hilarious with its assumption that there is some sort of exploitation going on here. Our helpers put their kids through university educations with the money they sent home, and one managed to escape an abusive stalker husband by coming to work for us. As strumpy says the workforce is the Philippines' biggest export and the choice for a highly educated person is often between unemployment in the Philippines and a good salary as a helper abroad. There's an old joke about a couple trying to decide which of two Filipino helpers to employ and choosing the brain surgeon over the university lecturer, even though she can't cook or clean.

OP you sound lovely and really considerate - I'd just talk to her about what she wants when she gets to the gulf, because you cannot assume that what someone in the UK would want is the same as what your helper will want. If you give her a genuine choice, that's important - you don't know that she (like many on this thread are assuming) will prioritise privacy over the extra salary. Just like strumpy and bedubabe our amah used to sleep with us in our room whenever our parents went out for the evening, and slept in one of the the maids' rooms the rest of the time off the kitchen so I think your option 2 is the best, and you can even leave your DS there too.

At the beginning (I'm told, I don't remember when they first came to live with us) and then every few years my parents would ask if they would prefer to have a (free) flight home to the Philippines every year or to be moved into their own place - they always chose the flight home, even at the expense of having to live in the tiny maid's quarters with little privacy instead of their own flat. (Their Sundays off were sacrosanct though - after dinner on Saturday until Monday breakfast they were totally off the clock and not to be disturbed - and we were never allowed to go into their rooms without knocking and waiting to be invited in.)

They both came to my wedding last year here in the UK, it was wonderful

Tyelperion, thanks for your post - it was both interesting and very helpful

I don't think people here are saying it is exploitative to hire a filipinio nanny. Of course its not. But employers still need to treat their staff with respect.