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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have no idea what to say to PG friend who is having her third boy?

303 replies

LittleOneMum · 30/09/2011 15:39

One of my very best friends has two boys, aged 1 and 4. I have two DCs too, same ages, but a DS (4) and DD (1). It was really nice being pg at the same time, our kids are close and until now, all well.
However, when we were both pg with DC2, she was desperate for a girl. Had a name all picked out, often spoke of organising her wedding day, etc. I was very relaxed and in my heart of hearts probably wanted another boy (but never said this).
Of course, scans showed she was having a boy and I was having a girl and she was pretty upset for a while. But she got over it and she loves her two boys and tbh my DD is pretty tomboy like so far...
Anyway, we've decided to stick with 2, and she decided to have a 3rd DC and this afternoon she rang me in tears to say that her scan showed it was a 3rd boy. She was beside herself with pain. I was totally rubbish, I didn't know what to say and although she is too nice to say so, I could so feel she was thinking "it's OK for you, you have a DD".
bloody blinking turnips what am I going to do? AIBU just to say nothing? I know that long term she will love her son, but she is in pain now and I am her friend. AAAAAARGH.

OP posts:
duckdodgers · 30/09/2011 22:25

Just because you don't understand something doesn't make another persons personal feelings not true and valid to them.

exoticfruits · 30/09/2011 22:28

It isn't true or valid though when she is very lucky to be able to have a baby in the first place.
I can't imagine anyone saying 'I have a perfect, healthy baby BUT I am in pain-it isn't actually the sex I wanted!!

exoticfruits · 30/09/2011 22:29

It generally boils down to the fact that the woman thinks she will have a wonderful mother/daughter relationship-thinking the same, enjoying the same things etc-the odds are they may not.

porcamiseria · 30/09/2011 22:29

its a raw topic for alot of poeple though isn't it

I am tad sensitive as found out I might need a hysterectomy, so this post...really hacked me off, big time

Northernlurker · 30/09/2011 22:30

Just to be clear because some people seem to miss this:

There is not a finite number of babies in the world. One woman having three doesn't mean somebody else won't get one. It is utterly meaningless to say this woman is behaving badly because of other people's circumstances.

I don't agree with how she feels but I can see how she would feel like that.

duckdodgers · 30/09/2011 22:31

Thats the problem with this thread though exotic - the feelings are true to the person suffering from disappointment or whatever at discovering the baby is the "wrong" sex - but not to anyone who hasn't felt like that or can understand someone can. You said it yourself that you cant imagine anyone saying - but yet people do - and not just OPs friend either. And no amount of people saying that they should be grateful that they have a healthy baby regardless of the sex will change this.

Northernlurker · 30/09/2011 22:32

Yes porca it is raw - but this thread isn't about somebody saying they only want a girl - or a boy - and how can they go about it. This thread is somebody asking how to help somebody suffering disappointment. There's precious little to help her here because the consensus seems to be she should berate her pregnant mate with ingratitude. Makes no sense to me.

exoticfruits · 30/09/2011 22:32

If she feels like that she should think of others and realise how blessed she is. I had a friend who felt like that, until the woman in the next bed had a baby with massive problems and it put it all in proportion and gave her a proper 'wake up call'.

usualsuspect · 30/09/2011 22:34

Other peoples feelings are just as valid as yours

If I told you how I felt when I was pregnant with my 3rd I would get slaughtered on MN

but now I adore that boy ,but when I was pregnant I was a mess not because he was a boy ,but because I didn't want a 3rd at all

I would never tell anyone to come on MN for support anymore ,which is a shame really

exoticfruits · 30/09/2011 22:36

In RL I would just be sympathetic BUT before any woman get pregnant she must surely take into consideration that she has a 1 in 2 chance of not getting what she wants and be prepared. If she already has a boy I would say that she has an even bigger chance of being disappointed. Much better to assume from the start that it will be a boy and then you can't be disappointed-only pleasantly surprised.

duckdodgers · 30/09/2011 22:37

And for a so called site that's meant to be super duper for support I also think its appalling to read some of the comments here, particularly the "fuck off freaky mate" comment, absolutely disgusting.

helpmabob · 30/09/2011 22:37

I am really sorry porca that must be terrible to deal with but it can't help to come on a thread like this. The reality is that people get upset by something that someone else sees as an insult to the situation they are in. The best thing is to protect yourself from being involved in it.

