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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have no idea what to say to PG friend who is having her third boy?

303 replies

LittleOneMum · 30/09/2011 15:39

One of my very best friends has two boys, aged 1 and 4. I have two DCs too, same ages, but a DS (4) and DD (1). It was really nice being pg at the same time, our kids are close and until now, all well.
However, when we were both pg with DC2, she was desperate for a girl. Had a name all picked out, often spoke of organising her wedding day, etc. I was very relaxed and in my heart of hearts probably wanted another boy (but never said this).
Of course, scans showed she was having a boy and I was having a girl and she was pretty upset for a while. But she got over it and she loves her two boys and tbh my DD is pretty tomboy like so far...
Anyway, we've decided to stick with 2, and she decided to have a 3rd DC and this afternoon she rang me in tears to say that her scan showed it was a 3rd boy. She was beside herself with pain. I was totally rubbish, I didn't know what to say and although she is too nice to say so, I could so feel she was thinking "it's OK for you, you have a DD".
bloody blinking turnips what am I going to do? AIBU just to say nothing? I know that long term she will love her son, but she is in pain now and I am her friend. AAAAAARGH.

OP posts:

aldiwhore · 30/09/2011 16:14

YWNBU to say nothing... she's BU, but I'm erring on the side of caution here, and won't dismiss her as a twat JUST yet, her hope has been dashed, but that doesn't mean she'll necessarily not adore this little boy.

wilkos · 30/09/2011 16:15

oh my, not an awful lot you can do really other than be there for her. its pointless to say it now of course, but unless you are totally happy having either a boy or a girl its not wise to get pregnant in the first place.

I do feel for her, I wanted a second DD but had DS. Was upset for about a week then pulled myself together. Now hes 18 months he is the joy of my life and I am so ashamed of my initial reaction to the scan.

poor little boy

Original poster

LittleOneMum · 30/09/2011 16:15

You all make valid points, but she is my friend and she only found out today, FGS. I am just trying to figure out what to say because I actually think (like most of you) that she is just very lucky to be having a healthy baby - plus she can organise - and pay for - my DD's wedding if she likes ).

I think i will just go round tonight and give her a gigantic hug and listen and say nothing except - how lovely, another tiny baby again etc.

I will NOT rage (you can all rage for me ).

OP posts:

usualsuspect · 30/09/2011 16:16

Just listen to her ,I can't see why anyone would rage at her tbh

ElizabethDarcy · 30/09/2011 16:18

How bloody lucky she is to have another child on the way... I have tried for ten years to have ONE child... she needs to get a grip and realise how blessed she is to be a mum x 3!

cat64 · 30/09/2011 16:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 30/09/2011 16:18

How about: "It's a shame he's not a girl but you're going to have another gorgeous baby and it will so cute to see the three of them playing together! Was he v lovely in the scan pictures?". Surely she still wants to talk about her baby even if he's not a girl. It acknowledges she would have liked a girl but really plays it down at the same time.

SpanishPaella · 30/09/2011 16:18

dopey mare

minimisschief · 30/09/2011 16:19

This is why i think finding out the sex of a child before birth is great. For people so hell bent that they want one gender can get over it before the child is born.

Hardgoing · 30/09/2011 16:21

I don't think it's that unusual to have a preference and then be a tad disappointed if the baby is a different gender (and then spend the rest of the time convincing yourself that the one you are getting is better anyway).

She is also probably thinking this is her last child, so effectively this means no girls ever. That can be difficult to take; of course people with children should feel lucky, I do, but that doesn't mean I don't feel sad about not having more.

Having said that, everyone is right. A brief 'oh' and perhaps a tear to your husband, then get on with it. She IS lucky and will feel lucky soon. So, I wouldn't sympathise too much because it's not like anything bad has happened.

