to ask my nanny to sleep in the lounge?

[LaLaLaLayla]

OK, a bit of background... we live in the gulf where there are no childminders or after-school care. School finishes at 1.30 pm. In situations where both parents have to work, the only viable option is to employ live-in help.

So, we are employing a girl from the Philipinnes and she arrives in the next week or so. We are currently living in a 2 bedroom apartment but plan to move to a small 3-bedroomed house within the next few months. We have a 6 year DS who has his own room. So, we don't have enough bedrooms for her to have her own room at the moment. It is only temporary, but still, I want her to be comfortable.

These are our options...

1. We could rent her a studio apartment somewhere, but public transport is limited and she doesn't drive.

1. We could turf our son out of his bedroom and put him in with us so she could have his room. I am reluctant to do this, as I can imagine there being a few problems when it is time to move him back into his own room.

1. She could sleep on some kind of put-you-up bed in the lounge and we would make it a rule to vacate the lounge by 10 pm every evening, say. She could use one of the cupboards in my DS room to keep her things. She would also have her own bathroom.

Now, I much prefer the third option, but is is not ideal as I think she needs her own space. So I was thinking of paying her 25% of her salary on top, as a kind of 'inconvenience payment'. This is about what we would have to pay for a studio flat anyway and I would rather give it to her. She is coming to work to support her family, so I imagine the extra cash would be handy.

But is it totally unreasonable to ask this of her? If I ask her, I know she will just give me the answer she thinks I want to hear. I would really welcome some views on this, as I don't know what to do.

Thanks.

Give her the option of 25% or your son's room.

And arrange the move pronto.

No FreudianSlipper, if I was in the UK I would have a childminder or after-school care, or any number of options that we don't have here.

And as other posters have said, I've seen the broom cupboards that staff sleep in overseas.

Still doesn't make it right!

I agree, helpmenow. There is no way on earth I would allow someone to sleep in a so-called 'Maid's room'. Our new place has one but we'll probably keep the bikes in it.

I am deeply uncomfortable with this.

Even paying her the extra, I'm assuming she is till getting paid a paltry amount.

Try imagining you live in a two bed flat in a tower block , then ask us all the same question to see if you are being unreasonable.

You said that she will just agree with whatever you are suggesting. So she is very vulnerable. If she would say what she wanted, then I think it would be fine to give her the choice of money or own room. But if you ask her, she will pick up that you want her to opt for money option. So she won't really have a choice.

Treat her how you would in the UK. so either put your son in your room, rent a serviced apartment or hire childminders by the hour. Other posters who live near you have given you details of paartments and local childcare.

Ask this on Living Overseas. Comparing a UK nanny to a helper is like apples and pears on every level.

I have a helper, and from my experience, she would not be very comfortable with what you're suggesting and also, 10pm is quite late- helpers tend to be early risers and early to bed. They need their space from you and vice versa. They rarely go out at night (unless to church) so she will be there on your sofa, and will probably not want to be- my helper likes to watch TV/ call her family etc in her room.

Personally I would rent her a studio and pay her cab fare to and from. It's only a few weeks and it gives you time to get used to having a live-in, which is a mind shift if you're not used to it.

However, as an alternative to what you're suggesting, I would say that a more usual/expected situation would be to get the helper to share your son's room. This is extremely common in HK where apartments are very small, albeit unusual amongst expats.

Lots of people are suggesting moving your son. Is there any particular reason this is impossible?

I've always moved my children when we've had adults to stay, never caused any problems.

Even paying her the extra, I'm assuming she is till getting paid a paltry amount.

How rude of you to assume that.

You still haven't answered the suggestions of you movin into the lounge and giving the nanny your room? If you are not willing to give up your privacy, why should she?

I have asked out here, TheBride. One [British] woman suggested I put her in a shed on the balcony. And no, I'm not joking.

We genuinely care about her welfare, which is why I thought I'd ask you lot before broaching it with her.

It is ridiculous to even suggest she share with your son. That would essentially turn her into a 24hr child-carer with no time off.

How could you even be considering this? Someone up thread suggested you consider how you would feel if it were your daughter. I think you should think carefully about whether you are really in a position to employ her AND about you attitudes towards her humanity.

If it isn't such a big deal to stay in the sitting room, you and your husband should sleep there on the sofa bed and give her your room.

She?s likely to take the extra money whatever the deal is, regardless of the impact on her.

As someone who ended up as live in (in this country) without my own room, there?s another issue you probably don?t want to think can happen, but it does.

I was thrown out after the father took to trying to visit me, under cover of checking the children, retrieving things from their room etc. Double whammy for me, but I bet the next girl got her own space that he'd no ?reason? to visit.

Yeah, I thought about that RockChick, but there isn't room for a double bed in the lounge.

OP, you are getting a lot of stick, but I know where you are coming from.

I think your only option is to move your DS in with you and then just deal with the fall out when you move.

How could you even be considering this?

I wasn't considering it, another poster suggested it and I just wondered what people thought.

You still haven't explained why you can't move your son.

Seriously, I think you will end up driven mad by her constant presence in your lounge- this would be for your good as much as hers.

*OP, you are getting a lot of stick, but I know where you are coming from.

I think your only option is to move your DS in with you and then just deal with the fall out when you move.*

Thanks Boobz. I think you are right.

You are paying lip-service to giving a damn. You really just want us all to say that it's ok for her to stay in your sitting room and actually well done for not putting her out on the balcony.

You know what is right though, so do it and stop trying to justify yourself by holding up other's cuntish behaviour as a benchmark.

To answer your last question, rather than add to the tirade, if it's only temporary, I don't think the option of her sharing your son's room is beyond all reason. Our nanny used to do this when on holiday with another family - sharing the kids' room for a month or more - and had no problem with it as the job was well-paid and she liked the kids and it wasn't a long-term thing. So I would say it's worth suggesting that (including the bonus) but also giving her the option of her own room (yours or your sons) without the bonus. Up to her.

LaLaLa Doesn't surprise me. I've seen apartments where "the helper's room" was a plank on top of the washing machine!

I would seriously rent her a studio- otherwise I think it'll drive all of you up the wall after a few months.

FWIW- in terms of final destination, they don't really mind about the size of the room per se. What's more important is that they have proper storage, privacy, a comfortable bed, fan etc. A TV and DVD player also go down well (and access to the wireless if they have a laptop).

TheRealMBJ, you know NOTHING about me. The only reason I mentioned the balcony suggestion was because someone suggested I post on an expat website.

You must give your helper her own room. Anything else is deeply immoral.

Living Overseas on here is expat-lite though. Generally quite sane and some good advice. Some of the specific expat sites- was it expatwoman per chance? can be a bit crazy.

I don't like the way most expats treat their staff. I have never bought into to the whole expat lifestyle thing which is why I posted on here. To get some advice from people like me.