But the fact remains that this is a thread about what a friend can do to help her friend who is upset. We should all count our blessings but in a hormonal state that i easier said than done.

porcamiseria · 30/09/2011 22:38

fair enough, and I would not have written so harsh were it the OP

but if it were my friend I would try to not encourage her feeling of disappointment, I would gently point out how lucky she is and I would try to not pander to it

I think OP almost sympathises with her, and I find that a bit sad too to be honest

tethersend · 30/09/2011 22:39

"If she feels like that she should think of others and realise how blessed she is"

What stops you from saying this about/to a woman with PND who says she doesn't love her healthy newborn baby?

exoticfruits · 30/09/2011 22:42

If OP was the person pregnant with the DS I think that people would be more sympathetic-as it is the friend it seems fair enough to point out that it is a blessing to have a DC and not get 'picky'.
It is on AIBU-never a good place if you want sensitive advice.
She probably was unreasonable to say nothing-which was the question. As a friend you would need to try and empathise a bit.

exoticfruits · 30/09/2011 22:43

PND-is different-she can't have it before she has the baby so I don't see what it has to do with it.

usualsuspect · 30/09/2011 22:44

exactly, as a friend I would listen and sympathise not judge and say plenty worse off than you blah blah blah

CarnivalBizarre · 30/09/2011 22:46

I feel quite sad for the OP's friend in as much that she is going to miss out on so much of her unborn son if she keeps grieving for a daughter that she may never have

I have 6 DC, my first was a boy and my second was a girl - everybody commented how lucky I was that I had one of each ... and could stop now Hmm

How presumptous of them to think that my family was complete because I had accomplished a 'perfect family'!

I was nowhere near finished - I went on to have another 3 boys in succession and then a girl. NOW my family IS complete I think ....eeek!

I don't ever remember feeling disappointed by finding that I was having either sex baby - it was just my baby and I was elated every time

porcamiseria · 30/09/2011 22:47

well we are different then

i can get someone having PND, I can get people shitting themselves about having a 3rd

but for whatever reason someone sad about the gender of their baby, I find that really sad. I cant articulate why either...

Crosshair · 30/09/2011 22:48

Surely if someone feels so extreme and upset about something like gender it could be a form of antenatal depression?

helpmabob · 30/09/2011 22:48

Can you lot get someone having ante-natal depression which is far more prevalent than pnd?

DashingRedhead · 30/09/2011 22:48

Um, the OP's friend is pregnant and awash with hormones. IE, probably not that rational (I remember being absolutely inconsolable, but not why). Cut her some slack. Perhaps she has an amazing relationship with her mum and was hoping for this with a DD. Perhaps she lost her mum.

I think,OP, just hugs and acknowledgement will be great and before you know it she'll be fine.

usualsuspect · 30/09/2011 22:50

I know someone thats having a third boy ,I saw the fleeting disappointment on her face at her scan .

I understood ,I know she will love her son but I could understand why she felt disappointed for a while

porcamiseria · 30/09/2011 22:51

there are clearly 2 camps of opinion on in this

its OK to feel this way

It NOT Ok to feel this way

but pre-natal depression? she was Ok till she found out she was having a boy.....dont buy that one

notlettingthefearshow · 30/09/2011 22:53

Hopefully she will calm down soon. I don't really understand the need to have 'one of each' as all children are different, and the bond between sisters/brothers is quite special. But I know it is a common feeling, so it is important to acknowledge your friend's feelings initially. There's nothing you can say really - don't make a big deal of it. She may feel jealous of you for some time, but that is her problem and she must come to terms with it. If she is still struggling in a month or two, you should give her a pep talk. She's so lucky she is having three children full stop. Three boys sounds like a riot to me!