MrsDaffodill · 30/09/2011 16:21

Oh my God, we went to the Proms this year and this woman said "I am so sorry, my family will be coming in a bit late". And then these THREE Greek Gods of polite young men pushed past our seats to get to her. And both my mum and I (both with a mixed DD/DS set of children) would suddenly have done anything to swap to have three marvellous young men! Mum would have swapped me in an instant, and I was right there! There are upsides to every family dynamic, and I hope your friend comes to realise that soon.

amistillsexy · 30/09/2011 16:21

I think that she will get over her 'pain' very quickly and by the time you see her ( esp if you avoid her over the weekend ) she will have come to terms more or less, and you won't have to say much.

To be honest, this sounds like you got the full blast of her initial reaction, and by the time she's talked it over with a few more people, she'll have processed the shock and started to go through DS2's drawers to pick out her fave clothes to keep for the baby (like I did for my 3rd!).

tethersend · 30/09/2011 16:22

She is suffering from gender disappointment. Read up on it, support her and try to ensure that she speaks to her midwife about receiving antenatal counselling.

This is not a rational reaction, she is seeing things from a skewed perspective, but her devastation is very very real. Just listen to her.

You sound like a very good friend BTW

SomekindofSpanish · 30/09/2011 16:22

Agree with aldiwhore & Pinot (being a fellow mum of 3 boys).

Did she say she was in pain or are you using those words? I can understand being very upset...

jellybeans · 30/09/2011 16:22

I agree with the poster who are shocked at the beside yourself with pain of the friend. Beside yourself with pain is being told your baby (at the 20 wk scan) has severe problems and will probably not survive the pregnancy and going through a rollercoaster of sheer hell until you lose her 4 weeks later. It's also suddenly realising you are in labour at 21 weeks, your baby is alive but the staff tell you they will not help your baby and it may gasp for breath or be born 'sleeping'. I live with this pain every day. That's why i don't get people who act this way. I didn't give a hoot at the gender of my DC. I do have both DDs and DSs now but had 3 the same 1st and was happy. A preference is fine but not being very upset :(

Original poster

LittleOneMum · 30/09/2011 16:23

Can I just say that she is normally a lovely girl? She obviously wouldn't go round telling everyone she is sad to be having a boy, she just wanted to ring up her best mate and be honest about her feelings. That's not so bad, I am sure we have all expressed some pretty inexplicable feelings at one time or another.
ElizabethDarcy I am really sorry. I did not mean to hurt your feelings and wish you lots of luck.
Ghoul thank you - some really good advice about what to say.

OP posts:

timewastingaway · 30/09/2011 16:24

I think it's sad too tbh.
I have a friend who cried at the scan of her first child because he was a boy and she wanted a girl.....when the sonographer asked if they were happy tears she said no,she had wanted a boy.

I was to say the very least.

kelly2000 · 30/09/2011 16:25

It is a healthy baby, she should get over it. To be honest she sounds like she would be a nightmare for a daughter, the poor thing was just an embryo and she was already announcing she was organising her wedding. What would she have done if the daughter had decided she did not want to be like a sterotypical girl?

ForYourDreamsAreChina · 30/09/2011 16:25

For someone who started an AIBU about her friend you're now being mighty protective.

Is it you?

Original poster

LittleOneMum · 30/09/2011 16:25

jellybeans

Thanks tethersend i shall read up on it now (instead of working).

OP posts:

Pinot · 30/09/2011 16:26

OK OP I feel less ragey now. I shall wait until DH gets home and then berate him instead

Original poster

LittleOneMum · 30/09/2011 16:26

I promise that it isn't me. Swear on the life of my two children.

OP posts:

Original poster

LittleOneMum · 30/09/2011 16:27

Pinot just as well - you sounded scary. Nice glass of, er, Pinot tonight?

OP posts:

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 30/09/2011 16:28

No worries. She sounds like she's a nice person who's just got a bit of a bee in her bonnet about this. I think the main thing you can do is give her perspective here and get her to look forward to the baby she is going to have not the one she's been daydreaming about.

Pinot · 30/09/2011 16:30

I know, I don't know what came over me :o

YY to

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